The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: Royston on March 06, 2017, 11:20:24 AM
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This is a song I wrote a while back (music already written for this) about not have much luck on the romantic front and therefore feels they still waiting for the sun to shine in their life.
Waiting For The Sun - Lyrics & Music Royston
Instrumental intro
Verse
I've travelled down many roads in my life
Wishing that one would lead me in the right direction
Had so many disappointments in my life
And the mirror on the wall that shows no reflection
I wish my life would change, so that I could see
Clear blue skies and the sun smiling down on me
Chorus
Whenever I meet that special girl
Every time I tell myself she's the one
But then it all goes wrong
And once again I'm left waiting for the sun
Yeah, I'm still waiting for the sun
Verse
They say that everything comes to those who wait
But I feel I've waited far too long
Why are some handed everything on a plate?
And the rest of us have to struggle on
Chorus
Whenever I meet that special girl
Every time I tell myself she's the one
But then it all goes wrong
And once again I'm left waiting for the sun
Yeah, I'm still waiting for the sun
Instrumental Break
Verse
I thought that life would be equally shared
The cards upon the table dealt fair and square
Why do lovers break the the hearts they love?
I always thought the lord above played fair
I wish my life would change, so that I could see
Clear blue skies and the sun smiling down on me
Chorus x 2
Whenever I meet that special girl
Every time I tell myself she's the one
But then it all goes wrong
And once again I'm left waiting for the sun
Yeah, I'm still waiting for sun
Waiting for the sun
Oh, I'm still waiting for the sun...
(C) Royston Hackers
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Hi,
Nothing wrong with the lyric, although I felt the non-reflecting mirror was a bit of a shoe-horn rhyme. A non reflecting mirror's a window :). The song might all be in the melody, but there's nothing jumping out of the lyrics to grab my attention, perhaps a para that explored why his/her relationships keeps failing would add some colour. As I said, it might all be in the melody, in which case please ignore. I've written similar, so not a criticism.
Mike
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Hi Royston,
I like your words, tells the story well.
The only things that caught my attention for a potential change are minor. I'm not keen on the line "if only life would change". I'm not sure why it just doesn't seem to be in keeping with the rest of the words.
The second line is in the second verse "And the rest of us left to struggle on" I think there's too many lefts in the song and you could replace it in this verse with "have" or get rid of the generalisation and make the line more personal.
If you disagree please ignore me.
Looking forward to hearing the finished song.
Keith
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In agreement with other posters about the mirror on the wall line - feels out of place
Good hook - love the third verse
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Hi,
I really like what you've done with the song and story. The weakest part is definitely the first verse. It feels too verbose; like you added words to pad the lines. I'm not entirely sure why I feel that's the case since the lines are similar in length to the other two.
I would change the last line to 'Like a mirror on the wall with no reflection'. That makes the last two lines flow a lot better.
The second line in verse 1 is also too long but I'm not sure how I would fix it. It's a great song otherwise and I can really relate to both the overall message but also the specific imagery.
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Just ignore if I'm interfering, but you could change the first very to something like this if you weren't wedded t the mirror thing.
Mike
Verse
I've walked down many roads in my life
Hoping that one would lead me to a better place
Had so many disappointments, that's a fact (or 'too much strife' if you wanted the rhyme)
Like a skimming stone that flies and sinks without a trace
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I won't repeat anything the others have mentioned, but here's one I haven't seen addressed. The first line in the chorus: Whenever I meet that special girl. Using "that" implies one specific person, so I suggestion considering using "a" instead. Also, since I am no fan of calling adults "boys" and "girls", I would change "girl" to woman. It adds one syllable to the line, but the extra is a final weak beat which should be easy to include.
The second line is okay as is, but it might be just as good, possibly even better (but I don't guarantee it) if it went, "I always tell myself that she's the one." Which would then give you:
Whenever I meet a special woman
I always tell myself that she's the one [or: "I always tell myself, yeah, she's the one"]
But then it all goes wrong
And once again I'm left waiting for the sun
Yeah, I'm left waiting for the sun
So, just a couple thoughts, in case they appeal to you.
Vicki
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Hi Everyone
I have been away for a week or so hence the delay of thanking you for reading my lyrics and for posting your views and suggestions much appreciated.
The song is due to enter the studio to start the recording process by a friend of mine so I will take note of your suggestions and have a re think on this thanks again for you input.
Cheers
Royston
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Hey Royston! ;D
I think lot's of us have said what I was thinking, and I agree with them. Maybe it's me, but the verses and the chorus don't connect. I feel like the chorus is it's own thing, while the verse is like separated from the chorus. I don't know, it just feel like that.
Hope that helped!
Kyle
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Agree with a lot of the comments in this thread. I think I need to hear this set to music to see how it works.