The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: Jackdaw on August 18, 2017, 07:41:01 PM
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JAYLEEN
She walks on down the Boulevard
Some people stop and stare
Her fine clothes
And her elegance
So chique and debonair
Her face in all the Magazines
A Star upon your Silver Screens
She was a movie queen
A movie queen
JAYLEEN you were the one
You were the one
Who left me broken and blue
But the Wings of Fame that carried you
Have flown and set you free
You're now a Memory
A Memory
Early draft of JAYLEEN
Long way to go yet.
Jackdaw1888 :-)
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Ps...
The meaning of Jayleen is Beauty.
Or should I say a Beautiful Jaybird :-)
Jackdaw1888
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Interesting start, well worth developing, I like lyrics like these which have a story.
Mikey
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Interesting start, well worth developing, I like lyrics like these which have a story.
Mikey
Thankyou Mikey!
Soon Jayleen will visit her hand print or footprint upon the famous Hollywood Walk me thinks?
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Interesting start, well worth developing, I like lyrics like these which have a story.
Mikey
Apologies Mikey!!!
Changed it already.
Had to put in the words Movie Queen.
Hope that is ok with you?
The story come lyrics will continue soonest.
Regards
Jackdaw1888 :-)
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Its your song mate, anything you do with it is fine by me! I always find that even the "final" version of any lyrics have to be tweaked once it gets set to the music.
Mikey
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I don't think it's "a good start." I think its already a good lyric.
It sang without effort on the first try and with drama. Ready for music.
I liked that it stayed a little bit vague, and feel that more clarity would be too much clarity.
I think it's good the way it is. Now. . . you DO need one more verse, repeat the chorus again, then end with a repeat of the first verse if you choose not to add a third verse. An instrumental bridge, and it's done, but that isn't much.
Ahhhh.... I just caught on to something. You modified this after the advice. Good for you.
I already like it.
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I don't think it's "a good start." I think its already a good lyric.
It sang without effort on the first try and with drama. Ready for music.
I liked that it stayed a little bit vague, and feel that more clarity would be too much clarity.
I think it's good the way it is. Now. . . you DO need one more verse, repeat the chorus again, then end with a repeat of the first verse if you choose not to add a third verse. An instrumental bridge, and it's done, but that isn't much.
Ahhhh.... I just caught on to something. You modified this after the advice. Good for you.
I already like it.
WOW!!!
Many thanks Verlon Gates.
I appreciate your sound advice.
The second verse, which maybe this songs last, will be posted soonest.
Kind regards
Jackdaw1888:-)
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I don't think it's "a good start." I think its already a good lyric.
It sang without effort on the first try and with drama. Ready for music.
I liked that it stayed a little bit vague, and feel that more clarity would be too much clarity.
I think it's good the way it is. Now. . . you DO need one more verse, repeat the chorus again, then end with a repeat of the first verse if you choose not to add a third verse. An instrumental bridge, and it's done, but that isn't much.
Ahhhh.... I just caught on to something. You modified this after the advice. Good for you.
I already like it.
By "a good start", I wasn't saying that there was anything wrong with what was already there, only that it needed to be finished off, much like you have suggested.
Mikey
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I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all :D Good luck with this song!
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I don't think it's "a good start." I think its already a good lyric.
It sang without effort on the first try and with drama. Ready for music.
I liked that it stayed a little bit vague, and feel that more clarity would be too much clarity.
I think it's good the way it is. Now. . . you DO need one more verse, repeat the chorus again, then end with a repeat of the first verse if you choose not to add a third verse. An instrumental bridge, and it's done, but that isn't much.
Ahhhh.... I just caught on to something. You modified this after the advice. Good for you.
I already like it.
By "a good start", I wasn't saying that there was anything wrong with what was already there, only that it needed to be finished off, much like you have suggested.
Mikey
Agreed :-)
It will be.
Promise.
Jackdaw 1888
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I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all :D Good luck with this song!
Many thanks Pawy.
I happen to know what Jayleen looks like.
But then again please tell me if there has ever been a song entitled JAYLEEN?
Cheers
Jackdaw1888 :-)
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I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all :D Good luck with this song!
Many thanks Pawy.
I happen to know what Jayleen looks like.
But then again please tell me if there has ever been a song entitled JAYLEEN?
Cheers
Jackdaw1888 :-)
Hehe I'm pretty sure you do :) Aaaaaand that's true, I don't know a song named "Jayleen", so don't change it ;)
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I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all :D Good luck with this song!
Many thanks Pawy.
I happen to know what Jayleen looks like.
But then again please tell me if there has ever been a song entitled JAYLEEN?
Cheers
Jackdaw1888 :-)
Hehe I'm pretty sure you do :) Aaaaaand that's true, I don't know a song named "Jayleen", so don't change it ;)
I WON'T
Jackdaw1888
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I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all :D Good luck with this song!
Try thinking outside of the box for a mo.
Try thinking that JAYLEEN is but an Anagram?
ie the letter N is Norma Jeane maybe?
Jackdaw1888
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I like this, I like how jayleen can both be a person and a metaphor for being suckered in and broken by a beautiful person.. It's simple but it works coz it's relatable , could maybe be extended a bit? Well done!
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I like this, I like how jayleen can both be a person and a metaphor for being suckered in and broken by a beautiful person.. It's simple but it works coz it's relatable , could maybe be extended a bit? Well done!
I will extend this song this eve.
Keep watchin!!!
But many thanks for your kind words SFX
Jackdaw1888 :-)
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JAYLEEN
She walks on down the Boulevard
Some people stop and stare
Her fine clothes
And her elegance
So chique and debonair
Her face in all the Magazines
A Star upon your Silver Screens
She was a movie queen
A movie queen
JAYLEEN you were the one
You were the one
Who left me broken and blue
But the Wings of Fame that carried you
Have flown and set you free
You're now a Memory
A Memory
She stands upon the Walk of Fame
Remembering her past
Her handprint in the sidewalk stone
She hopes that it will last
Her face once on the Billboard screen
The Girl of the American Dream
She was a movie queen
A movie queen
JAYLEEN you were the one
You were the one
Who left me broken and blue
But the Wings of Fame that carried you
Have flown and set you free
You're now a Memory
A Memory
Jackdaw1888:-)
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The style of your writing reminds me a lot of some of Lana Del Reys work, I really like it! The small changes you made added so much more, it is a more complete piece of work now and I love it
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The style of your writing reminds me a lot of some of Lana Del Reys work, I really like it! The small changes you made added so much more, it is a more complete piece of work now and I love it
THANKYOU!!!
The name, my name JACKDAW, is but an Anagram too.
Cheers CAW
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The style of your writing reminds me a lot of some of Lana Del Reys work, I really like it! The small changes you made added so much more, it is a more complete piece of work now and I love it
THANKYOU!!!
The name, my name JACKDAW, is but an Anagram too.
Cheers CAW
Ps...
The only thing me and Missy Del Rey have in common is that we were both raised as Roman Catholics.
She herself is very talented.
She herself is very beautiful.
Jackdaw1888 is none of the above :-)
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The style of your writing reminds me a lot of some of Lana Del Reys work, I really like it! The small changes you made added so much more, it is a more complete piece of work now and I love it
Please feel free to send my loveable likeable lamented lyrics onto missy Lana Del Rey or her Agent?
Ha Ha!!!
Jackdaw1888 :-)
Ps...
I am thinking of doing a 3rd and final Verse.
What do you think???
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I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all :D Good luck with this song!
Try thinking outside of the box for a mo.
Try thinking that JAYLEEN is but an Anagram?
ie the letter N is Norma Jeane maybe?
Jackdaw1888
The letter J is Judy Garland.
Anybody clever enough to offer who is the letter Y?
Jackdaw1888:-)
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JAYLEEN
She walks on down the Boulevard
Some people stop and stare
Her fine clothes
And her elegance
So chique and debonair
Her face in all the Magazines
A Star upon your Silver Screens
She was a movie queen
A movie queen
JAYLEEN you were the one
You were the one
Who left me broken and blue
But the Wings of Fame that carried you
Have flown and set you free
You're now a Memory
A Memory
She stands upon the Walk of Fame
Remembering her past
Her handprint in the sidewalk stone
She hopes that it will last
Her face once on the Billboard screen
The Girl of the American Dream
She was a movie queen
A movie queen
JAYLEEN you were the one
You were the one
Who left me broken and blue
But the Wings of Fame that carried you
Have flown and set you free
You're now a Memory
A Memory
She watches her old movie reels
Sipping cocktails
By the score
Her Oscars dull and weary now
Lay sleeping in a drawer
She was a face on cinema screen
A Hollywood star at just seventeen
She was a movie queen
A movie queen
Jackdaw1888 :-)
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My next song/lyrics is entitled ....
The Face of Eleanor
Or
Eleanor
It is going to be Fab!!!
May even be 'Fantabulous'... promise x
Jackdaw :-)
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Okay...
I appreciate that I have'nt been a member of this Forum for that long.
But I have already noticed that some peeps just seem to diss or slate other people's Songs or Lyrics!!!
And yet they themselves offer very little?
Why???
Jackdaw1888
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I don't know what you mean by "slate", but I do understand "diss".
I also don't know which posts you've been reading, but I haven't personally noticed much dissing. Are you talking about when people criticize posts of lyrics and songs? I mean, when they point out details they think could be better? I've seen a lot of that, but it is almost always done respectfully and it seems most people point out their remarks are based on their opinions and understanding and invite the receiver of the crit to ignore if they don't agree.
My reason for posting my songs is for people to hunt diligently for weaknesses and to tell me about them and hopefully give me ideas for making improvements. I really, really like getting criticisms. Having people tell me it's a great song and they love it is nice, but doesn't help me improve.
But maybe you've noticed something else. You said "some peeps", so maybe it isn't wide spread? If that's the case, there are always some people who are more negative than positive. I just ignore it when it happens. That is, I ignore the negativity, but I still look to see if I can get any good out of the post.
I don't know if this helped you or not...if not, just ignore me. ;D
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I don't know what you mean by "slate", but I do understand "diss".
I also don't know which posts you've been reading, but I haven't personally noticed much dissing. Are you talking about when people criticize posts of lyrics and songs? I mean, when they point out details they think could be better? I've seen a lot of that, but it is almost always done respectfully and it seems most people point out their remarks are based on their opinions and understanding and invite the receiver of the crit to ignore if they don't agree.
My reason for posting my songs is for people to hunt diligently for weaknesses and to tell me about them and hopefully give me ideas for making improvements. I really, really like getting criticisms. Having people tell me it's a great song and they love it is nice, but doesn't help me improve.
But maybe you've noticed something else. You said "some peeps", so maybe it isn't wide spread? If that's the case, there are always some people who are more negative than positive. I just ignore it when it happens. That is, I ignore the negativity, but I still look to see if I can get any good out of the post.
I don't know if this helped you or not...if not, just ignore me. ;D
I choose to ignore you.
Cheers.
Jackdaw1888
Ps...
You once sent me a PM?
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I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all :D Good luck with this song!
Try thinking outside of the box for a mo.
Try thinking that JAYLEEN is but an Anagram?
ie the letter N is Norma Jeane maybe?
Jackdaw1888
J = Judy Garland
A = Audrey Hepburn
Y = Yu -So - Chow
L = Lauren Becall
E = Elizabeth Taylor
E = Eva Gabor
N = NORMA JEANE
Jackdaw1888 :-)
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I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all :D Good luck with this song!
Try thinking outside of the box for a mo.
Try thinking that JAYLEEN is but an Anagram?
ie the letter N is Norma Jeane maybe?
Jackdaw1888
J = Judy Garland
A = Audrey Hepburn
Y = Yu -So - Chow
L = Lauren Becall
E = Elizabeth Taylor
E = Eva Gabor
N = NORMA JEANE
Jackdaw1888 :-)
Upon reflection the A in JAYLEEN is a tough call for me.
So I have decided to share it between Audrey Hepburn and Ava Gardner.
They were both beautiful and movie icons.
Jackdaw1888 :-)
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I choose to ignore you.
Cheers.
Jackdaw1888
Ps...
You once sent me a PM?
Yes.
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I choose to ignore you.
Cheers.
Jackdaw1888
Ps...
You once sent me a PM?
Yes.
Well check it out CM ... I have actually made several replies or comments or sent praise to other Members songs or lyrics ok?
Jackdaw1888
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I choose to ignore you.
Cheers.
Jackdaw1888
Ps...
You once sent me a PM?
Yes.
Well check it out CM ... I have actually made several replies or comments or sent praise to other Members songs or lyrics ok?
Jackdaw1888
Ok. I did.
I'm not writing much these days, music or reviews...I'm too distracted by my daughter's cancer treatment. Driving 400 miles round trip every couple weeks. Tiring emotionally and physically. I'll have to write a song about it some day.
I appreciate you've stepped up your reviews a bit. Overall, you definitely add flavor and activity to the forum.
Vicki
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I choose to ignore you.
Cheers.
Jackdaw1888
Ps...
You once sent me a PM?
Yes.
Well check it out CM ... I have actually made several replies or comments or sent praise to other Members songs or lyrics ok?
Jackdaw1888
Ok. I did.
I'm not writing much these days, music or reviews...I'm too distracted by my daughter's cancer treatment. Driving 400 miles round trip every couple weeks. Tiring emotionally and physically. I'll have to write a song about it some day.
I appreciate you've stepped up your reviews a bit. Overall, you definitely add flavor and activity to the forum.
Vicki
I have sent you a couple of PM's Vicki.
You will understand why when you read.
Kind Regards
Jackdaw
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To Vicki.
Many thanks for your compassion and understanding re my PM's to yourself.
Its a difficult time for me at the mo but you have gained my trust and my friendship.
Take care
Jackdaw 1888
Ps...
Never forget that being a Mum or Mom or a Mother is the hardest job in the World!!!
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Thanks, Jackdaw!
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Thanks, Jackdaw!
YOU are most welcome Missy Vicki.
No need for your Thanks but cheers anyways
Jackdaw x x x
Ps ... I would be more than happy and willing to help you write the Song you said you may write one day.
I recentlly wrote the following for my Mum.
Jackdaw 1888 :-)
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'ALZHEIMERS'
Dear Mum
Time has made us Strangers
But you still remain my Mum
I know you do not know me
But I am Carl your Son.
You gave me Life
And Loved me much
I miss your smile
And warmth
And touch.
A lways remember that I am here by your side
L eading you through darkness and fears you now hide
Z ealed by my love for you
H onoured to be your child
E very passing sun and moon
I dyllic memories run wild
M y care and thoughts are with you
E ach and every day
R est assured Dear Mum
S alvation's on its way.
Time has made us Strangers
But you still remain my Mum
I know you do not know me
But I am Carl your Son.
You gave me Life
And Loved me much
I miss your smile
And warmth
And touch.
To my dear Mum, Maggie xxx
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I like this, I like how jayleen can both be a person and a metaphor for being suckered in and broken by a beautiful person.. It's simple but it works coz it's relatable , could maybe be extended a bit? Well done!
Sent these lyrics to JAYLEEN STONEHOUSE
The JAYLEEN lyrics.
NOT the Alzheimer Ode to my Mum
Regards
Jackdaw 1888 :-)
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Working upon a final verse for this at the mo.
It will be Jayleen's kind of epitaph.
Jackdaw1888 :-)
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Thanks, Jackdaw!
Dear Vicki.
I hope you and your daughter are well.
Cancer beat my elder Sister two days ago.
Take care and best wishes.
Jackdaw x x x
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So sorry, Jackdaw! It seems more and more people I know are being diagnosed all the time. Is it just my age, or is the rate going up?
Vicki
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"So chique and debonair"
I don't know what these two words mean. ;D
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"So chique and debonair"
I don't know what these two words mean. ;D
Oh dear :-(
Maybe you should do some research :-)
Jackdaw1888
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"So chique and debonair"
I don't know what these two words mean. ;D
Oh dear :-(
Maybe you should do some research :-)
Jackdaw1888
Chic
adjective, chicer, chicest.
1.
attractive and fashionable; stylish:
a chic hat.
noun
2.
style and elegance, especially in dress:
Paris clothes have such chic.
3.
stylishness; modishness:
the chic of the firstnighters.
4.
casual and understated style, as in dress or décor, that expresses a specified trendy lifestyle or activity:
Black-rimmed glasses bring some geek chic to your outfit.
Debonair
adjective
1.
courteous, gracious, and having a sophisticated charm:
a debonair gentleman.
2.
jaunty; carefree; sprightly.
Learned something new today too!
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"So chique and debonair"
I don't know what these two words mean. ;D
Oh dear :-(
Maybe you should do some research :-)
Jackdaw1888
Chic
adjective, chicer, chicest.
1.
attractive and fashionable; stylish:
a chic hat.
noun
2.
style and elegance, especially in dress:
Paris clothes have such chic.
3.
stylishness; modishness:
the chic of the firstnighters.
4.
casual and understated style, as in dress or décor, that expresses a specified trendy lifestyle or activity:
Black-rimmed glasses bring some geek chic to your outfit.
Debonair
adjective
1.
courteous, gracious, and having a sophisticated charm:
a debonair gentleman.
2.
jaunty; carefree; sprightly.
Learned something new today too!
Pray tell ...
What else did you learn???
Jackdaw1888 :-)
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"So chique and debonair"
I don't know what these two words mean. ;D
Oh dear :-(
Maybe you should do some research :-)
Jackdaw1888
Chic
adjective, chicer, chicest.
1.
attractive and fashionable; stylish:
a chic hat.
noun
2.
style and elegance, especially in dress:
Paris clothes have such chic.
3.
stylishness; modishness:
the chic of the firstnighters.
4.
casual and understated style, as in dress or décor, that expresses a specified trendy lifestyle or activity:
Black-rimmed glasses bring some geek chic to your outfit.
Debonair
adjective
1.
courteous, gracious, and having a sophisticated charm:
a debonair gentleman.
2.
jaunty; carefree; sprightly.
Learned something new today too!
Pray tell ...
What else did you learn???
Jackdaw1888 :-)
Hmmm???
No reply???
I wonder Why???
Is it because Jackdaw or Jackdaw1888 is all over the Web and also writes crime Blogs and indeed the odd Book?... ha ha :-)