I'm not sure about this. The melody is very repetitious and does not vary much in pattern or range...almost, but not quite, like a chant. A chant can be mesmerizing and is good for encouraging reflection.
- Does the melody have the ability to draw you in, & make you feel something?
Yes. I especially like the use of near rhymes to create some instability.
- Do the lyrics have potential to get in your head, make you think about yourself & your own life?
I like the contrasts in the guitar playing styles from section to section. For me it definitely works.
- Does it flow from section to section in a way that works? If not, any advice to fix the transitioning points?
Possible weak spots: I remember that afternoon in December Why December? Is the afternoon in December specifically important to the song? It doesn't work for me, as the rest of the song seems to be a description of (1) how you used to be, (2) how you are now and (3) how you plan/expect to get back to the more desirable way you used to be. It feels more expansive than any specific afternoon in December.
- What are the weakest points, what does it need to boost it up, make it better, especially musically?
I think it still needs some work but I definitely think it has potential. I think you should keep working on it. I never put this much time into a review if I don't think the song is any good. It isn't the kind of song I would expect to hear on the radio but that isn't bad. It just means it might not have main stream appeal. For instance, your title only occurs one time in the song, and it is not the hook. And, in fact, your song doesn't have a hook. Popular songs nearly always have hooks. The song isn't really about the rainbow and the dove, so maybe something else would be more suitable for the title. Consider what your song is about, really, and think about what title would reflect that. Or add a catchy chorus with a hook and use that for the title. On the other hand, popular songs don't always have hooks, or even choruses. Leonard Cohen's "Suzanne" is a good example. It does have a strong structure, though. What do you see as the structure of your song? Is it Verse 1, Verse 2, Verse 3, etc? Does it have a chorus? A bridge? Are the verses parallel to each other? And does any chorus or bridge provide a contrast in rhythm and or melody? Food for thought. ;D
- What is your opinion overall, is it's any good or not
Beautifully said in the lyrics.
The timing between the vocal and the instrumental is very unusual. That's either a good thing, or a bad thing, and I have to listen several more times before I have an opinion on which it is.
I did notice that your "flow" and the connection between the vocal and the instrumental improves as you get into the song. That is not uncommon. The way I overcome that is to perform the song twice when I'm recording, and to only record the second time through. That way, I'm vocally "in the flow" and don't have to get my bearings.
I'm pretty sure by now (your song has ended, and I'm still typing) that the unusual timing that I heard is a good thing. It was less unusual by the time the song ended, and by the end of the song, it was unusual in a good way that made the song unique.
You have marvelous songwriting instincts in my opinion.
I'm not sure about this. The melody is very repetitious and does not vary much in pattern or range...almost, but not quite, like a chant. A chant can be mesmerizing and is good for encouraging reflection.
- Does the melody have the ability to draw you in, & make you feel something?
QuoteYes. I especially like the use of near rhymes to create some instability.
- Do the lyrics have potential to get in your head, make you think about yourself & your own life?
QuoteI like the contrasts in the guitar playing styles from section to section. For me it definitely works.
- Does it flow from section to section in a way that works? If not, any advice to fix the transitioning points?
QuotePossible weak spots: I remember that afternoon in December Why December? Is the afternoon in December specifically important to the song? It doesn't work for me, as the rest of the song seems to be a description of (1) how you used to be, (2) how you are now and (3) how you plan/expect to get back to the more desirable way you used to be. It feels more expansive than any specific afternoon in December.
- What are the weakest points, what does it need to boost it up, make it better, especially musically?
but one day I looked up above. I have an automatic bias against the phrase "up above" (or "on high"). They're just too cliché for me. Of course, I'm guilty of using them myself, so I can't say much! :P But I'm sure there's a better way to get this point across. To stick with the rainbow and dove image, you might try something like, "Then suddenly one day I saw / A rainbow promise and a dove". Still too cliché sounding for me, but a little better. You can probably do far better with a little thought.
by this fog I am defined. I always try to keep the flow of phrases natural. I would never say to to someone "By this fog I am defined." I would say, "I am defined by this fog." Unnatural turns of phrases, in my opinion, weaken the line. This would be a deeper rewrite, but it's possible. For instance, something like this might work: "I am defined by the haze / But I will run / Back to my life of brighter days / I'll find the sun."
in my eyes hope will shine bright. Same problem as the fog line above. One would say "Hope will shine bright in my eyes" in real life. One way to re-arrange the first two lines of that verse might be "Imagine me beneath sunny skies / Hope shining brightly in my eyes".
a moment to always remember. This entire verse, actually, is probably (in my opinion) the weakest in your whole piece and would probably benefit from more thought. This line, by itself feels wrong for me for two reasons. First, it has the phrase "to always remember", which should be "always to remember" or "to remember always" to be grammatically correct (I'm obsessive about grammar and believe "bad" grammar should only be used to achieve a specific purpose, not because you've given up trying to think of a better way to say what you want). Second, it says "a moment" which, like the reference to December, suddenly narrows down what otherwise appears to be a broad reference to a much longer period of time than a moment. Unless you're trying to say something like "all of life is but a moment", in which case that should be more clear in the rest of the lyric. So what could you say here to make it stronger? Hmm...if we continue from the "Imagine me" part, maybe "Inspired by possibilities / Delighting my sensibilities". Or "Ignoring negativity" (for last line). I didn't spend much time on this. With some reflection, and referring to a rhyming dictionary, I'm sure there are many strong possibilities for this verse.QuoteI think it still needs some work but I definitely think it has potential. I think you should keep working on it. I never put this much time into a review if I don't think the song is any good. It isn't the kind of song I would expect to hear on the radio but that isn't bad. It just means it might not have main stream appeal. For instance, your title only occurs one time in the song, and it is not the hook. And, in fact, your song doesn't have a hook. Popular songs nearly always have hooks. The song isn't really about the rainbow and the dove, so maybe something else would be more suitable for the title. Consider what your song is about, really, and think about what title would reflect that. Or add a catchy chorus with a hook and use that for the title. On the other hand, popular songs don't always have hooks, or even choruses. Leonard Cohen's "Suzanne" is a good example. It does have a strong structure, though. What do you see as the structure of your song? Is it Verse 1, Verse 2, Verse 3, etc? Does it have a chorus? A bridge? Are the verses parallel to each other? And does any chorus or bridge provide a contrast in rhythm and or melody? Food for thought. ;D
- What is your opinion overall, is it's any good or not
If I were writing this song, I would approach the whole thing differently, but that's strictly a personal preference thing. I reviewed it the way you wrote it, and I think the way you wrote it works. Feel free to disagree with anything I wrote. I am very thick-skinned (if you review any of my songs, please be brutally honest, if the song warrants it). If you like any of my ideas, you are totally free to use them or anything similar.
I hope this has been helpful.
Vicki[/list]
Vicky: Here is an educated guess about why "December."
In the Northern Hemisphere, December is not associated with the sun in your face. It's winter.
BUT. . . in the Southern Hemisphere, July 21 is the first day of winter, and December 21, is the first day of summer. It makes sense if this song is "southern hemisphere" centric. December (in the southern Hemisphere is as associated with summer sun as June is in the Northern Hemisphere.
Especially true, if the area where this is written is relatively close to the equator.
Most important to me is that you have reasons for your choices. I especially agree with how we remember things as points in time rather than in blocks of time.
I don't mind at all when people don't agree with me. For me it's all about making deliberate choices rather than just grabbing words without much thought. Sounds to me like you've made deliberate choices.
Oh, and about the melody being "boring". I compared it to Leonard Cohen's "Suzanne". A very popular piece in the sixties. That type of melody stands in the shadows and lets the lyric shine. So, boring? Maybe, maybe not. But it isn't competing with the lyric for the spotlight.
I really like your lyrics and very thought - provoking. I only felt that perhaps they went on for too long but will come back and read again when I can. You wrote them as you felt them initially and sometimes it is not good to change from that and you will always think of your first words. :-) (from my own experience of changing words later. Sometimes, though, I have been glad I went back and altered small things from my original but other times, wanted to keep them the same.) Think carefully yourself before changing anything and be sure of what you wanted from your lyric.
Best Wishes
Marrianna :)
Does that make any sense? :D
Does that make any sense? :D
It makes perfect sense.
Let me add something that doesn't "make sense" but is true nonetheless. This is something I learned over time. When you write the song, it takes on a certain meaning in your mind. Your goal is to communicate the "feeling" and maybe some of the details of that meaning.
BUT. . . when 100 people listen to your song, each will create in his/her own mind a meaning that is "in tune with" his/her experiences, not yours.
Took me a long time to understand that the meanings that come into their minds as they listen are just as real, just as important, and just as right as the meanings that came into my mind as I wrote it.
So what's my point? Just this. Never be disappointed when someone "hears" something different in your song than you intended. THAT'S THE GOAL when you think about it. You make them feel enough so that they get personally involved in your music and lyric and CREATE A STORY from their own life.
That is the magic of songwriting. The most flattering thing in my songwriting career came when someone was visiting my roommate while I was writing a song. I had the lyric written, and was fitting it to some existing instrumentation.
When he heard the lyric, he asked if he could see it. He read it and got really excited. "THAT'S MY FREAKNG LIFE," he said.
And then he talked a little about his life and it was nothing like what I intended in the song. But still, to create that kind of identification and excitement with a lyric.
Anyway, I've rambled on long enough. I've appreciated how you participate here, and just wanted to pass that little bit of hard earned perspective on.