The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: Darren1664 on May 14, 2017, 04:57:08 PM
-
Hey
So I seen the summer competition and thought I would have a go at writing a song for it as I have never written to a topic like that before. I started mushing some chords together and it wrote itself kind of by accident. I didn't draw from any personal experience on this and decided to come up with a story. As I pieced the lyrics together I got drawn to the idea of this being about someone who had a partner just for a summer but wanted it to be more and it never happened. He's somebody who desperately wants love and has sacrificed his own happiness in it's pursuit. So anyway, here it is...It is by no means finished and a few errors in the tracking (guitars and vocals) but hey ho there was less mistakes than usual so I thought I'd roll with before I lose too much time faffing around.
Feed back on both song and lyrics very welcome. Thank in advance and I will make sure that I get around to listening and reviewing some more over the next weekend (sorry been a tad busy)
https://soundcloud.com/user-41129754/summer-lover
The lyrics:
He was sat on the beach in the summer
When something shaded his eyes
It looked like his former lover's
Silhouette against the sky
But it wasn't them at all
Just another person catching a ball
The situation made his recall
His summer lover
Last summer, when they got together
They were having the time of their lives
Then he mentioned forever
and something changed in their eyes
And it wasn't meant to be at all
Just another guy dropping the ball
In his search for someone to call
His Autumn, Winter, Spring and Summer Lover
He wants somebody to love
He wants somebody to love
He wants somebody to love
He wants somebody to love
This summer, he's going to take it easy
Mr cool, calm and breezy
Just this side of sleazy
and a little bit left of cheesy
and he's going to have himself ball
and let the chip land where they fall
and might just find someone to call
Summer Lover His forever lover
He recalls his Somer Lover...
-
Hi Darren,
both the lyrics and the music work for me. Definitely put a smile on my face.
The music could do with being a little louder but that may be just my system.
I look forward to hearing the finished song.
Keith
-
Hi Darren, there's loads to like about this song, quirky, catchy and clever lyrics. I think your vocals need to go into the mix a bit. I'd love to have a crack at producing this. If you are interested, PM me. Couldn't stop staring at those weird teeth though. Cheers John
-
Darren this is mega catchy you know...
the way you sort of rap the verse & sing the chorus works realy well
Its crying out for a bass line tho, & the guitars need turning up...but I actually like it the way it is bcos its so different mixed like this
it reminded me a bit of John Otway who my husband likes
-
Keith, John and Tina....thank you so much for your kind reviews...I really appreciate the feedback!! And I'm glad you've seen some potential in this!
Kieth - I'm glad this made you smile and completely agree with your comments on the mix!
John - in regard to you wanting to produce this I am delighted! Thank you so much...I will pm you shortly ;)
Tina - yes a bass line! Exactly what I have been thinking! I have a bass just need to replace the old rusty strings on it and can start adding some funky bass! Will sort this on the weekend :)
I'm one step closer to my first finished song :P
Thanks all
Darren
-
Yeah...quirky and catchy...very nice!
A bit of production work on this and you could have something really excellent on your hands
Nice writing :)
-
This has got potential - needs a singer to bring the best out of it but i think a speaking bit included might work. Will be interested in hearing this a little further down the line.
-
Paul and more frog - thank you very much for the reviews. I do struggle with the singing but will give it another go and see if I can nail it a bit better ;)
-
Hey Darren, I thought this had potentially to be uber funky. The rhythm of your strumming in the verses might work really well with a 'wetter' guitar sound too. Bit of walking disco-esque bass and I'd be shimmying around the kitchen to this. Like the 'cheesy' / 'sleazy' couplet a lot too. Looking forward to hearing the end result. :)
-
Hey Darren, I thought this had potentially to be uber funky. The rhythm of your strumming in the verses might work really well with a 'wetter' guitar sound too. Bit of walking disco-esque bass and I'd be shimmying around the kitchen to this. Like the 'cheesy' / 'sleazy' couplet a lot too. Looking forward to hearing the end result. :)
Thanks Pauly!! Well today is the today I've set myself the task of retracking....I have restrung my bass so will attempt a disco-eque bassline but I ain't holding my breath :P
Thanks for the feedback mate :)
-
As Tina said this is a really catchy number right from the off. That guitar riff and the beat get you straight away.
You've got a month to refine it......get the vocal set back and whatever and you've got a real contender here I reckon.....hard for anyone to not like this I would think.
-
Great lyrics and really funky feel. Loads of potential here. Maybe seat the vocals into the mix a little bit more (basically bring the music up in volume!). Great fun!
-
Hey Viscount and Delboy
Thank you both for your kind reviews. I have been fortunate enough to have pompyejazz help with finishing this off and for the first time ever I have a finished song :D ...I'm very pleased!
I will lock this thread and move this to finished songs. Thanks everyone