The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: hardtwistmusic on November 02, 2013, 06:04:25 PM
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I took an old, discarded accompaniment from my scrap pile (from a song idea that didn't work). Worked it awhile, and began liking it. Then I started working on a lyric with the music. Didn't take more than three hours total time. I'd love some feedback on whether it's a worthwhile direction.
I don't yet "know" the song well enough to sing it well, so the lyric is not well done in terms of timing with the music. And "NO" it's not autobiographical. :O)
http://www.reverbnation.com/htmworksinprogress
Any Old Angel
I need an angel to hold me tonight.
A whiskey soaked angel sounds just about right.
She don't have to look all that good in the light.
Any old angel's all right tonight.
Any Old Angel, No offers refused.
Any old angel who's willingly used.
Any old angel will know what to do.
I'll just close my eyes and pretend she is you.
....... so any old angel will do.
I need an angel, I can't be alone.
Frightened and lonely, and scared to the bone.
She can whisper sweet nothing I know are not true.
Any old Angel will do.
Any Old Angel, No offers refused.
Any old angel who's willingly used.
Any old angel will know what to do.
I'll just close my eyes and pretend she is you.
....... so any old angel will do.
I need an angel to help me pretend
I wasn't the reason our love had to end.
I can always find angels who’ll help me to lie
But lies can't convince me our love didn’t die.
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Love these lyrics! Your voice sounds nice in this - it has a reassuring quality, it's smooth and lovely. I think it would sound even better if you lessened the vibrato on some notes. The melody is lovely, and the country accompaniment is getting there, a few tweaks and this could be great!
This could almost be a christmas song for the comp???..........
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Love these lyrics! Your voice sounds nice in this - it has a reassuring quality, it's smooth and lovely. I think it would sound even better if you lessened the vibrato on some notes. The melody is lovely, and the country accompaniment is getting there, a few tweaks and this could be great!
This could almost be a christmas song for the comp???..........
A little cynical for Christmas I suspect. :O)
Concerning "vibrato." An old, famous Jazz Saxaphonist was helping a College professor in a music class. He would play pieces from his catalogue on command, and then the College professor and the Jazz artist would answer (and ask) questions from the students about the why, how etc.
He played one hauntingly beautiful and intriguing piece, and the professor wanted to impress upon his students how important the vibratto was to the piece. He asked the artist to play a small section without the vibrato so they could see the contrast. The Jazz artist not only COULDN'T play it without vibrato, he had no idea there was vibrato in it.
Until a few years ago, I had no idea that I sang with vibrato in my vocals. Then someone pointed it out. I now damper it down as far as possible, and nearly always believe I've sung it "straight" and clean without vibratto. Of course I never get there.
If you told me specifically where, I could pull some of the vibratto out. I'll never get it all. I appreciate the help and will definitely try to follow the advice.
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+1 to the "Christmas" feel to the backing and melody - it is almost hymn like
In its current form it is a little "disjointed" between the sections but I am sure this is something you will tidy as the song evolves
I also found the varying tempo a bit distracting
However, I do think the basic concept is well worth pursuing - and I would be tempted to add a Christmassy slant to the lyric if you fancied entering the comp - perhaps even a different version?
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I think "cynical christmas song" is an excellent sub-genre! (Couldn't get much more cynical, care worn and world weary than Fairytale of New York.... ;D )
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+1 to the "Christmas" feel to the backing and melody - it is almost hymn like
In its current form it is a little "disjointed" between the sections but I am sure this is something you will tidy as the song evolves
I also found the varying tempo a bit distracting
However, I do think the basic concept is well worth pursuing - and I would be tempted to add a Christmassy slant to the lyric if you fancied entering the comp - perhaps even a different version?
Thank you for the input. I deliberately did the "disjointed" thing wondering how it would sound to someone who has a real musician's ear. Now I know. Thank you.
And, I'm always hard pressed to differentiate my choruses and/or bridges from the rest of the song because of how I'm forced to write (without really playing an instrument.) An accomplished musician suggested changing time signatures. I just change tempos sometimes. Sometimes it works. I'll accept your judgment that it doesn't work well in this case. I'll go back to the drawing board and differentiate it differently.
I might just write a Christmas Lyric for this music for the comp. Not a big "Christmas Song kind of guy really, but I'll find a way to participate. It'll mean putting a different slant on Christmas. Here in the USA, Christmas is an odd and improbable combination of Christian and Pagan traditions and stories and an economically necessary frenzy of commercialization.
Talk about "strange bedfellows" when you find the greed machine and the man/God who said greed is the "root of all evil" under the same set of Santa Claus sheets. I'll try to find a way to comment on that in some sort of humorous way if I can.
So, it would be a "Bah HUMBUG" Christmas Carol.
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hi vernon
i like your lyrics, ive read a few of them over the last while, find them impressive, laced with a little humour on the darkside and enjoyed these..
your vocal and the melody work well altho i think theres maybe an abundance of angels..
the trouble for me is i dont think the btrack helps it ..
i know its a scratch canvas and maybe if you made the btrack completely at odds it might work better..and become ironic or one of the ‘ics anyway..
but for me personally it suggests a more simple acoustic treatment..
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hi vernon
i like your lyrics, ive read a few of them over the last while, find them impressive, laced with a little humour on the darkside and enjoyed these..
your vocal and the melody work well altho i think theres maybe an abundance of angels..
the trouble for me is i dont think the btrack helps it ..
i know its a scratch canvas and maybe if you made the btrack completely at odds it might work better..and become ironic or one of the ‘ics anyway..
but for me personally it suggests a more simple acoustic treatment..
I'm glad you noticed "dark humor." I always strive for a mix of humor and depth. Depth often means skeptical (some say cynical) when I'm writing.
Your take on the music and the lyric is interesting and helpful. You'll find that (left to my own devices) my musical accompaniment is "hit and miss" when it comes to working with the lyrics. What sounds like a good match to me is often not so impressive to others. I'm always grateful for feedback because I can't tell very well myself.
I might try shutting some lines of music off and see. Would you be willing to listen later after I've done so, and tell me if I'm moving in the right direction?
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I agree totally with Boydie and Nooms. Great lyrics, great tune, great vocals and great delivery. Chuck the backing track away and record it with a strummed acoustic guitar, maybe a little harmonica and you've got a first rate country ballad that has real commercial potential. Right up my street but it's spoiled by the arrangement.
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I agree totally with Boydie and Nooms. Great lyrics, great tune, great vocals and great delivery. Chuck the backing track away and record it with a strummed acoustic guitar, maybe a little harmonica and you've got a first rate country ballad that has real commercial potential. Right up my street but it's spoiled by the arrangement.
Excellent advice, but the reality is that I have no way to follow it.
Can't play guitar (or any instrument.) I write by dragging and dropping chords and notes onto a staff, and the computer plays them in real time while I adjust and make it sound as good as I can.
I'm really a lyricist who learned to write melodies because it was either learn or never get listened to.
THEN.... I had to find some way to write music or never get listened to.
I'm really here looking for collaborations as much as for any other reason.
I did follow Nooms's advice and re-recorded with a much more acoustic sound, but it will still be lacking. I'll post it alongside the old version on Wednesday or Thursday and leave a note that it's there.
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Hi Vernon,
I've sent you a message via Reverbnation. Let me know if you want to do a collaboration.
Many thanks for posting your song
M
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Hi Verlon.
I really like this. It's lovely and sad and disturbing, and it works beautifully as a waltz.
The line "Any old angel who's willingly used" is so cruel, but the melody and vocal are so fragile and lilting that they undercut the cruelty and create a fascinating contrast.
I wonder if you need "tonight" at the end of the first verse? I suspect you can stop at "all right", and then Monty's harmonica can start a-wailin'.
But my only real issue with the lyric comes in the last verse. You've gone for full rhymes throughout, and then the last verse makes do with half rhyme and assonance. It seems out of place to me, and incomplete.
I also have a slight issue with the sense. I find the word "myself" at the end problematic, because it implies that others are convinced by the pretense, just not the man in the song. This creates an odd scenario in my mind, where the man's prostitutes have all been persuaded they are actually his ex-wife, and they keep telling him this, but he won't believe them.
Okay, so I think too much, but hopefully you see what I mean.
I have a suggested tweak:
I need an angel to help me pretend
I wasn't the reason our love had to end.
I can always find angels who help that pretense;
I write them all off as a business expense.
But seriously:
I need an angel to help me pretend
You’re here in my arms and the moment won’t end.
I can always find angels who’ll help me to lie
But none to convince me our love didn’t die.
Anyway, well done on the song, and I look forward to hearing a version with real instruments.
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Hi Verlon.
I really like this. It's lovely and sad and disturbing, and it works beautifully as a waltz.
The line "Any old angel who's willingly used" is so cruel, but the melody and vocal are so fragile and lilting that they undercut the cruelty and create a fascinating contrast.
I wonder if you need "tonight" at the end of the first verse? I suspect you can stop at "all right", and then Monty's harmonica can start a-wailin'.
But my only real issue with the lyric comes in the last verse. You've gone for full rhymes throughout, and then the last verse makes do with half rhyme and assonance. It seems out of place to me, and incomplete.
I also have a slight issue with the sense. I find the word "myself" at the end problematic, because it implies that others are convinced by the pretense, just not the man in the song. This creates an odd scenario in my mind, where the man's prostitutes have all been persuaded they are actually his ex-wife, and they keep telling him this, but he won't believe them.
Okay, so I think too much, but hopefully you see what I mean.
I have a suggested tweak:
I need an angel to help me pretend
I wasn't the reason our love had to end.
I can always find angels who help that pretense;
I write them all off as a business expense.
But seriously:
I need an angel to help me pretend
You’re here in my arms and the moment won’t end.
I can always find angels who’ll help me to lie
But none to convince me our love didn’t die.
Anyway, well done on the song, and I look forward to hearing a version with real instruments.
I'm fascinated with your "take" on this (which is different than mine.) I'm at work and out of time on my break, but will respond further later. Verlon Gates
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Hi Verlon.
I have a suggested tweak:
I need an angel to help me pretend
I wasn't the reason our love had to end.
I can always find angels who help that pretense;
I write them all off as a business expense.
But seriously:
I need an angel to help me pretend
You’re here in my arms and the moment won’t end.
I can always find angels who’ll help me to lie
But none to convince me our love didn’t die.
Anyway, well done on the song, and I look forward to hearing a version with real instruments.
Monty is going to help. GOD I LOVE THIS FORUM.
And I copied your two suggestions here to let you know I'm almost certain to use one of them (or a combo of the two.) Thank you a lot. Only way I won't use them is if some lightning bolt of an idea that sounds better to me strikes. Not likely.
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Fantastic, I'm delighted you're doing more with this, i think it has huge potential!
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I really enjoyed the melody and the sentiment in this - it really has a huge potential. I would love to hear this stripped to its bear bones. Simple backing - piano maybe and your voice which it great. Run a musical iron over the changing rhythms - they don't really work for me, seem a little elastic? Perhaps a change in the chorus a little and more consistency in the verses, as a listener I was a little lost at times. But overall - should be a really cracking little song with an excellent 'ear worm' in there. I look forward very much to hearing a more finished version. Good luck for the future. BTB
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Thank you so much to everyone here. The encouragement alone is a wonderful gift. Then, Montydog has agreed to provide an improved accompaniment and cover the song. YAHOO.
There is a slightly improved version now on my site - more acoustic as per a suggestion from Nooms.
I"m having so much fun here that it's almost criminal. I love this forum.
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Hi Verlon.
This creates an odd scenario in my mind, where the man's prostitutes have all been persuaded they are actually his ex-wife, and they keep telling him this, but he won't believe them.
I have a little time now. I mentioned that your "take on this" was different than my own. Now I want to point out ahead of time that just because I wrote it doesn't mean that my perceptions regarding what it means are more valid than anyone elses. In fact, it's my opinion that the LISTENER'S perceptions and perspectives are the most valid perspectives.
That said.... when I was writing this, I never envisioned the "angels" as prostitutes. My perception writing it was that there was no shortage of "old angels" who were as desperate (for reasons of their own) to NOT BE ALONE that our protagonist simply had no problem hooking up with "compatibly dysfunctional" personalities.
And again.... my perspective is worth no more (and probably less imo) than the listener's perspecctive.
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Hi Vernon,
I've left a message on your Reverbnation site. Send me the songs when you're ready.
Regards
Montydog
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Hi Vernon,
I've left a message on your Reverbnation site. Send me the songs when you're ready.
Regards
Montydog
Just sent you most of what I think you need. Hope it works. You've got mail.