The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: PTCruiser1801 on January 17, 2017, 11:04:24 PM
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Hi everyone,
It has been a while since I posted anything up here. Life is so busy that finding time for music making is becoming more and more difficult. I hope to be able to give some more time to it this year...
I'm glad to see and hear that the standard of music and creativity here continues to impress me every time I get a chance to visit.
This is my new track "I Wish You Could Stay".
https://soundcloud.com/ptcruiser1801/i-wish-you-could-stay
It was inspired by a story I heard recently about a young woman who had a long term illness and one day was given a short time to live. The song tells the story of her and her partner in the last few days of their life together.
Here are the lyrics:
The look in your eyes,
Fills me with dread,
But they don't disguise,
What's going on in your head.
It's hard to dismiss,
But I can't believe,
That it's come to this,
I swore I wouldn't leave.
CHORUS
The light's growing old,
You're drifting away,
It's out of our control,
But I wish you could stay.
Our time has to end,
But I hope it's not today,
You're my best friend,
I wish you could stay.
INSTRUMENTAL
She turns and she cries,
"You know you were the one,
Perfect in my eyes,
For everything that you've done.
I'm sorry that you're here,
And I'm sorry for me too,
All our dreams felt so near,
Now they never will come true".
CHORUS
The light's growing old,
I'm drifting away,
It's out of our control,
But I wish I could stay.
Our time has to end,
And I think it's today,
Remember you're my best friend,
And I wish I could stay.
INSTRUMENTAL
If there's someone that you love,
Go and let them know,
That it's them you're thinking of,
Before you have to let them go.
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Hi PT.
There's a lovely folky feel to the song,which perfectly suits the emotionally charged lyrics.
You voice is lost behind the guitar on occasion,but that's an easy fix as the song is solid.
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This is the second classy folk number I have listened to tonight on the forum. Lovely and mellow, some nice picking going on and well thought out lyrics and song construction. Your vocals suit this so well as well. Good stuff
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Hey,
Wow! This gave me a lump in the throat!
Powerful stuff. Sweet melodically, well played and sung (nice laid back vocal suited the subject perfectly) have to say the genre is right up my street.
But those lyrics…certainly paint the picture, they had me kind of transfixed - Actually in terms of being moved by a song …I use Mike and the Mechanics Living Years as a bit of a benchmark…and this, for me, competes emotionally.
Great Job!!
Phil
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Hi!
Your song really grabs a hold of me. I guess I'm turning sentimental at old age.
Your guitar playing is really nice with only minor flaws. Nothing practice can't
make perfect.
The lyrics are great. Real heartbreaker in a good way.
Your vocals are a bit held back in my opinion. A bit too careful to show
your potential.
Thanks for a great song,
- Martin
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Beautiful song, but desperately sad and hard to listen to in that respect. Difficult subject to say the least. You sing it well, really classy vocals and confident finger picking too. For me, I think your vocals could do with the subtle use of EQ to give it a lift in the high mids where it's competing with the guitar. Look forward to hearing more from you.
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Beautiful. Great guitars and perfect vocals for this tune. Awesome melody :) If you want some constructive criticism I'd just work on getting the timing between voice and guitar more tight. It's up to taste but I'm rather sensitive to timing in vocals... As far as the song goes it's brilliant.
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Hi, nice poignant folk style song. As others have said the vocal gets a bit lost in the mix so could be improved with some techy stuff. A few picking issues to be sorted and it's good to go!
Nice one!
Cheers
Jamie
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Tremendous. I like that the vocal is quiet in places, adds to the emotion of the song. Sung like you mean it and great guitar. Beltin' chorus too. I have no songs like this that could just be sung with an acoustic, and I'm not going to even try and create one after hearing some of the talent on here, well out of my league - envious.
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Such a sad song (in a good way!). Your voice has the fragility to do the lyrics justice and goes well with the finger picking and makes for a heart-wrenching listen. Good that you've had the time to do a new post - looking forward to the next one.
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You captured me with the first few bars of the intro - just beautiful guitar playing
To give that song a little extra "polish" I would suggest revisiting some of the rhymes as some seemed a little obvious/cliche, which clashed a little with the overall high quality of the guitar/vocal performance and the melody
A good track in a similar vein to check out would be Jamie Lawson's "I wasn't Expecting That":
He "gets away" with the more corny/cliche rhymes by following them with the refrain ("I wasn't expecting that") so the listener doesn't "dwell" on the couplet rhyme
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Hi
Very nice playing and a strong, understated vocal.
Melancholy song without being depressing. It communicates the acceptance of the situation beautifully.
I agree with the production comments about the vocal getting a little buried, but as a tune it's great.
Digger
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Love that melody...it's got a very baroque feel to it, perhaps renaissance even. In any case, it reminded me of the kind of song a man might have used to serenade a lover.
The vocals match the guitar nicely and have the same lilting quality as the melody. Well done! This is impressive :)
L
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Hi PTCruiser1801, Nice song, saying that I wish the voice could have been more push out. Lyric very well written as for me. Love the melody, and your guitar playing was pleasure. Thanks for sharing.
Irwin
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Nicely done,
Good picking and lyrics all work, given the subject nature.
Chorus is subtly uplifting and nice with the picked tune too.
:)
Neil
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Yep, the (good!) vocals need to come up, it is a bit buried behind the (very nice) guitar picking. But there is also a slight problem with that nice picking: it never really change (except for the small instrumental interludes e.g. at 2.20), it goes on and on and no matter how nice it is it gets a little monotonous after a while. I would have loved if you for one verse had somehow changed the guitar, perhaps just a very basic stumming, perheps even just ringing chords at each chord change. Still a very good song and performance and it could very well be that I'm just have a too short attention span for 1+1 songs ;D
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Hi all,
Sorry I have been away from the forums for a few weeks...
I just want to say a HUGE thanks to everyone who listened and commented on this song...it is one that has really grown on me and I look forward to working on it more in the future, taking on your valuable advice and taking it to the next level.
I really appreciate you all taking the time out of busy schedules and days to give me a few minutes of your time...I am truly grateful.
Thanks,
Paul :)
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Hey Paul
So this is where a song becomes an artform.
I can't critique something that grabs me by the heart and won't let go.
Top songwriting and performing IMHO.
PS - love the slow-downs at the end ;D
Paul
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Hey there PT...........love the folk genre. Great guitar work in the style I appreciate.
Good songwriting. This could use a harmonica.....if you don't have one, you can find them on Ebay and Amazon...or, your local music store 8)
Good stuff!!
-Tom
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Paul,
Thanks so much for this comment. It means so much to hear that!
Tom- Great suggestion on the harmonica! I've just started playing with a band recently and have been dabbling in some harmonica so that's definitely worth a shot! Cheers:)
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Hi Paul,
This is an excellent song. It is very moving and well crafted. The fingerpicking sounds beautiful and the vocals suit well the mood of the song. Talking about lyrics, I think they narrate the story very well and serve the main message of the song. I enjoyed the change of perspective in the second chorus. Very good job!
If you allow me some constructive criticism about the lyric rhythm, some words seem to be stretched too long from my point of view:
- "Me" in "Fills me with dread". It'd be more natural to me to do: "Fills me" (short silence) "with dread".
- "Were" in "You know you were the one". Again I'd do "You know you were" (short silence) "the one"
- The line "What's going on in your head" seems a little bit rushed. I'd break it into "What's going on" (short silence) "in your head".
I'd also like to hear how the chorus sounds if you add a second voice (a falsetto or a female voice).
Once again, great song! :)
Cheers,
Joaquin
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I don't have anything original to add to all the great feedback you've already gotten, but I wanted you to know I've listened a few times and I like it a lot. It does such a good job conveying your message, and it's a beautiful piece of work.