The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Martinswede on May 19, 2017, 06:33:32 PM
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Hello!
This is my summer song competition song.
Since I'm out of work I decided to make this one kind of an art project.
BUT I changed my mind and thought I'd just be done with it. It is very possible
that I'll write a song before July that is better, but then again so might not be
the case.
I aimed for a sound like it's recorded on the beach, but without cheesy waves sounds,
more a naked recording of just guitars and vocals. And maybe I'm just too lazy to add more
tracks. I've added noise and dirt to make it sound more like it was recorded on a phone.
The story is fictional but the title isn't. I'm not gonna give pointers to what it's about but
love, anarchy and summer are in some way present.
https://soundcloud.com/martin-jarnevi/louise (https://soundcloud.com/martin-jarnevi/louise)
Louise
The girls are topless and tanned
My feet are covered in sand
Time to catch a breath
Leaving town for a while
Just to make you smile
But this summer will end
The beach will never be our second home,
our second home
Because it's just full of ghosts, full of ghosts
Your pale and freckled skin
Could never stand the sun
So you borrowed one of my shirts
The trail takes us home
Before the thunder storm
I'll love you sheltered from the rain
We ain't kids anymore
Though we enjoy this time of year
There's no need for me to keep you warm
Still I stay close all night
Summer passing me by
Summer unnoticed some times
Not even the morning can compete with you
Not even the morning can compete with you
Louise
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Hi Martin, the summers sound fabulous in Sweden. I have only been there in December and it was dark all the time and I was encouraged to drink a glass of glug between each course of a eleven course mainly herring based meal so I would love to visit in the summer, Skol :) Good melody I thought and get your idea about scratchiness. Maybe the vocals need a bit of attention. Good song :)
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Hi Martin
I like this song!
Like John says nice melody and it's short ;D
Breaks a few rules (like not getting to the hook/title until the last word) but seems to work anyway.
The vocals are a bit pitchy in places- you might want to fix that.
Good song though!
Paul
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Hi!
Yes the vocals are not where they should be at times. I realized that
I never made a solo listening of them yesterday. A new version with
a re take will be posted this morning.
Yes pompeyjazz, December ain't that fun. The herring is good but there
are things that don't resemble food served that time of year like
'lutfisk' - yes, cod in lye and 'dopp i grytan' - stale bread soaked in
stock and served with mustard.
I forgot to mention in my original post that I of course used my crappy
beach guitar tuned only by ear to make this recording. :)
Martin
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Hi!
Ok. Now the link is updated and redirected to the new vocal take.
Martin
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Hi Martin
I like this song and I found the more I listened the more it grew on me. That's a lovely quality to have in a song. I, personally, would have liked it a little longer (coming from me who has a habit of writing short song :P) and was thinking that the verse about second home and full of ghosts would be excellent as a sort of chorus... and maybe might work being repeated at the end.
However you know where you are coming from with this so please ignore me as the songs work as it is.
I really liked it stripped back as it is...very much makes it a campfire song ;)
Good write!
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Thank you Darren!
I'm not that skilled when it comes to writing a smashing chorus.
I've rarely made a melody that I think has that drive. Melodies
are tricky for me. Making them memorable. I got one song 'I'm Here'
that has a catchy pop chorus that I like. Maybe it will be my next
recording project.
Martin
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Hi Martin,
Swedish Summer: I was there last year the day after the midsummer parties you guys have. Seemed like the entire country was hungover.
So your song - it's my first time to hear your voice :). I like it, you have a kind of gentle Neil Young quality to my ears in this one.
What I like the most about this song is the lyrics - especially the way you use little details that seem quite incidental and unimportant, but really paint a realistic picture and help you imagine the scene so they end up being really powerful, like the line about lending Louise one of your shirts. Lloyd Cole does that a lot in his songs and I'm a big fan of him too. I also like the way it's not too obviously a love song until you get to the last 2 lines. It's very subtle & mellow. Nice one!
Pauly
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Thank you Pauly!
Neil Young, yes I've spent some time listening to his records.
Sometimes I just hear that Wilco singer Jeff Tweedy when
I sing and I've spent a long time detoxing my voice from
being strongly influenced by Elliott Smith.
Martin
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Hi Martin,
Melodically this is very pleasing, very relaxing too.
I too think this would be strengthened by having a bigger chorus but I hear what you're saying about having difficulty creating them. It seemed to have a really nice build of a pre chorus but didn't get to that 3rd gear.
Enjoyable all the same though, there's nothing wrong with what's there.
Maybe a simple intro would be nice, perhaps just 8 bars round the chord sequence or something to set the mood?
Yodasdad
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I like it a lot - it really takes us to a particular place and situation and sketches a scene for our imaginations to fill in...
The lyrics are really thoughtful and evocative; very original and personal.
The "second home" section I thought was going to be the chorus - it has a different structure from the others and has a few things to make us think. I wonder if adding a short and lazy guitar interlude at the end and then using that section as a finale could work? Having said that, it could leave us on a negative note and the note that you leave us on is more positive.
Very nice storytelling here.
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Thank you Yodasdad and Adam!
My intention was to give the feeling of leaving all the
have too:s behind and just enjoy the summer.
I must agree a bit of instrumental could have added some variation
but I felt I had to use the little energy that was in there and just
played the guitar differently.
Martin
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Hey Martin.
I thought I had already commented on this...must be losing my marbles!
I too get the slight Neil Young comparisons,I'm a fan,so that's ok with me. :)
It's a delicate little flower this song,fragile and vulnerable,but also charming.
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Hey Martin
Great song capturing your raw emotions.
Beautiful guitar playing and excellent lyrics.
Thought provoking
Sandeep
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i love the sweet simplicity of this...very nicely understated and heartfelt.
Excellent stuff, Martin...a proper campfire treat :)
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Thank you Skub, Movin Flavour and PaulAds!
I don't think of my song as an on the beach track. (Sorry for the bad
Neil Young joke). More of a relaxed evening after a warm day song. When
the sun has set but there's still that twilight afterglow in the sky.
When it's so obvious that the love you feel towards the one who sits
beside you is the same love you've felt so many times before in so many
situations. That all the love that's inside you is directed to this one person.
Martin
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Hi, I was fortunate to live in Sweden for a couple of years so I came to enjoy midsummer which we still celebrate every year! I also loved herring/schnapps, and August crayfish parties and of course sauna! Happy days. There was another dish I loved and I still remember which was moose Pytti panna. ( pretty sure that's not the correct spelling but I'm sure you know what I mean! :P
Good song, liked the simplicity of it though I thought the vocal was a bit pitchy but not much. Yes I got the Neil young feel too. Nice one!
Cheers
Jamie
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Martin,
I like the words and sentiment.
Like the vulnerable feel of it
:)
Neil
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I liked it Martin but agree with Darren and Adam...'the beach will never be our second home' part is your subtle, but effective chorus.....you don't need a massive chorus here. The repeated lines and the strong lyrical statement in this part is enough.
So I think you should repeat this part after the 2nd set of verses instead of the 'we're not kids any more bit' which is over the same chords I think but seems like a totally different part altogether.
The repeated lines are a good device here......you've got your chorus.....just need to employ it better....well, that's an opinion anyway!
Good lyric and good song....
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Really really nice, the type of song that you can drift with, wonderful, find a bar and sing this live, really great 8)
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Jamie - I haven't had much moose in my days I'm afraid. Spelling
correct btw. Yes, pitch issues is kind of my mo. Thank you!
Neil C - Music aimed for summer is often too much for me. So
is most music by the way. I didn't want no Fun! Fun! Fun! coz
I'm no surfer. I wanted to say that summer is a warm and beautiful
season that reflects my emotions towards my beloved. Thanks!
C-man - No chorus songs tend to happen. Thank you!
Oldbutyet - Thank you!
Martin
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Hi Martin,
I've been away from the forum a while and all of the songs I've listened to since returning have been big old arrangements (and good ones to boot) - this was a lovely change of pace and mood.
Loving the vocal and stripped down delivery.
Very cool.
Digger
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Listening to this I cant believe youre not American!
The simplicity of it is quite appealing & it definitely works...
I realised we got to the end of the song before I heard the title, & that was the bit that stayed in my mind afterwards ... so maybe it wouldve been better to repeat 'Louise' earlier?
If I was in love with someone I think Id be singing their name every 5 seconds :)
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Digga - Well I wanted it to be as simple as possible. Thank you!
Tina - Well. Somethings you just don't want to get worn out.
Thanks!
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Hi mate,
Nice melody as others have said. I really love that last line, "not even the morning can compete with you, Louise." Very nice.
If low quality recording is what you were going for, then you achieved your goal man, but I can't help but wonder if you dressed this up a bit and smoothed out the edges what this would then sound like? I'm really talking about EQ & compression, not so much adding more instruments, as I believe some songs carry themselves better when they are simple arrangements.
Thanks for sharing & goodluck in the comp mate. ;D
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Thank you LostBoy!
I checked the recorded project on my computer
and there is no compression added to the main vocals! :)
I have no problem with a high end sound but this
time it was obvious that the better the sound,
the more of a mood track it would be. I had to
go in a different direction to make the good parts shine.
As far as the competition goes I'd say I'm happy with me
just participating. In a way I might say I even enjoyed it.
Martin
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Hey Martin,
Love that you tried to make it sound like a phone recording in the beach, you need to book a holiday and get the real thing! Made me think of the old rockstar jibe of it taking hours to look like you just got out of bed!
Worked wonders though as I can picture you sitting on a nice rock at the beach playing this along so sweetly.
Felt very warm, lyrically and musically and relatable.
All the best,
Scott
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Martin, I can only echo much of what's already been said above, sweet, simple, vulnerable, touching and gentle, but most of all I enjoyed that you did this with just a soft acoustic backing and nothing more. There's a lot of nakedness here - the topless girls, the stripped down (production?), the openness of a heart full of tender emotions, and it all fits together perfectly. I love Neil Young and you could be his twin vocally.
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Thank you Scott!
My intention was to go for impression more than telling a story. Days floating
together and such.
Thank you Jenna!
For some reason Neil Young is reoccurring in my vocal timbre. The nakedness,
well that's just the Swede in me I guess.
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:D
I knew there was something I failed to mention! My favorite part of this is that you're addressing a stage of life we don't often hear in songs. To me, they're all about youth and beauty and sex and youth and beauty and sex, and this takes us beyond that into new territory, showing us there is positive in life beyond our youth.
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That was the main intention I had when writing the song. Trying to take the fight against the in a way very commercial message that life ends at 25. Either you do your duty and get some kids and become a 247 parent or you start pretending your still 24. Or both. A very dystopian, and mildly put disgusting, way of looking at life in my opinion.
That turned out a bit grumpy...
I love the summer.
And the autumn and the winter and springtime.
I'm fond of ice cream too.
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:D
You're spot on, though. It is a very unrealistic and depressing way of looking at life. And it's not grumpy. It's passionate! ;)
I have this philosophy that our emotions are like an internal rainbow that enhance or play off of each other by their presence and relative placement in the sequence. We have all of these emotions for a reason and that reason served us well instinctually or we wouldn't exist today in the grand scheme of things. To try and bury the negatives in life and only experience the positives would be like dining on dessert at the table and never experiencing the savory or bitter or salty. It would be bland, dull, predictable, monotone. Without the negative there would be no positive. It's just part of life.
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Man, that is a great pop song in there waiting to be set free! One can tell already from the way you strum it in the first verse. Can you feel the driving drums? Hear the ringing Rickenbackers? The BV harmonies in the chorus?
OK, got a little carried away there :-)
But nevertheless, a good song that I think would be stellar in a full setting (but that is my very personal prefs of course).
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Thank you Jambrains!
Yes a standard pop instrumentation would work nice.
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This is kind of folky, similar to Leonard Cohen's work, at least in my opinion. Reminds me a little of his "Suzanne". I notice the rhyme scheme starts out fairly stable with perfect rhymes, then drifts to near rhymes...like you're moving from a stable place to an unstable mood. Subtle and intriguing. Is this the story of an uncertain relationship? Or maybe someone's imagined relationship?
I like how this reminds of my college days. There isn't much to critique, except for me, this is sort of rambly, and I can't quite follow the story. But maybe that's intentional. Some songs are meant to be vague.
Vicki