The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: IronKnee on September 17, 2016, 08:43:10 PM
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Hello everyone....I have another little 1+1 tune that I hope you all like. All thoughts welcome and, as always, first impressions are appreciated 8)
Thank you very much, in advance ;D
-Tom
“I Couldn’t Sleep (Down the River)”
Words & Music by Tom Tognaci
http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13184772
I couldn’t sleep, it wouldn’t keep
I lie awake, bemoaned, the shattered, broken man
All I could be is the man that you see
Out from the corners of your restless, roaming eyes
And, as you send me down the river, with broken oars, holes in my sails,
You search the water’s edge, while I float away forever…
…on this raft of glass and nails
I couldn’t sleep, it wouldn’t keep
I lie awake, bemoaned, this lost and hopeless man
I couldn’t breathe, but I couldn’t leave
So, with a shove, you sent me down the river’s stream
And,
As you send me down the river, with broken oars, holes in my sails,
You search the water’s edge, while I float away forever…
…on this raft of glass and nails
…on this raft of glass and nails
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I pretty much always like your songs. This is my kind of rhythm, my kind of chord progression and melody. I'm not especially a fan of depressing songs, which this appears to be, but if I ignore the message and just listen to the way the words, chords and melody fit together, it's all good.
I do wonder if you need the word "out" in the 4th line? I think it will work without it and, for some reason, "...that you see out from the corners of your eyes" sounds odd to me. Maybe it's just me, though.
First impressions...this is a "shattered, broken man" going away against his will in great discomfort (glass and nails). I assume there's a woman with "restless, roaming eyes" doing the banishing? I suppose it doesn't matter; it's the mood that counts. And I believe I get the mood.
Overall I like the song. Nice job. I like the 1+1 treatment. I want to learn to play guitar better.... I know, I keep saying that. I guess I need to practice. ?? :P
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Hey Tom.
I listened to this a few times trying to figure what it brought to my mind,then it clicked..Badfinger. Very much in the mode of Pete Ham. Wonderful,earthy,raw live feel. Brought back the closing scenes of Breaking Bad when they played Baby Blue. 8)
Thanks for sharing. :)
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very raw..very brilliant..loved it, super song and love the acoustic guitar...would def benefit from better production IMHO..
but it's about the song innit!!! ;D ;D
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Got a Led Zep feel from this.....
Just knew it was going to be good ;D
Lovely vocal. For some reason I kept
hearing a banjo in there somewhere ;D
Loved it Tom....every one a winner ;D
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I pretty much always like your songs. This is my kind of rhythm, my kind of chord progression and melody. I'm not especially a fan of depressing songs, which this appears to be, but if I ignore the message and just listen to the way the words, chords and melody fit together, it's all good.
I do wonder if you need the word "out" in the 4th line? I think it will work without it and, for some reason, "...that you see out from the corners of your eyes" sounds odd to me. Maybe it's just me, though.
First impressions...this is a "shattered, broken man" going away against his will in great discomfort (glass and nails). I assume there's a woman with "restless, roaming eyes" doing the banishing? I suppose it doesn't matter; it's the mood that counts. And I believe I get the mood.
Overall I like the song. Nice job. I like the 1+1 treatment. I want to learn to play guitar better.... I know, I keep saying that. I guess I need to practice. ?? :P
Hi Vickie.............thank you for being the first to comment ;D I mulled over the lyrics, with this song, probably more the most of my other songs. "Out" was examined, and I decided it was needed to fill the syllabic requirements the melody dictated. This is why my lyrics have a hard time standing by themselves, I guess. I try singing the song without "out" and the melody doesn't flow like I want it to :P. In the end, I place the melody before the lyric, as evidence of my craft.
As far as your first impressions.......you are exactly correct. But, that wasn't too hard....was it?
And practice, practice, practice...so they say. I never practice. I just play, simply for the joy of it. Even when I first picked up the guitar, it was simply fun, and felt lovely in my arms.
But, I hear what you are saying...I, too, wish I were better ;D
Thanks, again!
Hey Tom.
I listened to this a few times trying to figure what it brought to my mind,then it clicked..Badfinger. Very much in the mode of Pete Ham. Wonderful,earthy,raw live feel. Brought back the closing scenes of Breaking Bad when they played Baby Blue. 8)
Thanks for sharing. :)
Thanks Skub for listening and commenting.....I'm glad my tune conjured up such good company!
very raw..very brilliant..loved it, super song and love the acoustic guitar...would def benefit from better production IMHO..
but it's about the song innit!!! ;D ;D
Thanks Shadow....ALL my songs would benefit with a good production. I just don't have that certain form of patience, recording in my house, grappling all the noise this world brings down. I always hurry. Interuptions are what plague my home studio (if that's OK to call it that) :o
So for me, it is about the song ;)
Thanks again!
Got a Led Zep feel from this.....
Just knew it was going to be good ;D
Lovely vocal. For some reason I kept
hearing a banjo in there somewhere ;D
Loved it Tom....every one a winner ;D
Hey there Bin.......wow, you hear the same thing I hear, apparently. What you are hearing is the phenomenon that is the only reason that really keeps me attempting to record my songs. It happens, every so often, that sounds appear from out of nowhere, suggesting and pointing me in directions that I normally wouldn't think of. That banjo that you hear is the same one that I hear. The opening guitar seems haunted by a ghost banjo that plays along.
If I work on this song further, a banjo will be written in!
Thanks for noticing......I thought I was going crazy ;)
And thanks to all who has listened!
8)-Tom
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I always look forward to your songs Tom and this one is no exception. I love the guitar playing...it has a great feel with spaces in all the right places. Superb technically and with great feeling as always.
Vocals are great although the production sounds a little dry in places...but that´s for another forum maybe. Overall it is a melodic, emotive piece and shows off your great songcraft once again. Thanks for posting.
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This flows really well and has alot of emotion packed in it
Good Job
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Hi Tom,
I think I've liked everything you've posted so far - your material and style is right up my street.
Someone else has mentioned it but I think the Badfinger reference is spot on. It's a timeless song which could have been written at any time since around 1967.
There isn't a lot to it lyrically - it's almost like a charcoal sketch rather than a full oil painting but it's great as it is.
I absolutely love the guitar playing and your voice has a rich, weathered tone which I would kill for.
A lovely, simple beautifully delivered song.
M
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Tom,
Loved the intro with acoustic in stereo
Liking the tune and your vocals, all sounds good.
The only thing i'm less than comfortable is the doubled vocals on the chorus.
Nice and short
:)
Neil
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great stuff!
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Quote from: MartynRich on September 19, 2016, 10:35:30 PM
I always look forward to your songs Tom and this one is no exception. I love the guitar playing...it has a great feel with spaces in all the right places. Superb technically and with great feeling as always.
Vocals are great although the production sounds a little dry in places...but that´s for another forum maybe. Overall it is a melodic, emotive piece and shows off your great songcraft once again. Thanks for posting.
Thank you soooo much M&R.......I am very happy that you like my song. My productions and recordings, however, will always be full of my personal inequities, as long as I am doing the recording :P
Thanks for stopping by!
Quote from: midiofnowhere on September 20, 2016, 09:24:24 PM
This flows really well and has alot of emotion packed in it
Good Job
And that's what it's all about, with me......Thanks, midi ;D
Quote from: montydog on September 21, 2016, 03:24:13 PM
Hi Tom,
I think I've liked everything you've posted so far - your material and style is right up my street.
Someone else has mentioned it but I think the Badfinger reference is spot on. It's a timeless song which could have been written at any time since around 1967.
There isn't a lot to it lyrically - it's almost like a charcoal sketch rather than a full oil painting but it's great as it is.
I absolutely love the guitar playing and your voice has a rich, weathered tone which I would kill for.
A lovely, simple beautifully delivered song.
M
Thanks, Monty..........I really appreciate all the encouragement...especially, the comment on my voice. For the longest time, I absolutely hated my singing.........I'm comfortable with it now; and, that's thanks to you and everyone else who has commentated favorably on my voice :)
Thanks again, Monty!
Quote from: Neil C on September 21, 2016, 08:08:04 PM
Tom,
Loved the intro with acoustic in stereo
Liking the tune and your vocals, all sounds good.
The only thing i'm less than comfortable is the doubled vocals on the chorus.
Nice and short
:)
Neil
Hi Neil....thanks for stopping by! I thought the chorus needed a little more Undecided, so I made my attempt Embarrassed
I could eliminate it for a 1+1, if I ever needed it to be Cool
Thanks, Neil!
Quote from: man of simple pleasures on September 21, 2016, 08:18:34 PM
great stuff!
Great comment................thanks, MOSP!! ;D
And thanks to all who have listened!!
8)-Tom
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Hey Tom
Beautiful opening with the accoustic - what a talent on that axe :)
Vocals up to your usual high standards.
Lyrics were a bit lost on me - but sound like they mean sth which is all that matters. :)
Would love to hear this done in a pro studio. You have the chops!
Paul
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Hi Tom, I really look forward to listening to your songs and must have missed this earlier. I think that this is one of my favourites of yours. You've conjured up a very atmospheric piece here. Lovely :)
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Really like this. Powerful lyrics economically phrased. Very atmospheric and conveyed the concept of a whole person being emotionally cast adrift as so much flotsam/jetsam perfectly and all wrapped up in fabulous guitar and vocal work.
I think the fact it sounds ‘unproduced’ actually adds to this song by underlining the ‘broken man’ theme - just my honest opinion.
Great work
Phil
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Hey Tom
Beautiful opening with the accoustic - what a talent on that axe :)
Vocals up to your usual high standards.
Lyrics were a bit lost on me - but sound like they mean sth which is all that matters. :)
Would love to hear this done in a pro studio. You have the chops!
Paul
Wow...thanks Paul ;D
Thanks for the generous compliments; but, what does sth mean?
And yea....a pro studio is a dream that I have yet to realize :'(
Thanks, Paul! I appreciate it!
Hi Tom, I really look forward to listening to your songs and must have missed this earlier. I think that this is one of my favourites of yours. You've conjured up a very atmospheric piece here. Lovely :)
Thanks PJ....thanks for listening and stopping by!
Really like this. Powerful lyrics economically phrased. Very atmospheric and conveyed the concept of a whole person being emotionally cast adrift as so much flotsam/jetsam perfectly and all wrapped up in fabulous guitar and vocal work.
I think the fact it sounds ‘unproduced’ actually adds to this song by underlining the ‘broken man’ theme - just my honest opinion.
Great work
Phil
Thanks Phil.....I really appreciate you liking my tune. It means alot!
And thanks to all who have listened!
8)-Tom
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Hey Tom
"sth" is lazy-speak for "something" :)
cheers
Paul
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Hey Tom
"sth" is lazy-speak for "something" :)
cheers
Paul
ohhhhhh.....I get it! :)
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Great stuff. Really enjoyed it. You always have a lovely subtle and inventive touch to everything - lyrics, melody, playing - that really resonates with me. I love your stuff, man!
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Excellent.
Congratulations on your guitar skills!
The whole song is great!
Someone mentioned led Zeppelin, I hear it too.
The singing reminds me of neill diamond. I was a fan of his when I was a kid.
Corr blimey! Such talent!
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Another great song Tom.
Love your voice and good raw guitars.
....bit short though😚
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Great stuff. Really enjoyed it. You always have a lovely subtle and inventive touch to everything - lyrics, melody, playing - that really resonates with me. I love your stuff, man!
Thanks, Man!!
Excellent.
Congratulations on your guitar skills!
The whole song is great!
Someone mentioned led Zeppelin, I hear it too.
The singing reminds me of neill diamond. I was a fan of his when I was a kid.
Corr blimey! Such talent!
Thanks Rightly!!
Another great song Tom.
Love your voice and good raw guitars.
....bit short though😚
Thanks Movin'........I thought it best, short 8)
And a big thanks to all who have listened ;D
-Tom