The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Flux Identity on July 07, 2016, 12:03:08 AM
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Bare bones version of my song.
Recorded it some time ago, but never got around to publishing it.
I hope you like it.
Peace.
https://soundcloud.com/flux-identity/parallel-universe-stripped-back/s-AWuhN
Lyrics:
gone in the night
the one thing she said
trembling mind
getting lost in the game
for the first time
she shut the door behind
it's hard to make decisions
desire took control
it could all be fine
beautiful and bright
in the parallel universe
it could all be good
better than it should
in the parallel universe
lost in her eyes
haven't felt it for a long time
blood starts to rush
body wants to dance again
hurricane of love
crashes everything on it's course
vision starts to blur
weightlessly he drifts away
it could all be fine
beautiful and bright
in the parallel universe
it could all be good
better than it should
in the parallel universe
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Song won't open for me. Sound Cloud says "We can't find that track" and wonders if I tried to access a private track while not being signed in....
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Thanks for letting me know Vicki.
This link should work:
https://soundcloud.com/flux-identity/parallel-universe-stripped-back/s-AWuhN
8)
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On the the list of entrants - but please post in "finished songs" which is where the others are! (Probably get more listeners there too!)
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Good Indie track.
Love the stripped back guitar and the vocals are cool and very haunting.
Not sure about the criteria for the bare bones comp.
Overall vet good.
Sandeep
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Sounds good. I really like the guitar sound - very full and yet transparent and clear. Those echo effects on the vocals are interesting and fit very well.
I can't comment on the lyrics since you did not post them. ;-)
Maybe some kind of development or climax would help, I was waiting for something like that and the song was over.
Bye Wolfi
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Nice atmosphere you created! Getting some 80s influences there (Julian Cope perhaps?). I guess it's bare bones - acoustic was not a requirement!
Please do post the lyrics and you should get more feedback.
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Thanks for all the comments.
80's sounds are indeed my favourite, but I've never really heard about Julian Cope until somebody found this one https://soundcloud.com/flux-identity/flux-identity_about-the-storm alike some time ago ;D
PS. Lyrics added.
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Listening as I post.........love the intro guitar.
I love the reverb on the guitar....wish the vox was cleaner, and more dry.
I like what you have......I'm wondering if there is more! I like to go down different avenues in the music....verses, bridges, chorus, interludes, instrumentals, intros, outros,....etc.
Good stuff, guy......hope to hear more of your work ;)
8)-Tom
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great song!
Billy Bragg was the rather obvious thing that popped into my head...but that's very much what this reminded me of...and being a massive fan of the Bard of Barking...i very much enjoyed this.
i loved the ending...i can just imagine you pulling out your guitar lead, chucking a plectrum into the crowd and walking away...job done :)
what a great competition this is!
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Love the guitar sound on this! Really nice vibe song the whole way through, captures a great spirit and well delivered. Your voice really suits the song as well. Are you doing a Brian May type thing by harmonising with the echo on your voice? It is nicely done, intentional or not.
Great entry and stripped right down. Well done!
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I liked this for many reasons. One being,you sang in your own accent which immediately evokes Barrett/Bowie and plenty others.
Nice use of delay/verb to create an ambient soundscape.
Dreamy and tripped out.
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Good song but i think the effects is a wee bit to much but i can understand why they're there "Parallel Universe" this is one of those songs that when you hear it a few times it become better than just a good song.
Lyrics are good again suits the style of what you want to give to your song, never met a woman in a parallel Universe but i been far out sometimes, old fashion style ;D
On second listen and maybe more its better than good, good luck in the comp.
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Hi,
Nice work, I like it. the guitar provide a supportive atmospheric backing for your delicate and slightly other worldly vocals.
Evocative
:)
Neil
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Have to say it didn't grab me right away but I was thinking differently before the first play ended. You've made it work and I've played it over many times now and I don't do that if I don't like the song. I think what saves it for me is the chorus and the fact that you get to that before the end of the first minute. Production-wise the use of echo is a great idea for a 'bare bones' presentation.
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what have you done to that guitar ? it sounds like its locked in a room & its trying to break out...its a crazy sound & I like it
your angelic sort of voice reminded me of someone from the 80s ...flux of seagulls ? ;D
I wasnt sure the word 'parallel' fitted right...it had too many syllables? two syllables would have been better.. what about 'mister'? ;D sorry I do joke a bit
anyway I liked it ...it was realy different
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Very different to all the other Bare Bones entries I've listened to so far - which is good. Love the guitar sound, but to me the whole thing feels like it needs a big arrangement rather than a stripped down one. Like the eighties feel to it all. There's a haunting quality to the whole thing which I like and which bears repeated listening. Looking forward to more of the same - but without the restriction of the bare bones comp.
Cheers
Derek
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Hi,
The parallel universe sounds vast! And I like the way you inhabit it!....Beautiful vocals with an urgency that captivates....Reminds me of "Choir of Young Believers"...Well done!
igg
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...hope to hear more of your work ;)
More of my work here: https://fluxidentity.bandcamp.com and here: https://soundcloud.com/flux-identity :D
Are you doing a Brian May type thing by harmonising with the echo on your voice? It is nicely done, intentional or not.
Brian May is a great guitarist and I admire his work, but this effect was a total fluke. I just like reverbs and delays a lot :)
..flux of seagulls ? ;D
I wasnt sure the word 'parallel' fitted right...it had too many syllables? two syllables would have been better.. what about 'mister'? ;D sorry I do joke a bit
anyway I liked it ...it was realy different
Flock of Seagulls had a great sound. I Ran is a solid piece of pop :)
what about 'mister'? ;D
IT COULD ALL BE FINE .... IN MISTER UNIVERSE Hahahahaha
Thanks for the feedback by the way :)
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strong vocal and guitars splendid ..
almost the hook of the song and the atmosphere
images moving with the delay
slight germanic twang to your vocal gives it an extra edge
kind of foreboding about it, like a warning..
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Dig those ambient guitars! Vocals are also very good but I would personally back off a bit on the delay (maybe 3-4 echoes), matter of taset of course.
For some reason I got some Mew vibes out of this, must have a listen, was ages ago it seems.
Cool as it is I'm lacking a little in variation/dynamics since the song moves on more or less the same all the way.
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Nice moody sounding piece with subtle inferences scattered here and there. Perhaps there is a touch too much 'verb on the voice but not to the point of distraction.
One thing in the lyric glares at me: the seeming shift of person. Everything seems to be a bit vague as to perspective early on.....maybe it's from the first person, maybe it's a third looking on. Until this:
lost in her eyes
haven't felt it for a long time
blood starts to rush
body wants to dance again
hurricane of love
crashes everything on it's course
vision starts to blur
weightlessly he drifts away
This word, haven't shifts everything previous to the first person, but the last line here, weightlessly he drifts away turns it back to the third person. The shift of perspective is confusing. Replace haven't with hasn't and it's all back to third person. I think I'm reading this right.......but maybe not.
Overall a nice, spooky sound that works quite well.
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This is a brilliant.....
The guitar really grabbed me. An original, gritty and quite gripping tone. Love it. Like the waves crashing in the background. The first chord is just magic and set it's up perfectly
The ethereal, soft vocals gel perfectly with it, creating, for want of a better description, something fresh and beautiful.
This is one of those songs that grabs you the whole way through, it doesn't need fireworks at the chorus or a middle eight to climb above the parapet. It just works.
... And then it ends abruptly, leaving you wanting to hit the repeat, which I did, three times!
I'm a big fan, and this is my new favourite for the comp. Best of luck to you!
Adam.
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Hi
Cool tune. Counts as a Bare Bones song for me - a bloke and a guitar.
I liked the effects - yes it was wet, but it all blended together nicely and was in keeping with the theme of the song. Reminded me of The Jesus and Mary Chain vibe on Just Like Honey.
Good stuff.
Digger
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Replace haven't with hasn't and it's all back to third person.
Thanks for pointing this out Buc. Appreciated. I'll try to fix it. :)
I would personally back off a bit on the delay (maybe 3-4 echoes)
I've tried. Works well. Default 60% feedback might be a wee bit too much.
Thanks
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Not my cup of tea, but I really appreciate the work on the lyric and the production. I have no nits at all. Good luck in the competition!
Vicki