The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: ShinyThang on October 25, 2016, 09:27:59 PM
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Okay, I could go on about how I was going to add drums, bass and more guitar but the vocal gave me so much grief I really did run out of time for this one. I've got used to hearing it as it is now anyway.
I had given up on this but came back to it after being spurred on by all the effort other posters put into their entries.
https://soundcloud.com/geoffjamesevans/come-to-me
Come to Me
Copyright © Geoffrey James Evans 2016.
All the kids visit every house around here
Their eyes are wide and their bodies tingle with fear
Eerie light from carved, pumpkin heads
Their little hearts say run but they hold fast instead
Trembling they'll knock on every door here in the street
It's not a trick, it's a treat.
All the kids know my house and they keep it at bay
They cross the street when they find they're walking this way
Stories tell of a mother who lived here before
Found broken and buried under the floor
Curious they look my way but before I catch their eye
they look away, and hurry by.
Come to me my children I've got everything you seek
Bags and bags of candy I've enough to last the week
Come to me I'm just the same as everyone out there
I want to play, it isn't fair
They don't know why but they're feeling the tension
They see no life but they look in the wrong dimension
And I suddenly I'm laughing then I'm choking back a tear
Because I know, they're never coming here.
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Geoff,
I see this in my kids every year....well done for making this your subject matter.
Great lyrics...make you sad....I'll take my kids to the house.
Love the pianos that keep playing in the background.
Like the way the songs ends.
Good song
Sandeep
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im trying to understand this & I think you are the ghost of the murdered woman which makes it all very sad & spooky
I cant do ballads so I have a lot of respect for those that can... I felt a lot of sadness in this ..maybe thats how ghosts feel ...she lost her life & with that her children & this is the only sad hallowen song ive heard in the competition & it moved me
I liked the sound clips they were very effective
I think the guitar bit couldve been better but maybe you can go back later to that with your new gretsch you were looking at :)
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Hi,
Really enjoyed this, very dark and sinister yet understated. Big powerful synth and pad sounds that you've blended together really well. I like the piano ostinato than runs throughout, very tubular bells/exorcist.
Nice touch with the reversed whispering, I might be tempted to make more of this
I'm sure this would work well with all the additions you mentioned but I don't think it needs them, it stands up as it is for me.
I'm gathering from mooching around here today that there's a Halloween competition going on. I haven't listened to all the songs but this would be a contender for me so far.
Yodasdad
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This works really well...lovely synth and tinkling piano draw you in and the neat, clever lyric delivers a cool, disturbing twist. Nice vocals too.
Thumbs up from me.
Great work, Geoff...and good luck 😀
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This is great! A strong contender, I'm sure. I really like those low notes! And the mood of the whole thing is just perfect. I have no nits.
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Wow, this is really creepy. Until the last verse I thought this was going in adifferent direction, so there was a nice element of suspense.
The instrumentation was sounding great to my ears, I did not miss bass or guitar.
Good luck in the competition, bye Wolfi
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Really enjoyed that, Shiny. Lovely spooky feel and that lovely piano. Lyrics are great. Very sad in a lonely ghost way. We had a house like that at the end of our street when I was kid - so your song made a good connection, and I'm sure it would make a similar one with most listeners. A very strong contender for sure!
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I feel bad bumping this but I wanted to thank those who've reviewed it;
Movin Falvour: I love to see the little kids come trick or treating. Some of them really get into it and are so excited. Unfortunately none come to me now that I live down a spooky, country lane. Maybe I'm the ghost!
TinaM: Of course you are spot on and it feels good that I've managed to write something that actually tells the story in my head. The singer is the ghost of the murdered mother who never saw her own kids grow up (Okay, the song doesn't actually tell you that bit). She can't leave the house and the kids won't come to her (big whoops there really because All Hallows' Eve is THE night the ghosts CAN get around. Doh!) It is sad ... Happy is so hard! I had a lot of fun with the sound clips and I'm glad you felt they worked. 'Could do better' with the guitar is, I'm embarrassed to say quite right. It doesn't really quite fit and it's a bit basic and clumsy. Shiny doesn't deserve a shiny , new Gretsch!
Yodasdad: Thank you. Glad you liked it. I think the continuous piano was probably T Bells inspired what with the theme being horror and all. I've already moved on to the next thing but I would really like to come back to this and put drums on and redo the guitar.
PaulAds: Really pleased you took the time to listen Paul and I'm glad you liked it.
CaliaMoko: I am so glad you liked it. And getting a 'No Nits' from you makes me feel good somehow (almost made up for TinaM's ''Could do better") It's like a trophy on the mantle piece which I will treasure.
Wolfini: Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Delb0y: Thank you for your kind words. There was a neglected house in my street that us kids used to make up stories about. It is still neglected now, forty odd years later, and almost completely obscured by vegetation in the front garden. And, it seems, I'm still making up stories about it!
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I love the ambient vibe you've got going on here Geoff. The lyrics are very good, sad and reflective. the repeating piano phrase works well for me. This is different as well which makes it stand out. Think it's great
John
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Love the backing, especially your ominous intro! The tinkling on the piano mildly reminds me of Tubular Bells from the Exorcist, so definitely very spooky. Creepy sound affects too. Is that reversed talking around the two minute mark?
Great storytelling. I was sucked in by the lyrics, certainly. I find myself saying this a lot, but I would definitely bring the harmonies up in the mix. I think I'm just a bit of a Bvox junkie but I thought they were a little buried.
Yep, thoroughly enjoyed this. Definitely the scariest thing I've heard from the Spooky or What Comp.
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WOW.....now that was ghostly. Truly a unique and compelling lyric. I feel the lyrics get thinned behind the music, which is commanding.
I'm curious as to how this was written.....lyrics, first... or otherwise??
Great stuff!
8)-Tom
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Love the track, especially the mysterious sounds intro!!
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Hi
Lovely synth sounds. The tinkling synth gives a nice night time feel; The pads a lush atmosphere. Eerie, but somehow captures a strange innocence and sadness as well. Very cool.
Really like the story idea.
Interesting, different, and very good.
Digger
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Perfect entry for the competition. Spooky feel. Piano is captivating.
Loved the lyrics - taking the POV of the house is brilliant IMO.
Definitely a front-runner for me.
Paul
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Hi Geoff,
Lovely vocals....you sound so young ;D ;D
Nice arrangement and keys. Got a Tubular
Bells/Pink Floyd feel in places...so it's got
to be good ;D
Found the story sad rather than scary, but
a lovely song to listen to..
Excellent work...
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Geoff,
Great atmospheric intro really sucked me in!!! I love the clean spacious production...superb vocals very reminiscent of Godley & Creme..great favorites of mine....and the story is both bizarre and evocative...Very well done in every dimension!!!!
igg
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A seriously good song Shiny...beautiful melody and piano playing with lyrics to bring a tear to the eye. Another strong contender for the comp...it completely stands out as something different and if we had a forum bookie I may place an outside bet on this one doing well.
Well done mate, great piece of music.
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Pompeyjazz: Thanks. It is certainly a little different from my usual stuff.
Jacksimmons: Yes, I just took the opening speech and reversed it and tried it in various locations before deciding it seemed to work there. Thanks for noticing the lyric. I was quite pleased with it myself once I worked out the main story element of the murdered woman. I am becoming very fond of backing harmonies too but I don't really know how to do them and tend to just keep trying things until something seems to work. I don't think I was too confident about these so, kept them low in the mix.
IronKnee: This was my second attempt to write for the contest. The opening chords came when I messed up playing an old song of mine and the 'duffed' chord change sounded very funereal. So, with the contest in mind I developed that a little and started thinking about Halloween which, to me, is kids going 'Trick or Treating'. I pretty much wrote the whole thing at the keyboard which is unusual for me.
HenryOFarrell: Thank you very much.
Digger72: You are very kind. But I was quite pleased with the way this one turned out.
Paulski: Thank you Paul. It really was great fun to write this especially with the excuse to use sound effects. You and Vicki have a scorching contest on your hands here.
Binladeda: Thank you. Yes, my voice is a lot younger than my face! The T-Bells riff came from messing around with a sound on my new Yamaha keyboard although I didn't use that particular sound on the recording. I find that each pre-set sound 'suggests' some musical idea and this is what came to me. I wasn't deliberately using Mr Oldfield's idea of course but I guess it was there in my subconscious.
igg: Wow! Godley & Creme! Well, I don't mind those types of comparisons at all but if you mean 'Under your Thumb' then that really is a song to chill your spine!
MartynRich: Thank you but I feel this competition is pretty much all 'front runners' so I'd spread that bet a little if I were you!