The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: Jay-morris on September 09, 2017, 02:09:48 PM
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I wrote this song about a year ago. The lyrics were from a poem I wrote. The song is about my battle with depression and insecurities. I know it is a very personal subject, but it best describes how I feel sometimes.
The song structure is very simple. Just use four chords, and the chorus is just a melody melody. Sorry about the quality. I only can record on my mobile at the moment.
I don't want to be
The one that runs away from me
Scared of all the things I can't see
Things that are standing in front of me
I just want to be
Free from these mental walls
Open eyes and smiling when they call
Knowing that they are here with me
A simple smile
A perfect dream that's meant to be
A forgotten child with deep memories
An afterthought in a world that won't set me free
Who am I?
A reflection, a shadow on my face
A shyness a gesture that's been misplaced
Mindful of the gods that bleed to waste.
[url
https://soundcloud.com/morrison-art/gods-that-bleed-to-waste-m4a [/url]
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Lady that link dont work, it just gives me a file to download.
you got a link so I can hear it online?
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I think I fixed the link. Please let me know :)
I am a dude ;)
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Hey Jay, welcome.
I listened to this through the link you posted in your other thread.
For just an iPhone recording it sounds really good!
Your voice sounds just fine, I liked the melody of the verses too, and the acoustic strumming felt just right for what you have so far.
I did feel it was "half a good song" at the moment though as I thought you need more than the 4 chord pattern to take it somewhere interesting. It felt like you've nailed the verses but the la-la-las didn't really work for me as a chorus over the same chords (it felt like you'd run out of words?); I could however totally imagine you varying the chord pattern at that point and making it fly. OR, if you do want to stick with the same 4 chords throughout, some fuller production so you can vary the layers of tracks and stop it becoming monotonous by the end.
I hope you stick with this one.
(I'm from Brighton too by the way, live in Hanover up the big hill... there's a couple of Brightonians active on here.)
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Hey sorry man, I couldnt keep my eyes off your boobs :D so I was sorta programmed you were a chick!
Yeah I liked this it got in my head straight away like it was a jolly singalong
which is crazy considering the downer lyric
The lyrics made me think of you as a shadow, yknow like sort of amorphous.
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Hey Jay, welcome.
I listened to this through the link you posted in your other thread.
For just an iPhone recording it sounds really good!
Your voice sounds just fine, I liked the melody of the verses too, and the acoustic strumming felt just right for what you have so far.
I did feel it was "half a good song" at the moment though as I thought you need more than the 4 chord pattern to take it somewhere interesting. It felt like you've nailed the verses but the la-la-las didn't really work for me as a chorus over the same chords (it felt like you'd run out of words?); I could however totally imagine you varying the chord pattern at that point and making it fly. OR, if you do want to stick with the same 4 chords throughout, some fuller production so you can vary the layers of tracks and stop it becoming monotonous by the end.
I hope you stick with this one.
(I'm from Brighton too by the way, live in Hanover up the big hill... there's a couple of Brightonians active on here.)
Thank you for listening, and for your opinion :) I wrote this when I was going through a stage of listening to leonard cohen intensely. One of my favourite songs of leonard is "let's sing another song boys" I love the lalalala la lala. He has it in a few of his songs.
I just could not think of a better chords, so I just left it as that. Yeah, it is s basic structure, but that is probably down to my limited playing skills at the moment.
Thank you for liking the song. It means alot!
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Hey sorry man, I couldnt keep my eyes off your boobs :D so I was sorta programmed you were a chick!
Yeah I liked this it got in my head straight away like it was a jolly singalong
which is crazy considering the downer lyric
The lyrics made me think of you as a shadow, yknow like sort of amorphous.
Yeah that picture is my artwork. Maybe I should choose I different one ;)
Yeah i know what you mean. A lot of leonard cohen songs, people think are sad and depressing. I find them the opposite. The melodies I do not find depressing , as a lot of his songs have a melody that draws you in, like a story.
Thank you for liking it :)
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Hello Jay-morris,
I thought the girl in your photo was Anne Frank.
I like your words and I also dig your simple melody. The song has a simple deepness to it that makes me feel free in the same way some of Patrick Wilson's songs do. And I enjoy it and I hope you'll keep writing.
I did, however, not feel so strongly about the la-la chorus, it somehow makes the song feel less important to me. But maybe it's just my opinion :)
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Hello Jay-morris,
I thought the girl in your photo was Anne Frank.
I like your words and I also dig your simple melody. The song has a simple deepness to it that makes me feel free in the same way some of Patrick Wilson's songs do. And I enjoy it and I hope you'll keep writing.
I did, however, not feel so strongly about the la-la chorus, it somehow makes the song feel less important to me. But maybe it's just my opinion :)
Thank you for liking the song :) I wrote the melody very quickly and I put the la la in the chorus in there, just to finish the song and work on it later. I have tried to think of a better chorus, but nothing seems to work, so I just left it :)
The chorus has a leonard cohen vibe, as he used the same sort of melodies in some of his song choruses.
Some people like it and some do not I guess :)