The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: Classicvw on January 15, 2016, 04:27:21 PM
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Hey Guys. I've changed things around again (26/01/16). tell me what you think?
Verse 1
Imagine a humming bird losing its flight,
or the sun losing its light.
Cause that's what it will be like
sleeping without you tonight.
Pre-chorus
Maybe we weren’t serious at the start
But I’ve come to realise over time
Without you near me,
You are the only one that stole my heart
Chorus
Sweet thief
You stole my breath,
Stole my heart
Sweet thief
you stole all my thoughts
then tore my world apart.
Baby please, come back to me...
My sweet thief!
Verse 2
Imagine gazing on a tropical shore,
or a puppy you adore,
cause that's what it will be like
seeing your blue eyes once more.
Bridge
I long to take you by the hand
and kiss you like I did then.
I want to grab your waist
and hold you close again.
Chorus
Sweet thief
You stole my breath,
Stole my heart
Sweet thief
you stole all my thoughts
then tore my world apart.
Baby please, come back to me...
My sweet thief!
Outro
Shouldn’t have let you go, I was a fool
thought I needed a single life
But what I needed
was a life with you
My sweet thief (I Love you)
© Madison Romano 15 January 2016
Verse 1
Imagine a bird losing its flight,
or a bulb losing its light.
Cause that's what it will be like
sleeping alone tonight.
I'm fighting to regain that feelin'
To begin working on healin.
Why can't I get you out of my head?
Why are you so amazin?
Chorus
You sweet thief
You stole my breath,
Stole my heart
Stole all my thoughts
then tore my world apart.
Baby baby please, come back to me...
My sweet thief!
Verse 2
Imagine gazing on a tropical shore,
or a puppy you adore,
cause that's what it will be like
seeing your eyes once more.
and don't start thinking you are one of many
no one compares to you, baby
Just can't get you out of my head.
You are in my thoughts daily
Bridge
Why can’t I take you by the hand
and kiss you like I did then.
Why can’t I grab your waist
and hold you close again.
Chorus
You sweet thief
You stole my breath,
Stole my heart
Stole all my thoughts
then tore my world apart.
Baby baby please, come back to me...
My sweet thief!
Verse 3
Maybe this song is an explanation
of what I feel.
Maybe it is about letting you know
my love is real.
If the world was an art gallery,
you would be my Mona Lisa.
Oh I want you back, Harrietta
Harrietta please. My sweet thief
Outro
Harrietta (please)
Harrietta (please)
Harrietta (please)
© Madison Romano 15 January 2016
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No problem with you posting new amended lyrics, its what the forum is about. But every time you create a new thread you knock somebody off the bottom of the page into page 2.
You could just add the lyrics to an existing thread and amend the title to show you've changed the lyrics. Some people amend the first post in the thread. I'm not keen on that as I sometimes like to look back at the existing lyrics and see how they changed.
No offence meant. Keep up the good work.
Keith
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so sorry man! should i do that now? or is it too late?
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so sorry man! should i do that now? or is it too late?
I think its best to leave this thread as it is, let people comment and just update it if you re-write your lyrics. No real harm done.
Keith
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Updated*
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I've been seeing so many "Harrietta #1, #2 etc." in the lyric section. I really wanted to see the fuss and whatnot. To me, It's a sweet and pop-like song that many people would sing. And the title gives in a Spanish or guitar feel when I try to imagine the melody.
So many metaphors I don't quite get. I didn't get "If the world was an art gallery, you would be my Mona Lisa". There were so many questions on my head on why is that? Is it because the girl was beautiful or artistic. How can the world be an art gallery? You might need to address or answer those questions some in the song. And some lines were too cheesy. I get cheesy, but not too much.
In verse 1, you switch the story too soon, I might put it. From 'sleeping alone' to 'one of my many' I think can't fit together well. Stick to the 'sticking alone' story in this verse.
In verse 2,The heroin metaphor is very troubling to me. I think the song should be sweet and quaint. That line makes it very awkward, and defeats the purpose of the puppy and tropical metaphors,
In the Pre-chorus, I think "It's agreeing none" is awkward when you say it. Maybe "It's agreeing to no one" is better and more suited.
The chorus structure is very odd and clumsy. Maybe make it into four lines?
Good solid work with some quirks to be fixed! I hope this would help you.
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hey guys!
so i've updated them again. Please tell me what you think
Verse 1
Imagine a bird losing its flight,
or a bulb losing its light.
Cause that’s what it will be like
sleeping alone tonight.
And don't start thinking you are one of many.
No one even compares to you, honey
Verse 2
Imagine gazing a tropical shore,
or a puppy you adore,
cause that’s what it will be like
seeing your eyes once more.
The way heroin makes a junkie addicted,
the thought of you just leaves me fixated.
Pre Chorus
My head wants to let you go.
But it's so much easier said than done.
My heart’s saying no.
It’s agreeing none.
Chorus
You sweet thief.
you stole my breath,
you stole my heart,
you stole my thoughts,
then torn my world apart.
Verse 3
Maybe this song is an explanation
of what I feel.
Maybe it is about letting you know
my love is real.
If the world was an art gallery,
you would be my Mona Lisa.
So please take me back, Harrietta
Outro
Harrietta (please)
Harrietta (please)
Harrietta (please)
Okay my thoughts but im thinking you need to softening this down a bit so im going just rearrange your first verse, okay.
"Can you imagine a bulb losing its light.
Im sleeping alone tonight.
Can you imagine a bird losing its flight
Cause that’s what its like
So don't start thinking you are one of many.
No honey, nothing compares to you"
As i said softening it down and let your music of thoughts fill the gaps and rearrange whatever.
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haha thanks man. the metaphore 'if the world was an art gallery, you would be my Mona Lisa'. Its referring to how beautiful she is. So if the world was filled with beautiful things (paintings) then she would be the most beautiful thing (Mona Lisa). I got the idea off a kanye west song haha.
yeah you are absoluetly right! it does change to fast. didn't see that before. and the same with using heroin with a sweet verse. I need to work on that.
would it sound better if the chorus was like this.....
you sweet thief.
stole my breath,
you stole my heart,
stole all my thoughts
and torn my world apart
yeah! helped massively! thanks so much
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hey guys!
so i've updated them again. Please tell me what you think
Verse 1
Imagine a bird losing its flight,
or a bulb losing its light.
Cause that’s what it will be like
sleeping alone tonight.
And don't start thinking you are one of many.
No one even compares to you, honey
Verse 2
Imagine gazing a tropical shore,
or a puppy you adore,
cause that’s what it will be like
seeing your eyes once more.
The way heroin makes a junkie addicted,
the thought of you just leaves me fixated.
Pre Chorus
My head wants to let you go.
But it's so much easier said than done.
My heart’s saying no.
It’s agreeing none.
Chorus
You sweet thief.
you stole my breath,
you stole my heart,
you stole my thoughts,
then torn my world apart.
Verse 3
Maybe this song is an explanation
of what I feel.
Maybe it is about letting you know
my love is real.
If the world was an art gallery,
you would be my Mona Lisa.
So please take me back, Harrietta
Outro
Harrietta (please)
Harrietta (please)
Harrietta (please)
Okay my thoughts but im thinking you need to softening this down a bit so im going just rearrange your first verse, okay.
"Can you imagine a bulb losing its light.
Im sleeping alone tonight.
Can you imagine a bird losing its flight
Cause that’s what its like
So don't start thinking you are one of many.
No honey, nothing compares to you"
As i said softening it down and let your music of thoughts fill the gaps and rearrange whatever.
cheers man!
I'll take it onboard but i think i might leave it as it is as don't think that part sounds too bad at the moment
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Dont look to hard in lyric form in all honesty they're just rearrangement of thoughts but i will say, don't throw away anything 8)
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Do you reckon on the 1 verse, i change it to.......
Imagine a bird losing its flight,
or a bulb losing its light.
Cause that’s what it will be like
sleeping alone tonight.
I’m fighting to regain that feelin’
To begin working on healin
then on verse 2 i change it to.......
Imagine gazing a tropical shore,
or a puppy you adore,
cause that’s what it will be like
seeing your eyes once more.
And don't start thinking you are one of many.
No one even compares to you, honey
Does this sound better or not? i totally don't have a clue haha
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I think you're starting to have an idea. I like the new verse one, I think that's great!
On verse two, the last line could be..
"No one can ever compare you, honey"
I think it makes more sense (I think) than the last one. Then the rest of this verse it good
What do you think?
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Dont look to hard in lyric form in all honesty they're just rearrangement of thoughts but i will say, don't throw away anything 8)
I may have to disagree with you, good sir. I think a more organized set of writing gives you a clearer mind of melody. Please correct me if I'm wrong. I would love to hear your say.
Mikael
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Do you reckon on the 1 verse, i change it to.......
Imagine a bird losing its flight,
or a bulb losing its light.
Cause that’s what it will be like
sleeping alone tonight.
I’m fighting to regain that feelin’
To begin working on healin
then on verse 2 i change it to.......
Imagine gazing a tropical shore,
or a puppy you adore,
cause that’s what it will be like
seeing your eyes once more.
And don't start thinking you are one of many.
No one even compares to you, honey
Does this sound better or not? i totally don't have a clue haha
To early to tell man, ill read more in the comming days ;)
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Dont look to hard in lyric form in all honesty they're just rearrangement of thoughts but i will say, don't throw away anything 8)
I may have to disagree with you, good sir. I think a more organized set of writing gives you a clearer mind of melody. Please correct me if I'm wrong. I would love to hear your say.
Mikael
Im sitting thinking but your organized set.
Whats you writing.
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I think you're starting to have an idea. I like the new verse one, I think that's great!
On verse two, the last line could be..
"No one can ever compare you, honey"
I think it makes more sense (I think) than the last one. Then the rest of this verse it good
What do you think?
Verse 1 might sound okay, but is it singable? cause the syllable count on the last two lines of verse one is less than verse 2, if you get what i mean. the syllable count needs to stay close to each verse so the verses sound familiar to the listener. thats my issue. and i can't sing so i can't tell hahah.
It would have to be '........compares to you,honey' as im stating that no girl comes close to you kinda thing. If I change that line i'd have to change it to something completely different.
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I suppose I have to agree. I don't know the melody would be, so it's hard for me. I think you may be right with that.
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Dont look to hard in lyric form in all honesty they're just rearrangement of thoughts but i will say, don't throw away anything 8)
I may have to disagree with you, good sir. I think a more organized set of writing gives you a clearer mind of melody. Please correct me if I'm wrong. I would love to hear your say.
Mikael
Im sitting thinking but your organized set.
Whats you writing.
Hi Oldbutyet! I don't understand the question. Are you asking about my style of writing?
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I suppose I have to agree. I don't know the melody would be, so it's hard for me. I think you may be right with that.
I'm more clueless. I've only started writing like 5 days ago haha.
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The life of writing, my friend ;)
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Dont look to hard in lyric form in all honesty they're just rearrangement of thoughts but i will say, don't throw away anything 8)
I may have to disagree with you, good sir. I think a more organized set of writing gives you a clearer mind of melody. Please correct me if I'm wrong. I would love to hear your say.
Mikael
Im sitting thinking but your organized set.
Whats you writing.
Hi Oldbutyet! I don't understand the question. Are you asking about my style of writing?
No, this is the OP thread not yours.
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updated again haha** please tell me what you think. i'm getting so much better
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I think it's going to the good direction! My only concern is Verse #, the form is concerningly awkward with the 7 lines. I have an idea for it. It may change the whole structure.
It may be like..
Maybe this song is an explanation
of what I feel.
Maybe it is about letting you know
my love is real.
Pre-chorus:
If the world was an art gallery,
you would be my Mona Lisa.
So please take me back, Harrietta
I want you to come back, please
I'm basically adding a line in the last part, but I separated the verse into verse then pre-chorus. What do you think?
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hey man!
what do you mean by verse #? do you mean the number of lines in the verse? I think 7 lines per verse isn't too bad. Most of the songs im taking inspiration from contain 6-8 lines per verse anyway. As long as each verse can fit the words around the melody, it should be fine. Like when singing each verse, the melody in the singing should be the same if the syllables are roughly identical to each line of the verse. Do you think adding that extra line makes the singing off? or more difficult to sing? cause i don't have a clue haha. mathematically, to me, it could work. to a vocalist, maybe not. I don't know haha
Also, the problem with the pre-chorus is that the words need strict identical syllables to sound familiar. like you can get away with being off on the verse, but the pre-chorus needs to be exact, and my lyrics don't have the right syllables. This is what i mean....
last three lines of verse 1 Syllables:
I’m fighting to regain that feelin’ 9
To begin working on healin. 8
Why can’t I get you out of my head? 9
last three lines of verse 2
and don’t start thinking you are one of many 11
no one even compares to you, honey. 10
Just can’t get you out of my head 8
Do you see what i mean. Well i'm pretty sure the pre-chorus needs to be strict
thanks so much for your feedback :)
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Updated*
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Updated again hahah. top of page 1 :)
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I made a few comments and suggestions on the first draft of harrietta and looking at this version some time later I have to say you have come on leaps and bounds the last few weeks, I think all the things I would suggest have already been said, its been nice to see this grow.
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I don't see your earlier drafts here, so I'll just respond to this on its own. My notes are in red inline below. I only marked a couple things. Do keep working on this. I think you can still improve it even more.
Vicki
Hey guys!
okay, this is my latest draft. please tell me if i’m going in the right direction or going backwards. Or any feedback in general. Thank you so much as well. you guys have been so helpful
Verse 1
Imagine a bird losing its flight,
or a bulb losing its light.
Cause that’s what it will be like
sleeping alone tonight.
I’m fighting to regain that feelin’
To begin working on healin.
Why can’t I get you out of my head?
Why are you so amazin?
Pre Chorus
My head wants to let you go.
But it’s so much easier said than done.
My heart’s saying no.
Just take me back, hun
Chorus
You sweet thief.
stole my breath,
you stole my heart,
stole all my thoughts,
then torn tore my world apart.
Please, I want you back
Verse 2
Imagine gazing a tropical shore,
or a puppy you adore,
cause that’s what it will be like
seeing your eyes once more.
and don’t start thinking you are one of many
no one compares to you, baby
Just can’t get you out of my head.
You are in my thoughts daily or "always". It doesn't rhyme, but it has a similar enough sound that I think it would work.
Bridge
Why can’t I take you by the hand
and kiss you like I did then.
Why can’t I grab your waist
and hold you close again.
Pre Chorus
My head wants to let you go.
But it’s so much easier said than done.
My heart’s saying no.
Just take me back, hun
Chorus
You sweet thief.
stole my breath,
you stole my heart,
stole all my thoughts,
then torn my world apart. and "tore" here again, to be grammatically correct
Baby, I want you back
Verse 3
Maybe this song is an explanation
of what I feel.
Maybe it is about letting you know
my love is real.
If the world was an art gallery,
you would be my Mona Lisa.
Oh I want you back, Harrietta
Harrietta please. My sweet thief
Outro
Harrietta (please)
Harrietta (please)
Harrietta (please)
© Madison Romano 15 January 2016
(18/01/16)
hey guys!
so i've updated them again. Please tell me what you think. Does adding the extra line to each verse and chorus, stating the true meaning of the song, bring more depth and emotion to the Lyrics?
Thank you guys for helping me out so much :)
Verse 1
Imagine a bird losing its flight,
or a bulb losing its light.
Cause that’s what it will be like
sleeping alone tonight.
I’m fighting to regain that feelin’
To begin working on healin.
Why can’t I get you out of my head?
Pre Chorus
My head wants to let you go.
But it's so much easier said than done.
My heart’s saying no.
Just take me back, hun
Chorus
You sweet thief.
stole my breath,
you stole my heart,
stole all my thoughts,
then torn my world apart.
Hurry and take me back.
Verse 2
Imagine gazing a tropical shore,
or a puppy you adore,
cause that’s what it will be like
seeing your eyes once more.
and don’t start thinking you are one of many
no one even compares to you, honey.
Just can’t get you out of my head
Pre Chorus
My head wants to let you go.
But it's so much easier said than done.
My heart’s saying no.
Just take me back, hun
Chorus
You sweet thief.
stole my breath,
you stole my heart,
stole all my thoughts,
then torn my world apart.
Baby just take me back
Verse 3
Maybe this song is an explanation
of what I feel.
Maybe it is about letting you know
my love is real.
If the world was an art gallery,
you would be my Mona Lisa.
Don’t get out of my head, Harrietta
Outro
Harrietta (please)
Harrietta (please)
Harrietta (please)
© Madison Romano 15 January 2016
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Thanks so much vicki. I'll change the grammar corrrections. thanks for your feedback also :)
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Verse 1
Imagine a bird losing its flight,
or a bulb losing its light.
Cause that's what it will be like
sleeping alone tonight.
I'm fighting to regain that feelin'
To begin working on healin.
Why can't I get you out of my head?
Why are you so amazin?
Pre Chorus
My head wants to let you go.
But it's so much easier said than done.
My heart’s saying no.
Just take me back, hun
Chorus
You stole my breath,
stole my heart,
you stole all my thoughts,
then tore my world apart.
Baby baby please, come back to me...
You sweet thief!
Verse 2
Imagine gazing on a tropical shore,
or a puppy you adore,
cause that's what it will be like
seeing your eyes once more.
and don't start thinking you are one of many
no one compares to you, baby
Just can't get you out of my head.
You are in my thoughts daily
Bridge
Why can’t I take you by the hand
and kiss you like I did then.
Why can’t I grab your waist
and hold you close again.
Pre Chorus
My head wants to let you go.
But it's so much easier said than done.
My heart’s saying no.
Just take me back, hun
Chorus
You stole my breath,
stole my heart,
you stole all my thoughts,
then tore my world apart.
Baby baby please, come back to me...
You sweet thief!
Verse 3
Maybe this song is an explanation
of what I feel.
Maybe it is about letting you know
my love is real.
If the world was an art gallery,
you would be my Mona Lisa.
Oh I want you back, Harrietta
Harrietta please. My sweet thief
Outro
Harrietta (please)
Harrietta (please)
Harrietta (please)
© Madison Romano 15 January 2016
okay. so this is the finished product. I really don't think i can add more to this. But still feel free to tell me if its still not good enough.
Now i want to make it into a song. I need someone to make it for me, but how would i go about in doing this? I would do it myself but i have no recording equipment. I'm looking for a Acoustic pop melody for this song. Something like Ed Sheeran type of thing. Any Ideas?
thanks so much again guys
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I've been meaning to comment on your lyrics but a heavy cold got in the way.
I thought the original chorus was far better than your latest re-write. I've made a couple of changes and removed the last line. I think they are very powerful and the chorus should finish on the hurt rather than the plea for her to return.
You sweet thief.
you stole my breath,
stole my heart,
stole all my thoughts,
and then you tore my world apart.
Feel free to ignore me if you disagree.
Keith
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Hey Keith
thanks for the feedback. You might be right. If i add too many 'stole' words, does it not sound too repetitive though? Thats what i'm scared of
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Hey Keith
thanks for the feedback. You might be right. If i add too many 'stole' words, does it not sound too repetitive though? Thats what i'm scared of
it depends on the singer, each "stole" reinforces the sweet thief message. The pay off line is sung louder in my head "and then you tore my world apart". I don't think three "stole" is too many.
Re-reading the pre I would change the "just want you back" line as it gives the pay off line away. If you take it away then its just another song about somebody falling in love.
The second verse would then have to explain why she left. You lyrics have huge potential.
Keith
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Hey Keith
I've removed the pre-chorus all together. didn't like it
you are right about the 'stole' words. Changed it back now
Thanks so much for the feedback and helping me out
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Updated again*