The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Eline97 on August 16, 2017, 09:37:27 AM
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Hi guys! I finished my new song yesterday. It's called Unconditional Arms and I've struggled with this song for a pretty long time, because it's very meaningful to me. Monday night I was at a concert and got so inspired by the musicians, I finally knew how to finish it, so I did that asap. Hope you like it, please let me know!
Soundcloud link:
https://soundcloud.com/user-388540497/unconditional-arms
Lyrics:
I throw a hundred roses
On hundred thousand moments
And millions of sweet memories
I relive every minute
Smile every smile in it
Cry every tear
Lying on my tear-stained pillow
I am wishing you goodnight
Though I know I won't be sleeping
Stronger than fear
Warmer than summer
Used to put me to bed
They’re sleeping for good
I can still see your face
Still hear your voice
But I can't feel your
Unconditional arms
The transience of all things
Does not apply to loss
And I promise our love won’t fade
I always wear your necklace
You’re never off my mind
Please stay with me
When I sing your favorite music
Playing in your fingersteps
Can you hear me from up there
Stronger than fear
Warmer than summer
Used to put me to bed
Are sleeping for good
I can still see your face
Still hear your voice
But I can't feel your
Unconditional arms
It’s what I miss the most
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Yo Eline97.
This is just beautiful.
There are some topics that are difficult to approach because we are still raw. I finished one recently where there were many attempts at the vocals,as I just couldn't get through one take.
I suppose it takes a professional to tackle these kinds of subjects and yet still remain functional!
Anyway,it's a lovely song and your voice carries it so well. 8)
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Thank you so much, Skub! It was difficult indeed, took me more than one attempt as well... But writing and singing about these kinds of sensitive topics does honor the main purpose of music IMO, and it also really helps in the process of dealing with these emotions, so it really is worth it. Thanks for listening!
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This is lovely Eline, such a fantastic melody accompanied by some sensational vocals. I love songs recorded like this that are so raw and natural, the emotion really cuts through. This is nailed on for me, absolutely loved it :)
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Very powerful song Eline, delicately sung and played. There's so mich to like here - right from the title (I like the way at first it sounds almost military and aggressive - 'unconditional' as in 'unconditional surrender' and 'arms' as in weapons, but then the song reveals it to be just the opposite). I love the word 'fingersteps' too...a new word (I think?) but captures the idea of someone playing the piano so well.
If I can try to help polish a diamond,I thought the lyrics in two places could be tweaked slightly because the pronouns are a bit unclear and jar slightly grammatically:
"I relive every minute
Smile every smile in it"
- not sure what the "it" here refers to? If you're talking about the minutes, to my ears it would have to be "in them", but if you want a rhyme then maybe "smile every smile with it" works more smoothly.
Then the chorus -
"Stronger than fear
Warmer than summer
Used to put me to bed
They're sleeping for good"
- not sure what the "they" is. How about "The hands that put me to bed" in line 3 so we know what the 'they' is next line? Could be a nice link to the "arms" that come later.
I hope you don't mind these small suggestions; if you prefer it to be more cryptic then ignore them, but I felt that would help them flow more naturally.
Again, great moving song.
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first time I've heard a bear bones song that did not need to develop as it progressed..this is beautiful from start to finish,
people like to say..it's about the song innit!! but unfortunately it isn't..
some production magic on this could turn this into a radio ready song that would put Taylor swift to shame... 8) 8)
very well done with this lovely song :) :) :)
best, Kevin :)
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great.
I especially like the whole composition and the chorus.
"Stronger than fear", is very strong.
Also the vocals seem very heartfelt.
Well done.
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Lovely.
Really enjoyed it
Keep up the good work
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Aw...
I listened to this and a tear rolled down my cheek.
It's your Mam? If so, I'm sure she heard it and is very proud of you.
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hi,
Good tune, with the structure that sound both old and current. Like you vocals.
Heartfelt
:)
neil
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Really nice song Eline.
Great emotion on the lyrics and the instrumentation is nice.
We can get sone production magic on this too. When those instruments and vocal are mixed and slightly treated, you have a very nice song on your hands.
Very nice work and a lovely vocal.
Andy
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What a lovely song Eline, the guitar is nicely played, and the vocal is exceptional, not sure about the keyboard in the background, it sounded a little untidy. This could be great with some proper production, not to change it, just to polish it up.
Well done, Mikey
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Good song Eline, it reminded me of Eva Cassidy in parts .Nice work
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Hi Eline. This is a Lovely song. Very tender, good guitar playing and great singing voice. You could leave it as is and it would be raw and beautiful. You could also tidy it up slightly and work a little on the timing and the production (and the forum can help you here should you wish to go down that route).
In my personal opinion I don't think you should change it, as the raw emotion and the strength of the song shine through. Cheers Micky
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I wouldn't tamper with this too much as there is so much to like about it
But I can imagine some light violin in the song somewhere but not too overbearing
cheers
Lilly
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Hi!
A lovely song. Hopeful in a way. The piano could be a bit louder.
Keep up the good work!
Martin
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Thanks so much for listening everyone! I'm really humbled by all of the compliments..
I love the word 'fingersteps' too...a new word (I think?) but captures the idea of someone playing the piano so well.
If I can try to help polish a diamond,I thought the lyrics in two places could be tweaked slightly because the pronouns are a bit unclear and jar slightly grammatically:
"I relive every minute
Smile every smile in it"
- not sure what the "it" here refers to? If you're talking about the minutes, to my ears it would have to be "in them", but if you want a rhyme then maybe "smile every smile with it" works more smoothly.
Then the chorus -
"Stronger than fear
Warmer than summer
Used to put me to bed
They're sleeping for good"
- not sure what the "they" is. How about "The hands that put me to bed" in line 3 so we know what the 'they' is next line? Could be a nice link to the "arms" that come later.
I hope you don't mind these small suggestions; if you prefer it to be more cryptic then ignore them, but I felt that would help them flow more naturally.
Again, great moving song.
The word fingersteps is indeed a word I made up while writing this song. Glad you liked it :). Wow, I hadn't noticed those flaws in the lyrics. But now that I think about it, the 'in it' refers to every minute separately (although it mostly sounds nice due to the rhyme ;) ) and the 'they' you mentioned refers to the arms. Maybe I'll make that clearer indeed. Thanks!
first time I've heard a bar bones song that did not need to develop as it progressed..this is beautiful from start to finish,
people like to say..it's about the song innit!! but unfortunately it isn't..
some production magic on this could turn this into a radio ready song that would put Taylor swift to shame... 8) 8)
very well done with this lovely song :) :) :)
Thank you so much Kevin!! I doubt I'll ever be able to put her songs to shame.. But thank you for the confidence ;).
Aw...
I listened to this and a tear rolled down my cheek.
It's your Mam? If so, I'm sure she heard it and is very proud of you.
Wow, really..? Thank you for sharing that, this is what music is all about for me... Making people feel the emotion behind the song. It's my dad, actually. He passed away 6 years ago, and it's the first time I've been able to write a song about it that was good enough to share with anyone. I do hope he heard it and that you're right. Thanks!
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Hi Eline,
I know one thing about this song, your dad would have been very proud of you and this song...
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"The transience of all things does not apply to loss" - a magnificent, relatable, and memorable (and often true) thought.
Really liked everything here. I probably also agree that using "they" for the arms you haven't mentioned yet isn't ideal. But the next time and the next listen this doesn't really matter and I challenge most people to only want to listen once.
Very sad but beautiful and conveys so well what you want to
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Hi
Very nice song and a strong performance.
I like the exposed nature of the delivery.
The vocal is excellent - very contemporary sounding.
Digger
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This is stunningly beautiful. The words and the vocal are what sold it to me..
"The transience of all things does not apply to loss" - a magnificent, relatable, and memorable (and often true) thought.
and I couldn't agree more with Adam here. Such a brilliant line.
Top work Eline!
All the best
Darren