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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Neil C on August 07, 2017, 07:44:07 AM
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Hi,
Here's a simple little tune. Written to some lyrics that made me smile for FAWN, I've put it to what I hope is a suitable lightweight and jaunty setting.
Do let me know what you think and thanks for stopping by.
:)
neil
https://soundcloud.com/neilconnor-2/wrong-demo-master-14-march-2017 (https://soundcloud.com/neilconnor-2/wrong-demo-master-14-march-2017)
Wrong
My momma told me to stay quiet
if I can't say - something nice
But there is some satisfaction to be gained
From ignoring that advice
At your earliest inconvenience
I need to air some grievances
I've got a lot of things to say in this here song
You may think our situation doesn't merit altercation
But that's the basic problem: you are wrong
I am clear who you went out with
And I'm guessing what you've done
So I know you know know that
I wasn't there for all that fun
At your earliest inconvenience
I need to air some grievances
I've got a lot to say here in this song.
You may think our situation doesn't merit altercation
But that's the basic problem: you are wrong
My momma said indifference is the opposite of love
I can't make it to indifferent when it's you I'm thinking of
Don't you dare sit there and just take it
Don't just lap it up and agree
I'm going to get right up in your face
And make you fight for me
At your earliest inconvenience
I need to air some grievances
I've got a lot to say here in this song.
You may think our situation doesn't merit altercation
But that's the basic problem: I was wrong
c Mitchell/Connor 2017
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Great lyrics Neil. This reminds me of something that Kilburn and the High Roads or the Blockheads might have done. Like the vocal delivery, it's up front and personal. Another big slice of quality from you :)
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Today must be the day for smart funny lyrics, this one has them in spades. I can almost hear Victoria Wood singing it.
It bounces along nicely and does have that jaunt feel you wanted.
The only thing I would change is 'air some grievances' to 'air a grievance'. I think it would flow better and would still work with following line as you are still airing many of them with the repeats of the chorus.
Good stuff.
Yodasdad
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Hi Neil, great lyric agree with yodasdad about the grievance comment though! Different genre for you but you capture it pretty well. Somewhere between 10cc and Squeeze!
Nice one Neil!
Cheers
Jamie
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Hi Neil
I'm always amazed at you FAWMers (You did mean FAWM?) at how you crank out so many top tunes!
The lyrics are great and set to great music. It's bubbles along nicely and the chorus is catchy and sing-along-able. I like the little guitar notes playing in the background - it gives the song a certain vibe that I can't find the word for :P
Really nicely done and nothing like others I have heard from you.
Thanks for sharing pal
Darren
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Yo Neil. :D
I too hear the Blockheads vibe,light,tight and groovey.
Nicely sardonic lyrics.
Well done y'all. 8)
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Clever lyric! At the outset it had the feel of a Jimmy Buffet tune......bouncy and nautical sounding......this would do well at a beach party! Turning around who was "wrong" was a nice touch. Nicely done, sir!
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Nice take on a clever lyric.
I'm hearing reggae in there somewhere.
Liking the harp playing and of course the guitars (bass too!)
Think if you sung it in a higher key the vocal would cut through better but that's minor.
Good tune ;D
Paul
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Agree with yodasdad on the grievances thing..
cute number made everyone smile in the Jeep while stuck in a jam, ( though I had to explain some of it because they're all foreigners y'know)... as usual ..a very nice instrumental track goin on behind you 8) 8)
fine work :) :)
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I enjoyed this track a lot, totally agree with the Blockheads comparison, I thought the vocals could have been a little louder, but I thought the grievances line worked as it is, and the lyrics are great.
Mikey
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Loads of fun Neil - it's all been said already but great smart lyrics, nice ska/reggae influenced bouncy beat, and top delivery. I'm yet another one who heard the Blockheads in this - I think it is the funny lyrics, and the beat and also the Dury-esque backing vocals. I loved that era and this is a top class evocation of it.
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Love the opening line - was going to use that one myself at some point.
Jaunty and spirited - have not be reviewing much lately but there is a definite improvement in your vocal performance from some of your earlier songs i remember - nice to see fellow members moving round the learning curve in the right direction.
Has a certain summer slight reggae feel and I imagined you sitting under a palm tree with straw hat whilst recording.
Very catchy - tempted to have a go at a cover at some point if i had the time.
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PompeyJazz,
I was a big Ian Dury fan in the late 70's. And these lyric just called our for that British/ska feel
Yodasdad, thanks for the suggestion on airing of grievances
Jamie, thanks for the comments, I like to vary things, variety and all that
Darren, re FAWM, I had lots of lyrical helpers otherwise it would never have been completed. re the guitar its just a little reggae motif
Skub, 'vibe,light,tight and groovey' thanks
Buc, the lyrics are great and drew me in. Beach party? yes please.
Paulski, thanks for your comments, I did play about with the keys as I'm finding my way to what suits my limited vocal range, not sure why I ended up where I did though..
Kev, "cute number made everyone smile in the Jeep while stuck in a jam" And explaining to non English speaking :-)
Mikey, re vocal mix thanks for the feedback, and re the the grievances line I agree, I know its wrong but it works for me
PaulyX, great feedback, I can her Ian and the Blockheads in yours too :-)
Morefrog, Thanks for the feedback on my vocals, I'm slowly getting more confident and learning about this more difficult instrument. Re covering - there's a covers showcase being arranged soon..
:)
Neil
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Great backing serving up excellent lyrics.
And Yeah...your vocals are getting better all the time...your instrumental work has always been exemplary.
Jimmy Carr gag
My nan used to say...
"If you can't say something nice...f#ck off"
This song put a smile on my face...not always an easy thing to do :D
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Paul,
Thanks for that feedback, smiles are all good.
:)
neil
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Hello
I enjoyed this song, I would bring the lead vocal levels up by 3dB, I would also add some more backing harmonies in Stereo panned 70%left and 70% right respectively.
Otherwise it's a good fun song.
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Ha, this is great! I really love the lyrics, wonderful rhymes but still sounding very natural.
Nice bouncy rhythm and a very polished mix. Good stuff!
Bye Wolfi
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Love what you've done here - the laconic vocal against the bouncy backing works really well. I too was trying to put my finger on something around the grievances line which didn't quite sit right - and I think the others are spot on.
Very cool and different track!
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I agree with Neil C ,reminded me of Ian Dury. Your voice and accent is really suited to the song style.Nice harmonica aswell. Good work
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Hi Neil,
I listened to PJ's song before this - just a little different vibe. Lol.
Bright and breezy. Simple, but effective. Something I'd like to sing to one or two of the people I work with.
Liked the outro harmonica.
Digger
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Pompeyjazz put his finger right on it - Ian Dury would be proud of this. Loved the backing track and the playing is peerless. Confident vocals, great production and spot on vibe. Superb throughout.
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Kev, "cute number made everyone smile in the Jeep while stuck in a jam" And explaining to non English speaking :-)
:)
Neil
they do speak English but sometimes they can't catch every word of a song..so explained a bit of it here and there...