The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Collaborations => Topic started by: Jenna on June 07, 2017, 03:09:41 AM
-
I hope I'm not breaking any forum rules here by posting my lyrics. I've been sitting on this song for some time and would like to pitch it to a big, big male artist in Nashville. It needs a male vocal, some drums, and a country acoustic twang (banjo and fiddles would be awesome if possible), but other than that I feel the lyrics call for a simple melody and chord progression.
Pro songwriters in the industry have given very positive feedback on this one, and I've edited to incorporate their suggestions. They mention mainstream artists are always looking for upbeat, positive, fun material, and felt this one had everything that makes a hit song.
This is an upbeat, fun lyric with a Southern US summer theme. I'm hearing it Americana style, but the artist I have in mind is more mainline country. This one could go either way. I'd love to hear what a composer could do with it. Please let me know if you'd like to collaborate. We'd need a professional demo ready to submit no later than June 16 for this particular artist.
Even if we don't meet the deadline, there will always be another artist looking for an upbeat song. Please let me know if you'd be interested in giving it a go.
The lyrics:
Redneck Pension
V1
Got a spot of land,
Fishing lake
More bass and crappies than I can take
V2
Case of beer
Fishing gear
Honey, get this tick off of my ear
C1
That's how I'm living
On my redneck pension
I got all I need here
I don't fear no recessions
My own apple pie dream
Far off the mainstream
Living high on wild hogs
On my redneck pension
V3
Hunting grounds,
Ammo rounds,
White tail, rabbits, with four coonhounds
V4
Bought my land
in cold hard cash
During that economic crash
Bridge
Bankers turned my investments into trash
And their foreclosures burned my stash
I had to work under the table
To keep my family stable
Rich man loopholes aid the scam
Hiding it from Uncle Sam
Chorus 2
Now I'm living the dream
on my redneck pension
I had to beg, borrow and steal
To own this possession
I'm telling you now,
This is my one true confession
I'm living free and easy
On my redneck pension
Outro
Redneck pension
Lifelong obsession
My last confession.
Hey, I didn't do nothing those darned executives don't do
I ain't bending to your conventions
Hey there! Get off my property ya'll
This here is my land and your trespassing on it
You don't leave now and I'll shoot you in the can
And then a fingerpicked descending bassline with an explosive strum at the end
-
Hi,
This sounds like a good opportunity, which is why I'm kicking myself that country isn't really my style.
The lyrics are very good and I'm sure I could turn this into a good country song but when it comes to the professional country demo, I think I would fall short of the mark.
I know how hot the Nashville guys are and I think it's a very fine line between authentic and trying to sound authentic.
Darn it, I think I'm going to make myself talk cowboy for the rest of the day as penance.
Y'all have a good day now.
Yodasdad
-
Surely there's a good country singer we could find to do a demo. I've tried the whole southern accent thing and can't pull it off, either.
-
It was more the instrumental production and arrangement I was thinking of.
Let me have a play with it and see where it goes for a couple of days and I'll get back to you.
I've never tried a southern twang to my singing, bout time I did.
Yodasdad
-
Just one thing...
Is it
White tail, rabbits
Or
White tail rabbits?
Yodasdad
-
I agree...great lyric!
Couple things...in the line "Honey, get this tick off of my ear", I suggest removing "of". To me, using unnecessary words weakens, although, for a country song, it might be appropriate to sing "offa my ear".
And the line "To own this possession", feels (to me) like stretching to make it rhyme. But I don't know how to fix it without a lot of thought and possibly rewriting. Maybe something about acquiring my possessions? And maybe I'm just not getting it, anyway, and it's fine as is.
Just my thoughts. Do with them what you wish. :D
Vicki
-
I know what you mean Vicki,
putting this to music though, off of my ear does seem to fit quite nicely. Not worked on the possessions part yet.
Jenna,
Question...
Is the chorus to be repeated a second time before the bridge?
This would be my normal expectation but maybe 'country' tends to do things differently?
Yodasdad
-
It was more the instrumental production and arrangement I was thinking of.
Let me have a play with it and see where it goes for a couple of days and I'll get back to you.
I've never tried a southern twang to my singing, bout time I did.
Yodasdad
Lol. Good luck with the twang! Sure thing, if you're willing to give it a shot. I'd love to hear what you can put together.
-
Just one thing...
Is it
White tail, rabbits
Or
White tail rabbits?
Yodasdad
It is white tail (as in deer), rabbits.
-
I agree...great lyric!
Couple things...in the line "Honey, get this tick off of my ear", I suggest removing "of". To me, using unnecessary words weakens, although, for a country song, it might be appropriate to sing "offa my ear".
And the line "To own this possession", feels (to me) like stretching to make it rhyme. But I don't know how to fix it without a lot of thought and possibly rewriting. Maybe something about acquiring my possessions? And maybe I'm just not getting it, anyway, and it's fine as is.
Just my thoughts. Do with them what you wish. :D
Vicki
Great suggestions. I like the "offa my ear." I'd assume a country singer might do that naturally, but you never know. Maybe best to write it in. And I'll take a look at the wordy resources and see what i might be able to use instead of that possessions thang. <- Typing twang is much easier than speaking. :P
-
I know what you mean Vicki,
putting this to music though, off of my ear does seem to fit quite nicely. Not worked on the possessions part yet.
Jenna,
Question...
Is the chorus to be repeated a second time before the bridge?
This would be my normal expectation but maybe 'country' tends to do things differently?
Yodasdad
You know what? I don't see how I can move the second chorus before the bridge without seriously disrupting the flow. I wasn't aware of that standard bit of the structure. Thanks for the education.
-
Why not just repeat the first chorus?
A chorus is generally repeated with the same or largely the same lyrics each time anyway, it's what embeds the hook.
I must admit this is the first time I've come across 2 completely different choruses in a song.
Again, this could be an idiosyncrasy of country music that I'm not aware of. It surprises me though with modern country being all about the hook these days.
Yodasdad
-
Insomnia's got the better of me again tonight so I'm putting my overactive brain to use.
Okay, the more I'm going over the lyrics and thinking about how they work and fit musically, the more things are popping up that I think may need a little work.
Again, my knowledge of the country genre and conventions is limited so if I'm missing something and way off the mark, let me know.
Personally I would repeat the first chorus prior to the bridge and adapt the 2nd (now 3rd) chorus so that it is almost the Same again, maybe a couple of lines different.
I would also consider removing the final paragraph, starting 'hey' completely. I imagine this to be maybe a spoken part?? and I'm not sure it really adds to the song. It might weaken a potentially nice strong outro and also if we were to go with the 3 choruses, would probably make it difficult to fit under the magic 4 minute mark.
If the final paragraph is kept, the second line seems a little contradictory the way I'm understanding it.
In the first line the narrator is doing the same as someone, but in the second not bending to their conventions. Maybe 'I'm just bending to your (their?) conventions' might work better.
I don't mean to rip this apart, I'm just trying to get my head around it and ensure the song will be as strong as possible.
I was going to send you this privately but thought other, better lyricists than me, might have a useful input.
Let me know what you think, I'll push on with what's there for now.
Yodasdad
-
Okay. I'll see what I can do. It may take me a few days to get a good bit of time in on it, though. I'm spent for the night, otherwise, I'd start on it now. Thanks for the input. I wanted to add those bits in for the sake of humor. I think it would sell the song, the spoken part at the end. And the rest was there to develop the story, but maybe it's just too much info. I could probably cut it back a fair bit. Someone else had made the suggestion of using the "case of beer, fishing gear, tick ear" verse as the chorus or hook, because that's what's going to stick in a listener's mind, plus they're activities that resonate with a fair percentage of the population. I wasn't sure how I could do that without having to rewrite the whole thing. By the sounds of it, that's basically what it's going to boil down to, so . . .
I'll give it a shot!
-
Then again, maybe it's not that hard. Are you thinking just copy the first chorus in front of the bridge? That would work. Would it be a bad idea to add the other chorus behind the bridge before the outro? Then drop the last spoken bit, and that's it!
Is that what you had in mind? I've got no problem with it.
V1
Got a spot of land,
Fishing lake
More bass and crappies than I can take
V2
Case of beer
Fishing gear
Honey, get this tick off of my ear
C1
That's how I'm living
On my redneck pension
I got all I need here
I don't fear no recessions
My own apple pie dream
Far off the mainstream
Living high on wild hogs
On my redneck pension
V3
Hunting grounds,
Ammo rounds,
White tail, rabbits,
with four coonhounds
Chorus 2
That's how I'm living
On my redneck pension
I got all I need here
I don't fear no recessions
My own apple pie dream
Far off the mainstream
Living high on wild hogs
On my redneck pension
Bridge
Bought my land in cold hard cash
During that economic crash
Bankers turned my investments into trash
And their foreclosures burned my stash
I had to work under the table
To keep my family stable
Rich man loopholes aided the scam
Hiding it from Uncle Sam
C.3
Now I'm living the dream
on my redneck pension
I had to beg, borrow and steal
To own this possession
I'm telling you now,
This is my one true confession
I'm living free and easy
On my redneck pension
Outro
Redneck pension
Lifelong obsession
My last confession.
How's that? Guns in country music are hot, hot, hot, so I hesitated taking that last bit out. But it might have enough to stand on its own without mention of one.
-
I have to say that Yodasdad knocked this out of the park. Can't wait to share it when it's ready. :)