The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: adamfarr on May 21, 2017, 11:13:07 AM
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I promise I will write a more commercial beach song during June. For now, however, you'll have to put up with another "unique" song.
Business travel by air is a great way to lose a lot of your life, and hair, and it doesn't get much worse than getting the middle seat between two (large, sweaty, possibly drunk) tourists having a great time while you're working on an excel spreadsheet. For our protagonist, some inadvertently philosophical comments from staff drive him over the edge of realising how futile this existence is.
I initially wanted to write a song where the end gives it a new meaning, like Kathleen Edwards' "Pink Emerson Radio" - if you don't know it I won't ruin it (). In mine our hero's plane would actually crash at the end. That's pretty rare and implausible though. And I don't have her genius. On the other hand, try getting on a plane without thinking about your own mortality at least once, so I went with that. Oh yeah, and there are angels and John Lennon and stuff...
Some experimentation going on here, so all constructive and specific comments welcome as ever!
https://soundcloud.com/lutehill/suit-among-the-shorts-master-21-05-2017c
Suit Among the Shorts
V1
Always the last one on the plane
They gave me the middle seat again
I never made time to take that holiday
V2
Amidst the tablets only one Dell
Those numbers won't calculate themselves
Given up thinking if I still could rebel
CHORUS
Security said "You can't take it with you"
As if they checked my thoughts
Stewardess says "Wake up and move"
The only suit among the shorts
V3
Saving up for some future me
I envy the hugging families
Doing my duty between the duty-free
CHORUS
BRIDGE
(Laptops and golfclubs) Our things all break the same
(Deadlines and dates) Our prayers ripped away the same
(Young and old faces) All on the news the same
CHORUS
AD LIB TO END (MOSTLY QUITE SHOUTY)
(c) Adam Farr, 2017
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Hi Adam
I've listened and read and think you have really delivered the message as per your explanation. You use enough words for the listener to understand without making it really obvious. The theme I found quite touchingly sad - I'm guessing that was intentional.
I like the music and melody and you have a very distinctive voice which is great. I did think a touch more harmonies towards the start would help but that's just my thoughts. As the song progresses it gets better and better. At first the break took me by surprise but on second listen I really enjoyed it. The chorus is excellent and when it drops back in after the break it takes on a whole new meaning. The violin (? some stringed instrument...) was a great addition and maybe we could hear more of the that towards the start too?
Good stuff mate
Darren
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Adam,
Share many of these sentiments....I work at the Airport and seeing all those happy people going on their hols only depresses me.
Like the different sections and the sound affects.....bit BeatleEsq.
Like the experimentation
A man who wears suits every day
Sandeep
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I remember you wrote another lyric like this where you were on a bus or something & very sad about missing out on love
This reminded me a bit of that band where the singer stands on one leg playing a flute?
I liked the band of monks travelling monastery class, the 'A Day In The Life' noises & the cello,
but tbh its not my favourite of yours.... it was a bit dirge like & a bit too long for me..
I think songs with just acoustic guitar & voice have to have some special thing going on to make up for the fact theres not much going on
sorry Adam!
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Wonderfully unique, imaganative and quirky as usual. I love your stuff Adam. I love the lyrics, what a story. My fave line was "A middle class hero is nothing to be" Classic :)
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Yes... made me quite sad if I'm honest. I think it was the overall image of this poor suited fellow who never takes a holiday and who's saving up for some future me... and then dies in the crash. What was that life all about? It's way too close for comfort. I like the choir that comes in at the crash moment...
There's a great song here, although the arrangement here dragged (for me) a little. I don't think it needs a big arrangement, but maybe a little something more early on just to help with momentum and texture. But the song works well. I've heard some great stuff this morning on this site, some very powerful, some thrilling, some exciting, but this one affected / moved me the most.
Derek
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Yo Adam.
It's a thought provoking,poignant,bleak and desolate song. Like Derek,it also moved me.
Very cool idea and execution,overall. On a personal level,I wasn't mad keen on the delivery of the ad-lib ending,but I liked the general idea and lyrics.
A timely reminder of the 'now' as all we really have.
Good work Adam. :)
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Yep the lyrics certainly resonated here! An anthem for a mid-life crisis. Some superb observational lines in this - I liked the "Dell among the tablets" and "can't take it with you" lines in particular (plus "middle class hero" - genius!).
Like some of the other guys I also wanted more going on in the first half of the song - bring forward some of the harmonies and cello that arrive later? Or maybe there is space for a hooky little guitar motif on top of the strumming (like "The Most Normal Thing")? And I reckon it might work well with slightly faster tempo?
"Wake up and move" is a nice powerful line to end on... you can read that in so many ways - 'get up out of your seat' or 'stop wasting your life away'. (Makes mental note to self...).
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Very relaxing, this drifts along nicely with its lilting 6/8 time sig.
I particularly liked the choir like section. I'd be tempted to either continue this or bring it back over the guitar and cello towards the end. I like the addition of the cello by the way.
In terms of the production there was quite a lot of noise (hiss) in my right ear. I think it's coming from the guitar track (possibly the compressor) it fades out and back in between the sections, presumably where your combing different takes of the guitar.
A minor thing but a little off putting when listening at high volume.
Hope this is of some use, enjoyed the song itself though.
Yodasdad
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There's something about this that i think is really great.
Well...there are a few things, really...the lyrics are excellent...and fantastic in places...and the story is fascinating. there are some great harmony lines in just the right places too. The acoustic guitar is sounding really good. As Yodasdad mentioned...the background noise - when it appears - is slightly off-putting.
if i'd written it - and i really wish i had - i'd most likely bring some drums in and lose the sound effects part and then trim the ending right back...that's not meant as a criticism...as something this unique deserves to be heard exactly as the writer intended...but i think i'd have been a little more brutal with it.
it's a great song, i reckon...good on you...you're on fire :)
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Hey Adam
Lovely poignant song in your quirky style - I like it!
I remember years ago boarding a flight to Barbados - I was on a business trip with a laptop and everyone else was in tennis attire. I got some strange looks - are you on the right flight sir? ;D ;D
But enough about me, your lyrics are outstanding - there's a sadness yet an acceptance to them.
Needs a bit of a haircut in length but it's a strong write IMHCO ;D ;D
Paul
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Hi Adam, a pretty good idea for a song, but for me it was too long and a bit too slow. I know I'm guilty of doing the same :P. I also felt the arrangement and instrumentation needed to be worked up a bit more. Nice clean production though I think you are getting to grips with the production thing.
Nice one!
Cheers
Jamie
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Good song, I like the lyrics and the sentiment, the 2nd half was especially good, I thought the choir and the cello were great and the ad lib section at the end, I just thought it took a little too long before it got there, more enjoyable on the 2nd listen as I knew it was coming
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Hi Adam,
I like your quirkiness in your songs mate. Your playing is nice mate, but musically I would have liked something more (not sure what exactly,sorry) in the first 3 mins, even just a change up with the guitar, some picking or something as my attention was starting to wonder and then BLAM that crazy middle bit happened!! That was cool, with the sound effects aswell. The cello in the second half was a nice and needed touch aswell.
I also wasn't sure about the chord you use going into "the only suit among the shorts"? It jarred me slightly each time it happened. Sorry man, however the chorus had grown on me by the end, which is exactly what is supposed to happen. I also think 5 mins is too long for this song. You could speed it up a bit and have it done in 4.
Well,i hope u don't take offence to these comments mate, I'm just offering my honest, well intended feedback.
Cheers
Leo
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Fab lyrics! Several brilliant lines lines in there, my fav boing "Saving up for some future me". Spot on!
Musically I'd say it is a tad on the long sing and could use some more variation despite the break at around 3 min. Think this would work better in more of a band setting or maybe that is just nmy personal prefs. The current mix is a little "boxy" esp the vocals but that should be an easi fix.
Once again, the lyrics are absolutely brilliant!
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Hey Adam,
interesting selection of chords. I really like the simplicity of the lyrics. Not unlike Roddy Frame - he’s one of the best writers on the planet in my opinion. Your introduction to the post made every thing crystal clear. I love the quirky experimental section whilst still maintaining the spirit of the song. Cool backing vocals towards the end tnd also strings. Fine title my friend!
Very enjoyable.
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Adam,
Good intro, liked the lyrics. 'Doing my duty between the duty free' :-) and one i can relate to..
Liked the ambitious vocal backing. Liked the viola
Feel like it could take some some backing on after the 1st chorus? Maybe just snare and bass.
It perhaps could de with a touch of pruning as its fairly long.
:)
Neil
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Very good Adam...really enjoyed the trip....well...not sure about the cello thing or whatever it was in that last chorus...but I liked it going through the outro.
Didn't find it too long at all.
Thought I liked the verses best until that chorus began to get into me.....all the lines are good there. Especially like the way it goes down on 'can't take it with you'...2nd line nice melody there...and great going up on the punchline.
Interesting bridge and it worked! Nice vocal bits here.
Quite a daring venture which clearly didn't totally work for everybody but I applaud it anyway! I don't think it needed more instrumentation coming in....those melodies carried it for me and the introduction of the backing vocals in the second chorus changed that up enough for me....what might have been a possibility was to have more voices singing the whole of the last chorus....a group singing kind of thing to make the choruses grow bigger as the song progresses....that might have eased the cello for me too (though I have to say that it didn't seem so stark on second listen....maybe it's a tad loud through the chorus there....maybe it's just me!)
Good one!
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Sorry for the bump but really wanted to thank everyone - this forum's comments are all the more valuable to me when there are some things that work well and some things that work less well... So this one is going back to WIP (after the Summer competition!) and the challenge will be to lose some of the self-indulgent or mis-judged bits without making the good bits less effective.
I am hoping that the result will be a huge step forward; and also that some will take time to come back to it and see where it has travelled...
So I won't go into every specific comment (though PaulAds, drums, really?!) but want you to know I am enthused to take all the input and move things forward.
Thanks all!
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Yeah...really :)
I'd quite like to do a version of this...if you'd let me loose with it, just give me a shout.