The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: montydog on May 09, 2016, 03:29:30 PM
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Hi,
Here's another song from my batch of new recordings beautifully mastered by Boydie.
It's about a son or daughter who decides to stop their father battering their mother for once and for all. They then go on the run, get caught and tried. There is a twist in the end which I hope you get.
All your feedback is as always much appreciated. My wife, Janine is singing harmony vocals BTW.
https://soundcloud.com/alan-walker-4/switchblade
As unkind unwinds
And you cross the stateline
Past junkyards and coalmines
And a cruel wind that burns you blind
When the night screams with bad dreams
Your Daddy kept his hands clean
Mummy was a beauty queen
Pill bottles and tight blue jeans
Walk down to the river
Your faith will wash you clean
You were born a believer
Forgotten words on a silver screen
Watch the blood fade on the switchblade
It's all prepaid cool aid
Steel sinews and a chrome spade
Pretty flowers for the home parade
With his eyes bright as a wolf bite
In the grey metal gunsight
Hidden in the half light
He won't but you just might
Walk down to the river
Your faith will wash you clean
You were born a believer
Forgotten words on a silver screen
The smell of woodsmoke,
Thick coils of old rope
Hanging from the field post
As all your little dreams got broke
As the time flies, your goodbyes
Across blue skies and train rides
They just can't disguise
That all his words were lies
Walk down to the river
Your faith will wash you clean
You were born a believer
Forgotten words on a silver screen
In the town square with trees bare
From the winter's cold stare
Your breath is fine mist
On the silk skin that you kiss
Out here only God knows
How long the wind blows
Take your hat off to the old man
Who still remembers why you ran
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The accompaniment sets a perfect mood for the content of the lyric. I confess I did not get the twist at the end, but I am rather dense so it's no surprise, really. I especially appreciate how you made extensive use of rhyming words.
Vicki
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Listening to this on the laptop speakers - so I might be missing a lot of the subtleties of the production. But it sounds very polished. Vocals sit nicely on top of the music which rolls along very nicely. Last verse, when the harp comes back in, and is that a dobro, all very nice too! The melody is good and the harmonies work well. The lyrics are excellent with some lovely rhymes within the lines - but I've no idea what has happened, or what the twist is. Maybe the old man they killed is still alive? But didn't they bury him? Or maybe they killed the wrong man? I will have to give this a lesson through headphones when I get chance. I have a feeling there's a lot more to it than I'm getting through these little speakers. But good work - I always enjoy your songs, and anything involving murders and folks on the run, junkyards and rivers, beauty queens and silver screens is good in my book! :)
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i love that harmonica & i do love a good tale of murder & intrigue & justice
i liked the lyrics tho the story i got in my head was probably a bit more sensational than you intended (i watch too much telly !)
it sounded to me like the son stabbed the violent dad then hit him with a spade then shot him then hanged him ..omg i was horrified & spellbound...but then when he came out of prison the father was there to meet him so he kissed him & took his hat off to him & said dad you old son of a gun you are indestructible & they forgave each other...but i mightve got it wrong
its quite unusual hearing such a violent song done with your soothing & calm tones
i wasnt sure your voice & your wifes worked together well in the chorus
but what a story!
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This has got such a lovely feel to it Alan and it's a great story as well. I particularly like the harmonica and the slide guitar on the last verse. It's a really dreamy feeling song with a strong story. Can't criticise anything about it. Excellent :)
Pompeyjazz
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Alan,
Great song....lyrics are very good, but I particularly like the harmonica and the harmonies with the backing vocals.
Echoes of Beautiful South for me, especially when I hear you and your wife singing together.
Definitely got a great country feel about it, but crosses genres as well.
Very well produced.
Sandeep
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Alan,
Superb lyrics
Watch the blood fade on the switchblade
It's all prepaid cool aid
Steel sinews and a chrome spade
Pretty flowers for the home parade
Wow.
Nice unobtrusive backing and the harp sounds great.
And the highlight was the harmony vocals with your wife, they really work.
:)
Neil
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I really like this song. I think the performance is great and the lyrics are very inventive (daddy was a preacher man?). I would have liked to hear more of your wife, especially in the verses where she could have done some complimentary harmonies - I think that would have added a nice extra layer to your smooth sounding vocals.
The harmonica is great, but it came through sounding as thought it had too much top end on my speakers, which of course may be my speakers...and the slide as well...very nice indeed. Top job.
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Loved this, some great melancholy movements in the harmony that worked for me very well.
The harmonica and slide guitar are both beautifully played. Lovely vocals from you both.
I did find the rhythm section pushed a little too far back, wanted to hear the drums and bass a little more. Think some rim-shots on the drums would work really and allow it to be further forward in the mix.
The bass is a little passive for me in places, just on the beat and then at times jumps out with a little line and broke the mood for me. I can hear a rolling rhythm for the bass that would blend better with the elements around it perhaps.
But the overall atmosphere, both from the musical elements and lyrics is really well realised.
Lovely work! :)
Tom.
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Very well done Alan. You preserve your own personal minimalist musical integrity while allowing the tasteful addition of some gub iron and dobro. Before you know it,there'll be a Montydog track with full orchestral arrangement,all the bells and whistles! It's a slippery slope, I tell ya!
Lovely song,great writing and fine harmonies by the boss.
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Loved the chorus. Didn't just like it, I loved it.
The rest, quite frankly, I didn't get. That really didn't matter. The music and vocal was sufficient in itself to just let the lyric paint word pictures.
The accompaniment had a "feel" to it that was extremely reminiscent of "Everybody's Talking at Me" by Harry Nillson. Marvelous.
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Hey there montydog..........very, very nice. A classic style that lives and breathes very vibrantly today. I have always liked this 60's / 70's , Folk / Country flavor.
Outstanding...........beautiful writing, and really like the performances. It's great that you include your wife. I include my wife whenever she finds the inspiration. ;)
Good stuff, man...............always looking out for something new, from you!
8) -Tom
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Absolutely love the lyrics here - all the internal rhymes and wordplay is something to admire. So much work I am sure but you can't hear that it was work. I've said it before but it's great to hear all elements working together perfectly to serve the song.
(Speaking very quietly - I'd still like you to tweak the BVs to line up more precisely with the main vocal - I'm OCD but found it just a bit distracting! Will shut up about that now)
But this is such a great batch of songs. English country is alive and well - you should be on here http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=11190.0
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Hi Alan,
Mrs D absolutely loved this - made me turn it up.
Indeed I will pass on her review.
She thought your wife's vocal added a nice sweetness to the sound, coupled with your soothing vocal.
She was singing along during the chorus and asked if you had indeed written it. It has a certain familiarity. She likes country music and those 70s artists like Neil diamond, Glen Campbell, etc.
I thought it was very well recorded, performed and produced.
Digger
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hi alan
easy sundown feel to this with the strum and drums.. all sits lovely, gentle but doomed..
like the story and the images..
good vocals as expected and nice mix with janine..
i might be imagning but your singing a little freer i think.. moving into dean martin territory maybe and why not..might be the way your using more drums these days..
seem to have an outbreak of murders & dastardly deeds on the forum at the moment..
another one for the album..tick
how about writing a song with alternate voices, like a conversation..?
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i might be imagning but your singing a little freer i think.. moving into dean martin territory maybe and why not?
Yeah.... I hadn't noticed that, but now that you bring it up, there is a "Deano" quality to the vocals.
I was wracking my brain for someone to compare this vocal to, and you found a very natural and applicable example.
THAT comparison (to Martin) is (from my perspective) high praise. The ultra smooth quality to Alan's vocals on this song is very similar to Martin's smooth, conversational style and voice.
Few people can do that. Few should even attempt it. Alan nailed it.
Truly beautiful.
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Hi Alan,
Typing this as I listen...hope you don't mind!
First thing I notice is the flowing effortlessness of the lyrics...tremendously difficult to do, but you've hit it perfectly on the head here...well done!
Great singing all round in this track...nicely complimenting each other!
I like that the lyrics don't necessarily scream the story at the listener and they require some interpretation and concentration to understand!
Great stuff! :)
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Hi Alan, a very good song with probably the best production I've heard from your rcordings.Smooth vocals as ever and some lovely harmonies. A very authentic country sound and lyric with some very nice harmonica and slide guitar.
Very good!
Cheers
Jamie
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I think I'm loosing my mind, because I was sure I'd written a review of this beautifully
crafted song Alan ::)
You are a master at writing and delivering a wonderfully poetic story in a song :)
The imagery is magnificent :) I loved every minute of this track.
Your vocals are always so smooth and velvet like, and your wife's harmonies are spot on,
and really add a nice touch :)
Boydies 'magical mastering tour' is icing on the cake ;D Kudos :)
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Hey Monty,
Lovely song my friend ;D Especially like the harmonica, gives
the song a nice feel, and love the vocals....of course ;D
Mrs. Montys harmonies are wonderful.
My only thought was that the tone of the slide gtr was a bit
dull sounding. Something 'sweeter' sounding, higher up the neck
maybe ;D Just my taste though......'tis a fine song old chap ;D ;D
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OK, it's time to respond to the comments you guys have kindly contributed.
@ CaliaMoko - Thanks Vicki. The twist at the end is that the judge let the killer off because "He remembered why you ran".
@ delb0y - Hi, yes it is a dobro and thanks for your positive feedback on the production, melody and lyrics.
@ tinam - You were a bit off the mark with your reading of the story of this one but thanks for your comments on the harmonica - it is such an effective weapon for the musically challenged such as myself!
@ pompeyjazz - Thanks for the lovely comments - much appreciated.
@Movin Flavour - Again, great that you liked the harmonica and I'll take the Beautiful South comparison; they are among my favourites.
@ Neil C - Thanks for your kind words about the lyrics - it's probably what I spend more time on than anything else. I'm pleased you like the harmony - I'll pass that on to Jan.
@ MarynRich - Glad you liked the song - that's more than half the battle!
@ tboswell - Thanks for your complimentary comments on my harmonica and dobro playing - I'm a pretty hopeless musician so that means a lot. I have only just started playing bass guitar (I think this was the second time I recorded myself) so your comments on it's failings are pretty spot on.
@Skub - Thanks for the comments on the song writing and Jan's harmonies - much appreciated. I hope you enjoyed the heavily orchestrated song I sent you the link to.
@ hardtwistmusic - Great comments Verlon - so pleased you liked it. If you don't get the lyrics, it doesn't matter as long as just enjoyed the images. Dean Martin, eh? I'll take it :-)
@ IronKnee - Thanks for the lovely comments, Tom. I really like your material and the fact that you "get" the genre.
@ adamfarr - Thanks for the kind words about the lyrics - I do take a lot of time with them. Thanks for the link to the UK Country radio station. I intend to get all my country flavoured songs together and send them a CD.
@ digger72 - Great than your wife loved it so much. I also like 60's and 70's country singers and Glen Cambell is one of my heroes.
@ nooms - Great that you got the "lovely but doomed" vibe - just what I was aiming for. I have written a conversation song but it just never quite made the grade. It's a good idea though so I might have another go.
@ PTCruiser1801 - Thanks for the comments about the flow of the song - that was something I was aiming for. I was also trying to tell a story but not writing it like a newspaper report - I wanted it to be a little ambiguous to make the listener create their own version of the story.
@ Jamie - Thanks for your compliments on the production. It's an area I have tried very hard to improve. Also great that you approved of the harmonica and dobro playing.
@ crystalsuzy - Such lovely comments - made me go all funny:-) Thank you.
@ Binladeda - Thanks for commenting Bin. Maybe I need some new strings on my dobro! Thanks for the kind words about the song and the singing.
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Wow, lots to like here! The great, great vocals of course and the BV as well. Some nice unexpected twist in the chord progressions as well to keep interest as well. Not very familiar with the genre but to these untrained era it sounds spot on.
Only constructive critique I can give would be: in the first couple of bars the guitar seems to no to be quite in sync with the beat (but I can be wrong, but at least that is how I hear it). Personally I would bring up the bass just a tad or at least even it out, in some passages it's is fine but in others it sort of disappears.
But that is no big deal really, well done!