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Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: adamfarr on July 25, 2017, 07:07:20 AM
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With my usual exquisite timing, just as the Summer Beach competition has finished, I write a surf song. Punky surf. With maybe a few The Cure references?
About 9,000 words shorter than last week's version that I thought was finished...
Not much hidden meaning here. But some "interesting" metaphors (Orphans aren't usually deceased? Ummm. Can I get away with that?). And I quite like the "it" to refer to an unspecified situation (not the fish, clearly, right?)
Anyhow, constructive and specific comments always welcome!
I'm the Guy
CH
I'm the guy
I'm the guy
I'm the fish that keeps on biting
I'm the guy who cries
When I should kiss it goodbye
V1
Walk away from the tree
Neglect's turned it brown
No amount of water
Is going to heal the that ground
V2
Step away from the grate
It's been smothered by lies
No amount of blowing
Will make the those embers revive
CH
V3
Run away from the door
Leave those orphaned keys
No amount of twisting
Will help now they're deceased
Shut out in the street
No amount of twisting
Can redeem those orphaned keys
M8
When the horse is dead
There's no use flogging it
When a heart's a stone
You won't get blood from it
I'm the guy who cries...
FINAL CH
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I'm glad I clicked on this.
I haven't much in the way of imagination when it comes to finding the right music
for Songs which have already been written, so in this case I'm left with reading verses as I would do poetry.
I wonder how others read My lyrics.
So this seems to be a song void of hope, taking stock of a situation.
There are some nuggets here, the most obvious for me would be "the orphaned keys". That's delicious.
I also like "the fish that keeps biting", because I'm a lot like that, myself.
I often fall in love, it's rare that my feelings are reciprocated, n this leads to pointless suffering.
I think there's a little too much transparency here, I like to give my audience something to work on, but that's just me. Paul Canuck, in particular, has sometimes thrown me back to the drawing board n shown me there are other ways.
I'd like to see the other, longer version, maybe you made the wrong sacrifices.
I always like to hear your finished works.
Take your time, finish it n let's hear it.
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Hi Adam
This is really good IMHCO ;D
I like all the "I" rhymes in the chorus, and yet no perfect rhymes to trivialize it.
I have a few suggs - keep or chuck in the bin:
I wanted it to read "that tree", "that grate", "that door" for some reason. Maybe it evokes more immediate imagery IDK.
The "deceased" line didn't work for me. Seems like you struggled to find a near rhyme for "keys". Maybe the keys have "broken free" or sth would make more sense? maybe not ;D
Can almost hear this one sing from the page "I'm the guy!" Yes indeed!
Paul
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Thanks guys - Rightly, glad you could find some nuggets; it's true that it's fairly straight and not much mystery - I'll have a think though for the surf style I had in mind maybe it's how it needs to be...
Paulski - yes, the deceased keys need to go... I may try the switcharoo to get the orphaned key into the last line and ... something else into line 2...
Thanks for the input!
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Thanks guys - Rightly, glad you could find some nuggets; it's true that it's fairly straight and not much mystery - I'll have a think though for the surf style I had in mind maybe it's how it needs to be...
I messed with it
(I had a pointless day off, lol)
and scribbled these here lines:
Potential was squandered
Neglect has turned it brown
No amount of water
did ever touch the ground
walk away from that door
and leave those orphaned keys
for all of your spent splendour
you never once found relief
____________________________
I know I might be straying too much from the original theme.
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Hi Rightly - thanks for getting stuck in! Your style is a bit different - but some good for thought there - and I haven't solved the puzzle yet so possibly going down a different track will do it...
Many thanks and I will ponder over the next days!
P.S. what is this "day off" thing if which you speak?!
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Some really great stuff in here Adam...the makings of a fine song, I'm sure
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Hi Adam,
Good write, as usual. "Orphaned keys" is a killer, and definitely deserves a better rhyme to do it justice. Been trying to come up with a suggestion or two myself, but i'm at a loss. I'm sure you'll find an answer. Love the M8 also, don't rest on your laurels.
Vintage54
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Thanks everyone for the encouragement and suggestions - I did a version 2 above - I don't 100% love it but it's enough to take to the studio I think.
For fun, some of the lines that didn't make it in:
I'm the guy caring for flowers that have already died
I'm the guy using damp matches trying to light the fire
I'm the guy with nineteen dog bites...