[Gallowglass]

Please forgive the use of colours with this one, they're explained at the end. It's a little something I put together in a couple of minutes about the revolution in Ukraine, and though it's far from finished I thought it worth sharing. Have a butcher's at it, guys. Tell me what you like and dislike

Forget any impressions the allusion in the first line might give you, what you're looking at is a straight-up punk protest song, in the style of this.


VERSE ONE:

Well we busted out of class
Straight up to the barricades
They'll learn more from the way we held our eyes
Than they ever could from our names

CHORUS:

Do you hear your sister's voice still coming in hard?
Do you fear the sound of flares?
Baby you can settle down they're just fireworks now
Across Independence Square

VERSE TWO:

We came bouncing off these walls
Who knew you could breathe hope?
We danced like fairies in tear gas miasmas
And blew kisses in the smoke

CHORUS:

Do you hear your sister's voice still coming in hard?
Do you fear the sound of flares?
Baby you can settle down they're just fireworks now
Across Independence Square

VERSE THREE:

They wrote our names up on the wall
In chalk like they did at school
To tell the whole world wide we beat
Our stories into swords

BRIDGE:

The asphalt's glazed in ribbons now
The rain will wash the dust
They'll be laying us down tonight
So your new dawn may live on

CHORUS:

Do you hear your sister's voice still coming in hard?
Do you fear the sound of flares?
Baby you can settle down they're just fireworks now
Across Independence Square

********************************************************************

Okay, the explanation for the colours. I'm a fan of the early Against Me! school of thought, where anyone in the band is automatically a backing vocalist, and I'm a sucker for the interplay of male and female vocals. The colours in this show how the vocals are divvied up in the song. The lead will be singing throughout: on red all sing, on yellow just the girl, on green the girl and the lead, and on blue all the guys.

[tokenangmoh]

Hello.

I think this is an excellent job.

It manages the very tricky job of being poetic but also being communicative.

I have two quibbles. The first is that I feel "miasmas" slightly over-eggs the pudding. To me it's a self-consciously fancy word that doesn't have the muscularity of the rest of the piece.

The second is "we beat / Our stories into swords". I'd previously got the impression that the protest was one of necessary resistance to brutality, but this line militarises that resistance, making it seem more planned and vicious.

Ignore if not to taste...

But yes, powerful writing.

Matt

[hardtwistmusic]

Made me think of the German Band "Scorpion" and the song "Winds of Change" about the fall of the Berlin Wall.  Hadn't thought of that beautiful song for awhile.

[Stylus]

Hi Gallowglass
                    I think this is fitting & needed.  I have been twice to the Ukraine & have many friends there.....I was at the independance Square  recently  looking like Stalingrad  &  The Ukrainian people that gave their lives  for a cause  will be remembered.
                 A salute to the fallen......but they fell to rise....for a better Ukraine.   Stylus.[img][img]

[Gallowglass]

Thank you all for the feedback guys, much appreciated. I hope your friends in Ukraine are okay, Stylus. The violence does seem to have abated, and with any luck it'll stay that way.

I agree on 'miasmas.' The original line was 'fairies in a veil of tear gas,' and on reflection that does sound better. I might change 'beat our stories into swords' to 'we wore our stories as our swords,' but that doesn't sound right.

Keep the comments coming, ladies and gentlemen

[hardtwistmusic]

 I might change 'beat our stories into swords' to 'we wore our stories as our swords,' but that doesn't sound right.

I really like "Beat our stories into swords." 

[Gallowglass]

Glad I'm not alone 

There does appear to be a minor clash with its tone and that of the rest of the song, but it might not be noticeable in a fairly loosely-arranged piece such as this. I'll probably end up trying both versions.

[adamholden]

How about, "we wove our stories into shields" ... I like the sword line but it needs expanding into the rest of the song to work.

Adam

[Paulski]

Really liked this - really defiant and brave vibes - which is a perfect mood in a punk song. Also, you capture the fear element well. My only nit is the first verse wasn't as strong as it could be. I would have rather read something like "looking in our eyes" and "looking(reading out?) at our names". Also I think the title would more obviously be "In Independance Square".
Well done on this!
Paul

[benjo]

 like this one a lot

 really strong and some really good lines
 it's always a tough thing to write about
 but for me you've done it well

 hope the music is being done too I'd like to hear this

[Gallowglass]

I'll probably put up a second version of this at some point, with all recommended adjustments made, to see what words and what doesn't. You've all been most helpful, thank you

The music is coming, but the vocals may be some way off, purely due to the amount of people needed to deliver a performance.