The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: hardtwistmusic on August 13, 2017, 08:54:17 PM
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Heard a song. It triggered a thought. Thirty minutes later, a lyric. No idea if it's any good or not.
Don't Forget to Tell Her
Verse:
Don’t forget to tell her that you love her.
Don’t forget to show her that you care.
Don’t believe that anything is certain
Don’t take if for granted she’ll be there.
Verse:
Let her know the way you feel about her.
Let her know she’s always on your mind.
Let her know how terribly you miss her,
whenever she is gone for any time.
Chorus:
Don’t forget. Don’t make her wonder.
Quiet hearts fail every day.
Faint heart never won faire maiden.
Make it clear with all you say.
Verse:
Make her see the way she’s gotten to you.
Be sure she knows she’s wrapped up in your soul.
Tell her you don’t want to live without her.
Tell her she's the part that makes you whole.
Verse:
Speak your mind, you musn't let her wonder.
Be sure she knows she’s right there in your heart.
Don’t ever let her think that you’re not thinking of her.
Don’t let her think you want to be apart.
Chorus:
Don’t forget. Don’t make her wonder.
Quiet hearts fail every day.
Faint heart never won faire maiden.
Make it clear with all you say.
Bridge:
You should express how much you love her when you leave her.
Communicate how much you love her on return.
Be sure to say, “I really love you.” when you call her.
Be sure to let her know you’re love will always burn.
Chorus:
Don’t forget. Don’t make her wonder.
Quiet hearts fail every day.
Faint heart never won faire maiden.
Make it clear with all you say.
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Hi HTM, nice song, it scans well. could be great with the right music
Mikey
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pretty solid lyrics there
Sure to work out with the right music.
just sounds a tad naieve. people can be very complicated, I'm sure you know this.
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just sounds a tad naieve. people can be very complicated, I'm sure you know this.
Oh yeah. Without question. As I wrote it, I gave in and just let it be another in a long, long, tradition of dysfunctional, one dimensional love songs. Love is ALWAYS more complicated than this. I left this one "uncomplicated," and thus "unreal."
I usually put in an underlying "cautionary lesson to be learned" or a twist of some kind into a love song to keep it real. This time, I just let it be a guy/gal who is obsessed without any fear that maybe it's one-sided, or maybe the other is not all he/she has built them up to be etc.
The only "real" part of this lyric is that I get a sense that he's really never going to make it back. If he (and it is a "he" in my mind, but is open) really wanted to go back, what's keeping him from already being there? Ooooopsie. That was because I had another lyric in my mind when responding.
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Hi HTM, nice song, it scans well. could be great with the right music
Mikey
I wrote it to music in my head that I'm quite certain is not original . . . or if it is, it's copying myself.
So, it's totally open to new music. I was so certain that the music was already "taken" that I've allowed myself to just forget the music I wrote it to.
Thank you for the encouraging input.
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Hi Verlon
Now you know I love your work! ;D
This one however seems like it is all chorus to me.
It's a good chorus, mind you, just as dessert can taste good, but leaves me asking "where's my meat?" if that's all I'm served ;D
Hope you don't think I'm rude!
Did I mention I love your work? ;D ;D
Paul
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Hi Paul. I never think criticism is rude.
My reaction to criticism went through several stages.
1. I first had to learn to reluctantly accept criticism because it was necessary.
2. Then I had to learn to value ALL criticism. . . even when it was not intended to be "constructive."
3. Then I had to learn to genuinely WELCOME all criticism and APPRECIATE it.
4. Then I had to learn to love criticism.
I genuinely love criticism. I especially love it when I know it is well intended. . . which I always know for a fact that yours is.
The "all chorus" is a unique criticism. And I will take some time to look at the lyric to understand it. I wrote this to a tune that totally validates your critique. . . a tune I knew I wouldn't be using. It either wasn't mine. . . or was already used. Not sure which.
I've found a piece of music that I did years ago that the lyric wasn't "pulling it's weight on" and it works for the verses of this lyric. It's an unusual bit of music, and it might alleviate your observation of "all chorus." I'll try it and see.
Also. . . the chorus I have isn't compatible with the new music, so I'll do something different there to further differentiate the chorus from the verses.
Thank you for your always constructive comments on this lyric and on everything you comment on from me and from others.
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Hi Verlon
After a few lines, it reminded me of "tell her about it" by Billy Joel...but it definitely has enough of its own thing going on for me to quickly forget that thought...and after that it's a perfectly good lyric which looks like it'd sing really easily.
It's nice, simple and uncomplicated...and very well put together. A solid foundation for a song.
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Hi Verlon
After a few lines, it reminded me of "tell her about it" by Billy Joel...but it definitely has enough of its own thing going on for me to quickly forget that thought...and after that it's a perfectly good lyric which looks like it'd sing really easily.
It's nice, simple and uncomplicated...and very well put together. A solid foundation for a song.
Thank you Paul. I like the "tell her about it" vibe. I just modified the song (Tuesday Morning) based on critique from Paulski, and I think it's lots better now.
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Verlon,
I don't care what the world may say, it sounds like this, or reminds me of that. I say, so what, call me a romantic fool, but this is beautiful, straight from the heart. Just been listening to Hank Williams, he had a way with simple love songs, but tell me, who the hell can hold a candle to old hank in this day and age.
Sweet
Vintage54
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Hi!
I like this. It is simple and delivers the message. I just think that saying "Oh God I love you" sounds a little, I'm not sure... desperate? Maybe since my head doesn't think in english, it sounds like that for me when I translate it. I guess it's just not something I would say, but then again, I'm not the main character in this song, so leave it just like that if that's how you feel it should be :)
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Hi!
I like this. It is simple and delivers the message. I just think that saying "Oh God I love you" sounds a little, I'm not sure... desperate? Maybe since my head doesn't think in english, it sounds like that for me when I translate it. I guess it's just not something I would say, but then again, I'm not the main character in this song, so leave it just like that if that's how you feel it should be :)
Good point. And you are right. It DOES sound desperate to an English speaking ear too. I'll change it. Thanks for the help.
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Hi Verlon
After a few lines, it reminded me of "tell her about it" by Billy Joel...but it definitely has enough of its own thing going on for me to quickly forget that thought...and after that it's a perfectly good lyric which looks like it'd sing really easily.
It's nice, simple and uncomplicated...and very well put together. A solid foundation for a song.
Agreed re Billy Joel.
But lovely lyrics notwithstanding and none the less.
Well done :-)
Jackdaw1888
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Hi HTM - as I got into it I liked it better and better. I would say it got off to a slightly weak start for me as "love here" + "care" seems like a combination we've heard a bit too often before.
Thinking about what Paulski said, maybe you could add some progression or variation here or at least set it up in V1 in a different way? Perhaps you could think about a melodramatic opening such as:
What if one day you forgot to tell her?
What if she vanished one day in midair?
What if you found nothing's ever certain?
'Cos you forgot to tell her that you care...
Dangerous spontaneous two-minute suggestions! And not necessarily in line with what you were thinking. But a thought, in case of any interest or use...
By the way, love the bridge part - especially the vocab in the first two lines which takes an unexpected turn.
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Hi HTM - as I got into it I liked it better and better. I would say it got off to a slightly weak start for me as "love here" + "care" seems like a combination we've heard a bit too often before.
Thinking about what Paulski said, maybe you could add some progression or variation here or at least set it up in V1 in a different way? Perhaps you could think about a melodramatic opening such as:
What if one day you forgot to tell her?
What if she vanished one day in midair?
What if you found nothing's ever certain?
'Cos you forgot to tell her that you care...
Dangerous spontaneous two-minute suggestions! And not necessarily in line with what you were thinking. But a thought, in case of any interest or use...
By the way, love the bridge part - especially the vocab in the first two lines which takes an unexpected turn.
Actually Adam, I'm thinking about using your suggestion to close out the song instead of to open it. Loved the idea of making it a question and setting it off from the rest of the song.
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Reads like a country song to me... ;D
I don't have much time or energy for nits these days, so I'll only find one to report...and it isn't much of one at all.
In this line:
whenever she is gone for any time.
I would consider adding "length of", just because "gone for any time" sounds a little like something's missing to me. Making it whenever she is gone for any length of time."
But it could just be me; my head isn't on quite straight at the moment.
I hope to hear this one eventually. I'm curious as to what melody and rhythm you choose for it.
Vicki
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Reads like a country song to me... ;D
I don't have much time or energy for nits these days, so I'll only find one to report...and it isn't much of one at all.
In this line:
whenever she is gone for any time.
I would consider adding "length of", just because "gone for any time" sounds a little like something's missing to me. Making it whenever she is gone for any length of time."
But it could just be me; my head isn't on quite straight at the moment.
I hope to hear this one eventually. I'm curious as to what melody and rhythm you choose for it.
Vicki
Soooooo good to have you back.
If I can make the cadence work, I'll add that "length" in there. I'm not that optimistic that I can.
I'm currently choosing between two vocal melodys right now.