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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: Darren1664 on June 07, 2017, 09:09:52 PM
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Hey all
So I decided to write and record another track. I am slowly getting better with my recording but it is very slow progress - better than standing still of course.
This song is about things we do in life that we know are bad for us, we think one day we'll change but we just keep doing them anyway. The track is here https://soundcloud.com/user-41129754/man-reborn
I had fun with the vocal. Did an awful attempt at double tracking vocals but I've tried and tried to get a better sound but no...
Here's the lyrics
I ride a boat to the fires of hell
Let my shame draw from the well
of my soul
of my soul
a full cup
an empty hole
and I often think, in quieter times, if I don't sink too low that I might rise above these flames a man reborn but no...
Onwards I row
Darker and darker my mind will go
Let blindly by a desire to know
Just how far
Just how far
I can go
I can row
and I often think, in quieter times, if I don't sink too low that I might rise above these flames a man reborn but no...
Onwards I row
I've grown attached to the boat I ride
Consequences I've learned to hide
from myself
from those that know me best
and If I cared enough
Then I'd seek help from above
I'd reach out with both hands
and let you guide me back to land
but I often think, in quieter times, if I didn't sink too low that I might rise above these flames a man reborn but no...
Onwards I row
All thoughts and comments welcome
Thanks
Darren
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Just a quick update to say that I've decided to take the track down. I had time to listen and review my own track after a break from it and some things were just so obviously wrong with this that I'm going back to the drawing board.
I like the idea of the song, I just think I got lazy in the putting it all together. The arrangement was not really where I wanted it to be and the vocals were very poorly recorded.
Although I have left the lyrics up I think it'd be best if a moderator could delete my thread when they have a chance. Sorry for the nuisance and hope to be posting again soon :)
Thanks
Darren
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Oh no! I was too slow! I hope you get this back up soon. I love the lyric.
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Oh no! I was too slow! I hope you get this back up soon. I love the lyric.
Thanks vicki :) I haven't had much time for anything much recently but have decided to go back to my original recording of this for my WiP. Made changes I wasn't too happy with so taking it back a step :) anyway....I have updated the link and a rough version is now there. As always any comments welcome....I need to get listening to some of your tracks! I will make some time tonight....although got some packing for a walk up Snowdon followed by GnR in London Saturday....busy weekend ahead!
All the best all :)
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I love the lyrics.
It's probably a music taste sort of thing, but I imagined it sounding different. This sounded (musically and the melody) like you didn't care that much even though the lyrics would suggest you headed in a less apathetic direction. After listening it didn't leave a thought it my head like the lyrics led me to believe it would.
Good job on the lyrics though :D
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Hey dude,
I dig it to be fair, been listening to it as a finished piece. Think I prefer it to your last too, which is something.
Not sure exactly why, but always reminds me of The Brighton Port Authority. Laid back feel-good vibe.
Cheers,
Scott
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I love the lyrics.
It's probably a music taste sort of thing, but I imagined it sounding different. This sounded (musically and the melody) like you didn't care that much even though the lyrics would suggest you headed in a less apathetic direction. After listening it didn't leave a thought it my head like the lyrics led me to believe it would.
Good job on the lyrics though :D
Thanks for your comments mate. I get what your saying regarding the lyric and the tone of the song and it isn't the first time someone has commented that the song didn't sound like they imagined it to be from the lyrics.
One of the things I actually particularly liked when writing the song was the 'laid' back kind of attitude it puts across. I want go into the why I liked it this but I do appreciate your comment and thank you for taking the time to listen to and review my song :) and I am glad you liked the lyrics.
Thanks buddy
Darren
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Hey dude,
I dig it to be fair, been listening to it as a finished piece. Think I prefer it to your last too, which is something.
Not sure exactly why, but always reminds me of The Brighton Port Authority. Laid back feel-good vibe.
Cheers,
Scott
Hey Scott
I am really pleased you like it mate :) I think, to be honest, it is the best production I have had on a song where I haven't had help - so I am quite proud of that! :P and it means a lot that you dig it ;) Thank you for listening and commenting!!
BTW - Was watching your posts in open mic last night - I didn't have time to comment or fully listen but will get back to it! It really inspired me tbh. I'd love to have the guts to perform live but just don't have it in me but seeing you perform made me think I'd like to give it ago. So keep it up pal!
Oh and I have never heard The Brighton Port Authority so I will have to check it out.
Take care mate
Darren
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Hey Darren,
You're right on the production, I was surprised given your comments re lack of experience. If you can keep improving that fast, you'll put John out of a job! ;D ;D
And awesome on the open mic, it's a bit of a ghost town in that section. I've never played any gigs either but standing infront of the camera and playing a few back-to-back definitely helps with confidence.
That one's quite old now, I'll have to do a new one soon & see if I've got any better.
I hope you post a session, looking forward to seeing g and hearing you on action!
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This just pulls me in. I hear some Paul Simon influence?? I don't know what could be improved. If it's production, that's not my area. Words and music fit together perfectly for me. I think this should be on the radio.
Vicki
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Hey Darren,
You're right on the production, I was surprised given your comments re lack of experience. If you can keep improving that fast, you'll put John out of a job! ;D ;D
And awesome on the open mic, it's a bit of a ghost town in that section. I've never played any gigs either but standing infront of the camera and playing a few back-to-back definitely helps with confidence.
That one's quite old now, I'll have to do a new one soon & see if I've got any better.
I hope you post a session, looking forward to seeing g and hearing you on action!
Hey mate
Thanks pal. I seem to have stumbled upon a half decent production on this by mistake and not sure I will be managing that again soon but it's promising to feel like I am moving forwards with this stuff. And haha no no I think John's job is safe!
Yeah get a new one up mate be interesting to see how you have progressed :) I think Sunday I will have more time so I will go through your video's again then. If I am feeling up to it I may well post a video of me performing a tune or two but we'll have to see :P Look forward to seeing your latest ;)
All the best, Darren
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This just pulls me in. I hear some Paul Simon influence?? I don't know what could be improved. If it's production, that's not my area. Words and music fit together perfectly for me. I think this should be on the radio.
Vicki
Hi Vicki
Thank you so much for the kind comments. I never thought in a million years any one would think a song of mind would deserve radio time :P that's very nice to hear! :) Paul Simon isn't much of an influence of mine - I have heard one or two of his obvious tracks but that's about it. I'm glad you liked it :)
Take care
Darren
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Hi Darren. Missed this one. Love the vibe. I love youreading songs, so inventive. Well up for mixing it up if you want .pm if interested :)
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Cool track.
This fascinates me...can't really explain why...but there's just something about it that I find really interesting...I wonder if it's a bit Ian Dury...but it's definitely got its own thing going on.
anyway...I really enjoyed hearing this...it's a bit off the wall and I like it.
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Hi Darren. Missed this one. Love the vibe. I love youreading songs, so inventive. Well up for mixing it up if you want .pm if interested :)
Thanks John I'm glad you like it :) and thrilled again by your offer of help!! I will pm you later when I am back home! Cheers buddy 8)
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Cool track.
This fascinates me...can't really explain why...but there's just something about it that I find really interesting...I wonder if it's a bit Ian Dury...but it's definitely got its own thing going on.
anyway...I really enjoyed hearing this...it's a bit off the wall and I like it.
Hey Paul!! Nice to read your comments :) I like to be a bit off the wall :P you'll have to forgive my ignorance though as I don't know who Ian Dury is :P another one to put on the check out list ;) thanks for your comments and support mate! Very much appreciated!! Darren
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The recording isn't bad....so you must be getting better..it's bloody hard I know well...I was really crap...this ain't bad.
Anyway the song is really nice....love that understated vocal delivery and the catchy rhythm of the thing. Those guitar bits that follow and underline some of the vocal parts work really well. Nice guitar sound too.
Lyric is great especially that 'and I often think, in quieter times, if I don't sink too low that I might rise above these flames a man reborn but no...
Onwards I row'
Great! And delivered so well.
I can understand Paul's Dury reference not that it sounds especially like him but as he says it ploughs its own furrow in the same way that Dury's stuff did....and a few other guys from that era...say Jona Lewie or Wreckless Eric...has that individuality.
If it was me I would definitely repeat once...or maybe more times depending on how many I think I could get away with...just the 'I might rise above these flames a man reborn but no...
Onwards I row'
This how I would go out...either one repeat or several because this is such a great bit that it could stand the repeating.
Enjoyed it!
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Hey Viscount
Thanks a lot for listening and reviewing pal :) and for the helpful comments. I am glad you like the lyrics and music and it's great to hear positive feedback. Now that you have mentioned it I am going to try and add some repeats at the end. I will tinker around with my acoustic and see what I can figure out.
It's nice getting fresh perspective on a song...so thank you very much
Darren
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great lyrics
I can't hear thesong
no strong connectivity the da net
I'll get 'round to hearing it -I hope-
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Yo Darren.
This is a solid song. It has a certain panache,compelling and interesting.
Well worth exploring further. :)
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Thanks Rightly and Skub for your feedback! I am going to try and re record parts of this again and John has kindly offered to help mix, might be a while before it's finished but I am hoping before the end of the year :P
Just got a lot on at the moment and trying to finalise some parts of this. Hopefully have my second finished song under my belt soonish though ;)
Thanks for everyones comments and support
Darren
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If there is such good information post again
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Christ, this is catchy. Love the insisting pulse right from the beginning. All the guitar contributions are ear-candy to me...gonna have that chrous in my head all day.
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Christ, this is catchy. Love the insisting pulse right from the beginning. All the guitar contributions are ear-candy to me...gonna have that chrous in my head all day.
Cheers Threepwood :) for the listen and the kind comments. A great to see you sticking around ;)
Take care
Darren
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I put my headphones on and started it over. I loved it. I like the contrast of upbeat tempo with the dark lyrics. It emphasizes that internal struggle you're singing about. I can tell it's going to be stuck in my head all day. Great rhythm.