[Julian Ortmann]

Hey Ladies and Gentlemen,

my first post in that Forum, but it seems very nice! It's great to have feedback and the ability to communicate with other singer/songwriters!

This song is about jealousy. I am jealous at the moment, because my girlfriend start meeting her ex-boyfriend again. But tha's it... I know I can trust her in any way. I know, there is nothing between them. And that is her only male friend, she really need that I think...
I have many female friends but my girlfriend is my one and only love. It should be more difficult for her, but it isn't. Well, that's a part of the background story...
Here are the lyrics...


​
who is that guy you talk a lot to
have I just replaced him with our first kiss
its difficult for me to think about
jealousy and other things in my head
that’s because you hadn’t any male friends yet
it was never that relevant
but what was changed is the handling
between you and him and my thinking

—
It shouldn’t be wrong
It shouldn’t be wrong for us
we should be free
and continue our love
—

you said there’s nothing between you two
and I promise, I believe you
though it’s bad for me if he seems to
be everywhere even in your queue
I thought it’s okay if you write him
and it won’t be wrong for our thing
you should be free, to meet him
but it always hurts under my skin

—
It shouldn’t be wrong
It shouldn’t be wrong for us
we should be free
and continue our love
—

I know it’s more difficult for you
to see my female friends all week through
and I would like to change that,
but I need some time that it will work
I start making more friends of my sex
that I won’t find you but a short text
To put away all these misunderstandings
and concentrate on us, that’s our high ranking

-
It shouldn’t be wrong
It shouldn’t be wrong for us
we should be free
and continue our love
-

[CaliaMoko]

Hey, Julian...you've posted two songs so far and you may have noticed you're not getting much for feedback. This could be because you aren't giving anyone else feedback on anything. I recommend you take a look at the guidelines for posting songs and follow them. I suspect you'll notice an uptick in response, if you do. See the guidelines here: http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/song-reviews/guidelines-for-posting-a-song-review-please-read-before-posting/.

[CMUK]

Ok my feedback comes in two parts. You're welcome to disregard both.
Firstly, if she's seeing him a lot and actually making plans to meet up with him rather than bumping in to him and if she's writing to him.... She still loves him and you're better off out of there. She may be using you to make him jealous and you don't need that.

On your lyrics...
Basically just sounds like a letter to your girlfriend. I think it needs to be more poetic and more subtle with more imagery. Have a listen to 'Trusted' by Ben Folds, might give you some ideas.

What i'd do if i was you is, I'd trade her in for ten good songs. If you really like her it'll be hard but you might get ten good songs out of it and it's worth it.

Feel free to ignore everything I wrote, it's just my observation.

All the best,

Chris.

[KaelJay]

Hi Julian!

I think this is a male point-of-view of a typical woman's problem. And it's nice to switch things around.

The rhyming pattern is inconsistent in this writing. You switch the pattern in each verse. But it always depends on the melody. Since it has no melody, it's very awkward make a melody if you're not the writer of the song. The structure of syllables is also inconsistent. Maybe work on that too.

That's some what I could think. Hope this helps!

[adamparkerukmusic]

Hi Julian.

I will try to be constructive...

Art/Lyrics/Music is a personal thing and everyone has a different opinion and so you may disagree with all or somethings I say buddy, which of course is fine, I'm just trying to help!

I think the general idea of the song is their you just have to fill in more of the details, paint a picture more about what's going on with you two, exactly how you feel at times, how she may feel, maybe some more of the history. As someone else said it's more of a letter at the moment.  A song has got to let someone in and build more detail.

You should definitely take this out/re write it:
"I thought it’s okay if you write him
and it won’t be wrong for our thing"

You're concentrating way too much on making it rhyme everywhere.  I think this is what is stopping you developing some of the ideas and words further.  Songs generally have to rhyme in places, but you don't have to make it every line.  Maybe change the rhyme scheme, e.g. A,B,A,B,C,C,  or even just A, X , A, X B, X B, C, C, -  x meaning the line doesn't rhyme at all.

Just an idea that may work for you.  Type up the lyrics.  cut each line out, keep the lines you are really happy with and muddle them up, then you need to fill in the gaps.  David Bowie used this method for a couple of songs.

[hardtwistmusic]

For whatever reason, I first read this thinking the protagonist was a girl. 

THAT was extremely interesting.... wondering whether the two girls were lovers, best friends, etc... and what form the jealousy was taking. 

So many possibilities. 

Then I realized this was a guy not wanting his best friend/girlfriend/crush etc to see another guy.  It got really ordinary. 

Perhaps you could mine that little vein of information and make this less about you, and more about an interesting song. 

I'm not trying to sound mean... just pointing out that if your eventual goal is to interest an audience, there is a way to do so available. 

If you're just trying to express your own feelings (in which case an audience is not a factor) then what you've done is probably already theraputic enough.

[Julian Ortmann]

Thanks for all the answers! I see that I need to change the rhymes a bit. And I will do that.

This is something, I haven't spent much work on, but its nice to see the lines a little different like you did!