The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: Cazrolina on February 02, 2017, 02:01:15 AM
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Hi all,
First time at posting a track here. Eek!
Im looking for advice on lyrics and 2nd verse melody with a work in progress track Not Made of Glass, although I appreciate that the lyrics are pretty simple. But any/all pointers thankfully received.
NB. Nothing is mastered - Im just learning what this is - except for my first ever attempts at compressing anything since the sound cloud upload (holy moly).
Please excuse the volume/levels, and vocals so far as the entire track needs to be 'performed'. Ive just laid down the basics quietly (as the kids were asleep next door, and as I had a cold) but you'' get the jist.
I've got a long way to go, but have learned so much since since I found this forum the day before yesterday that its untrue.
- do i get away with the chorus line "It'll come to a time when it comes to pass"? Not sure whether i need to change one of the come/s to something else...
- will the same melody still work for the second verse as for the first.
- V2 still needs some work I think. Does anything obvious stand out for you as needing a change?
Cheers all,
Cx
https://soundcloud.com/cazrolina-1/not-made-of-glass-work-in
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Not Made of Glass/So Much More/So Much Love
V1
Wandering around your room for a time
You think you’re not but you look just fine
Feel the wind brush against your cheek
The first time you’ve felt in weeks
CH
It’ll come to a time when it comes to pass
Your heavy heart might be shattered but it’s not made of glass
Pick yourself up little girl, get ‘off’ve the floor
We’re waiting for you, there’s so much more
V2
Clear your mind, lift up your head
Change the sheets and make your bed / change the sheets, get out of bed
When you reach out and (you) find your way
Then every macdaddys gonna know your name / Then everybody's gonna want to know your name
Don’t beat yourself up. Gonna make you stand
CH.
It’ll come to a time when it comes to pass
Your heavy heart might be shattered but it’s not made of glass
Pick yourself up little girl, get ‘off’ve the floor
We’re waiting for you there’s so much more
Here’s to us and the things we’ll do
Come around we’re waiting for you
Yeah, It’ll come to a time when it comes to pass
Your heavy heart might be shattered but it’s not made of glass
Why don’t you pick yourself up little girl, get ‘off’ve the floor
We’re waiting for you, there’s so much love/more
(Here’s to us and the things we’ll do
Come around honey, we’re waiting for you
Theres so much love
Why don't you look around the corner, theres so much love)
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I wrote this when a close family member - young, single, based abroad - fell extremely ill and was given a slim chance of surviving the night. Our family members hadn’t left her side in days and it really was very touch and go. She told me later how amazing the fresh air felt on her face when she finally stepped outside of the hospital room. I started to write this whilst she was very ill, wishing her to get better, then added to it. Then considering others that might be down, ill or have a loved one needing some love and tlc to help get well.
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Professional from the beginning. I love all of the musical flourishes that grace this recording. I also think that less is more and am pleased that the strings are omitted for certain sections. Quite unique I'd say. I'm surprised at the use of toms but not disappointed. I note that the bass is very prominent and helps define your style of production. I think that this song is instantly appealing. Well done.
Paul
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Hi Paul,
Thanks so much for the very kind feedback!
Yes, I agree the bass is laid on a bit too heavy. Will some mastering help with this?
Could it be because the bass instrument I chose is near the bottom of its range?
I know i like a heavy bass line, what with being a dance music fan n all. But there are even 2/3 bass instruments playing in places... Will work on lightening this up.
Well, I must be a bass junky :)
Caz
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Hi Caz,
Not got a bad voice have you. The song's good and you should re-record the vocals when you can give full expression (when your kids are awake :D)
Liked it a lot.
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Okay. I'm betting I'm not the only one around here dying to hear that voice of yours let off the leash? Clarity, accuracy, power it's all in there. You recorded that on an iphone? Amazing!
I really like your lyrics but there are things I'd change slightly like the last line of V1 which I'd alter to 'First thing you've felt in weeks' and I'd bring it in much earlier to break up the predictability of the vocal timing.
The chorus first line; 'It’ll come to a time when it comes to pass' is a very strong line but for me, it works better as 'There will come a time when it comes to pass' and I feel that the chorus is not melodically 'different' enough from the verses and without the labels in the lyric I would have thought it was another verse. I think it is the verses that need to be different though. The chorus is fine as is.
You'll do really well out this forum and there are guys here (not me) who could really help you sharpen this up. Actually, I think if you just hire a baby-sitter and blow your nose you'll blow us all away ;)
P.s. ... If you ever want to sing some jazz please call.
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I like this quite a bit...it has a lot of potential. Like someone mentioned earlier, it would be good to hear more of a contrasting melody for the verses.
The chorus is great, and it could easily be a little better by shifting the rhythm slightly to align the word "first" on the strong beat, instead of the word "the". "First" is a much more important word than "the", so should have a more prominent position. And the way you sing the 2nd line of the chorus the first time works better than the way you sing it the second time.
Other than that, I have nothing to add to what's already been said. Great voice! I can't wait to hear it full throttle and without the respiratory woe. ;D
Vicki
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Hi Caz,
Not sure how you have recorded the bass. It does seem to suit s the genre. When I record bass in Logic Pro, I usually shape it with eq, as I do with each instrument. Which program did you use to record this song?
Paul
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Evening all,
The advice here is just superb. Thank you so much for taking the time to give me your views.
Hi Caz,
Not got a bad voice have you. The song's good and you should re-record the vocals when you can give full expression (when your kids are awake :D)
Liked it a lot.
Thanks so much, Radio.
Unfortunately my little'uns seem to be awake pretty much all the blooming time since the weekend.
One word - Croup. Another word - Raaaaaaaarghghghghghh.
But I should have myself a mic soon and am still in good spirits. Coffee is my new middle name. As is adrenaline.
Who needs sleep anyways :)
I really like your lyrics but there are things I'd change slightly like the last line of V1 which I'd alter to 'First thing you've felt in weeks' and I'd bring it in much earlier to break up the predictability of the vocal timing.
The chorus first line; 'It’ll come to a time when it comes to pass' is a very strong line but for me, it works better as 'There will come a time when it comes to pass' and I feel that the chorus is not melodically 'different' enough from the verses and without the labels in the lyric I would have thought it was another verse. I think it is the verses that need to be different though. The chorus is fine as is.
Thanks heaps, ShinyThang. Some seriously spot-on suggestions suggested.
I feel the same about the melody issues. I think I started this song with the initial v1 melody, which then evolved into a half chorus/half verse 1st chorus as i wrote it, building up a bit towards something a bit different at the end, once i added music.
When i typed all the lyrics up in the thread, i didn't know whether to put the 1st chorus down as a verse or a chorus, then thought id await thoughts from those with experience, like your good self, to help clear all this up. Agreed. Needs to evolve, with clear difference between verses and chorus.
Im toying with a slightly lower melody for the verses. The chorus also needs some more vocal pizazz. I think i'll get the trusty old keyboard out and play along to see what comes out of my head.
The blow your nose comment made me smile a lot :) But I think that both my head and nose are probably full of coffee at the moment. lol. I hope i don't spill any on the keyboard ;D
(Its past midnight and I'm now writing the second part of this message with a feverish 2 year old on my lap, watching "twirlywoos". Rock and roll, baby. )
I like this quite a bit...it has a lot of potential. Like someone mentioned earlier, it would be good to hear more of a contrasting melody for the verses.
The chorus is great, and it could easily be a little better by shifting the rhythm slightly to align the word "first" on the strong beat, instead of the word "the". "First" is a much more important word than "the", so should have a more prominent position. And the way you sing the 2nd line of the chorus the first time works better than the way you sing it the second time.
Hi Vicki,
Huge thanks for the excellent suggestions. Totally in agreement on the melody issues.
Important words having centre stage i.e. on a beat - that makes so much sense! I hadn't thought of the placement of lyrics in that way before. Well, you are the lyrical genius after all :) Invaluable tips there. Thank you so much! Im learning tons of really helpful things on here.
Not sure how you have recorded the bass. It does seem to suit s the genre. When I record bass in Logic Pro, I usually shape it with eq, as I do with each instrument. Which program did you use to record this song?
Paul
Hi Paul,
Garageband, recorded on the iPhone keyboard. I haven't attempted anything with eq on a track yet. I will have a search on trusty old google and then give it a whirl. (or a twirlywoo!! :)
Thanks again
Cheers all. It appears i have some homework...
Cx
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Caz - was really surprised when listening - you shouldn't play this down - it's a catchy song with a great chorus and dance influences - if you get this from a quick sing into your phone we'll be blown away when you really get moving.
The "comes" is totally not a problem and is the type of contrast that pop lyrics thrive on. Agree that it should be "There'll come a time" or similar... I liked the description of feeling the wind - those things are really helpful to make lyrics relatable. And don't lose too much of that bass...
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Hi Caz, This is very catchy. Blimey if that's what you can do when you're singing very quietly I'm really looking forward to hearing you giving it full whack :) Recording vocals at home is a problem that I think a lot of us have. While everything else can be recorded "silently" you just can't do that with vocals. I've got loads of vocal takes with dog barks and opening doors etc etc..... I've left some of them on as weird sound effects.
I think this song is very well put together and arranged and it's different from conventional dance. I think you've got a good one going here :)
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I'm no expert on the genre so can't really offer anything and anyway you've had loads of advice from others.
Just wanted to say that it gripped me immediately and the chorus works big time!
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Caz - was really surprised when listening - you shouldn't play this down - it's a catchy song with a great chorus and dance influences - if you get this from a quick sing into your phone we'll be blown away when you really get moving.
The "comes" is totally not a problem and is the type of contrast that pop lyrics thrive on. Agree that it should be "There'll come a time" or similar... I liked the description of feeling the wind - those things are really helpful to make lyrics relatable. And don't lose too much of that bass...
Hi Adam,
Thank you so much for your great comments and kind words. Agreed - once the snuffles have 'jogged on' I can make the "There'll" tweak etc when re-recording.
Love the relatable comment - Again that is something i hadn't considered when writing. Will remember that!!
Hi Caz, This is very catchy. Blimey if that's what you can do when you're singing very quietly I'm really looking forward to hearing you giving it full whack :) Recording vocals at home is a problem that I think a lot of us have. While everything else can be recorded "silently" you just can't do that with vocals. I've got loads of vocal takes with dog barks and opening doors etc etc..... I've left some of them on as weird sound effects.
I think this song is very well put together and arranged and it's different from conventional dance. I think you've got a good one going here :)
Hi Pompeyjazz,
Wicked sound effects ideas, hehe. Oh, here's to the joys of home studio limitations. ;D
Thank you so much for your kind comments. Much appreciated.
I'm no expert on the genre so can't really offer anything and anyway you've had loads of advice from others.
Just wanted to say that it gripped me immediately and the chorus works big time!
Hi Viscount Cramer,
Thanks! Most kind of you to say so. I really hope to tighten this up, following everyones superb suggestions.
Cheers again for all your help, folks. And a Happy Thursday to you all.
Cx
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Really cool! I love the arrangement, great choice of instruments. You play it all or program it in? It all feels very natural.
Lyrics - When listening, I didn't feel a need to change any lyrics... When reading, I wonder about 'change the sheets, make the bed' it's so much of an instruction, and so 'normal', which is at odds with the really grooving moody track BUT maybe that's a really good thing.
I enjoyed the whole melody, nothing I'd suggest changing at this stage... but I think when you sing out rather than quietly kind of mumbling it, then maybe some changes might become apparent...hard to say.
I reckon this is a cracking song and your voice is fantastic (feel like singing on one of mine sometime? Seriously) ... I mean you're mumbling it a bit now but the quality of your voice is obvious to me. Lots of soul.
I'm interested to hear this again as it develops. Really good tune!
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Hi Monostone,
Thanks so much for the kind words and feedback :)
I played the instruments mainly using my phone, programming in the odd few keys when the keyboard size became a problem, playing the wrong keys then moving them about after. Corrected timing on the odd bit of the percussion, once i transferred tracks from my phone to my computer and learnt what to do, but left almost all of the rest as it was.
I think you're right on those V2 lyrics. Need a rethink on that too.
In the recording i was filling in with any old ruddy nonsense but I was thinking about something to do with 'looking after number 1', as my family member is very good at looking after number one... but I don't want it to feel insulting... :)
Need to leave it alone and see what comes out of my brain after a day or two of not looking at it.
Would love to have a bash at collaborating sometime. Really loving your work.
I'm having a go at my first ever collaboration at the moment but once finished, and i've bagged me an actual mic, I'll be a bit more ready to go. I am raring though. :) Drop me a message if there's ever anything in mind.
Will get this track rerecorded in the not too distant future. Hopefully once all childhood illnesses have been banned... Well, heres hoping.
Still hoping...
Cheers again!
C ;D
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Really really like it - grabs you from the beginning! Great sultry voice! Love the arrangement and structure.
You have a really great voice and I feel that there is more power and depth in your voice that comes across in the recording. Some tips to unleash that great voice I feel is hiding behind the recording:
- Try recording the vocals three times, one in the centre with a high shelf EQ from say 5K to make it more present and put a little more compression on it as you have in the recording. The other two, pan one about 60% L and one about 60% R, not as much high self EQ (so not as present), and 4-6 dB lower in volume (to start). This will add a cool chorus effect and bring that sultry voice even more to the front.
- Like above, some more compression
- Consider some harmonies, although not essential because you have alot of power in your voice.
Keep it up, and I would love to hear any revised versions and new material!
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Hi Jon,
Thanks so much for the extremely helpful message and kind feedback.
I'm hoping to properly perform and record this fairly soon so this is amazing advice. Thanks so so much for this info. I know i need more oomph and to 'bring it forward' but I don't really know what the bl**dy hell I'm doing with this sides of things yet. I will be picking yours and everyones else's brains in the recording section threads very soon. God help us all... haha.
Yes, i have a loose idea of some chorus harmonies already in my head. Just need to purchase said mic and also now sort out the fact I've almost entirely filled the memory on my computer (almost went pop) and now my phone too. Fantastico!
Thanks heaps for the info. This forum is brill :)
Caz
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I can't believe I'm actually about to post some advice on lyrics, I've got the poetic skills of a brick!
However...
The specific line you asked about,
'It'll come to a time when it comes to pass'
Might work better as
There'll come a time when all this will pass
(this)
(things)
(It)
(It all)
Just an idea.
Great work on the song so far though.
You've got a knack for this style.
Yodasdad.
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I wouldn't worry about the lyrics, there's a post in the bar about terrible lyrics that just happen to have been incredibly successful..so chill with the lyrics. :) :) :)
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I can't believe I'm actually about to post some advice on lyrics, I've got the poetic skills of a brick!
However... The specific line you asked about,
'It'll come to a time when it comes to pass'
Might work better as
There'll come a time when all this will pass
(this)
(things)
(It)
(It all)
Just an idea.
Great work on the song so far though.
You've got a knack for this style.
Yodasdad.
Thanks Yodasdad. Try this I will.
Yes, still toying with this line. It does stick out. Will revisit all ideas when i come to rerecord and try out all the options. Thanks heaps. Force be with you :)
I wouldn't worry about the lyrics, there's a post in the bar about terrible lyrics that just happen to have been incredibly successful..so chill with the lyrics. :) :) :)
Hi Shadowfax. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm part chilled / part virgo - a laid back yet ridiculous perfectionist... So this could go either or indeed both ways.. lol.
Caz
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Very impressed. Got a great groove and with a little bit of work (although I'm not entirely sure what!), this would be a quality track. Love your voice and I personally don't think you need to let rip.