The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: diademgrove on October 15, 2016, 09:00:28 PM
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Tonight is the last night of Hull Fair. I've written some lyrics for the "sing each other's songs" thread on the competition board.
http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=11878.0
All comments gratefully accepted.
Verse 1
The barker shouts "come ye all to the fair"
bright flashing lights dance across the sky
slicked back hair, zoot suit, green shirt
Getting high on the fairground air
Standing beside the helter skelter
Pre-chorus 1
I want to take a ride, take a ride, take a ride, a ride
Chorus
tonight at the fair, tonight at the fair
will I find love? tonight at the fair
Verse 2
The crescent moon is shining through the clouds
shining on the leaves as they turn gold
polished shoes, white shirt, black skirt
getting wet in the autumn rain
I see you laughing by the ghost train
Pre-chorus 2
Why don't you, take a ride, take a ride, take a ride, with me
Chorus
Bridge (music only)
Pre-chorus 2
Chorus
Thanks.
Keith
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I feel it's a bit all over. I understand that it's about a fair, but I'm finding it hard trying to grasp onto the story being told. To me it even reads more like a poem than a song. Maybe better verse and chorus structure?
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I feel it's a bit all over. I understand that it's about a fair, but I'm finding it hard trying to grasp onto the story being told. To me it even reads more like a poem than a song. Maybe better verse and chorus structure?
Thanks Miguelye89. There is no story so I can see why you have found it hard to find. To stop the words appearing all over the place I could add a lot of "I"s. So you'd get I hear the barker, I'm wearing, I'm getting high, I'm standing but that would make it more difficult to find a melody and wouldn't feel natural. I don't know about you but when I'm thinking to myself I don't use perfect grammar.
It'll be interesting to see if anyone puts any music to this though.
If I ever come to rewrite it I'll keep your suggestions in mind.
Thanks again,
Keith
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Hey Keith,
I like them; very strong imagery and they look open enough to get some real variety when performing. Hopefully more people will get involved and you'll see a few different tries at these! :)
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Nice one Keith - there's enough of a story for me, anyhow.
Like Scott says, great imagery. I esp liked the "as they turn gold" phrase. An unique way to give it a sense of time passing. Only sugg I would offer is - I wonder if "fairground air" could be sth different like "carnival air" or even "electric air" so as not to wear out the word "fair". Ignore me at will though :)
Good work - hope someone picks it up for music. I'm sorely tempted :)
Paul
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Thanks for the comments Scott and Paul, much appreciated.
I hope you do pick it up Paul. Feel free to change the words if you think they work better.
I had a go at singing the words in my head and there are one or two places where the melody has to change between the first and second verses. That'll teach me to just count the syllables.
Let me know if you are tempted and I'll postpone any more work on it. I went to see an art exhibition this afternoon, a container covered in graffiti and filled with houses and little figures that's travelling around the UK. You see the insides through various small spyholes in the container. Very psychedelic, the film I took is perfect for a weird instrumental.
Thanks again for the comments.
Keith
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Hi Keith
Where do i start with your verses its like going back in time and its still going on, fantastic feel of a flow, so real.
Im thinking maybe might need third verse but maybe chorus is to short, anyway, Paul Simon come to mind in verses, just my own idea of your lyric lay out.
The barker shouts "come ye all to the fair"
bright flashing lights dance across the sky
slicked back hair, zoot suit, green shirt
Getting high on the fairground air
Standing beside the helter skelter
Chorus
I want to take a ride, tonight at the fair, take a ride
Will I find love, take a ride, tonight, at the fair
The crescent moon is shining through the clouds
shining on the leaves as they turn gold
polished shoes, white shirt, black skirt
getting wet in the autumn rain
I see you laughing by the ghost train
Chorus
I want to take a ride, tonight at the fair, take a ride.
Will I find love, take a ride, tonight, at the fair
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Thanks Oldbutyet,
I'll try out your suggestion when I trying singing it. Your suggestion does change the perspective of the singer in my head. Not necessarily a bad thing but different if you know what I mean.
I agree the song is a little short but I have something weird in mind for the bridge which will lengthen the song a little. I just need to sort out what it is and whether I have the ability to deliver.
Thanks again for the comments, much appreciated,
Keith
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i really enjoyed reading your lyrics. The word choice is excelllent and unexpected which i really like.
thanks