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Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: SFX on April 13, 2017, 01:33:25 PM
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Would love your thoughts on my new lyrics :)
FREUDIAN SLIP
Body in rebellion, tongue starts to dance
They say the truth hurts given half a chance
It feels divine to hunt and stalk your prey
But this little red herring is running away
Can we just say what we mean?
Tongue twisters round the halo obscene
Fantasy only works with a push and pull
You be the cock and I’ll be the bull
Let it all out baby
I promise you’re safe with me
We can write any story we want
In any font
I’m your sickest confidante
And as this Freudian slip dances across my lips
I hate to admit; I find it hard to stick
To this story
I’m your allegory
And as this glimmer of hope slides through my throat
It’s time to choke on those life lessons never spoke
In this lifetime
The pleasure’s all mine
Leather stretched across lily flesh
The best feeling you ever could detest
If pain is pleasure, to suffer is to gain
And if you’re lucky you can feast on the remains
All these things on the tip of my tongue
Sadomasochism could never be so fun
Don’t stop until the red blood starts to run
Permanent scars are often the most fun
Let it all out baby
I promise you’re safe with me
We can write any story we want
In any font
I’m your sickest confidante
And as this Freudian slip dances across my lips
I can’t resist basking deep in the shift
Of this story
Submission tends to bore me
And as this lasso of doubt fires through my mouth
It pulls you close and that’s how the story flows
With no details to spare
I’m your nightmare
History is a set of lies agreed upon
Well you can write your own
Always be aware of what you’re running from
And you’ll be forever in control
Building like a house of cards
Illicit fountains laboured out of scars
You’ll always think you’re oh so tough
Until that one little slip up
And as this Freudian slip dances across my lips
I hate to admit; I find it hard to stick
To this story
I’m your allegory
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:o
Think that's the first lyrics I've ever read containing the word Sadomasochism, what does a sadomasochist do? beats me.
Your words are very clever maybe it would make a good soundtrack if there's a sequel to fifty shades, I can see a sultry James Bond type female singing it. That's if it can be put to music
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:o
Think that's the first lyrics I've ever read containing the word Sadomasochism, what does a sadomasochist do? beats me.
Your words are very clever maybe it would make a good soundtrack if there's a sequel to fifty shades, I can see a sultry James Bond type female singing it. That's if it can be put to music
That is an interesting idea!
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:o
Think that's the first lyrics I've ever read containing the word Sadomasochism, what does a sadomasochist do? beats me.
Your words are very clever maybe it would make a good soundtrack if there's a sequel to fifty shades, I can see a sultry James Bond type female singing it. That's if it can be put to music
My honest opinion???
Stay away from trying to be a budding Songwriter or Poet :-(
Writing books or electrifying exciting erotic short stories would maybe SERVE you better???
Regards
Jackdaw1888 :-)
Ps...
As for 50 Shades?
All I can offer is a big HA HA.
Try reading REVELATIONS by Robina Jax.
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:o
Think that's the first lyrics I've ever read containing the word Sadomasochism, what does a sadomasochist do? beats me.
Your words are very clever maybe it would make a good soundtrack if there's a sequel to fifty shades, I can see a sultry James Bond type female singing it. That's if it can be put to music
My honest opinion???
Stay away from trying to be a budding Songwriter or Poet :-(
Writing books or electrifying exciting erotic short stories would maybe SERVE you better???
Regards
Jackdaw1888 :-)
Ps...
As for 50 Shades?
All I can offer is a big HA HA.
Try reading REVELATIONS by Robina Jax.
Twill soon be appearing within Bella Magazine.
You will find Jackdaw upon the Acknowledgements
Page of the said book.
:-)
LMAO i have a first degree in creative writing from poetry so thanks for the input lol
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:o
Think that's the first lyrics I've ever read containing the word Sadomasochism, what does a sadomasochist do? beats me.
Your words are very clever maybe it would make a good soundtrack if there's a sequel to fifty shades, I can see a sultry James Bond type female singing it. That's if it can be put to music
My honest opinion???
Stay away from trying to be a budding Songwriter or Poet :-(
Writing books or electrifying exciting erotic short stories would maybe SERVE you better???
Regards
Jackdaw1888 :-)
Ps...
As for 50 Shades?
All I can offer is a big HA HA.
Try reading REVELATIONS by Robina Jax.
Twill soon be appearing within Bella Magazine.
You will find Jackdaw upon the Acknowledgements
Page of the said book.
:-)
LMAO i have a first degree in creative writing from poetry so thanks for the input lol
Your degreeze mean nowt to meeze.
In fact, they are worthless bits of paper that even Edgar Allan Poe or Shakespeare would not even find worthy ... or indeed worthy of perusing?
Jackdaw1888 :-)
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Hi SFX
For me, this was like drinking from a literary firehose.
Some wonderful poetry here (you should try it out on some of the poet forums).
I'm afraid I'd have to suggest you dumb them down a lot for a song though.
Remember a song is 3-4 mins. Can a listener process all these ideas in that length of time? I doubt it.
And remember your lyrical ideas will compete with musical ones as well.
Just my two cents worth - this is a great poem, man ;D but song lyrics need a simple message/theme.
Paul
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'bit savage there jackdaw :-X I personally liked them (very poetic) and a lot better than I could do eh
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'bit savage there jackdaw :-X I personally liked them (very poetic) and a lot better than I could do eh
Really???
Then this pathetic poet come laughable lyricist must be in the wrong place or obviously joined the wrong Forum???
Jackdaw1888
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'bit savage there jackdaw :-X I personally liked them (very poetic) and a lot better than I could do eh
Really???
Then this pathetic poet come laughable lyricist must be in the wrong place or obviously joined the wrong Forum???
Jackdaw1888
Remember we are all here to learn and take notes of other people opinions and critique. And although you can say whatever you feel about it, saying "pathetic poet" or telling him to do something else without even offering constructive criticism is taking the pizz a 'bit.
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i honestly just have to laugh ;D
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Hi SFX
Thought there were some very strong lines in this...
"You be the cock and I'll be the bull"
"The best feeling you could ever detest"
"We can write any story we want, in any font"
... all felt like unusual, fresh and subversive plays-on-words to me. I could imagine Prince coming up with those lines.
I'd have to agree with Paulski though that if you want it to be song not a poem it will be stronger if shorter. For a song I felt there's just too many images going on so I got a bit overwhelmed by the end. I felt if you went through and edited only keeping the lines you are most in love with, you'd have something strong here.
Cheers
Pauly
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i honestly just have to laugh ;D
Hmmm, I have a feeling he can fight so ill leave it :D
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i honestly just have to laugh ;D
Hmmm, I have a feeling he can fight so ill leave it :D
ooh im just terrified! :P
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'bit savage there jackdaw :-X I personally liked them (very poetic) and a lot better than I could do eh
Really???
Then this pathetic poet come laughable lyricist must be in the wrong place or obviously joined the wrong Forum???
Jackdaw1888
Remember we are all here to learn and take notes of other people opinions and critique. And although you can say whatever you feel about it, saying "pathetic poet" or telling him to do something else without even offering constructive criticism is taking the pizz a 'bit.
Erm!!!
Excuse me.
But THIS pathetic poet etc etc was meant in reference to myself.
Not in any way towards the author or creator of the lyrics of the Song he or she has put upon this Forum?
Jackdaw1888
Oh ...
And by the by ...
I myself have no degrees :-(
Jackdaw1888
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'bit savage there jackdaw :-X I personally liked them (very poetic) and a lot better than I could do eh
Really???
Then this pathetic poet come laughable lyricist must be in the wrong place or obviously joined the wrong Forum???
Jackdaw1888
Remember we are all here to learn and take notes of other people opinions and critique. And although you can say whatever you feel about it, saying "pathetic poet" or telling him to do something else without even offering constructive criticism is taking the pizz a 'bit.
Erm!!!
Excuse me.
But THIS pathetic poet etc etc was meant in reference to myself.
Not in any way towards the author or creator of the lyrics of the Song he or she has put upon this Forum?
Jackdaw1888
Woops then I read that wrong sorry, but still dont you think he should stick with it and see more lyrics :o
-
'bit savage there jackdaw :-X I personally liked them (very poetic) and a lot better than I could do eh
Really???
Then this pathetic poet come laughable lyricist must be in the wrong place or obviously joined the wrong Forum???
Jackdaw1888
Remember we are all here to learn and take notes of other people opinions and critique. And although you can say whatever you feel about it, saying "pathetic poet" or telling him to do something else without even offering constructive criticism is taking the pizz a 'bit.
Erm!!!
Excuse me.
But THIS pathetic poet etc etc was meant in reference to myself.
Not in any way towards the author or creator of the lyrics of the Song he or she has put upon this Forum?
Jackdaw1888
Woops then I read that wrong sorry, but still dont you think he should stick with it and see more lyrics :o
No I do not.
Jackdaw1888
-
'bit savage there jackdaw :-X I personally liked them (very poetic) and a lot better than I could do eh
Really???
Then this pathetic poet come laughable lyricist must be in the wrong place or obviously joined the wrong Forum???
Jackdaw1888
Remember we are all here to learn and take notes of other people opinions and critique. And although you can say whatever you feel about it, saying "pathetic poet" or telling him to do something else without even offering constructive criticism is taking the pizz a 'bit.
Erm!!!
Excuse me.
But THIS pathetic poet etc etc was meant in reference to myself.
Not in any way towards the author or creator of the lyrics of the Song he or she has put upon this Forum?
Jackdaw1888
Woops then I read that wrong sorry, but still dont you think he should stick with it and see more lyrics :o
No I do not.
Jackdaw1888
Yes you do!
-
'bit savage there jackdaw :-X I personally liked them (very poetic) and a lot better than I could do eh
Really???
Then this pathetic poet come laughable lyricist must be in the wrong place or obviously joined the wrong Forum???
Jackdaw1888
Remember we are all here to learn and take notes of other people opinions and critique. And although you can say whatever you feel about it, saying "pathetic poet" or telling him to do something else without even offering constructive criticism is taking the pizz a 'bit.
Erm!!!
Excuse me.
But THIS pathetic poet etc etc was meant in reference to myself.
Not in any way towards the author or creator of the lyrics of the Song he or she has put upon this Forum?
Jackdaw1888
Woops then I read that wrong sorry, but still dont you think he should stick with it and see more lyrics :o
No I do not.
Jackdaw1888
Yes you do!
Let's just ignore him for now, he's a troll with no self-awareness, i would rather we all focus on why we are here :)
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'bit savage there jackdaw :-X I personally liked them (very poetic) and a lot better than I could do eh
Really???
Then this pathetic poet come laughable lyricist must be in the wrong place or obviously joined the wrong Forum???
Jackdaw1888
Remember we are all here to learn and take notes of other people opinions and critique. And although you can say whatever you feel about it, saying "pathetic poet" or telling him to do something else without even offering constructive criticism is taking the pizz a 'bit.
Erm!!!
Excuse me.
But THIS pathetic poet etc etc was meant in reference to myself.
Not in any way towards the author or creator of the lyrics of the Song he or she has put upon this Forum?
Jackdaw1888
Woops then I read that wrong sorry, but still dont you think he should stick with it and see more lyrics :o
No I do not.
Jackdaw1888
Yes you do!
Let's just ignore him for now, he's a troll with no self-awareness, i would rather we all focus on why we are here :)
Hmmm?
Me kinda thinks that the Moderator of this Forum should remove the above mentioned 'accusation' and its sad comment soonest!!!
Regards
Jackdaw1888 :-)
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i like these lyrics - probably way too many for a song but i have some music i could put some of these too.
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'bit savage there jackdaw :-X I personally liked them (very poetic) and a lot better than I could do eh
Really???
Then this pathetic poet come laughable lyricist must be in the wrong place or obviously joined the wrong Forum???
Jackdaw1888
Remember we are all here to learn and take notes of other people opinions and critique. And although you can say whatever you feel about it, saying "pathetic poet" or telling him to do something else without even offering constructive criticism is taking the pizz a 'bit.
Erm!!!
Excuse me.
But THIS pathetic poet etc etc was meant in reference to myself.
Not in any way towards the author or creator of the lyrics of the Song he or she has put upon this Forum?
Jackdaw1888
Woops then I read that wrong sorry, but still dont you think he should stick with it and see more lyrics :o
No I do not.
Jackdaw1888
Yes you do!
Let's just ignore him for now, he's a troll with no self-awareness, i would rather we all focus on why we are here :)
Okay.
I now fully understand the Rules of this Forum.
So as it appears to be okay to label a fellow member a TROLL and use your your allies in attempts to ridicule him/her etc etc...
May I offer this...
Your Degreeze mean nowt to Meeze.
And by the by...
Your Lyrics are laughable, lacking, lost, lamented, and leave a alot to be desired!!!
Jackdaw1888
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I can't even work out how this little spat started - but could you please just draw a line under it and stop the bickering/one upmanship
Pleas ensure all responses / critiques are CONSTRUCTIVE
I am not interested in finding who was at fault etc. Please just play nicely from this point on
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Okay.... now that the drama has died down, ABOUT YOUR LYRIC.
I liked what you wrote. It actually is too complex for a song, but that doesn't mean a song could not come from it.
A lot of your lines are begging for music. Not all of them, but a lot of them. If I were to take it upon myself to add music and had carte blanche to do so, I'd be doing a lot of "addition by subtraction" to get to a lyric that the average person could identify with.
Of course, if your audience is "exceptional educated people only" then it's just fine the way it is. . . but that's a pretty small audience.
I am NOT volunteering to add music to this. But I am absolutely convinced that there IS a song in this poem. A very good song. It's just a matter of digging it out.
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Hi,
Excellent poetry as usual, not least the last quatrain. But too wordy as usual, that's presumably the style you want, but the reader/listener will get lost in the density.
That's a good offer from Morefrog, I'd like to hear your lyrics to music.
john
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Okay.... now that the drama has died down, ABOUT YOUR LYRIC.
I liked what you wrote. It actually is too complex for a song, but that doesn't mean a song could not come from it.
A lot of your lines are begging for music. Not all of them, but a lot of them. If I were to take it upon myself to add music and had carte blanche to do so, I'd be doing a lot of "addition by subtraction" to get to a lyric that the average person could identify with.
Of course, if your audience is "exceptional educated people only" then it's just fine the way it is. . . but that's a pretty small audience.
I am NOT volunteering to add music to this. But I am absolutely convinced that there IS a song in this poem. A very good song. It's just a matter of digging it out.
i agree with what you are saying, but my problem is i dont see why i should have to dumb myself down because someone might not understand, if you get what i mean? not in a bad way, i just feel that artists should be able to write about what they want and if someone wants to get it but doesn't they can educate themselves? i agree it is a bit too complex though and could have a lot subtracted.. do you have any suggestions? :)