The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: PaulAds on March 15, 2017, 08:39:29 PM
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This is one of the songs i wrote last month for FAWM (february album writing month).
I must thank my good friend - John PompeyJazz - for his constant inspiration.
I also talked him into lending his fab voice to the song. Cheers, John :)
I Still Dream of Jeannie
V1
Looking back I wonder where it went
Think of all the happy times we spent
With all those years gone by
She's still my reason why
I only hope she knows how much it's meant
Ch
Every time I close my eyes
Every time I look up to the skies
And when she cannot see me
I still dream of Jeannie
And I hope I always will
V2
There'd never be another one like Jean
She gets me there when I'm just in-between
I can only hit full throttle
When the Jeannie's out the bottle
It's only been since Jeannie hit the scene
Ch
Every time I close my eyes
Every time I look up to the skies
And when she cannot see me
I still dream of Jeannie
And I hope I always will
M8
Jeannie always finds a way
Jeannie always makes my day
V3
Jeannie gives me strength to carry on
Jeannie shows me where I'm going wrong
I'm where I want to be
And all I want to see
I've been loving Jeannie all along
Every time I close my eyes
Every time I look up to the skies
And when I dream of Jeannie
I do enjoy the scenery
And I know I always will
for Jean x
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ahh. Good recruitment going on here. Pompeys vocals are very distinctive. I like the song. I think the production is a little light, and it could do with a bit more muscle. I also feel like I want to hear backing vocals in the chorus filling in between the first 2 lines. It feels it needs just a little bit more going on. Also I would speed it up marginally to help with the energy. If it came in under 3 minutes it would be a great pop song. Hope that's not too critical. I think with a bit of work it could be a real gem.
Cheers Micky
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I like the song and I appreciate the sentiment. I also would like to hear it beefed up a little; sounds on the thin side to me. Although, of course, far better than what I might do, so I don't like to criticize.
I don't really have anything else to suggest. I like it.
Vicki
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Hey Paul.
This one wouldn't be out of place on an early Elvis Costello album,John's vocals add weight to this notion.
Very poppy and catchy chorus. Seemed a lot shorter than three and a half minutes too.
A very easy and enjoyable listen. :)
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aww I loved this song from FAWM!
Lyrically you seemed to spend most of FAWM in & out of Broadmoor & other top security prisons! ;D
so when I first heard this I knew you were out on parole & had turned out to be a goodun after all becos the lyrics here are totally sincere & so romantic & I wont embarrass you any further :)
Johns probably my fave vocalist on the forum but I actually prefer you singing it Paul ..
i know im being soppy but you wrote it & you mean it when you sing it & that makes all the difference to me...
anyway I agree it sounds a teeny bit slow & the drums have a funny sound sometimes which I noticed at FAWM
Altho I liked the sparse roomy sound I think it could take some more instrumentation to give it a fuller sound
As I said at FAWM you are a terrific lyric writer & there are some fabulous lines here
you could give Ed Sheeran a lesson or two ..
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During the time that I've been on the forum, you have produced some absolute classics Paul and this is one of my favourites. I first caught up with this song during FAWM and liked it straight away. It's a pop classic, excellent melody and lyrics and some lovely chord changes. I must say that it's been an absolute privilege to be able to contribute to this song and as it's Mrs Pompeyjazz's name, it's very very fitting. Thanks Paul - Top Quality :)
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Hi!
Such a nice song. Got a sweet retro feeling to it.
I must agree that it sounds a bit thin.
The vocals sits good but the rest seems to lack
some presence and weight.
The M8 is imo unnecessary. Yes, a break is good
but maybe with a bit more intriguing lyric. Or
just instrumental.
Well I've listened to it three times so it
must have somethings that I like. :)
Cheers,
- Martin
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I like it; good chord progression and the chorus does what a good chorus should. I wonder whether an acoustic strum along would add a bit of body to the versus, with some "ooooo La la" backing vocals added to the choruses. The "la la" bits in the verse need to be louder if you're going to keep them. I'd also revisit the M8 lyrics; musically it works, but the lyrics would work better if they were deeper or darker, but that's a personal preference thing. Great pop song, and I love pop.
Mike
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Hi guys, great collaboration, sounds a lot like a cross between elvis Costello and squeeze, which is a good thing! Well sung and played guys!
Nice one!
Cheers
Jamie
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Love the chorus with those harmonies.
A very PaulAds song....music and lyric. Have you changed the bass and anything else....didn't notice it yesterday. Like it anyway and the drums are great.
Good pop song. Funnily enough I came up with a 'pop' song a coupla weeks ago and thought to myself....mmm, wonder if I can do this...might ask PaulAds to help me out with it....lyric could do with being Adjusted (sorry).
Loved the lyric and concept as soon as I read it.
Great chorus. The hook/title line is wonderful.
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Good work.
I really liked the chorus, more and more each time it came round.
There was something very warm and familiar feeling about the whole song.
I can imagine it over a the credits of a 70's American sitcom or the token scene from a film with the young lady riding her bike through the park, wher everyone seems to know her and waves.
Yodasdad
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really good chorus
akin to a modern searchers walk in the room
nice job on vocals john with paul on the bvs and the la la la
nice bass and light feel.
neat title linking to the old classic..
really enjoyed sounds like a single..
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Hi Guys,
Loving this... kind of has a welcoming and happy vibe hanging from a really cool melody. Okay, maybe as others have said it could use some beefing up but that's a minor thing really and I will be humming this all day!! :) :) Oh and my Mrs is called Jean - I'll play it to her later instead of inflicting one of my own songs on her.
She'll prefer this guaranteed! :)
Fab tune guys!
Phil
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Thank you, everybody...I'm really pleased you liked it.
Thanks again to John for the great vocal...a lovely guy.
I was aiming for a Joe Jackson kind of sound...fairly light and airy...same with the lyric too...bits of it are very simplistic...some things are best said simply, I reckon. I doubt you can beat "I love you" with any other three words.
It was a breath of fresh air to write compared to the heavier and more grim stuff I was mostly writing last month.
Ta. You're all very kind :)
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Nice collab guys...seemed a little too slow but a good number all the same.. :) :)
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When I moved to Portsmouth in 96, I didn't realise that he was a Pompey geezer and I also happened to share the same local as him, so I suppose repetitive plays of "Is she really going out with him" on the jukebox must have peed him off a tad, or maybe he had loaded the jb ?
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Nice collab guys. Really nice, breezy song. Perfect little melody and nice 60s-esque chord structures. Definitely understand the Joe Jackson comparison. It's pretty light instrumentally, but it works like 'Is She Really Going Out With Him?' I'm a fan of the upfront acoustic guitars but couldn't help pining for some jangly guitars in the choruses.
I think you've been way too light and reserved with the harmonies and backing vocals. In the chorus, I can hear the ghost of a harmony there but feel like it should be much louder, and maybe tracked. And why not add a third? You have the lush sixties chords but don't feel like you're making the most of them vocally. Same with the backing vocals in V2, the Ooh-La-Las. If it were me, I'd have those in block harmony too and louder in the mix. I just feel like if you're going to do it, you should REALLY do it, yknow?
Great tune.
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Slightly weird experience, deffo a PaulAds song and then Pompey in my head (see what I did there).
Catchy and poppy - would have gone down a storm in that Happy Valentine's competition.
Not the heaviest lyric but "I can only hit full throttle / When the Jeannie's out the bottle" made my day...
Something Beatle-ish going on in this (simple beat, backing harmonies, middle8, lots of 7th chords maybe?). Enjoyed it.
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Hi
A little bit too polite for my taste, it's nevertheless well performed and produced.
The harmonies work well.
I really like the rising guitar part under the chorus.
Got a good late 70s early 80s pop vibe to it.
Good stuff.
Digger