The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: hardtwistmusic on June 03, 2017, 02:30:57 AM
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Just finished a rough recording of this after writing the lyric and posting it in the lyrics section.
https://www.reverbnation.com/htmworksinprogress. New Format as per suggestion by Oldbutyet... V, V, C, V,C,V.
Yesterday When You Still Loved Me.
VERSE:
If I hide inside a church, will it wash away my sin.
Can God show me a way that I can feel alright again.
Sprinkle me with holy water. Cleanse My soul I pray.
But never again will I feel as clean as I felt yesterday.
VERSE:
Take me to the ocean blue to wash away my pain.
Find a storm where I can stand beneath the cleansing rain.
Point me toward a waterfall. I’ll stand beneath the spray.
But never again will I feel as clean as I felt yesterday.
CHORUS:
Yesterday when you still loved me, not so long before.
I wish somehow I could return to yesterday once more.
Looking for my will to live since you walked out that door.
Why can’t we go back and be the way we were before?
VERSE:
I never felt such guilt before. I never dreamed I could.
Cause once my life was like a script straight out of hollywood.
But then I ruined everything, and guilt’s the price I’ll pay.
And never again will I feel as clean as I felt yesterday.
Yesterday when you still loved me, not so long before.
I wish somehow I could return to yesterday once more.
Looking for my will to live since you walked out that door.
Why can’t we go back and be the way we were before?
VERSE:
Tried to hide inside a church, didn't wash away my sin.
God did not show me a way to feel alright again.
They sprinkled me with holy water. Knelt with me to pray.
But I just could not feel as clean as I felt yesterday.
As I felt yesterday.
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Song sounds great! A great melody line that stays in the same direction and that backing track definitely complements it further. Lyrics are on point too. Nice ;)
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Great imagery in the lyrics. I would Love to hear more traditional acoustic instruments. The current instrumentation is a little bit of an obstacle for me but as a song, this has charm in abundance.
Paul
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I have nothing new to say about the lyric; I still like it a lot. It also seems to flow well with your melody, except in three little bitsy spots in the chorus:
1. Yesterday when you still loved me, not so long before. I would prefer to hear the word "still" emphasized over "you", rather than other way around.
2. I wish somehow I could return to yesterday once more. It feels to me like the "turn" portion of "return" should be emphasized stronger than "could".
3. I just want to go back and be the way we were before. To me it feels like "back" should be emphasized and "to go" should be de-emphasized.
Just ignore me if you don't agree; these are just my far-from-expert opinions.
I do like the lyric a LOT and think it makes a great song!
Vicki
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Sweet tune. Really like the chord choices in the choruses, particularly under the third lines. I tend to agree that this song would reveal it's full potential with some more acoustic instruments underneath it... is that an option as you develop it? I hope you keep polishing this one.
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Sorry to all for being so late to express appreciation for your comments. Been on borrowed internet for the last week. Just got renewed with unlimited bandwidth, so I'm back on my own system.
I have re-done the instrumentation choices to be more acoustic and less "jangly." Two of you expressed that would be better, and you are right. I'll post the second version to the site and let you know when it's there.
Thanks to all. The feedback is definitely appreciated.
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Hi Verlon
Good to see you are still composing & keeping momentum on songwriting. :) I heard 'Yesterday when you still loved me'. & this is what I think....
I think that this song has potential to be a very credible song by way of having both melody &
sentiment. I can not pinpoint at this moment exactly where & how but feel some pause between some lines & a little restructuring would greatly enhance the song. Instrumentation wise..perhaps change the sound occasionally to add dynamics & appeal. I will have another listen & try & be more precise in the suttle changes aforementioned. Potential to be positively very appealing! look forward to your updated version :)
R'gardz Stylus :)
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Verlon,
Liked it. The words had some good lines and imagery.
I liked the slightly quirky backing and the especially the first melody and chords of the first two lines of the verse.
:)
neil
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Hi Verlon
Good to see you are still composing & keeping momentum on songwriting. :) I heard 'Yesterday when you still loved me'. & this is what I think....
I think that this song has potential to be a very credible song by way of having both melody &
sentiment. I can not pinpoint at this moment exactly where & how but feel some pause between some lines & a little restructuring would greatly enhance the song. Instrumentation wise..perhaps change the sound occasionally to add dynamics & appeal. I will have another listen & try & be more precise in the suttle changes aforementioned. Potential to be positively very appealing! look forward to your updated version :)
R'gardz Stylus :)
Hey... Good to hear from you again. I just recently went through the membership list to get a sense of who I missed hearing from. And then two days later, you're back. GOOD.
I'm glad you mentioned the spacing. I kinda knew that in the back of my head, but it wouldn't come to the front of my conscious mind where I could grasp it. I'm sure you're right. Particularly where the chorus just starts up without any lead-in after the verses. I'll work on it.
Thanks again, and great to hear from you again.
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Verlon,
Liked it. The words had some good lines and imagery.
I liked the slightly quirky backing and the especially the first melody and chords of the first two lines of the verse.
:)
neil
For me, "quirky" is usually an accident. Sometimes, it's a fortuitous accident, and other times not so much. I "un-quirked" it a little bit due to a suggestion from two people, and I like it better. I'll try to get it posted alongside the first version for a comparison. Probably post it in "finished songs" since it's as finished as I'm capable of getting.
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Good to see you again to Verlon :) I definately look forward to update on this song. I think absent people may look in once in a while I didnt recognise many on here & some even changed there user name... :) Heres to creativity, & a bit of fun... :)
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Just finished a rough recording of this after writing the lyric and posting it in the lyrics section.
https://www.reverbnation.com/htmworksinprogress
Yesterday When You Still Loved Me.
If I hide inside a church, will it wash away my sin.
Can God show me a way that I can feel alright again.
Sprinkle me with holy water. Cleanse My soul I pray.
But never again will I feel as clean as I felt yesterday.
Yesterday when you still loved me, not so long before.
I wish somehow I could return to yesterday once more.
Looking for my will to live since you walked out that door.
I just want to go back and be the way we were before.
Take me to the ocean blue to wash away my pain.
Find a storm where I can stand beneath the cleansing rain.
Point me toward a waterfall. I’ll stand beneath the spray.
But never again will I feel as clean as I felt yesterday.
Yesterday when you still loved me, not so long before.
I wish somehow I could return to yesterday once more.
Looking for my will to live since you walked out that door.
Why can’t we go back and be the way we were before?
I never felt such guilt before. I never dreamed I could.
Cause once my life was like a script straight out of hollywood.
But then I ruined everything, and guilt’s the price I’ll pay.
And never again will I feel as clean as I felt yesterday.
As I felt yesterday.
Okay Verlon im going with imagery here so will reply verse at a time.
Before the first verse comes, in imagery im sitting in the back seat of some preacher house listening to the same old same old, then i hear your first verse of song, woke me up has me interested 8) make me thinks listeners around are singing are singing.
Theres no point in talking lyrics here you thought them out well, before second verse you need a gap my friend.
Will post more on this 8)
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Just finished a rough recording of this after writing the lyric and posting it in the lyrics section.
https://www.reverbnation.com/htmworksinprogress
Yesterday When You Still Loved Me.
If I hide inside a church, will it wash away my sin.
Can God show me a way that I can feel alright again.
Sprinkle me with holy water. Cleanse My soul I pray.
But never again will I feel as clean as I felt yesterday.
Yesterday when you still loved me, not so long before.
I wish somehow I could return to yesterday once more.
Looking for my will to live since you walked out that door.
I just want to go back and be the way we were before.
Take me to the ocean blue to wash away my pain.
Find a storm where I can stand beneath the cleansing rain.
Point me toward a waterfall. I’ll stand beneath the spray.
But never again will I feel as clean as I felt yesterday.
Yesterday when you still loved me, not so long before.
I wish somehow I could return to yesterday once more.
Looking for my will to live since you walked out that door.
Why can’t we go back and be the way we were before?
I never felt such guilt before. I never dreamed I could.
Cause once my life was like a script straight out of hollywood.
But then I ruined everything, and guilt’s the price I’ll pay.
And never again will I feel as clean as I felt yesterday.
As I felt yesterday.
Okay Verlon im going with imagery here so will reply verse at a time.
Before the first verse comes, in imagery im sitting in the back seat of some preacher house listening to the same old same old, then i hear your first verse of song, woke me up has me interested 8) make me thinks listeners around are singing are singing.
Theres no point in talking lyrics here you thought them out well, before second verse you need a gap my friend.
Will post more on this 8)
You're coming in to early with the chorus, follow the first verse with the second verse but just before, let us drift with the melody, that way then we're with you in the second verse, holding again with the melody before the chorus, also im thinking your third verse could be follow by your first just to get us back inside the church, then the chorus is all yours, if i wasted my time, I enjoy it, thank you 8)
Yesterday When You Still Loved Me.
If I hide inside a church, will it wash away my sin.
Can God show me a way that I can feel alright again.
Sprinkle me with holy water. Cleanse My soul I pray.
But never again will I feel as clean as I felt yesterday.
Take me to the ocean blue to wash away my pain.
Find a storm where I can stand beneath the cleansing rain.
Point me toward a waterfall. I’ll stand beneath the spray.
But never again will I feel as clean as I felt yesterday.
Yesterday when you still loved me, not so long before.
I wish somehow I could return to yesterday once more.
Looking for my will to live since you walked out that door.
Why can’t we go back and be the way we were before?
I never felt such guilt before. I never dreamed I could.
Cause once my life was like a script straight out of hollywood.
But then I ruined everything, and guilt’s the price I’ll pay.
And never again will I feel as clean as I felt yesterday.
If I hide inside a church, will it wash away my sin.
Can God show me a way that I can feel alright again.
Sprinkle me with holy water. Cleanse My soul I pray.
But never again will I feel as clean as I felt yesterday.
Yesterday when you still loved me, not so long before.
I wish somehow I could return to yesterday once more.
Looking for my will to live since you walked out that door.
I just want to go back and be the way we were before.
As I felt yesterday.
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I really like that. It makes the song a little longer, but it's currently only around two minutes, fifty seconds. There is room to expand.
I can repeat the lead-in between the two verses. By the time I'm done doing all that, it's probably a four minute and twenty second song. . . a little long, but I think (doing it your way) will hold the interest.
BTW. . . I added just one measure between the verses and choruses. Added two, and didn't like it, and reduced down to the one.
Also, I might make minor changes to the second "Inside a church" verse, just to differentiate it a little.
Tried to hide inside a church, didn't wash away my sin.
God did not show me a way to feel alright again.
They sprinkled me with holy water. Knelt with me to pray.
But I just could not feel as clean as I felt yesterday.
You've given me a lot to think about, and I'm looking forward to hearing what you think when I re-do this.
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I really like that. It makes the song a little longer, but it's currently only around two minutes, fifty seconds. There is room to expand.
I can repeat the lead-in between the two verses. By the time I'm done doing all that, it's probably a four minute and twenty second song. . . a little long, but I think (doing it your way) will hold the interest.
BTW. . . I added just one measure between the verses and choruses. Added two, and didn't like it, and reduced down to the one.
Also, I might make minor changes to the second "Inside a church" verse, just to differentiate it a little.
Tried to hide inside a church, didn't wash away my sin.
God did not show me a way to feel alright again.
They sprinkled me with holy water. Knelt with me to pray.
But I just could not feel as clean as I felt yesterday.
You've given me a lot to think about, and I'm looking forward to hearing what you think when I re-do this.
Hey Verlon, don't worry about length its what we see in your lyrics thats far more important than the length of a piece of string, expand 8)
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As everyone seems to agree, the lyrics are definitely great. Also, the instrumentation being acoustic is exactly what it needs!! Doesn't even have to be anything fancy, simple stuff on a piano or a guitar (or both), would be great and make the vibe a lot nicer, while keeping the original melody.
I feel like I'm not adding much to what everyone says. I guess I thought someone else saying it is just more needed confirmation, or something, especially since I love the lyrics & wanna hear them with something more fitting. :)
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As everyone seems to agree, the lyrics are definitely great. Also, the instrumentation being acoustic is exactly what it needs!! Doesn't even have to be anything fancy, simple stuff on a piano or a guitar (or both), would be great and make the vibe a lot nicer, while keeping the original melody.
I feel like I'm not adding much to what everyone says. I guess I thought someone else saying it is just more needed confirmation, or something, especially since I love the lyrics & wanna hear them with something more fitting. :)
Hi: Haven't heard from you before, so "welcome to the forum."
As far as "not adding much to what everyone says," it is not possible to "not add much" with criticism. Criticism is always valuable, but one piece of criticism is just "one person's opinion." The importance of criticism is magnified greatly with every additional critic's opinion.
One piece of criticism has very limited value. It is "patterns of criticism" that are truly valuable. If one person thinks a line in a lyric is wrong, it's just an opinion. Two people is a "trend." Three people who think the same thing probably means you'd better follow their opinion.
So thank you for adding to the "pattern of criticism". TRUST ME, your opinion is important and valuable. Thanks again.