The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: PaulAds on December 02, 2016, 03:35:23 PM
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hello
nice to see a flurry of activity in the lyrics section...
i've had this for a while...no hook or title yet...i think it loses momentum after the first verse...just wanted to keep posting some lyrics, really...
UPDATE...i threw together a few more lines and knocked up a version of it here
https://soundcloud.com/thefuneralcrasher/sometimes_blue_mostly_black
I carved our names in quicksand you've left me up on bricks and
You're up to your old tricks and what can I do?
I know that by tomorrow you'll have shaken off your sorrow
and be shaping up to swallow someone new
And I can't find a way and I can't make you see
And I can't make it back to where I want to be
Cos it's gone and it won't come back
So it's sometimes blue but it's mostly black
It'll always be there in the back of your mind
Ready to wreck whatever you find
First you said "believe me" you're never going to leave me
You made it look so easy then you packed
No sooner did I find you then you'd put it all behind you
You're too cruel to be the kind who'd want me back
Now I curse the day I met you desperate to forget you
I don't know why I let you let me down
And the smile upon your face meant you'd picked up my replacement
From the nightclub bargain basement over town
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The entirety of the song is good. Like, no nits. Some clever wordplay.
But I have to say that... I love the final line! That one gave me a huge smile!
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I don't think it loses momentum as much as you think it does. It has rhythm that keeps it going.
I wonder about a couple spots.
1. "You're too cruel..." I'm getting an impression, from the lyric (possibly an incorrect impression, in which case, never mind) that the antagonist is too shallow actually to be cruel. I might substitute something like "vague" or "shallow" (but shallow has too many syllables, so maybe not).
2. "...why I let you / Let me down." You haven't set up a pattern of repeating words, so--if you prefer not to repeat "let", maybe you could use "get me down" or "put me down".
Just possible ideas, if they fit your vision. If not, toss 'em.
As you mentioned, there's no hook. Yet. A short chorus might be in order. The "nightclub bargain basement" line is great! It might make a good hook, but right now it's in the third verse, so that could be awkward.
Taking a hint from the "swallow someone new" phrase, what about a metaphor with the word barracuda? Or shark?
You're a barracuda. I shoulda eschewed ya (bad, bad, bad!) There's a surprising number of possible rhymes with barracuda, though. Tuna, tuba, loofah, Cuba, beluga, intruder, bermuda, hallelujah, etc.
Anyway, feel free to take advantage of anything here, if you like, or not. I hope this is helpful but, if not, I'll try again sometime. ;D
Vicki
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Hi Paul
Clever rhyming in this - I love it when a two syllable word is rhymed with two one syllable words ;D
Only sugg would be "Across town" rather than "Over town" but that's likely a regional preference.
Nice work - now sing it man ;D
Paul
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Yes Paul,
Very nice, oh theme and rhythmically coherent verses; definitely got a song there waiting to be made.
Don't think it loses momentum, there's plenty of rhythm through imo and the lyrics maintain strong imagery and rhyming.
Vicki makes some good points but think the current verses/wording stands strong as is also. Do like the idea of maybe breaking up the 3rd verse to make a chorus out of the bargain basement concept.
I actually think you could maybe split it in half, and use a melodic/instrumental chorus with each half (v1, Now I curse..., v2, The smile upon your face..) then maybe a new verse or outro of some sort?
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hello
nice to see a flurry of activity in the lyrics section...
i've had this for a while...no hook or title yet...i think it loses momentum after the first verse...just wanted to keep posting some lyrics, really...
I carved our names in quicksand
You've left me up on bricks and
You're up to your old tricks and
what can I do?
I know that by tomorrow
You'll have shaken off your sorrow
and be shaping up to swallow
Someone new
First you said believe me
You're never going to leave me
You made it look so easy
When you packed
No sooner did I find you
Then you'd put it all behind you
You're too cruel to be the kind who'd
Want me back
Now I curse the day I met you
Desperate to forget you
I don't know why I let you
Let me down
And the smile upon your face meant
You'd picked up my replacement
From the Nightclub bargain basement
Over town
Two suggestions. . . and no nits beyond that.
First you said believe me
You're never going to leave me
You made it look sound so easy
When Then you packed
No sooner did I find you
Then you'd put it all behind you
You're too cruel to be the kind who'd.
Want me back
VERY clever wordplay throughout. And I did not think it "lost momentum" at all.
For me, it "knew when to quit" and quit at exactly the right time.
Sings easily, and well and with exceptional drama to a variety of melodic timings.
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I'm loving this one Paul,it doesn't lose momentum at all,
it just flows from start to finish,it sings really easily,
great lyrics and i too love the ending,
regards,Tom.
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Paul, lots to like here. Very British kitchen sink drama, right up my street.
I think all it needs is a chorus. I'd go with a simple direct few repeating lines to make it stand out from the verse. Maybe pick the girls name. E.g. Sophie, Sophie why you and me? Sophie, Sophie just let me be.
Anyway got some music for it yet?
:)
Neil
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Hi Paul - for me the standout line is the first line - I carved our names in quicksand. I love it when you can pack a whole story in one line like this (hey new competition idea!).
I think I would try to build a hook/chorus around that first section - it's too good to include just once. Quicksand is great as a title too. You might need a new first verse, or you might not.
Whatever you choose, look forward to seeing where you take it.
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thanks, folks...i forgot i'd posted this!
some great suggestions and things to bear in mind...really appreciate your input :)
i dusted down my electric 12-string this afternoon and got a demo together...quite a gentle kind of thing, i guess...i still need a couple of bits and pieces...but it's taking shape nicely...i might have overcooked the bassline on it..but i was just doodling around...
i cobbled together a piano track from the session band "country" iPhone app to give it a different feel to some of my less-disciplined and more raucous efforts...
thanks again!
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I loved the rhythm, rhymes, content, and all of this. Can't wait to hear some music added to.
I have a few suggestions, they might not work (I'm quite new at this) but I'll post it anyhow for you to consider.
I would swap 'quicksand' to 'the sand' in the first line. Sand gives the same image, but doesn't give away quite as much of the following content - so I preferred that imagery.
Also, the second stanza, I would change it to:
'First you said believe me
You would never ever leave me
You made it look so easy
Then you packed'
Cheers :)
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Hi Paul,
The only way to improve this, is to give me one more verse, or two or three or maybe more. I fecking love it, had me reaching for my guitar. Finding fault is hard, keep posting the lyrics. I'll buy anything you've got.
Vintage54
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thanks, everyone...
i've done it and posted it here...
https://soundcloud.com/thefuneralcrasher/sometimes_blue_mostly_black
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Boy the instrumental REALLY pulled this together and made is sparkle even more.
Wonderful song in my opinion.