The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Jenna on June 15, 2017, 09:43:51 PM
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https://soundcloud.com/lollypop-guild/redneck-pension-a-yodasdad-and-jenna-collaboration/s-8P7jd (https://soundcloud.com/lollypop-guild/redneck-pension-a-yodasdad-and-jenna-collaboration/s-8P7jd)
We got it in before the deadline! Thanks again for your work on this, M. Your time and talent are much appreciated and working with you on this was a pleasure. ;)
Please let us know what you think.
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No probs, pleasure.
Someone is likely to lynch you round here though if you don't post the lyrics ;D
Well maybe not an actual lynching. I think those few days I've just spent in the Deep South have got to me.
Yodasdad
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LOL! I do have a tendency for those small oversights, don't I? Seeing as how I would like to keep my head attached to my body, I shall comply without due haste:
V1
Got a spot of land,
Fishing lake
More bass and crappies than I can take
V2
Case of beer
Fishing gear
Honey, get this tick off of my ear
C1
That's how I'm living
On my redneck pension
I got all I need here
I don't fear no recessions
My own apple pie dream
Far off the mainstream
Living high on wild hogs
On my redneck pension
V3
Hunting grounds,
Ammo rounds,
White tail, rabbits,
with four coonhounds
Chorus 2
That's how I'm living
On my redneck pension
I got all I need here
I don't fear no recessions
My own apple pie dream
Far off the mainstream
Living high on wild hogs
On my redneck pension
Bridge
(Uncle Sam can kiss my ash,
if he finds my hidden sour mash) <- Is this closer to a proper middle 8?
Bought my land in cold, hard cash
During that there economic crash
Bankers turned my investments into trash
And their foreclosures burned my stash
I had to work under the table
To keep my family stable
Rich man loopholes aid the scam
Hiding it from Uncle Sam
That's right!
C.3
Now I'm living the dream
on my redneck pension
I had to beg, borrow, steal
To own this possession
My own apple pie dream
far off the mainstream,
I'm living free and easy
On my redneck pension
Outro
On my redneck pension
My lifelong obsession
My last confession.
Ya'll come back now. Ya hear?
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This is just superb guys... I love it. I'm putting my hat back on just so i can take it off to you.
Fun lyrics, lots of country touches to put it firmly in the genre but without getting cliched, and YD's ever excellent vocals... a winning combination. Yee haa!
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Hi
I enjoy most genres of music including country and this has certainly got what it takes the lyrics are fun and well crafted and the music and vocal content complements this You've both done very well here a very nice song.
Good luck with this.
Royston
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Love the lyrics! Always like a sense of humour. :) The song itself is a real foot stomper - must admit country's not usually my thing (perhaps when mixed with a bit of techno a la Alabama 3), but as this is satirising it, it makes it all the more listenable. :D
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As this was my first go around this rodeo, it was truly exciting to hear Yodasdad give the lyrics life. I posted it on my website at SongU, pitched it to a major country artist, and it had 85 listens tallied within three hours. I'm not sure who all of those people were (or maybe just a few listening multiple times) but it took me by surprise.
Thank you for the well wishes and kind words. Hearing them from this group makes it all the more encouraging.
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Yo YD and Jenna
It's a mighty fine song and the overall sound is great,very professional sounding.
I like the dry humour in the lyrical content,a welcome relief from some of the maudlin guff so often perpetrated by the new country gang.
One to be proud of. :)
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Hi;
Very nice song - the lyrics really make me picture the scenery. classic pop rock melodies.
it has a good groove; i like the drum section.
kudos
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Excellent collab guys.
I have always envied and admired the ability to write music
around lyrics. With me it's always music first, then look for
lyrics to suit ::) So. hats off to Yoda ;D Lovin the gtr, especially
the slidey stuff in the background....inspired ;D
Great lyrics Jenna ;D Perfect country........
Nice to see you getting 'stuck in' with the forum, and good luck
with pitching this one.
Loved it guys....more please ;D
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The Yoda hit machine keeps on giving! Great collaboration both. I love the lyrics to this one. Is it just me, or are the lyrics really thought provoking and uplifting. I wish I was a redneck after listening to this! Maybe I can be one day!!!!
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I thought the song was beautifully constructed & I do love lyrics like this with short snappy lines & rhymes..
The melody was instantly memorable, like I already knew it & knew where it was going..
I dont know what a redneck pension is, or a lot of the lyrics but it all sounds quite exciting running around drinking beer & shooting things :)
but then the bridge seemed to get serious & political & seemed a bit at odds with the rest?
Good luck with it...but will Nashville listen to a English accent tho? I thought you had to have the exaggerated Wild West accent & cowboy acessories to get in?
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Weeell howdy doody folks,
Thaaanks for the comments y'all, appreciayted muuuchly.
Tina, waddayu meeen English aaahceynt. Aah wus born aaan raaiyesd down bar the bayou! Arm gowna gittu for thayt.
erhemm.
Actually that's a very good point. I'd thought that myself and nearly didn't attempt the song at all for fear of not being able to pull off country in an authentic enough manner. With the very tight deadline that Jenna wanted to meet though, there wasn't really the choice of another singer.
If anyone round here thinks they could add some authenticity with a Southern accent, I'd be interested in hearing from you.
Yodasdad
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@Binladeda - Thank you. I'm glad to have found you here and hoping I'm not too chatty for you all and wearing out my welcome. :o
@Mickey - This one gave me a laugh, the idea that we're inspiring future rednecks.
@Tina - Good point on the bridge section. Do you think we ought to remove the term bankers and change it up a little - like "my investments turned to trash, bank foreclosures burned my stash"? As for the rest of the middle, the whole section will resonate with the intended audience in the political sense. In the rural areas where country music is most popular, they're more anti-tax and anti-government than the rest of the nation. I could go into more detail but am not sure anyone would be interested in hearing our internal politics here.
I barely heard an English accent in the recording. It showed up only in a couple of spots and to my ears, it came through as if he might be someone from the New England region of the states - New York, Boston, etc. That and one of our biggest country stars is an Aussie. Nobody seems to mind at all. Cowboys boots, on the other hand, are a requirement, and a rebel flag, hunting rifle, straw hat, pickup truck and hound dog.
Well, YD, if you'd like, I can rework the middle since I'm feeling froggy and ready to git 'er done. ;)
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Jenna,
What about somethin a bit more Like this then for the bridge?
Might work better for HW too.
I don't need bankers, got my stash
I earned each dollar, made it last
I had to work under the table
But kept my family stable
Rich men steal from Uncle Sam
But what I've got makes me the wealthy man
Yodasdad
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Oooh. I like it! That would appeal even more.
For Tina, redneck pension is a metaphor to show how this person plans to survive in old age without his financial investments.
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Excellent vocals and production - very professional sounding :)
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Thanks for listening Morefrog, appreciate your feedback.
Jenna, (and anyone else who wants to comment)
I think this actually flows better, but will it work without the uncle??
Let the rich men steal from Sam
What I've got makes me the wealthy man
Yodasdad
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Right. It needs the Uncle for it to make sense to the listeners. Is it so political that a producer would overlook it for that reason? Just curious. Americans are moving toward being more politically involved on the social scene, which is a good thing, imho, because without taking that on we're doing a disservice to the rest of the world by not keeping the leadership in check. Trust me on that.
The bridge isn't making a political statement one way or the other as much as it is showing how this man managed to acquire his property in the face of extreme adversity. It's a riches to rags to riches again storyline. But if everyone overwhelmingly feels that part should be left out, then I don't have any problem digging in and reworking it. I just think it's a message that would be really popular over here, as nearly the entire population is aware of and in agreement on what caused the collapse, creating the very opportunity to own large tracts of land like this man was able to acquire in that moment for cash. It was a rare opportunity for your average person, and the storyline of coming out on top after that and sticking it to the government in the process, they're going to gobble up like a frog leg barbecue on a summer Sunday after church in Loosiana.
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Hmm, It might be worth moving this dicussion over to lyrics, so as not to hijack and dominate our own feedback thread.
For now...
I don't think being political is a problem and as you say, it's at the fore of a lot of peoples mind, here too.
I think what Tina originally meant, and how I understand it is that the bridge is political but there isn't a hint of it anywhere else in the song.
So, it kind of comes out of leftfield but as it's only a bridge section, there isn't time for it to develop. It kind of alters the mood of the song. It's very carefree and then suddenly...not.
This redneck's not got a care in the world, no worries, not bothered or affected by the outside world but then...oh...hang on a minute...where did that come from...no...wait...he's happy again.
I think it might work better if it hint's at the politics, but still remains care free and shows that he's on top of things and content.
Then again, as I've said many times, I could be missing the point completely.
Yodasdad
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For Tina, redneck pension is a metaphor to show how this person plans to survive in old age without his financial investments.
oh now I understand it! & the bridge makes complete sense.. silly me!
you dont need to change it now! ;D
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`I see what you're saying about it coming out of left field. My understanding was the bridge is used as an opportunity to go into more detail and explain the story further, and so that's why I chose the theme of how he acquired his property by working under the table for cash and using loopholes for the wealthy to hide his property purchase from the government, then that this all came about as a result of the bankers crashing the system. It all seemed to work together, gives a full storyline, gives the listeners a sense of the little guy coming out ahead for a change, thumbing his nose at the bankers and the government and knowing that he's set for life on his land. This is why I worded the chorus that followed the bridge "Now I'm living the dream on my redneck pension," because even though he went through devastating loss with his retirement savings evaporating, he was able to come out ahead in the end (at least in his mind - he did retire to the only state in the country with a socialized health system, but I didn't want to go into that much detail).
I don't mind having this discussion here if you don't. Feedback and discussion are good. I'm happy that we're having it. It helps me see things from other perspectives and where I might be able to change/improve on them.
I do like your suggestion for the bridge, but I still want to give the impression that he's thumbing his nose and coming out on top as it adds to the sugar at the end after the lemons.
Might work better for HW too. (<- I'm not sure what HW stands for).
I don't need bankers, got my stash
I earned each dollar, made it last
I had to work under the table
But it kept my family stable
No need for dole from Uncle Sam
I've got what makes me the wealthy man
-> What I've written here playing off of YD's changes does strike a political message that I think will be really popular among the demographic of listeners, but it's not necessarily one I'd be fond of spreading. It's more of the "kick down, kiss up" message and we have too much of that already on the news everyday. I more so enjoyed the irony or blind hypocrisy of the original with the outro where he claimed he wasn't going to bend to their conventions, but without realizing he'd already done it by cheating the government in the same way the wealthy do. Wry humor. Poke-in-the-nose by an invisible finger.
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Sorry I was in a hurry & didnt read Yodas post
Hes absolutely right, I thought it was a 'feel good' song & then suddenly you get hit by this political bit & it felt a bit strange...BUT ...I didnt understand what the redneck pension was.. & I do now!
I dont know anything about American politics so whatever spin you want to put on it is of course up to you :)
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Alrighty, I may have this worked out, I hope. Possibly? How does this sound?
V1
Got a spot of land,
Fishing lake
More bass and crappies than I can take
V2
Case of beer
Fishing gear
Honey, get this tick off of my ear
C1
That's how I'm living
On my redneck pension
I got all I need here
I don't fear no recessions
My own apple pie dream
Far off the mainstream
Living high on wild hogs
On my redneck pension
Bridge
Uncle Sam and kiss my ash if
he finds my hidden sour mash
But he'll never find my stash
Of greenbacks under the trash <- is this better?
V3
Hunting grounds,
Ammo rounds,
White tail, rabbits,
with four coonhounds
V4
Bought my land
In cold hard cash
During that their economic crash
C.3
That's how I'm living
on my redneck pension
I had to beg, borrow, steal
To own this possession
My own apple pie dream
far off the mainstream,
I'm living free and easy
On my redneck pension
Outro
On my redneck pension
My lifelong obsession
My last confession. <- I'm thinking of substituting something else here in place of confession, too. "My new profession" or "It's so refreshing."
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Okay,
I don't think the bridge needs such a radical overhaul as the last one posted. That one is lyrically and rhythmically very different and would lead to a complete new melody as as well. It also seems more angry and confrontational.
One option is to leave the original bridge exactly as it is. You know the country genre and music scene over there much better than i do, and probably Tina as well (who also agrees that the bridge works now)
The other option is to leave it almost as it is but to make it resolve a little more and tie back into the story and the following chorus.
I think the original bridge is good but it makes some statements that the character clearly isn't happy about, but doesn't then explain why he is now so happy with his current situation? It's like he starts to tell this story, ends with how the rich are ripping off the country and then runs out of time before he explains how it turned out okay or why he's so happy despite this.
Making the bridge longer to further the story isn't an option as its already on the long side.
I think the following would tie it up though
Bankers turned my investments into trash
And their foreclosures burned my stash
I had to work under the table
To keep my family stable
Rich men steal (take?) from Uncle Sam
But what I've got makes me the wealthy man -OR- but they ain't got what makes a wealthy man
I think this ties it up, shows that despite what he knows and what he's gone through, he's happy with his lot and feels that his redneck lifestyle is the true prize.
Anyway, I'm just the music man. If you want me to shut up and just put music to whatever lyrics you want, or you prefer your ideas, just say.
Yodasdad
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Hmm. Okay. I think I understand where this is coming from. The statements in the bridge may sound confusing and like they're going a different direction, but in truth, they're a simple fact of life over here for the majority. They're going to hit home and communicate his triumph over adversity, a message that's always well-received. The fact that he stuck it to the government in the process is the icing on the cake.
It's fitting the mood of the people in the country at the moment, the anger over the bailout for bankers at the expense of those who could afford it least. We're all still languishing financially from it ten years later. The damage done to our personal wealth was not recoverable in our lifetimes, yet the wealthy made out like bandits and increased their share exponentially. Our wages have stagnated in this country for nearly 40 years, and the crash robbed us of property value increases. For example, our home is worth less now than it was in 1999 when it should have doubled in value by now. Most were under water on their mortgages, meaning they owed more than their homes were worth. It made our homes and property a lost investment.
This man found a way to turn that situation to his advantage and set himself up for life without a mortgage. That's what he's celebrating. It's a big FU to the bankers and corporate-loving government.
So when I wrote the chorus that followed the bridge, I worded it "Now I'm living the dream . . . " to show that he profited by letting his morals go in that moment and overcame by using the loopholes in the tax and property laws used by the wealthy to hide their money/property/profits. He turned the tables.
The comment that we saw from the man in Texas communicates clearly how this message is going to be received by the intended listeners. Internally, the US is a spark away from widespread civil unrest. The rage against the government and corporate collusion is palpable. Our election system has been fixed to the degree that we have no control over who gets elected - many people don't even realize this yet, but when certain factions do I don't want to be here to see what happens after that. If ever there were a time to bail out of this country it would be now while the getting is still good. But that's enough of that. I just needed to show you where we are politically and financially to explain the lyrics.
A lot of songwriting is psychology and using it to manipulate feelings. With this story, I'm hoping to tap into that anger and give the listeners joy enhanced with some sense of underhanded, vigilante revenge. The victim became a victor and will celebrate that the rest of his life by moving outside of the mainstream economy. He's gone rogue. He's no longer a captive of the whims of Wall Street. He's living the dream of every working wage slave, literally. He has peace, rest and recreation, a perpetual vacation. Living off of the land, he has everything he needs. He can't be touched by outside economic forces and doesn't need to bend to the consumer economy market conventions for his survival.
So I guess that I lean in favor of keeping the original bridge if you're so willing. For me, it adds just the right information to make it personal for the listeners here in the US. They're going to gobble that up like starving pigs at an overflowing trough of slop. Yee haw!
Now, after writing that novel, I'm going to edit in another option that might flow better and sound more positive, just so you think I'm the most wishy-washy being on the planet:
When my investments burned like trash
I got forced from the working-class
Dug up my greenback stash and
Bought this lake with largemouth bass
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Hi Jenna/Yoda,
Great job all round.
Like Bin, I admire someone who can take lyrics and bring them to life - I tend towards the opposite also.
I like how the lyrics paint a picture without being too "story telling." I think the theme relates to feeling over here also.
The vocal sounds fine to me - much prefer it to that usual country twang (which usually puts me off listening to country style music).
Quality playing and production.
Digger
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Hi!
First I'd like to say that I find this whole collaboration thing inspiring!
Your song has a lot going on at the same time in the background. Melody
lines, percussion, rhythm guitar... To me it's a bit crowded. But I'm a minimalist.
The vocals are in no fashion middle of the road when it comes to country music and
to me that's good but it also takes it a big step away from the genre.
Martin
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Hi
A really catchy number, well produced and performed.
Great stuff.
James
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Thanks you 3.
Martin, I know what you mean but I was going for the modern country feel which seems to be in the same vein, plus I tend not to be a minimalist when it comes to my production, I can't help it.
Jenna,
Yes, the crash hit the uk hard too, the feeling over here is much the same from many.
Why not just leave them as they are for now then?
We can always change them at a later date if further feedback warrants it.
Yodasdad
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Melodic, entertaining, and definitely a different take on today's life and times. It might be a stretch for everyone to take the time to "get" the concept and so the middle 8 part could be quite important context.
I guess it's not universal (I have no idea what crappies are!) but I also guess it's not supposed to be. Anyhow, great job by Yodasdad with finding a melody to complement the lyrics.
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Thanks to all who have taken the time to listen, comment and read this far. It turns out we didn't make the final selections for Alan Jackson, so that gives us time to work on the weaknesses and make it a more competitive song for the next opportunity.
Possible reasons given were:
1. It wasn't right for the artist - I thought he would be a great choice for this one.
2. It was good but didn't beat what they already had. The song may need lyrical or musical improvement.
It is possible the guest didn't like the mention of illegal activities - which again points to the bridge
section. I'll look more closely at the format and work on making it more commercial.
3. Demo/recording not competitive. - So far so good except we don't have the drawl.
4. The guest didn't like/connect with it. - Then we need to try another guest/artist/opportunity or sell it ourselves if all of the guests are out-of-touch with the lives of their Joe-six-pack listeners. That possibility does exist and could be why so many people can't connect with today's pop music.
In the meantime, it's garnered a lot of positive feedback in several settings, and I think it's something that could be sold as is if we choose to go that route. I do wonder if for Nashville artists they want to hear a demo with the southern drawl. It is a current fad in country music for the singer to emphasize a Southern accent, but that's not always been the case.
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I guess it's not universal (I have no idea what crappies are!)
Crappies (pronounced craw'-peez) are delicious! They are fish.
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Late to the party but nevertheless...
Nice production and nice vocals.
Correction, both are fab!
And the song is not half bad either.
Aha, some nice guitars in the second verse.
Guess I could go on and on but there is so much to like here and I can honestly not come up with anything to critizie.
Respect!
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OK, fish, not crabs!
Thanks!
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Very cool guys. I love the lyrics and nice playing as always by Yodas pops. It's a great song!!
However...
Regarding the singing, I'm just gonna be honest and say that I don't think u need the processing that you put on your vocals here mate (I'm talking about the pitching tools u use) obviously reverb,EQ and compression are fine, but on THIS track the auto tune gives the vocal an ever so slight wavey/unnatural sound. Which I don't think is ideal for this genre. (It may not be auto tune, but when I've tried to use it in the past my vocals sounded similar.)
Listen it's by no means a deal breaker, the melody is awesome. It sounds fine enough, but you are a very gifted producer and so I'm holding you to a higher standard mate! Sorry, but it's your own fault! ;D My rather rambling point is that I reckon you could sing this ten times and comp together a wonderful natural take without the wizardry.
I hope u take that in the spirit that it's intended mate. I hope u know I don't mean any offence.
The only other thing I picked up on that might just be my ears, is in the FIRST chorus, I think one of the jangly guitars is slightly off time...like I said I can't be sure, but something is making it sound just a little too busy, if u get my meaning.
Anyway I hope this is of some use to you going forward guys.
Best of luck with it!
Leo :)
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Great collaboration guys. Fresh and modern. Sounds more like UK population than anything across the Atlantic to me. A lovely song which should be at the top of the charts east and west Atlantic :)
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Jambrains, Leo, Jazz, thank you so much for your comments, both compliments, and criticisms. It shows me that I need to go back and listen to the parts that make up the whole rather than just enjoying the whole. I can critically analyze written material (most often the fact-based kind) to where I can poke holes in most arguments or claims put forward by any authors intending to deceive or mislead the reader, but when it comes to critically analyzing music I'm not nearly as skilled. In time . . . But until that day comes, it's nice to hear how others perceive the bits and pieces that make up the whole.
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Not my usual style, but I enjoyed this quite a bit. I don't have any suggestions; I like it as is. ;D
Vicki
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Not my usual style, but I enjoyed this quite a bit. I don't have any suggestions; I like it as is. ;D
Vicki
Happy to hear, Vicki! <3 Thank you!
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Excellent. Thoroughly enjoyed this. Great lyrics, playing, singing, and really nicely presented. Reminds me why I keep coming back to this site.
On my commute I generally give the radio a chance for 15 minutes or so before giving up in disgust and popping in a CD. If songs like this were on the wireless I wouldn't need my CDs.
Derek
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This is very well done...the lyrics are really great and Michael has done a fantastic job with the music too...i'm guessing that it fits very neatly into the modern country-style thing that i must immediately confess to having virtually no idea about, but there seems to be a recurring slightly self-deprecating gentle humour about the genre these days that's quite appealing and certainly gives songs like this an extra dimension.
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Hey
So first thing that struck me with this track is Yodasdad's vocal. After listening to quite a few tracks here now some peoples voices are becoming so familiar and I almost burst with excitement when I hear them!! :p
The lyrics are simple but very well constructed and light and humorous. The track is nice and upbeat with great vocals and guitars and I love the drop into the chorus. Great tune both. Well done :)
Darren