The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: Vintage54 on May 08, 2017, 09:19:29 PM
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First off, apologies for going Awol, not been around for a couple of months or so.
The reason, life got in the way. A job loss for one, just not had time to login or
produce new work. But things are back on an even keel again. I'm sure i've
missed lots of good stuff while i've been away, but i'll catch up. Just started writing
again about five days ago, and came up with this. Hope it meets with your approval.
Doing Time
From the first breath we take
Down to the last
With every grain of sand
That slips through the glass
From the crack of early dawn
To the stars that shine
We're all doing time
We're all doing time
Our ways like handcuffed leaves
Will never be free
All we can do is just grow
Till we fall from the tree
Even the wild winds that blow
And the mountains that climb
Are just doing time
Are just doing time
Life is some kind of sentence without reason or rhyme
From the maternity room to the mortuary sign
We all rely on dreams
To encourage the soul
It's the only way to escape
When there is no parole
Whether it's just for a year
Or ninety nine
We're all doing time
We're all doing time
We look for friendly faces
To sit down beside
We reach for loving embraces
To soften the ride
Or it's life in solitary
To the end of the line
And man that's hard time
Man that's hard time
Life is some kind of sentence without reason or rhyme
From the maternity room to the mortuary sign
Some pace between the walls
Of night and day
Some say life may be hard
But i'll dance anyway
If the birds can find some joy
I'm gonna find mine
While i'm doing time
While i'm doing time.
Vintage54
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Nice poetic lyrics, well done. The only phrase that jumps out at me is handcuffed leaves. It's a lovely image, but the rest of the words are steeped in "real" imagery whereas that couplet is a very unusual picture and doesn't fit (IMHO). The idea of leaves and falling from the tree is fine - but handcuffs? Other than that - superb!
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Welcome back Vintage,
like Delboy I think the lyrics are really good and work well with a couple of exceptions.
I like the image of handcuffed leaves. I cans ee what you are saying but I'd have been more direct.
We are like handcuffed leaves
We'll never be free
etc.
To me its a very good way of saying the only escape is death.
The other exception is the first line of the chorus. I'm not keen on "some kind". The song and the rest of the chorus is screaming, to my ears, for a more definitive statement. Life is a sentence without rhyme or reason sounds so much better. I know it may interfere with any melody you have in mind but, to me, it would be worth changing the melody.
Feel free to ignore me if you disagree.
Keith
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How about "tethered leaves"? Just a thought. Like it a lot.
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Johnny Cash appeared in my mind when I read these. I also thought they were strong lyrics apart from the 'handcuffed leaves' image, that was the only one that felt a bit clumsy. I was a pleased you went for a little twist in the last verse and injected some nuance of optimism with the "dancing anyway", otherwise it could have been a bit heavy-handedly bleak. Looking forward to hearing it.
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Thanks guys, for the interest and the input. You all picked up on the parts of the lyric
that gave me the most trouble, that's what i like about this forum, feedback is essential.
I've rewrote the handcuffed line and switched the refrain, i feel they now work better with
the melody i have in mind.
Like leaves chained to the branches
We'll never be free......etc
Between the maternity room and the mortuary sign
Life is a sentence we face without reason or rhyme.
Thanks again.
Vintage54