The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Jamie on February 18, 2017, 12:00:16 PM
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https://soundcloud.com/jamie1802/you-dont-want-to-know
Hi all, a new guitar based indie rock song. The author and commentator Robert Harris said 'nobody wakes up at 4 am for a good reason'. This song is about those moments when hope is not in abundance and you can only see the problems, that are always multiplied by not being able to do anything about them at that time. I wanted a guitar solo in the outro, but started to have some 'latency' issues and decided to leave it. I've had some real problems with this in the past.
Anyway, what do you think? All constructive comments welcome!
Cheers
Jamie
You don't want to know
And when they come, they come before dawn
You try to hide coz it won't be long
Makes your skin crawl the grinding of bones
When the time comes you'll be all alone
You might need some time to understand
Thrown in the pit with the rest of the damned
As doll like eyes stare from your head
You take your place with the rest of the dead
Chorus
Look out at night while you're asleep in your beds
Take the loose ends, don't pull on the threads
Sew up your eyes so you don't see a thing
You don't want to see what the demon will bring
The crows will come and pick out your eyes
Twist in the wind, dissemble your eyes
The kick you need to tell you you're alive
A loaded gun for your suicide
Chorus
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Dark lyrics...made the hairs on my neck ..well, fall out actually!! ;D
acoustic geetar is excellent and your lead has just come in.....nicely done lead Jamie..
harmonies come in just at the right time..was gonna say..where's the harmonies!!!
just got realy heavy..love it!!!
this is a great piece of work Jamie..well done, love the hiss at the end!!
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Hello!
I like the song.
My first impression is that the song has a The Wall vibe to it.
Dreamy in a way. Sad in so many ways.
My ears tell me that the song goes in a too high key for your
vocals. Dropping it a full step, and yes redo all the guitars, would
most likely give your vocals a bit more strength.
Cheers,
- Martin
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Lyrics are everything anyone could ask for, beautiful story.
Guitar/bass played nice and fits wonderfully with the haunting vocals.
Really enjoyed the unusual chords. The interesting progressions work well together, to me.
I think the sound of frets might be a little overpowering in some places.
I agree with Martinswede about the song being in perhaps a slightly too-high key for you.
Towards the end the second guitar solo got a little repetitive to me. I think in retrospect I preferred it at the end as opposed to the middle and I would probably cut one so the effect isn't minimised. (Bear in mind this genre isn't my speciality, so take that with a pinch of salt!)
I feel the sound should end on that last distorted electric guitar note and fade from that...
Overall a really solid effort!
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Enjoyably Dark ... Leonard Cohen with a higher pitched voice (and a better lead guitar player)!
Great work, thanks
Kevin
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Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your pillow tight
Exit, light
Enter, night
Take my hand
Off to never-never land....shades of Metallica's Sandman in the topic.
Cool song Jamie. 8)
There's a bit of cable/connection noise at the very ending,but aside from tidying that,the song sounds great to me,love the monstrous guitar solo,bang on message.
I liked the pitch of the vocals just as they are,I think bringing the song down may lose that wide-eyed effect the 'on edge' vocals deliver so well.
Off for another listen.
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Hi Kevin, lol at your comment ref hairs on your neck ;D. Love your 'great piece of work ' quote ;D ;D!seems like I'm going in the right direction with build on this one!
Cheers Kevin!
Jamie
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Hi Martin, thanks for listening! Yes I've had comments before about singing at the top of my range, but it isn't universal that people don't like it, so maybe it's just how it is ???. I'm quite happy singing in the higher end of my range ,in fact I like to push in that direction, I just feel more comfortable there!but......what do I know :P.
I'm glad you like the song! That's why we do it I guess!
Cheers
Jamie
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Hi Thomas, glad you commented on the lyric, it's an area I tend to struggle with! You mention unusual chords which is interesting coz of all the songs I've posted this is the one with the most 'standard' maj/minor chord sequences I've ever done. But I'm glad you liked it!
Hi Kevin, thanks for listening! Glad you liked it, yes dark is my default mode ;D. Cool comment on mr cohen, thanks!
Cheers guys it's appreciated!
Jamie
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Hi Skub, thanks for listening, glad you liked it, and I think pushing the range adds a little to the desperation of the subject,(but what do I know!). Don't really know metallicas stuff so well but get the comment ref sandman! Still have tech problems now and again, but I keep trying! :P ::)
Keep listening!
Cheers
Jamie
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Great song Jamie. There is real craft going on here. I enjoy this one a great deal, from the intriguing intro to the very cool song that followed. I'm looking forward to hearing more of the songs that you post!
Paul
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Very darky and moody,
I can hear both the floyd and Metallica influences that have been mentioned.
Great overall sound to this with some nice guitar playing. Some creative melodies to with the chromatic shifts.
Not my area of expertise this style, so I won't offer improvements.
Enjoyed it.
Yodasdad.
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Jamie - I simply loved this, so much that I wanted it to come back for another round at the end. It could happily have done so for me.
I think the "live" acoustic noises were a brave decision and really work well nd give some personality. And the build really kept me interested - one section flows really well to the next.
If I had one comment it might be that you maybe didn't need to say the word "suicide" - the remainder of the lyric paints a dark picture which can go in different ways (political, criminal etc.) and so something subtler might keep those threads going rather than going so directly for that image. Just a thought!
Also I think with all the "eyes" references it might be titled "You don't want to see".
Really really liked this one!
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Hi Paul, thanks for listening! Great comments, thank you 😊.
Hi yodasdad,yes I was aiming for dark and moody. Thanks for the comments on the playing!glad you enjoyed it!
Cheers
Jamie
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Hi Adam, thanks for your great comments! The live acoustic noises were not a choice, if you can cancel them out from a live performance, then I don't know how to do it :P. I guess that shows my lack of technical knowledge. I'm really pleased with the build I think it's one of my best efforts! Yes the suicide line was a source of some thinking, but in the end I felt it didn't change the overall meaning of the lyric but also added to the drama......but what do I know ::) :P!
Thanks again!
Cheers
Jamie
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Hi Jamie
Really liked this one - I'm hearing shades of Yes in your vocals and I wouldn't advice singing in a lower key. Nice harmonies too. I wasn't sure if I liked the fret noise, but then it became like fingernails on the chalkboard which adds to the eerie effect. You could even accentuate it if you wanted too :)
No nits from me - rock on!
Paul
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This is great Jamie. Love the acoustic intro and the acoustic sounding bass riff which is an absolute killer. I love the acoustic scratch sounds that you have retained. This reminds me a lot of Radiohead. Vocals are fragile sounding yet emotional. Great key change for the M8 section :) Second guitar solo - Wah !!!
Can't praise this enough, really different and inspiring
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Hey Jamie,
I'm getting to this one a bit late, but better late than never. There's just so much great music being posted so often, I simply can't keep up.
I wanted to weigh in briefly.... I'm not one to speak to production, so I'll ignore all that stuff. I think your lyric is brilliant. I wouldn't change anything there. You have a couple spots I might have sung slightly differently to move the strong syllables more solidly onto strong beats, but there's only a couple and they don't stick out, probably, for anyone but me.
I noted the difference of opinions regarding the range you chose for the vocal. I like it just as it is. Your voice works so well in those upper ranges; it sounds like you could just go up forever. And my personal opinion is that it works well for the song; it helps the eerie feel.
That's all I have. Great work!
Vicki
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this has an unusual movement about it... baroque ?
it could be really interesting performed by an orchestra actually.
its also quite nice as presented here. nice job.
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Hi Paul, thanks for listening. I've been compared to Jon Anderson before which is of course a huge plus! I'm glad you like the vocals pushed to the higher end of my range :P! I don't know how to take fret noise out of acoustic guitars?! What do I need to do?
Cheers Paul!
Jamie
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Hi John, great comments thanks. I so pleased you mentioned Radiohead they are my favourite band and to be mentioned in the same sentence is cool! Pleased you noticed the key change in the bridge, it's subtle but effective imho!
Cheers John,love your inspirational comments!
Jamie
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Hi Vicki, you are so meticulous in your thinking on lyrics that makes me delighted you made such cool comments about the words in this song. I must be doing something right! Thanks for your kind comments about the vocals, seems they're not for everyone, but that's cool too!
Thanks for listening!
Jamie
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Hi M, I don't know if it's baroque, although I often think that the best songs have elements of classical thinking in them. I might try to do a classical styled version for fun!
Glad you enjoyed it!
Thanks for listening
Jamie
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Yes. Sooooo dark :) But, like lindt 70% cocoa chocolate, i think I like it. Harmonies beautiful, really powerful story telling with the lyrics but also with the guitars painting the picture without words. Haunting and clear vocals, almost innocent sounding - or you wouldn't get away with them i think.:)
A wickedly good, atmospheric and creepy track. I know this was what you were after, so nicely done! :D
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Jamie,
great intro, love it when the bass and drums kick in too.
Vocals sound great, best i've heard.
When the electrics kick in a bit and i'm getting a bit of Floyd - not Keith that is.
Then you get the harmonies vocals and smart melody, more traditional jamie
Solo flies too and then a second pair of guitars great tone
Lots to like here to.
Classy
:)
Neil
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I like the start of the song (intro) with the guitar to me that was well done. melody sounds good, song to me sounds a little back in date maybe 60's 70's but interesting. Over all I would say it was the lyric that stand out the must.
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Hi Caz, wickedly good! I like it! Yes that is what I was aiming for, and yes I am innocent, that's why I get away with it :o. Glad you enjoyed the guitar tones too! Dark is good :o
Thanks for listening
Cheers
Jamie
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Hi Neil, thanks for listening!
Cool comments, thanks. I like a bit of Keith floyd too, where's that bottle of wine :P. I was pleased with the sound of the instruments in this song, I think it's one of my best from the point of view of the sounds suiting the feel of the song ;D. Liking the traditional Jamie comment 8).
Cheers!
Jamie
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Hi Irwin, glad you enjoyed the lyrics that areas always a challenge for me.glad you enjoyed the guitar intro too!
Thanks for listening!
Cheers
Jamie
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Amazingly haunting - I agree with previous comments there's a The Wall vibe about
Amazing bass
Can't fault it
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Thanks for listening Jon, yes a few people have mentioned the bass,it's my fender jazz plugged directly into my focusrite interface, nothing else, but yes it does have a great tone! Of all the pink floyd stuff the wall is probably my least favourite, but hey, any comparison with the mighty floyd is cool!
Cheers
Jamie
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Hi Jamie,
I really, really like the song and the base line is a killer. I can tell that I'm going to learn a lot by listening to your stull. Thanks.
Mike
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Hi Jamie,
Yeah - this is the stuff.
Love the mood. Nice and dark - like walking in fog at times.
Guitar tone for the solo against that back drop is brill.
Liked the vocal melodies - they flow very well.
The fret noise adds something for me - keeps some raw earthiness in there.
Very cool song.
Digger
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Hi mike, thanks for listening, I've learned a lot participating on this forum, and I'm sure you will too! Glad you liked it!
Hi Digger, great comments thanks! I knew if you listened to this it would be ' up your street'! Thankfully I was right ::) :P. Dark is what I was aiming for!
Thanks again guys, great positive comments!
Cheers
Jamie