The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: pompeyjazz on August 08, 2017, 10:36:49 PM
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Apologies, One day early but I'm going away tomorrow.....
A lot of my more recent songs have been rather upbeat and poppy so I've decided to write something a bit moody for a change
Alzheimer's eh ? That's a friggin horrible disease and it's something that were going to have to come to terms with more often.
The Line, is the imaginary line that an Alzheimer's sufferer crosses when they really can't remember you. Painful to witness.
I hope I haven't depressed you too much – Sorry !
https://soundcloud.com/pompeyjazz/the-line
The Line
Don't know what to do with myself
They tell me - it's to do with my health
Memory – Tell me what did I say
Can't remember what I did yesterday
Once I cross the line there's no way back it's only time
No illusion, just confusion
I remember back when I was a boy
And details – Of my favourite toy
Faces – That are talking at me
I wonder – Who they could possibly be
Once I cross the line there's no way back it's only time
No illusion, just confusion
Fading – Is it present or past ?
How long – Will my confusion last ?
Once I cross the line there's no way back it's only time
No illusion, just confusion
(c) Bradley - 2017
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Dark. Painful. You took a slowly mind-devouring disease, devised a dividing line beyond which there is nothing but unknowns and questions, then put it in the first person with intensity behind the vocals driving it straight through the heart in combination with the dragging rhythm to the bluesy Gilmouresque guitar licks. The underlying guitar tones scream out epic tragedy, which it is in every family affected. A ten-pin strike.
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A bit moody, eh? ;D Yeah......reckon that's right!
Love the plodding nature of this one. The seeming anger in your voice I'm sure is one of the emotions faced by those afflicted with this terrible cloud. My father is going through this now and I often wonder how much awareness he has of what is happening to him.....slowly. Does he have moments of lucidity long enough to understand what's going on? Or is it just confusion all the time, as you say.
The guitar wandering around under your vocal reminds me of Sam Andrew of Big Brother & the Holding Company. Well done, sir, well done.
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Hi John
Yikes!
Dark and unremitting. Captures the confusion and despair perfectly.
Powerful stuff, Mr B :)
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Damn..was just coming out of depression and this happens... A dark and darker song..one extreme to the other comes to mind...
powerful stuff John mate!! :) :)
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Strong stuff, good stuff.
I really like the second verse.
Also the harmonica(?) in the back.
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John,
I've been considering the very same subject i think.
Anyway the tune is really good and enjoyed the arrangement.
My main feedback is around the timing, the music is ahead of the drums which drag and confuses me I'm afraid. The guitars and vocals are ahead in the first part of verse 1 and on the pre chorus. Just needs a bit of tightening uo.
A touch of Lennon in there with those great defending chords.
Have a great time off
Portentous
:)
neil
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Super powerful and raw stuff PJ.
Personally I like the slightly wobbly touches like the way you seem to bend some of the notes (tremolo arm?) and the way the timing shifts just slightly... made the whole thing feel a bit unstable and sinister which fits the lyric.
A song that hits you in the head and the chest at once.
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just finished watching a doco on the late Glen Campbell actually everyone should watch it.
this song immediately took me there
cheers
Lilly
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Lovely and dark, like the dirty guitars and the gritty vocal, I thought a dirty guitar solo would sound good in there, buts thats probably just me, good solid track, reminds me of something but I can't think what it is.
nice one Pompey
Mikey
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Ouch that was a 'power pain ballad' :o - haunting use of gothic instrumental and powerful lyrics to get over the message....Songwriting wise up there as one of your best. Could sense a touch of John Lennon in there.
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Yo pomps.
I thought I'd posted on this one,but it was soundcloud I left the comment on. Doh!
Very Beatles/Lennon beginning. Then Floyd influences on the 'remember back when I was a boy' part. Cool harmonies here too.
I hear Sabbath in places,in those doom laden heavy riffs.
It's a thought provoking monster and a reminder to us all to enjoy every sandwich. 8)
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Thank you all so much. With regard to timing it really was intended to be like that, disorientated, confused, out of tune slightly. Thanks all so much :)
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Hi John, yes very John Lennon in style and delivery. The arrangement and tempo suit the subject and there are touches of pink Floyd in the instrumental sections. Very good song!
I'm off to slit my wrists now........ ;)
Nice one!
Cheers
Jamie
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I really like that rough, moody sound - it has a live feel. the spooky guitar chords and progressions are great.
pretty intensive
pretty good
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Hi PJ,
Liking this.
Getting plenty of Lennon too. Sort of "I Want You - She's So Heavy" with some more of Lennon's more introspective stuff thrown in. Then some great psychedelic guitar work.
Great tempo. Vocal works very well across it all.
Really well put together.
Digger
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John, really good songwriting here.
The soundscape suits the lyrics with those descending and menacing chords. Powerful ending.
My only feedback is on occasions your playing and singings slightly ahead of the drums.
Portentious
:)
neil
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Love it. Reminds me of something, perhaps The Beatles. Not quite sure at the moment....
The space is brilliant, and the way the music supports the lyrics (Which are great by the way).
Literally the only critique i'd have would be on some of the snare hits being very slightly out of time, but that is absolutely nit-picking.
Keep it up, I look forward to hearing more! :D