The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: rightly on July 30, 2017, 11:22:33 AM
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Hi,
with permission I took some lyrics from Adamfarr and put this poem/song together.
I suppose it's a kind of collaboration. (he didn't see that one coming. lol)
I'd like to say what the song is about but I shouldn't because it speaks for itself.
I've got the music for it down and just need to learn where to breathe, what to emphasise, etc.
This learning how to perform a song takes a bit of time,
I find it doesn't matter how hard I work on it in one session it still needs it's chronological time to settle.
Any criticism is very welcome. If anyone would like to build on it further, that'd be great - I'll use what suits me.
Thanks for your understanding Adam. I'm very keen to hear what you think, and to finish a recording of the song, in particular for your listening.
Enjoy what I have so far. God bless yerzz!
Alone on the Bridge
Potential was squandered
neglect has turned it brown
no amount of water
did ever touch the ground
Step away from that door
and leave those orphaned keys
for all of your sweet splendour
you never found relief
Alone on the bridge, you were floating on it
longer than you would have liked to admit
Kill or be killed
if that's what gets you, up on your heels
and running until...
Away from all the noise
deep in your empty room
your resurected voice
serenades a distant moon
Dressed for a funeral
you never leave the house
with ev'ry passing day
another light goes out
Alone on the bridge, attractions effacing
darker than the quicksand you are chasing
do what thou willt
shall that be the whole of the law for
loving oneself
Back at the bridge, you are floating on it
for longer than you would care to admit
la noche oscura del alma
Alone on the Bridge
_________________________________________
some editing, finishing touches
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hi ..l can offer opinion as a view for possible exploration on these great lyrics.
as you know lm a novice so it could be early days for me to suggest anything, lm still trying to find my way around the complexity of song structures in songwriting..... but the below suggestions might be something to explore, to see what happens.
As l study song structure l read that the first verse should be the 'showing of an event/place ' regarding the ' theme of the story' of a song and a second verse etc moves the story along..
so l was wondering..... how your 2nd verse might look if moved to the lst verse,
and the lst verse, moved down to the 2nd verse ?
l 'see' the 2nd first showing an event of the songs story.. which to my minds eye, is the'event'
but that might be just me..perhaps someone else can offer yes or no on that.
either way, l think its great.
all the best.
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Hi,
with permission I took some lyrics from Adamfarr and put this poem/song together.
I suppose it's a kind of collaboration. (he didn't see that one coming. lol)
I'd like to say what the song is about but I shouldn't because it speaks for itself.
I've got the music for it down and just need to learn where to breathe, what to emphasise, etc.
This learning how to perform a song takes a bit of time,
I find it doesn't matter how hard I work on it in one session it still needs it's chronological time to settle.
Any criticism is very welcome. If anyone would like to build on it further, that'd be great - I'll use what suits me.
Thanks for your understanding Adam. I'm very keen to hear what you think, and to finish a recording of the song, in particular for your listening.
Enjoy what I have so far. God bless yerzz!
Alone on the Bridge
Potential was squandered
neglect has turned it brown
no amount of water
did ever touch the ground
Step away from that door
and leave those orphaned keys
for all of your sweet splendour
you never found relief
Alone at the bridge, you were floating on it
longer than you would have liked to admit
Kill or be killed
if that's what gets you, up on your heels
and running until...
Away from all the noise
deep in your empty room
your resurected voice
serenades a distant moon
Dressed fpr a funeral
you never leave the house
with ev'ry passing day
another light goes out
Alone at the bridge, attractions effacing
darker than the quicksand you are chasing
Kill or be killed
if that's what gets you up on your heels
and running until...
Back at the bridge, you are floating on it
for longer than you would care to admit
Alone on the Bridge
Hey mate, good to see you're collaboration with other lyric writers, im waiting to hear the flow 8)
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hi ..l can offer opinion as a view for possible exploration on these great lyrics.
as you know lm a novice so it could be early days for me to suggest anything, lm still trying to find my way around the complexity of song structures in songwriting..... but the below suggestions might be something to explore, to see what happens.
As l study song structure l read that the first verse should be the 'showing of an event/place ' regarding the ' theme of the story' of a song and a second verse etc moves the story along..
so l was wondering..... how your 2nd verse might look if moved to the lst verse,
and the lst verse, moved down to the 2nd verse ?
l 'see' the 2nd first showing an event of the songs story.. which to my minds eye, is the'event'
but that might be just me..perhaps someone else can offer yes or no on that.
either way, l think its great.
all the best.
hi, thanks for your attention.
And that's a good point you made (especially for a "novice").
I intentionally broke with the traditional structure you described,
partly as experiment, I hope it fits in together with a designed playlist.
The song which will precede it is the other way around.
I'm mad keen these days to realise the concept of an album as opposed to individual tracks.
It's ambition. n' why not.
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A cracking read...
I loved the dressed for a funeral but never leave the house bit in particular.
Very cool.