[Jane99]

HI:)
Please tell me what you think:)

&hd=1


Lyrics:

out of the fog, a rising star
broken girl finding her missing pieces
black dress turns into white
a barefoot nothing turns into a barefoot cinderella

this is when life changes
this is when the good wins
this is when
this is when life changes

out of the old into the new
a supressed girl living her dream
her eyes sparkling in the spotlight
she's everything they said she never would be


this is when life changes
this is when the good wins
this is when
this is when life changes


whoa
what ya saying now
she's everything you never deserved
she's everything you ever wanted to be


this is when life changes
this is when the good wins
this is when
this is when life changes

this is when this is when this is when

this is when life changes
this is when the good wins
this is when
this is when life changes

[A.Page94]

Hey, it's not too shabby. How long have you been writing songs for?

[S.T.C]

yes this is good Jane i can see the idea clearly..it looks like you were playing d-g-c-am7 chords...it`s my problem as well ,repeating a few chords ,but it sometimes makes it sound a bit samey ...although in saying that theres some great songs using a few chords...Knocking on heavens door for e.g........just keep practising and you get there.......

[hardtwistmusic]

This is a very good lyric.  Better than anything you've posted in the past in my opinion.

I'm going to suggest something. 

Force yourself out of  your comfort zone, and find at least five DIFFERENT vocal treatments for this lyric.  There is a LOT of drama that you can bring out of this lyric vocally, and the lyric DESERVES to be dramatized with the vocal. 

And I'm not suggesting that you just make some tonal changes.  Find TOTALLY different ways to vocally represent this song.  Different vocal melodys and different pacing and different ranges.  Make (at least) five totally different songs out of it vocally, then decide which is the best version. 

THEN consider keeping parts of more than just one of the versions. 

If you do this, it will happen over time.  Probable months, not weeks (depending upon your time available and your writing process).   Don't rush this to completion.  Let this "evolve" into a better song over time. 

And LISTEN over and over again to the song as it evolves.  Don't just sing it... record it and LISTEN to it.   Listening is one of the primary keys to writing.

This can get REALLY good. 

[tokenangmoh]

Hi Jane,

I agree with the above. These are strong and focused lyrics; and you could work on chordal variety (and vary the strumming patterns).

The other thing is, I was expecting something uptempo from the lyrics, and I think it might be worth trying it considerably faster.

Matt

[AmirMaor]

Very nice and cute, I like it, you can improve your sound and video but it's great