The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Paulski on May 15, 2017, 02:56:12 AM
-
Yet another ballad - not mastered and still needing tweaks - but maybe can ask you kind folks for some early feedback?
I thank you in advance if you take the time to listen ;D ;D
https://soundcloud.com/paulcanuck/shadow-puppets
Shadow Puppets
Children playing with a light in the hall
Little hands cast silhouettes on the wall
There's a rabbit
There's a camel
There's a frog
There's a cat with funny ears
No, it's a dog
Laugh and giggle, make 'em say crazy things
Make them wiggle, make them bigger, make 'em shrink
There's a rabbit
There's a camel
There's that frog!
There's a cat with funny ears
No! - it's a dog!
Innocence gets lost
Where does it go?
Maybe those shadow puppets know
Life is fleeting, soon I'll draw a final breath
A setting sun peeks through the curtains at my bed
A fuzzy image on my covers now appears
It's a dog. No, it's a cat with funny ears
Innocence gets lost
But it comes home
It's just as I suspected all along
Only our shadow puppets know
Only our shadow puppets know
-
This is lovely.
Just one thing for me...I did think the string pad (?) gave it a slight whiff of Camembert which is a shame because everything else about the song is brilliant...piano, melody, lyric and vocal are all top drawer.
Even a reduction in level of the strings, if you thought they needed keeping?
It's a great song :)
-
Ahh Paul ;D
I wish I'd written this...just fantastic my friend.
A great legacy piece for the grandkids, and I know
you've got loads of them ;D ;D
I was moved ;D You don't have to touch this one
as far as I'm concerned...Beautiful and elegant, just
love it ;D
-
Reading the lyrics I didn't know what to make of it
I knew it had something.
Listening to it was an expected revelation,
and a very enjoyable one at that.
you're one of my favourites on here. Keep on rolling!
-
Hi Paul, you already know from the Lyrics board that I thought the words to this were top notch (the blend of happy/sad images) so great to hear the finished article. I like the delivery too - to me it feels like a classic show tune (I could well imagine this in a 50s movie or on a Broadway stage...). I wouldn't change anything if that's the kind of vibe you were shooting for. First class vocals and piano - nice one.
-
Very moving indeed. Your translation onto the piano didn't lose any of the impact of the lyrics (on the contrary).
I liked the strings during the verses, but not so much in the break around 1'19" or at the end. For some reason for those higher register parts I wanted to hear a flute! (No idea where I got that idea...)
-
Really lovely melody to this one Paul. Fantastic lyrics in my opinion. Great piano, I like,but don't love the strings,which is useless to you really I know. Its a personal pref thing but I like what the strings play but not the type of strings. Otherwise glorious mate! ;D
-
This is outstanding. Your best yet in my opinion Paul. Pure class. The melody is beautiful and interplay between the piano and vocals is wonderful. It is so atmospheric too. Production spot on too. Well done you.
-
Wow Paul,
If Disney are looking for songs....they should be calling you.( maybe this one is too sad for them)
Your piano ballads are always lovely..
Short....but just right
Sandeep
-
This has a lovely melody Paul and I admire your sentiments. Like Sandeep I can just envisage this in a Disney film. You certainly can knock out those melodies
-
Yo Paulski.
I can easily imagine this song on the soundtrack of something like Monsters Inc,you do a fine Randy Newman. :)
Charming and endearing. It manages the subject without being mawkish. I love it.
A quality piece of writing right there,Paul. :)
-
Thanks are due ...
@PaulAds - hey Paul I had to google camembert ;D I had hoped more than a whiff of cheese would be present! ;D Yeah I need to sweeten those strings - there are no effects on them now so hopefully I can ripen that cheese smell a bit. Thanks for the kind words sir!
@Binladeda Hi bin - well that's high praise from someone of your stature ;D Pleased you saw some value in this one. I hope your gran would like it too ;D
@Rightly - back at ya on the favourites thingy ;D Cheers for the kind words.
@PaulyX - cheers Paul and thanks for the nice comments. I don't really shoot for any vibe - most of the time I just shoot in the dark and if I hit something it's an accident ;D But I'll take a movie/show tune comparison anytime!
@adamfarr - thanks Adam. So the strings work in places not in others? good to know. Hope I can improve them all around. If you want a flute though you will have to play it for me ;D
@LostBoy thanks Leo - esp appreciate the piano/lyrics comments. Yep message received on the strings - still learning those ropes..
@mickyplankton - thank you micky - very kind of you to say that. I don't deserve such praise but I'll bask in it shamelessly anyway ;D
@Movin Flavour - cheers Sandeep! "Disney on line one" would be a nice thing to hear ;D
@pompeyjazz Hi John and thanks for that. I always worry my melodies are stolen - I think we all do - but glad to hear it works OK here.
@skub - I love Randy Newman! Putting me in the same sentence as him makes my day! Thank you sir! Now I'm off to google "mawkish"... > ;D ;D
-
Paul you old softie... such a lovely song :)
You are a consummate songwriter...the way this changes from silly to serious, is brilliant & very moving..
Beautiful writing, it is very Randy Newman & i could hear it in the next Toy Story...
in fact I can imagine a new toy to compliment Woody & Buzz called Paulski the piano playing moose! :)
Loved it!
-
Wow . . . this is different!
It sounds like something from a musical - in a good way!
Pros - A very confident recording! Very, very unique and different too. I like that a LOT. I've listened to a few tracks on this site today and this one really cut through everything else and will stand out in my memory. I enjoyed the piano parts loads too.
Cons - It's very short! Some people may like that aspect of it though. It builds very nicely, but I was left feeling a little short changed. A little bit of a guitar part towards the end might have wrapped it up nicely, but maybe that is just a personal thing.
You might like to know - I had a smile on my face from the first few seconds that lasted through. I love to hear people writing things that genuinely break the mould, like this. When I hear a tune like this I know that the writer is using their skills and imagination to write what THEY want their song to sound like - not what they think other people want them to write. Not sure I've entirely articulated exactly what I mean by that there, but I hope you understand anyway!
I'm very, very, very impressed. :-)
-
*stands and applauds*
I remember reading the lyrics and liking how they were both fun and deep and I was curious how it would work in the song. You have a wonderful way of performing where you really put across the feelings of the song through the tone of your voice. It's very mesmerising. And at points this song made me smile and in others it left me reflecting on life. It's so deep and meaningful whilst still being fun and to pull that off I have to applaud you. This is a beautiful piece of music.
-
WOW<Paul! This is amazingly sentimental :) it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside :-*
I think the strings need to be warmer, but other than that, this is a top notch song...lyrics, melody, arrangement and production :o I could hear this in a Disney show as well :) You should pitch it :)
-
This is not my style at all - but Wow what a lovely song - you would have to some sort of hard heart not to be moved by this song - Jim Crochet? came to mind - proper old fashioned songwriting. excellent stuff.
-
I remember seeing these lyrics not long ago and I wondered what they would sound like to music.
You've pulled them off nicely in your characteristic style.
Simple yet thought provoking lyrics.
Your style always sounds very familier to me, yet it's alien in the sense that I wouldn't know where to start in writing it myself.
For this reason I can't suggest much in the way of improvements. The simple arrangement works well with the theme I think.
Enjoyable.
Yodasdad
-
Paul, you do these musical ballads really well and whilst the genre is not my cup of tea you know how to do it. Familiar and professional sounding song to my ears.
:-)
Neil
-
It's classy songwriting Paul and a top notch performance...no nuance missed....you do this kind of thing so well. Should be or have been out there somewhere already...sounds like it should be part of our collective musical history.
I see now that I'm echoing Neil's comment but that's the way it is.
Nothing I can offer as an improvement on this.
-
Hi Paul,
Think someone said on here about could be in a movie, reminds me of Toys story when he meets Jessie,
Could easily be used in film and TV.
Great work.
Andy
-
Hi Paul, you're masterful touch and style is all over this. Very sentimental, bit in a good way! Top notch Paul.
Cheers
Jamie
-
Gotta pay my thank you bill - getting overdue ;D
@tina m - thanks Tina - I'll take a Randy Newman reference any day ;D BTW moose don't have fingers to play.. - oh I get it haha - Is that what Canada's known for? Here I thought it was hockey ;D ;D
@Graemepryce - cheers Graeme - very kind of you! I think I know what you mean - and I'm happy the song came across that way. I agree it's shorter than most ballads - I'd rather too short than too long though ;D thanks again.
@Darren1664 - thank you Darren. I've never been called mesmerizing before - that's a first ;D, but I'm glad you liked it.
@crystalsuzy - thanks Suzy - where do I sign up for that Disney contract? I have a friend who works there - Mickey something. Cheers for the kind words from the west.
@Morefrog Jones - thanks MJ - means even more coming from someone that doesn't follow the genre (whatever the genre is..)
@Yodasdad Thank you Yoda. You're not the first to say my stuff is alien ;D As long as it doesn't alienate I'm good. ;D
@Neil C - thanks Neil - appreciate you listening and commenting!
@Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra - cheers Ian - means a lot from someone who knows the genre too ;D I always fear I'm going to hear the same melody in a mall or sth and say "Oh that's where I stole it from!" ;D Or maybe I'll just say "They must have travelled into the future and stole it from me - yeah that works better..
@Cawproductions - thanks Andy - much appreciated@
@Jamie - Thanks Jamie - sentimental is just what I was going for in a melancholy sort of way ;D
Hope I didn't miss anyone - if I did, well thank you too ;D ;D
-
Wow, I really got goosebumps from this. So beautiful music and such sad but moving lyrics. Just perfect!
Bye Wolfi
-
I enjoyed that. Reminds me of Randy Newman :)
-
Beautiful song Paul, would stop an audience from talking.
Find a bar with a piano in it and play your songs live, magic 8)
-
I'm sure others have remarked on its Disney vibe. Its. Not really my area of expertise but it is..... Beautiful
-
@Wolfini - very kind of you to say that - thanks!
@Fhaos - will take a Randy Newman reference any day - thanks ;D
@Oldbutyet - cheers Pat - might stop 'em from talking but won't stop 'em from leaving ;D
Seriously though appreciate the kind words ;D
@Andyb - thanks Andy - not my area of expertise either but glad you liked it.
..and thanks again to all who listened and commented ;D
Paul
-
I agree with what people have said about it being perfect for a Toy Story film. Very arresting within the first few seconds and beautifully recorded. I'm not sure about the lyrics - to me they dance along the line between sentimental and slightly schmalzy, probably staying just about on the right side. I think the overtly stylised vocal helps with that - you sort of get away with it by virtue of not pretending to complexity.
-
I really have nothing useful to add, but I did want to get my accolades in. So just multiply all the nice things everyone else already said (sorry I'm so slow, they all got in front of me!) by one more. ;D
Vicki
-
Hi Paul,
Wonderfully melodic, if not my cuppa.
Can't argue with the craft you've put into this. Totally nails the musical type of song.
There must be a massive market for this sort of thing. As others have mentioned - Disney type stuff.
Quality piece.
Digger