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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Darren1664 on August 06, 2017, 11:24:31 AM

Title: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Darren1664 on August 06, 2017, 11:24:31 AM
Hey

So I recorded this a while ago with just me, my acoustic and a mic. I added a second guitar to it afterwards and kind of left it there. I don't intend to work much more on this track in terms of recording - I enjoy playing it but no ambition to do much more with it and so I thought I would post it here as finished.

The theme of the song was inspired but someone I know who, at first appearance, seems a brutish type but in fact is a loveable fellow and I really admire him. I am often plagued with my thoughts and sometimes I wish I wasn't trying to be so clever and thoughtful all the time. The song lyric aren't kind for which I do feel guilty but I liked them all the same. All comments and feedback welcome.

https://soundcloud.com/user-41129754/broken-teeth-1

Lyrics are something like:

Verse
He’s got broken teeth
Cracks that he smiles through
He’s got sunken eyes that seem to chew on two plus two

But he has love that shines
Brighter than my wisdom
He has a heart that swells greater than the words I spell

Pre Chorus
Let’s not be so hasty to judge a man so lazily
That we miss the sparkle in his eye and the beauty of a simple mind

Chorus
The less I think I think
The more I know I know
If I could switch off
The more I'd grow, grow, grow

The less I think I think
The more I know I know
If I could switch off
The more I'd grow, grow, grow

Verse
When I write my songs
I spit out all my fears
But when in public view I seem to chew on two plus two too

So I wish I could be
A little bit more like thee
A little bit less confined to the corners of my mind

Chorus
The less I think I think
The more I know I know
If I could switch off
The more I'd grow, grow, grow

The less I think I think
The more I know I know
If I could switch off
The more I'd grow, grow, grow
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Viva La Stereo on August 06, 2017, 03:46:55 PM
This song is so delicate. I'm a fan of lo-fi music so this is right up my street. You don't really need to do anything with it, it's a very nice recording. Rather short, but I'm guessing you did that on purpose so it's not an issue. The lyrics are nice as is the sentiment behind the song. I can imagine listening to this out in the countryside under the stars. I like it a lot.
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Jambrains on August 06, 2017, 08:26:15 PM
This is really nice. To me the strongest point here is the rhythmical element i.e. grow,grow, know,know etc.
That is an excellent hook and I really think you should reconsider "not doing much more with it".
Build on that hook, perhaps add some drums etc and this could be catchy as,..... I don't know what but catchy in any case. Great potential here I'd say.
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Mikey on August 06, 2017, 08:33:36 PM
Nice track, I like the sentiment in the lyrics and it is well played and sung. it has a nice catchy chorus too.

Mikey
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: PaulyX on August 06, 2017, 10:29:36 PM
Hey Darren,
Now you have a song to match that profile pic of you with the weird teeth!
I really like it - very short and pure, which matches the subject matter.  Again (like your last one) it has a great title - a little unusual and draws you in... I really wanted to hear it to see what it would be about.
Excellent lyrics (almost Buddhist philosophy!) and I like the way you turn the attention from "him" in the first verse to "you" in the second verse - the way you both "chew on two plus two" is a nice touch that keeps it humble.  The only word in the whole thing I didn't like is "thee" (felt a bit like Shakespearian language all of a sudden and bit of an overreach for a rhyme, plus you call the subject "he" in the rest of it so it felt a little strange to suddenly stop using the third person... could you get away with:

"So I wish I could seem
A little bit more like him"

... or something like that?

Apart from that one word though I liked everything about this - your favourite of mine so far I think, great writing backed up by neat guitar playing.
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: pompeyjazz on August 06, 2017, 11:05:22 PM
Of course Darren, you are absolutely right. We are told by the media what to like / dislike. Do / Say / speak / wear / eat. This is a great tune and your sentiments compliment it perfectly
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Yodasdad on August 07, 2017, 08:54:02 AM
Hi,

Liked the picking and the chord changes..

It's a little on the short side for me, I was just settling into it and it was over.

Some nice melodic work in there, although I have to agree with Jambrains, t think you could develop this even more and make it really special.

Good work.

Yodasdad
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Darren1664 on August 07, 2017, 05:32:34 PM
Wow thanks for the great comments all! I wasn't really expecting that :P It was one of those written in 10 minutes jobbies that I just noddle around with and thought I'd share.

I have a lot in the WIP folder and it's a little daunting but I'll happy put this back in and move it up the queue given the kind comments. I think I will try and keep it nice and simple though and just add a break and return to the pre-chorus/chorus section to end. Maybe add percussion and if I am really brave some BVs

Pauly - I tried 'him' and not only did it work I preferred it! I, too, had a problem with that lyric but stuck with it for lack of a rhyme. Turns out I like the non rhyme there, so thanks for that!

And again thank you all for taking the time to listen and review my track. Means a lot!

Take care

Darren
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra on August 07, 2017, 06:40:59 PM
Fab lyric.

Echo what others said cos they say it better than me....

I'm in two minds about the possible development of the song...should you or shouldn't you? It's kind of simple with hidden depths which suggests to me now as I type that if you do develop it further it shouldn't be too much....yeah some percussion or something, no big fat arrangement...maybe some whistling as it's quite comtemplative in a whistling sort of way....not that I like whistling in songs really...but if you did go for that I would go for the sibilant whistling through teeth thing rather than the full-on shaped-lip whistle.

Enjoying your stuff Darren!
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Skub on August 07, 2017, 11:36:40 PM
Hey Darren.

This would make a cracker busking song. I can imagine a boyo sitting on a box beating it in time.

Short,but some incisive lyrical content.

Good work man.  8)
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: The S on August 08, 2017, 06:21:47 AM
Love it! But...

The absolute killer here that I believe really makes the song shine is the fab intro picking, which for some reason we don't get to hear again except in the intro?!?

So here's my suggestion for song structure, IMHO!

Intro - Keep as is
1 verse - Keep as is
Chorus - Keep as is
After the 1st chorus - Exactly where now the 2nd verse starts, you put the intro back in. Give the listener some breathing space.
Rinse and repeat.
Outro - The intro!  ;D

You might consider just to strum out on the last chord of the chorus and just let your voice be heard on the "grow, grow, grow" part, to make it stand out a bit more. Idk how it will sound but you could try it out.

Besides that, no need to add other instruments, I like it as is. Good stuff!

Again, IMHO!

Cheers,

Peter
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Jamie on August 08, 2017, 02:37:55 PM
Hi, enjoyed the guitar playing and chords had a nice vibe to it. Lyrics and melody fitted well. I'm not sure a big production would add much to this type of song.good as it is imho!
Cheers
Jamie
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Darren1664 on August 09, 2017, 08:14:29 PM
Hey hey

Thank you for the kind and constructive comments :)

I like the idea of whistling Viscount and I think I know the kind you mean. I have, after reading comments here, managed to figure out a bridge section that would work and bring back nicely into the pre chorus. I plan on laying down another guitar take and playing around with the different ideas suggested here. I think whistling to see the song out would be nice. I'll have a play. Glad you're enjoying my stuff, nice to hear :)

Thanks Skub. I'd love to have a percussion buddy :P would make making music all the easier to have a beat in the background ;)

You know what Peter that's a good point. I've tried with adding that guitar part in the middle and end and it sounds good there so I am going to stick with that. I like you structure - I've just added a bridge section and I'm am going to try and write a similar but slightly varied guitar section to the intro for middle to add a slight variety. Thanks for the help pal.

Thanks Jamie, I'm glad you enjoyed mate.

So I've put this back into WIP. I think I actually have everything except a few tweaks to my new bridge lyrics and some possible whistling and lead guitar lines. Just have to record it then :/ it's there I will struggle most I fear

Thanks everyone for your help - I hope to get another version finished before the end of the year :P my focus first is on Man Reborn which I hope to complete in October! where does time go

Take care all

Darren
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: TheButcher on August 10, 2017, 07:07:39 AM


Hi;

as a non english speaker i m not so good with words; but i still think, you wrote some great lyrics;

Quote
He’s got broken teeth
Cracks that he smiles through
He’s got sunken eyes that seem to chew on two plus two

But he has love that shines
Brighter than my wisdom
He has a heart that swells greater than the words I spell

ahh...that s beautiful; leave the song the way it is; tx 4 sharing

B.
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: shadowfax on August 10, 2017, 09:19:32 AM
Yeah, this is one of those songs that just works as is...

nice song! :)
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Darren1664 on August 12, 2017, 06:56:00 PM
Thanks The Butcher and Shadowfax! Glad to hear you enjoyed it and liked the lyrics  :) thanks for taking the time to listen and review - much appreciated. Darren
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Paulski on August 13, 2017, 02:29:36 AM
Hi Darren

Good song! I especially liked the lyrics, the vocals (and the length  ;D)
It has an innocence to it that would be ruined by a bigger production IMHO.
However I think the current presentation could be cleaned up a bit to make it really shine.

Paul
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: rightly on August 17, 2017, 09:24:57 AM
this is a little gem of a song.
"Brighter than my wisdom"

reminds me of Bonnie Prince Billy, on a good day.

lovely chorus

well done
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: PaulAds on August 17, 2017, 10:23:24 AM
Very cool  8)

This is great...I really loved the lyrics and the sentiment behind them.

I enjoyed it very much just as it is.

I looked through the previous comments before I wrote this to see if I'd be repeating what had gone before...

The S hit the nail on the head...I thought the guitar intro was way too good to not make much more use of.

Could grow into a really great song with a little work, I think.

Great writing!
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Neil C on August 22, 2017, 08:33:58 AM
Neat simple tune and message. Catchy too. Suits the stripped back style.
Lots to like a short space of time.
 :)
neil
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: adamfarr on August 22, 2017, 07:43:55 PM
Great song and great playing which makes me doubly envious...

I guess the lyrics could be a bit uncomfortable when this is a particular person who you might meet... but there is such a great honesty there that really takes them out of the ordinary.

The chewing on two and two line is genius!

I'd have a bit more picking (and/or whistling!) and just repeat all through from the top. Great song and great that you might develop it.
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Morefrog Jones on August 22, 2017, 08:09:02 PM
Really enjoyed - lovely lyric writing.
Loads of potential
Good Stuff. :)
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: pompeyjazz on August 22, 2017, 11:17:00 PM
Lovely song guys  :)
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Andyb on August 23, 2017, 12:34:33 AM
I started to listen to this song and think "what would I do with it?" then about half way through i realised it was perfect as it was. Good work I can totally hear this in some quirky movie.
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Darren1664 on August 23, 2017, 10:07:37 PM
Wow thanks for listening and commenting all. Much appreciated :) and I'm really taken aback by the kind comments to my song. Glad I posted it now

Paulski - Thanks mate. Really glad you liked to lyric and vocals. I am still surprised by the kind comment my vocals get. It's done my confidence the world of good :P thank you

Rightly - Thanks mate. I am pleased you liked it :) no idea who Bonnie Prince Billy is so I will have to check it out - OK just listening to him and yeah that's a real compliment mate, thank you.

PaulAds - Thanks buddy. Glad you too liked the lyrics :) it's been really nice to hear and yes I liked the S's comments. Currently working on an updated version. It will be much the same with just a few small additions and I might try and record it cleaner, maybe do guitars and vocals in separate takes. Thanks for your review, glad you liked :)

Neil C - Thanks mate. Really appreciate your time and kind words.

Adam - Really glad you liked it mate. Although you have nothing to be envious of as your a much better song writer than I. Yes, it isn't someone I see often or who would be likely to hear it thankfully, or know it was about them necessarily. I'm pleased you like the lyrics :) hoping to get a better recording done soon and by soon I mean by the end of the year :P

Morefrog - Thanks pal. Glad you liked it :) thanks for taking the time buddy.

Pompey - Sure this comment is for me? :P I'd hate to think someone out there is missing a review :( but I notice you had already commented so maybe this is for someone else :P

Andyb - Really nice to hear mate. I'm glad you liked it and really appreciate you taking the time to listen and comment. I'd love to hear this in a movie :P small chance though!

Thank you everyone. Great community as always and done my confidence wonders. Hope to post some new stuff soon

Darren
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Cawproductions on August 24, 2017, 12:52:46 PM
Darren,

Love the quirkyness of the song and vocal style. Nice work, I reckon it could build with a bit of percussion later in the song but thats just my opinion and is purely a taste thing.

But I really liked it, Its one of them songs that would sound good as both acoustic and with a band...Thats the sign of a good song IMHO.

Nice work chap.
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: ScottLevi on August 25, 2017, 03:25:40 PM
Hey Darren,

A bit late on this one but thought I'd peek in and say my peice anyway xD

It's too short!

Haha but seriously, I can't compute my thoughts properly, so here's an incoherent mash up..

- Thought it might be cool initially to leave the listener in more anticipation before getting to the point. If you abused your friend a bit more at the start would be a nice reveal when it's like "actually, despite all that I've said, I admire this man". That said, that first verse fits really well as a first verse and that second verse leads on from it so nicely so maybe not!

- I like the simple execution, I mean it's the beautify of a simple mind, and if you don't keep this simple you're defeating the point of the song (or I guess you could go the over way and do a bit of deliberate contradiction to show how you haven't learnt this lesson yet - just not middle-of-the-road complicated)

- I really like the below verse, as songwriters I'm sure this hits a lot of us as we so often say things we'd be wiser to say conversation, it's a great freedom. I was thinking it would be cool to repeat this notion but with other examples (to be more relocatable to others) but I'm not sure what other people do... When I paint my pictures?, when I dance my dance?, when I make my prays?
Quote
When I write my songs
I spit out all my fears
But when in public view I seem to chew on two plus two too

- Really cool song for an album I reckon, like it's a nice short tune which I think could be early on, then nearer the end you get into trouble for putting caution to the wind and are forced to explore the balance of spontaneity and thoughtfulness.

Anyway awesome tune, is great as is and the above is more thoughts than suggestions, a good song always gets you thinking!

All the best,
Scott.
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Darren1664 on August 31, 2017, 06:37:42 PM
Hey CAW

Thanks for listening and your feedback, very much appreciated. I will think about percussion but the problem for me will be finding the right sound. A lot of the drum sounds on garageband I don't like but I can have a tinker and see what I can find. Thank you very much

Scott - thanks mate :) yeah I see what your saying regarding the intro a bit more background would help set the scene. If I ever recorded this properly I could always lead with a non musical intro, as a I do like that as a first verse. Food for thought. And yeah it would be nice to repeat that message in some way but is hard to pack that into the song. I have written a little extra for this but unfortunately doesn't include this idea of yours. It's a nice idea though and if I can utilise it I will.

I'm glad you liked it and grateful for your feedback. Be amazing if I could ever get an album together :P but that's a long way off for now. Really grateful for your ideas - is nice to see things in new and different ways!

All the best pal

And thanks again to everyone. This one is in the WIP folder again :P to be re released early next year hopefully :P

Darren
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: David Christy Jones on September 01, 2017, 01:31:22 AM
Someone else said it earlier, but I have to agree that to me the best bit of this song is the rhythm pick up for "Grow, Grow, Grow".
Really nice work, has a bit of the english folk-writers vibe about it, but with a modern spin. Excellent stuff! :D
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: redrhodie on September 19, 2017, 03:10:07 PM
I don't hit the heart button on SoundCloud very often, so it means something good that this is the second song of yours that I did. Loved it.
Title: Re: The beauty of a simple mind (Acoustic, rough but finished)
Post by: Cawproductions on September 19, 2017, 07:10:30 PM
Hey Darren.

Really catchy song, sounds great...lots of peeps saying dont touch it and leave it Lo fi....Noooo.

Can you not hear bass, and like a skiffle band goin on behind as the energy of the song ramped up...

Thats whats goin on in my world...

Great work and a cool track.