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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: TheButcher on July 25, 2017, 08:19:20 AM
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Hello;
heres my new song. I tried (and failed) a lot with "fat" drums and guitars (in the chorus).
I wanted a very dynamic song. I had this pretty good chorus; and wanted to pack it in a kinda punk-brit pop thing - but with a slow and mellow verse before it....well...just give it a listen if you want to :)
TY
https://soundcloud.com/inside-man-1/porcelain-final-mix2
porcelain
all the porcelain
that your grandma
ever bought
broken
pieces
on the kitchen floor
and all the flowers
in your garden
dried out
summer lighting
empty highways
lavender skies
pale colours
milky windows
everywhere
and all our kids toys
colours faded
in my hands
love me when i say so
only when i say
i ll never be the one you love
i ll never be the one you love
c’mon, c’mon, c’mon give me some
c’mon i want some
i ll never be the one you love
cold mountain
low on air
but don t you think you ll feel love again
and don t you think i m running back again
into your arms
love me the i say so
only when i say
i ll never be the one you love
i ll never be the one you love
c’mon, c’mon, c’mon give me some
c’mon i want some
i ll never be the one you love
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Hi
l really like this track. The arrangement and vocals are very good in my opinion.
You did not ask for a more detail music critique in your post. If you do just say and l will give a honest critique, baring in mind its based on my personal opinion from a songwriting student and not a professional. all the best.
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Oh, thank you
Feel free to criticize or give feedback on anything.
For me; I ll try to improve the mix;in terms of songwriting, it s finished, but I m always intereseted in feedback.
B
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ok here goes.
l re listened to it 3 times....
Love your vocals..it reminds me of an Artist from a Album l have from my large collection( but at this moment his name escapes me (lv been listening to a lot music last few days)so forgive me, but as soon as l recall his name l will get back to you.
my personal critique of the track arrangement.
l felt the into was too fast..your vocals came straight in and l wonder if a little guitar first before your vocals might be worth exploring..l just felt you came in to early.
The build up of guitar, vocals,drums at 1.28 secs to 1.34 secs was great
The pause/rest at 1.50secs was perfect but l felt at 2.40 secs needed more build up., say more higher build than was at 1.28-1.34 as.l was waiting for that..so perhaps in might be worth exploring say an imput of more guitar with the vocals as the quitar works really well. but not too much to drown out the good vocals.
Loved the guitar at 3 mins
the fadeout/outra...l felt was far too long ..it went on from 3.30sec to 4.15 sec which l felt was far too long for this track. l would have liked to hear perhaps the real big build up at 3mins to say 3.45sec or even 4min then a sudden drop of pace there to finish at 4.15 sec.
l really liked this track, and your voice is great..l would certainly be interested to hear it again if you do decide to explore on the arrangements.
with it.l really enjoyed listening to your work.
all the best.
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Yo Butch.
Just a quickie to say I loved the track,for the most part I found it elegant and tasteful.
Some of Sea's comments may have some validity for you,I agree especially on the fade out,but none of that is a deal breaker with regard to my enjoyment of the song.
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Hey Butch,
Great title for a track and (like your last one) you pack in loads of emotion into this while keeping it cool and classy.
I thought the lyrics were ace: I like the way you just position a series of evocative pictures, and leave it up to the listener to join up the dots between them to tell the story. The lines "all our kids toys, colours faded, in our hands" knocked me out - what a great way of expressing the passage of time (well that's what it meant to me anyway).
Like some of the other listeners the only bit I'm questioning is the outro - my instinct would be to go BIGGER after that preceding chorus. It certainly felt like you could go round again with that chorus. But maybe that would be cliched?
Top work my friend.
Pauly
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Hi Butch. This is very well constructed. Dreamy intro and first verse, rocked it up on the chorus. Well thought out dynamics, great melody and overall feel. I really like this
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Hello and thank you
@Sea
ok. good comments. I m doing a complete new version. I re - recorded everything (cause it was too messy) - a friend will play real drums to it and make a proper mix. i took on most of your advices in the new recording session.
hope it will be ready soon :)
TY for the close listen.
@Skub
thumbs up. thank you. :) :)
@PaulyX
Great title for a track and (like your last one) you pack in loads of emotion into this while keeping it cool and classy
wow.yeah, it s a thin line between "emotional" and "cheesy"....
I thought the lyrics were ace: I like the way you just position a series of evocative pictures, and leave it up to the listener to join up the dots between them to tell the story.
:) but it s more because i m so bad with english language. but yes; very pleased it worked for you. woohoo!
The lines "all our kids toys, colours faded, in our hands" knocked me out - what a great way of expressing the passage of time (well that's what it meant to me anyway).
:) yes; one of my few bright moments in terms of lyrics. ty
Like some of the other listeners the only bit I'm questioning is the outro - my instinct would be to go BIGGER after that preceding chorus. It certainly felt like you could go round again with that chorus. But maybe that would be cliched?
i m planing to change that in the newer version. i wanted the song to become bigger; but there was no space in the mix, cause i messed it up.
ty PaulyX for the great support
@pompeyjazz
Hi Butch. This is very well constructed. Dreamy intro and first verse, rocked it up on the chorus. Well thought out dynamics, great melody and overall feel. I really like this
Hi pompey. good, good. ty ty
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Hey Butch,
Great song, loved the build up in the pre-chorus and the poetic lyrics. The melody is beautiful (dreamy as said before) and I like the contrast in the chorus.
I actually like the long outro as it is (like slowly waking up ;)), but I do think the first verse is a bit too long before you go to the chorus...
Thanks for sharing!!
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Hi Butcher
Happy to see sth new from you!
Lovely song. I always love it when there is a stop, pause in a song to escape from the relentless tick track we get imprisoned by at times. Well, I do anyway.
Love your vocals and the lyrics are strong.
I thought the kick was a little aggressive before the raunchy part comes in and the snare a little weak in the second half. All down to taste I know but as skub says, doesn't detract from the quality of the songwriting here ;D
Paul
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I like the mellow stuff Butch...not as much as some of your stuff but it's nice all the same. Vocal is always good...lyrics and delivery good.
The punk/brit pop thing works ok too and is catchy and gripping...yeah maybe the drums didn't quite get there.
The two parts together don't work for me as well as they could do...i'm wondering about the transition between parts.
I hate to criticise when someone is trying to experiment with stuff...it's more than I ever do!
Just wonder if the song could bear more thinking about in terms of knitting it all together as a satisfying whole. Nothing wrong with the song as such just I didn't get the flow too well but that may be just me.
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Hey Butch.
Great track sir, particularly the vocals. I think you got the mix perfect on the vox, and the delivery is meaningful and honest sounding. I agree that the drums could do with a different approach, perhaps a more acoustic and roomy sound, a less crisp sound to match the airyness of the song. Great harmony work too, by the way.
Keep it up, look forward to hearing more! :D
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I thought this one was great...I loved the way the drums sort of crept in...vocals are brilliant and it kept me wondering where it was going next all the way through.
Daft as it might sound, but I think you could have had two great songs here instead of just one...I might have kept the two main parts separate and given them their own songs. That's how good the two parts are...they fit together really well here, though...and I hope that doesn't come across negatively at all...because it think it's a really excellent song.
Great work!
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A good song..works for me mate, the only crit i have is that the distorted guitar is a bit too, sort of.. crackly..but no biggie :) :)
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Hi Butcher,
I enjoyed this, there was an unpredictability and authenticity about it that I liked.
Production is a tricky thing for sure. I wouldn't really notice an issue here but I can hear that it doesn't quite have that full, phat sound that you seemed to be after.
As for the song itself though, nice work. There was a catchiness to it without it being too pop and losing its edge, which I suspect wouldn't be what you'd want.
The move into the outro caught me a bit off guard but I'd need to have another listen to decide whether that was just me or whether there's something that I think needs work.
For now though, well done.
Yodasdad
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I really enjoyed this one.
Reminds me of a guy I used to arrange for years ago.
Nice atmosphere. I could hear that on one of those TV dramas,set in the mid west.
Nice vocal, could do with a little more polish on the production.
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Slow burner that built up some momentum as it went on - Changes in pace seemed quite stark at times which left you wondering where is was going to end up - Great effort
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Hi,
Oh yes, indeedy. Give me more of this. Loved it right from the start as this is right up my street musically and lyrically. Your vocals are beautifully, gently delivered and the production is gorgeous. In a sane world this would be all over the radio.
The musical highlight of my day so far.
M
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Hello Everyone again and ty for your time and support; it means a lot to me;
@Mverboenk
I actually like the long outro as it is (like slowly waking up Wink), but I do think the first verse is a bit too long before you go to the chorus...
Thanks for sharing!!
TY and your welcome; still working on some arrangement stuff.
@Paulski
Happy to see sth new from you!
;D
Lovely song. I always love it when there is a stop, pause in a song to escape from the relentless tick track we get imprisoned by at times. Well, I do anyway
yes; i tried with dynamics; i ike it too.
I thought the kick was a little aggressive before the raunchy part comes in and the snare a little weak in the second half. All down to taste I know but as skub says, doesn't detract from the quality of the songwriting here Grin
still working on the mix. Tx a lot P.
@Cramer
I like the mellow stuff Butch...not as much as some of your stuff but it's nice all the same. Vocal is always good...lyrics and delivery good.
thank you
The two parts together don't work for me as well as they could do...i'm wondering about the transition between parts.
it s a challenge
I hate to criticise when someone is trying to experiment with stuff...it's more than I ever do!
don t worry; i criticise when artists repeat stuff :)
Just wonder if the song could bear more thinking about in terms of knitting it all together as a satisfying whole. Nothing wrong with the song as such just I didn't get the flow too well but that may be just me
.
Yes; there will be a live drum session tonight; i m curious...
Ty
@David Christy
Keep it up, look forward to hearing more! Cheesy
thank you. I have about 40 songs on SoundCloud; feel free to listen :)
@PaulAds
I thought this one was great
;)
Daft as it might sound, but I think you could have had two great songs here instead of just one
no; i get what you say, but....no :)
and I hope that doesn't come across negatively at all...because it think it's a really excellent song.
nono. all good. tx a lot my friend.
@shadowfax
A good song..works for me mate, the only crit i have is that the distorted guitar is a bit too, sort of.. crackly..but no biggie Smiley Smiley
ty; we will try different guitar amps.
@Yodasdad
I enjoyed this, there was an unpredictability and authenticity about it that I liked.
GREAT !
Production is a tricky thing for sure. I wouldn't really notice an issue here but I can hear that it doesn't quite have that full, phat sound that you seemed to be after.
yes
As for the song itself though, nice work. There was a catchiness to it without it being too pop and losing its edge, which I suspect wouldn't be what you'd want.
:)
@JoeAntaine
Nice vocal, could do with a little more polish on the production.
agree; ty
@Morefrog Jones
Slow burner that built up some momentum as it went on - Changes in pace seemed quite stark at times which left you wondering where is was going to end up - Great effort
thank you; yes; i wanted to make a song thats everything but not boring :)
@montydog
thank you too.
The musical highlight of my day so far.
oh; what a great compliment :)
Okay; so far so good; the whole thing is not finished and i ll be posting an update in the next week.
Thank you all for your attention.
B.
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nice work and good production ;D
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Hi, very recognisable as your style. Great vocals and I enjoyed the dynamics and arrangement/ instrumentation. A bit poppier than you usual 'dark' sound.
Good stuff!
Cheers
Jamie
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Rightly and Jamie; I thank you and sorry for the late reply.
After several weeks of intensive work (mostly by other people :)) we produced a new version of the song "porcelain".
The people i worked with are audio engineer students from Berlin; they played and recorded drums, bass and some other additional instruments; did mix and mastering.
I thank you all very much:
Drums: Jonas Riemer
Bass (Verse): Carl L. Wetzig
Piano, Strings, zusätzliche Gitarren, Produktion, Mix: Justus Wirth (altessockenfach)
Mastering: Jan Ohlhorst
Rest: The Butcher
https://soundcloud.com/inside-man-1/porcelain
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Hi,
Love the delicateness of the verses and their repeating melody, cleaver pre-chorus build and the chorus is catchy although I found the transition to the to the rhythm slightly odd at first, but once you're there its all good. Stylish backing and cool vocals and harmonies.
Quality as ever
:)
neil
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HI Butcher. This is a sophisticated song and well produced and balanced. Satisfying to listen to. It agree with Sea that the outro is a little long. If you tighten it up a bit and shave 30 seconds off, it would be a real winner for me.
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Hey hey
Loved the lyrics. The first half of this songs reminds me somewhat of Radiohead. The vocal is lovely and some nice harmonies in there. It's really chilled out....
..and then all of a sudden it picks up and the switch into it is seamless. It's a really great contrast. This section is my favourite. Really great rhythm to it and I like the hook.
I think this is a very well done track :)
Thanks
Darren
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Great Vibe - loads going on - Really enjoyed the listen.