The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: montydog on February 02, 2017, 03:06:56 PM
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Hello people,
Here's another new one. This is a bit different from my usual style but I hope you think it works OK. Any and all feedback is welcome.
Many thanks
M
https://soundcloud.com/alan-walker-4/if-i-only-had-an-hour-1
If I only had an hour
What would I do?
I could burn these funeral flowers
And send the ashes to you
Or I could take a year
And be long over due
While the long days devour
All that I held true
You know I'd climb an ivory tower
Just to shine your silver shoes
If I had a magic power
I 'd blow away those blues
But I'm a simple man
With nothing left to lose
But my breath is getting shorter
And I'm running out of clues
There's a pain an ancient stain
I can see it in your eyes
But there's no shame, no bitter blame
For every love that dies
I've lived a hundred lifetimes
Walked a thousand avenues
Seen too many lonely people
Kneel in rows of empty pews
I could have made your words rhyme
From your first cry to the tomb
It took a hundred lifetimes
And I still couldn't choose
I've asked the willow if he knows
What it takes to make you stay
A whispered prayer on the morning air
But still you slipped away
My days are passing slower
Feel I'm just drifting through
And today I heard a rumour
That you were leaving soon
Why can't you wait a minute
And recall the sweet perfume
Of the fresh bloom I picked you
On that golden afternoon
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Hi Alan, I'm at work, taking my. break. had a few minutes to read through your lyrics. They flow ever so well. I love the line 'I could have made your words rhyme, from the first cry, to the tomb' It was worth logging on to the forum for that alone. I will listen to your song as soon as I am able.
Paul
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Hey Alan.
Lyrically sublime,this one. After reading the words,it would have taken something dramatic to turn me against the song. The whole piece has a Leonard Cohen feel to it and that's not entirely down to the timbre of your voice,but also the beautiful flow of the words. One could meditate upon them and the hypnotic quality of the track encourages contemplation.
If I were to change anything,it would be to manage the volume of the repeating keyboard,as sometimes it challenges the vocals.
Wonderful stuff mister W. 8)
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I do like a naked vocal like this (I mean uncluttered by instruments, as the vocal mixing is great). The harmonica really complements it well.
The harmonica sections also bring out the melody which is really strong here.
I wasn't so keen on the praying voice which I thought distracted from the main vocal sometimes - I'd use it a bit more sparingly I think. Also maybe "blow away those blues" is not as 100% original as the excellence of the remaining lyrics.
There is some real art in them, I'd say many could take away something different and eqaully powerful which I think is exactly the way it should be.
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Hi Alan
Just stunning.
I was swept up from the moment your vocal started, and your song held me captive throughout. For me, I could imagine this fitting in very well into Dave Gilmour's last album. The instrumentation is spot on to my ears.
I'd be really interested to know about the vocal recording technique here, I.e.the mic, distance from it when you recorded, reverb and other settings, and also about acoustic treatment in the room it was recorded. It sounds sublime. Only if you want to share, of course.
Brilliant stuff.
Bill
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Hi Allan, liking the new direction in arrangement and instrumentation! I too thought of Leonard Cohen when I listened. The lyric had a melancholy feel and the phrasing and flow is really good.Well produced, nice one!
Cheers
Jamie
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Hi Alan. Good to hear you experimenting and pushing some boundaries as it's all too easy to stay in comfort zones. The chanting freaked me out though. I could smell the incense. Keep up that experimentation man
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I was captivated right from the start, with the minimal accompaniment allowing the vocals to really shine through. The melody of each verse has a beginning, middle and end with an unexpected chord (for me) on "send the ashes to you" leading nicely onto the next part of the melody.
The lyrics are haunting, and though I wasn't necessarily sure what each line was really referring to, the overall theme of love and loss is perfectly matched with the melody and production.
Having said all that, I feel there would be nothing wrong it bringing in more instruments later on in the song just to add some variation but then I guess it may take the song to a different place.
A fine example of melody, lyrics and production working together to create a great song.
James
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Lyrics are super but the song didn't do it for me...kept waiting for it to get going..
great work but just not my kinda song I'm afraid..
much respect for moving away from your normal style though my friend..
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Good work. If it was work. It sounds like it just flowed naturally.
The whispers are a bit creepy but its nothing wrong with it. Maybe they
could be better placed in the mix cause I cant really hear whats been said.
I'd like some very sparse drums or percussion with a lot of reverb
to give it even more of an atmospheric sound.
All the best,
- Martin
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That's achingly beautiful, Alan. Your voice is haunting and the harmonica really works well. The weird whispering is a bit spooky but effective.
Bill mentioned Dave Gilmour but I think this is actually more like Roger Waters at his most morbid. That's a compliment :)
cheers,
L
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Hi montydog
Beautiful piece IMHO.
One of yer best. Sounded like Cohen with Neil Young on the harp.
Good call fending the drummer off - works fine w/o him.
I could listen to a whole CD of this kind of stuff if they made CD's anymore :)
Paul
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Great lyrics! Seems all of my comments have already been brought forward by others so let me just say that it is great to see you trying out new directions and doing it so well. And at the same time you are still distictively you. Kudos!
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I'm thinking Pink Floyd. And the song starts building and like a balloon being inflated, it gets a bit bigger and then the harmonica comes in and it's bigger and the bass and it's bigger and the strange backing talking and it's bigger and I'm waiting for a big 'effin explosion of rampant electric guitars and drums to burst the balloon and erm ....they...never...come :'( But still brilliant! Nice one.
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Monty ;D ;D
Just love it my friend.....
Beautiful, sensitive stuff. Impressive ;D
Your work is really taking off, just love
the journey you're on.
I 'get' the Cohen references that have
been made, but it's all Monty to me ;D ;D
Great song....can't wait for the next
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Hi Alan,
Loved the mood.
The simplicity is it's strength for me.
Quality lyrics - my sort of melancholic verse.
Vocal is spot on.
Digger
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In agreement with all of the above. Haunting, hypnotic. Great work.
Chanting - distracted me, but only because of the timing being so different to the song. I thought another song had started playing. But with some tweaks this could work well. (A shorter chant, with less treble, starting in 2nd beat of each line, if that makes sense.)
C
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Hi Alan,
Sorry I'm a bit late - catching up :)
Fantastic lyrics, first verse especially and I picked these out because they are super cool
"I could burn these funeral flowers
And send the ashes to you"
Great buildup also, eases us in gently and it comes off soft and beautiful.
Well done of the vocals they sound really crisp.
Think the prayer bits are quite a nice addition, though I can hear the little bit of feedback as they are coming in so maybe it needs a little work to get rid of that.
Very beautiful and powerful overall, very gripping.
All the best,
Scott.
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Lovely keyboards Alan. They bring so much atmosphere to this song. It’s a good build up too, with the addition of the bass and tambourine. Forgive me for saying but the keys at times do sound a little discordant - an example would be ‘send the ashes to you’ At the word 'you', the keys don’t resolve - I think you just get away with that but it could be improved upon. It happens again at the word ‘blues’. and continues at various times throughout the song. As ever, the lyrics are well written and take the listener on a journey. The harmonica has great impact too. I think it’s already been mentioned that the spoken word, though effective, stretches our attention a little - maybe that could be resolved with a little more focus on panning and volume. Maybe not - as it stands, it is worth exploring options. This is a beautiful song that has tremendous impact.
Paul
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Nice work, Monty. Cracking lyrics and a lovely melody. Wasn't keen on the voices that suddenly appeared in the mix half way through - not sure of the intent there? But that aside a beautiful piece.
Regards
Derek
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Nice chilled out song, reminiscent of Tower of Song in places - I can hear Leonard Cohen singing it an octave lower. :) Lots of space that gets filled in just the right places. Leaves us gliding at the end, wanting more. Lovely.
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This is so beautiful! I don't want to do any nit picking. But I'll force myself to say one thing. I think, if you had said "can't you" instead of "can't chew", it would have been a cleaner sound, more suitable to the ethereal loveliness of the song.
Now, excuse me while I go listen again....
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nothing constructive to add, but just wanted to say i really like it.
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This might be my favorite song I've heard on this forum. Love the restraint throughout. Great execution on combining the keys and harmonica to create a sparse, yet unique sound. The dry, weathered vocals are great in contrast to the ambiance of the music. Great job!
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This has such a pleasant and inviting sound to it. Great somber lyrics.
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I really like this Monty.....great mood....very interesting arrangement. I like the voices that suddenly appear (but, I've done the same thing in a couple of my tunes......some, didn't care for it, either ) ;D
Love the vocal....very captivating.
Good stuff, Man!!
-Tom
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Started out loving the lyric. Then listened, and loved the accompaniment. The vocals were (as always) spot on.
This is my favorite Alan Walker song. No doubt about it.
And so many different ways you could sing this. Like a "fresh slate" musically. Very, very, nice.
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Monty, you've done so much with so little here.
Beautiful.
Simplicity done right.
Loved the harmonica, so much emotion in so few notes.
Well done sir.
Yodasdad
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Hi folks,
Thanks to all the many who commented. Very chuffed with the verdicts as this was a bit experimental.
Monty, you've done so much with so little here.
Beautiful.
Simplicity done right.
Loved the harmonica, so much emotion in so few notes.
Well done sir.
Yodasdad
Thanks man. The lack of notes on the harmonica is down to my lack of ability on the instrument!
Started out loving the lyric. Then listened, and loved the accompaniment. The vocals were (as always) spot on.
This is my favorite Alan Walker song. No doubt about it.
And so many different ways you could sing this. Like a "fresh slate" musically. Very, very, nice.
Thanks hardtwist. Your opinion means a lot. Glad you liked it so much.
I really like this Monty.....great mood....very interesting arrangement. I like the voices that suddenly appear (but, I've done the same thing in a couple of my tunes......some, didn't care for it, either ) ;D
Love the vocal....very captivating.
Good stuff, Man!!
-Tom
Thanks Tom - coming from you, that's a major plus for me.
This might be my favorite song I've heard on this forum. Love the restraint throughout. Great execution on combining the keys and harmonica to create a sparse, yet unique sound. The dry, weathered vocals are great in contrast to the ambiance of the music. Great job!
Wow, your comment made my day. First time anyone's ever said that.
Hey Alan.
Lyrically sublime,this one. After reading the words,it would have taken something dramatic to turn me against the song. The whole piece has a Leonard Cohen feel to it and that's not entirely down to the timbre of your voice,but also the beautiful flow of the words. One could meditate upon them and the hypnotic quality of the track encourages contemplation.
If I were to change anything,it would be to manage the volume of the repeating keyboard,as sometimes it challenges the vocals.
Wonderful stuff mister W. 8)
Thanks skub - so pleased you liked it.
This is so beautiful! I don't want to do any nit picking. But I'll force myself to say one thing. I think, if you had said "can't you" instead of "can't chew", it would have been a cleaner sound, more suitable to the ethereal loveliness of the song.
Now, excuse me while I go listen again....
Thanks Vicki - I appreciate your comments.
Nice chilled out song, reminiscent of Tower of Song in places - I can hear Leonard Cohen singing it an octave lower. :) Lots of space that gets filled in just the right places. Leaves us gliding at the end, wanting more. Lovely.
Several people have compared this to something by Mr Cohen which is fine by me.
Nice work, Monty. Cracking lyrics and a lovely melody. Wasn't keen on the voices that suddenly appeared in the mix half way through - not sure of the intent there? But that aside a beautiful piece.
Regards
Derek
Hi Derek, The talking voice was experimental. Some liked it, some didn't. I was trying to evoke something spiritual and other worldy.
Lovely keyboards Alan. They bring so much atmosphere to this song. It’s a good build up too, with the addition of the bass and tambourine. Forgive me for saying but the keys at times do sound a little discordant - an example would be ‘send the ashes to you’ At the word 'you', the keys don’t resolve - I think you just get away with that but it could be improved upon. It happens again at the word ‘blues’. and continues at various times throughout the song. As ever, the lyrics are well written and take the listener on a journey. The harmonica has great impact too. I think it’s already been mentioned that the spoken word, though effective, stretches our attention a little - maybe that could be resolved with a little more focus on panning and volume. Maybe not - as it stands, it is worth exploring options. This is a beautiful song that has tremendous impact.
Paul
Thanks for the detailed review Paul - your musical ears have a lot less tin in them than mine!
Hi Alan,
Sorry I'm a bit late - catching up :)
Fantastic lyrics, first verse especially and I picked these out because they are super cool
"I could burn these funeral flowers
And send the ashes to you"
Great buildup also, eases us in gently and it comes off soft and beautiful.
Well done of the vocals they sound really crisp.
Think the prayer bits are quite a nice addition, though I can hear the little bit of feedback as they are coming in so maybe it needs a little work to get rid of that.
Very beautiful and powerful overall, very gripping.
All the best,
Scott.
Much appreciate your comments - thanks.
Hi Alan,
Loved the mood.
The simplicity is it's strength for me.
Quality lyrics - my sort of melancholic verse.
Vocal is spot on.
Digger
Thanks Digger. melancholic is the way to go!
Monty ;D ;D
Just love it my friend.....
Beautiful, sensitive stuff. Impressive ;D
Your work is really taking off, just love
the journey you're on.
I 'get' the Cohen references that have
been made, but it's all Monty to me ;D ;D
Great song....can't wait for the next
Thanks Bin - loved your comment about the journey I'm on.
I'm thinking Pink Floyd. And the song starts building and like a balloon being inflated, it gets a bit bigger and then the harmonica comes in and it's bigger and the bass and it's bigger and the strange backing talking and it's bigger and I'm waiting for a big 'effin explosion of rampant electric guitars and drums to burst the balloon and erm ....they...never...come :'( But still brilliant! Nice one.
Not really my style to go rampant with an electric guitar - I'd probably hurt myself!
adamfarr =I do like a naked vocal like this (I mean uncluttered by instruments, as the vocal mixing is great). The harmonica really complements it well.
The harmonica sections also bring out the melody which is really strong here.
I wasn't so keen on the praying voice which I thought distracted from the main vocal sometimes - I'd use it a bit more sparingly I think. Also maybe "blow away those blues" is not as 100% original as the excellence of the remaining lyrics.
There is some real art in them, I'd say many could take away something different and eqaully powerful which I think is exactly the way it should be.
Thanks Adam - your comment on people taking different things from the lyrics is just what I'm aiming for.
Bill Saunders = Hi Alan
Just stunning.
I was swept up from the moment your vocal started, and your song held me captive throughout. For me, I could imagine this fitting in very well into Dave Gilmour's last album. The instrumentation is spot on to my ears.
I'd be really interested to know about the vocal recording technique here, I.e.the mic, distance from it when you recorded, reverb and other settings, and also about acoustic treatment in the room it was recorded. It sounds sublime. Only if you want to share, of course.
Brilliant stuff.
Bill
Hi Bill - many thanks for your kind words. I'll have a good look at my setting on that recording and get back to you via pm.
Jamie = Hi Allan, liking the new direction in arrangement and instrumentation! I too thought of Leonard Cohen when I listened. The lyric had a melancholy feel and the phrasing and flow is really good.Well produced, nice one!
Cheers
Jamie
Thanks Jamie - so pleased you liked it and another Cohen comparison!
pompeyjazz= Hi Alan. Good to hear you experimenting and pushing some boundaries as it's all too easy to stay in comfort zones. The chanting freaked me out though. I could smell the incense. Keep up that experimentation man
I'll try but I do like it in my comfort zone!
jamesh = I was captivated right from the start, with the minimal accompaniment allowing the vocals to really shine through. The melody of each verse has a beginning, middle and end with an unexpected chord (for me) on "send the ashes to you" leading nicely onto the next part of the melody.
The lyrics are haunting, and though I wasn't necessarily sure what each line was really referring to, the overall theme of love and loss is perfectly matched with the melody and production.
Having said all that, I feel there would be nothing wrong it bringing in more instruments later on in the song just to add some variation but then I guess it may take the song to a different place.
A fine example of melody, lyrics and production working together to create a great song.
James
Hi James - yes, I could have brought other instruments in but i wanted to keep a kind of simple chapel feel and the lyrics are meant to be open to each listeners interpretation
shadowfax = Lyrics are super but the song didn't do it for me...kept waiting for it to get going..
great work but just not my kinda song I'm afraid..
much respect for moving away from your normal style though my friend..
No problem. You can't like everything but thanks for listening anyway.
Martinswede = Good work. If it was work. It sounds like it just flowed naturally.
The whispers are a bit creepy but its nothing wrong with it. Maybe they
could be better placed in the mix cause I cant really hear whats been said.
I'd like some very sparse drums or percussion with a lot of reverb
to give it even more of an atmospheric sound.
All the best,
- Martin
Your comments on it needing percussion are interesting especially for this months SOTM !!!
LAquila = That's achingly beautiful, Alan. Your voice is haunting and the harmonica really works well. The weird whispering is a bit spooky but effective.
Bill mentioned Dave Gilmour but I think this is actually more like Roger Waters at his most morbid. That's a compliment Smiley
cheers,
L
Thanks - Roger Waters at his most morbid is high praise indeed....
Paulski = Hi montydog
Beautiful piece IMHO.
One of yer best. Sounded like Cohen with Neil Young on the harp.
Good call fending the drummer off - works fine w/o him.
I could listen to a whole CD of this kind of stuff if they made CD's anymore Smiley
Paul
Thanks Paul - I value your support. I do in fact have a CD full of this stuff......!!!
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Alan,
Sorry for tardy late review.
I really like the tunr and great lyrics. I've grown accustomed to the sparse and different backing from your LP. Your singing suit it too.
Captivating and reflective
:-) neil
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WOW<Alan :o this is definitely one of my favorites of yours, and some of your other songs were pretty hard to beat :)
I think it's the combination of the amazingly poetic lyrics, your beautiful vocals, and that very hypnotic
backing track :) and that haunting harmonica :o
I reminds of L Cohen, except your voice is so much better ;)
I'm blown away by your talent, my friend :)
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I think this is the best song that I've heard on the forum so far. The lyrics are meaningful, exceptionally well sculpted, and the song is absolutely captivating right through to the and. I likes the surprise of the additional voices, which perhaps could drop back a little on the volume, but they need to stay there. The soulful sound of the harmonica was also the perfect choice. Beautiful voice too. 10/10 from me.
Mike
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The electronic element at the beginning puts the stake in the ground that you are doing something different and the rest of the song doesn't disappoint
Your vocal on this is simply STUNNING!
I also really liked that you did something different and I think it paid off in spades
I am not usually a fan of using "spoken word" segments as it tends to be a bit "hit and miss" - for me it is a bulls eye and supports the song beautifully
Someone else already nailed it - the "restraint" is what makes this song so good
An absolutely wonderful piece