The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: montydog on November 03, 2016, 06:33:32 PM
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Hi Everyone,
Here's another new song off my CD. I've gone for something completely different so I'd be interested to hear if you think it works. Mastering is by the impeccable Mr Boydie.
https://soundcloud.com/alan-walker-4/boats
The air is grey from ocean spray
I'm walking through your streets
September morning
The endless days stretch away
Like the chains that tie the ships
To their moorings
And I miss you
More each day
And I love you
Like words can never say
The rusting steel and rotten keels
Of the ancient boats
Stranded on the shoreline
Reminds me of the way I feel
After too many days
Without your sunshine
A seagull flies his keening cries
Sounds just like
A babies wailing
As his mother burns the world still turns
But all the pretty flowers are fading
That I gave you yesterday
But you threw them all away
Fly away, fly away across the sea
Never say, don't you ever say
That you've forgotten me
Turn a page in the summer haze
Lying in the sun
The book you're reading
Ten thousand words like wingless birds
That look on high
And dream of flying
An anchor weighs no one stays
Long enough
To taste the winter
But I will wait though it's getting late
To see your face
One more November
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Super lyrics. Really lovely imagery and similies. They bring pictures into the mind and I can really see the scene and feel the loss / missing. I love the slow build throughout, too - the gradual introduction of elements until they're all there, and then gone. That works well and is beautifully handled, right through to the perfect introduction of the tambourine. The melody and vocals (which are great) fit all of this really well.
What I don't like is the percussive synth line that's running throughout. Once I locked onto this I couldn't get away from it and it sat on top of everything (even when other elements were louder) and I couldn't get beyond it to enjoy the song. It's probably just me and it's definitely not uncommon with me - sometimes a hi-hat or a rim shot will do the same to me and others don't seem to mind so it's probably no biggie.
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Hey Monty!
First, not a big fan of sound fx. Never have never will. That's just me. Your song is too good for that in my opinion, you don't need it.
Now to the song, seriously?!! This is a masterpiece if you ask me. I think it's fantastic. Your lyrics and especially the way you sing, with just the perfect amount of emotion in your voice. The phrasing and the sparse melody, I've got nothing but praise for it all. Superb.
The production, well, I'm more for an all acoustic sounding production but I understand not all songs can follow my wishes and demands!!?! ;-) That aside I didn't think your production did any harm to the very wonderful piece of music you've written, so I guess I'll let it slide for now. =)
Overall you should be proud of this one. I love it!
S
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Wow Alan,quite a musical departure for you on this track. :o
Awesome imagery depicted by the lyrics,I can taste the salty air as I nurse my regret and desolation.
Loved it all. :)
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That is most excellent! I most definitely think it works. I have to get really picky to find any nits, but I found two. They're only grammar, so nothing to do with the music or lyric overall, both of which are totally first class in my book.
First grammar nit is this part:
The rusting steel and rotten keels
Of the ancient boats
Stranded on the shoreline
Reminds me of the way I feel
The sentence, without the parenthetical description is "The rusting steel and rotten keels...remind me of...." instead of "reminds me of".
The other one--I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding it, or if it's really a grammar nit. It's this bit:
A seagull flies his keening cries
Sounds just like
A babies wailing
If you add punctuation, I think this is saying "A seagull flies; his keening cries sound just like a baby's wailing." If I got it wrong, just kick me off the dock.
Bottom line is, I don't have any worthwhile nits, so I have to rely on picky grammar issues...I'm putting your song on my new sharing list. I've started posting links to songs by "obscure singer-songwriters" on my Facebook and Twitter accounts, in the hope people will share them and they'll get more extensive exposure. Aren't you just excited??? ;D
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I was very surprised by this from you Alan. It's a big departure form the other stuff of yours that I've heard and I really liked it. You've developed a great ambience. Vocals are understated but convey the emotion perfectly. Like the subtle synth backings. Good stuff
John
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Beautiful song and damn fine lyrics, nice production and arrangement..
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Leonard Cohen meets Echo and the Bunnymen with a hint of Tom Rush. Definitely works for me.
The words suggested a longing for a past love, the music hints at something far more sinister. Right up my street.
Keith
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Well I've not heard your other stuff but I like this very much. Crystal clear production encourages listening, and you've got that spot on. Clever and emotional lyrics and an insistent and infectious groove. I really liked this song.
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Very nice song!
I really like your voice and your lyrics and the way this song builds. Well produced as well. Don't really have any feedback for you other than good job!
/R&L
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This is simply the best thing you've done Alan. The arrangement, melody, lyrics, cross-rhythms, chorus...emotion, it has everything. It still has your vocal character but with a real heartfelt ambience that really shines through. It is simply stunning.
The instrumentation and arrangement are pushing your boundaries and it is great to hear. A load of thought has gone into this and it shows. I so dig the chorus, I simply wasn't expecting it but it works and sticks in the head. You've got a real piece of art here.
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Lovely song
I like the recurring synth in the song.
Vocals are well produced and haunting.
I like sound affects!
Great lyrics too.
Sandeep
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Very different from your usual stuff. I actually like the field recordings. There is a lot of space in this track, it creates this really ambient feel and once you have caught on to the rhythm of the vocals it lulls you in to this mellow place. Really enjoyed!
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Hi Alan,
Very nice write.
I like the addition of the synthy sounds. Something of a departure from your signature sound.
Vocals are top notch.
It was like a folksy Enya.
Well thought out and constructed piece.
Digger
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this is lovely, Alan
i wouldn't have thought that the synth-y sounds would have worked well with your old-fashioned vocal style...but it worked brilliantly...nice job :)
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Hi, very good stuff.
I'm undecided whether the main synth is too much all the way through but that's probably just me.
I agree with an earlier poster that the sfx cheapen it a little, perhaps the waves with the gulls.mthis isn't to say I haven't used them myself but I don't think you need them.
Impressive lyrics.
Well done.
Yodasdad
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very good Alan
powerful song
authentic.
excellent job!
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Wow, that was really something different! :o :o
Kudos for moving out of your comfort zone! As several has already pointed out the lyrics are fab and your vocals works great in this context as well. Production sounds good but I think the vox is to up front esp. in the first part, the balance is a bit better later on. I would also have prefered electronic drum sound for this track but that is of course a matter of taste.
A very brave and successful attemp at moving out fof the box!
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Wow what a massive change of style allan! ...good for you & a very brave thing to do & to pull it off so fabulously well!
Loved the synths & the sea sounds ...i was back on the prom at shanklin with a cornetto in my hand! :)
I dont prefer it to your guitar stuff but it is a breath of sea air vacuuming the dust out of that comfy sofa sound youve had for so long :)
I notice things recur in your lyrics ...usually lost love & theres always lots of old rusty things from the past lying about & lots of gazing into the distance & lots of reminiscing ..
omg I must be getting on a bit to recognise it :o
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Very compelling listen, Monty.
The ambiance, here, is haunting, as the lyrics lift this into something somewhat sober.
There's an eerie edge to this that brings me right in.
Good stuff, Monty!!
-Tom
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Wow very different from your usual music you bring but in a very good way
I really like this a lot but I did not like the extra instrumentation when it started up in 3 verse, to me it got muddy, I think this song could have gone all the way without that
cheers
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Hi
Great song! I like the vocals and the melody!
I´m not an electronic fan but I can say - well done!
Would love to hear a version with real drums and guitars :-)
Cheers
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:)
you tried sth different.
very beautiful; i think the whole drum section needs more low end and should be louder.
But yeah; definitely new and very beautiful arranged; the spacy pad sounds are great; i also hear a cello or violin?
the new instrumental approach also changed the way you sing - the phrasings.
Reals a GREAT effort and a beautiful song with beautiful words.
B
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Hi Everyone,
Many thanks to all who took the time and trouble to listen and comment. This was something I had never tried before so i'm glad that the feedback was so positive.
:)
you tried somthing different.
very beautiful; i think the whole drum section needs more low end and should be louder.
But yeah; definitely new and very beautiful arranged; the spacy pad sounds are great; i also hear a cello or violin?
the new instrumental approach also changed the way you sing - the phrasings.
Reals a GREAT effort and a beautiful song with beautiful words.
B
Thanks, Butcher - very perceptive review.
Hi
Great song! I like the vocals and the melody!
I´m not an electronic fan but I can say - well done!
Would love to hear a version with real drums and guitars :-)
Cheers
I tried this originally with guitars but just couldn't make it work. This format really came about via desperation!
Wow very different from your usual music you bring but in a very good way
I really like this a lot but I did not like the extra instrumentation when it started up in 3 verse, to me it got muddy, I think this song could have gone all the way without that
cheers
Thanks for the kind words. i brought the extra instrumentation in to maintain interest. Without that, it was a bit samey all the way through
Very compelling listen, Monty.
The ambiance, here, is haunting, as the lyrics lift this into something somewhat sober.
There's an eerie edge to this that brings me right in.
Good stuff, Monty!!
-Tom
Thanks Tom. I was aiming for a feeling of something unsaid going on behind the lyrics and I think you've got that.
Wow what a massive change of style allan! ...good for you & a very brave thing to do & to pull it off so fabulously well!
Loved the synths & the sea sounds ...i was back on the prom at shanklin with a cornetto in my hand! :)
I dont prefer it to your guitar stuff but it is a breath of sea air vacuuming the dust out of that comfy sofa sound youve had for so long :)
I notice things recur in your lyrics ...usually lost love & theres always lots of old rusty things from the past lying about & lots of gazing into the distance & lots of reminiscing ..
omg I must be getting on a bit to recognise it :o
Hi Tinam,
I'm pleased that you liked the change. You may remember you made similar comments about my last song "Sunset Cafe" so change is something I do try every now and then. I do have certain themes and i do have a style of writing which probably explains the certain motifs turn up.
Wow, that was really something different! :o :o
Kudos for moving out of your comfort zone! As several has already pointed out the lyrics are fab and your vocals works great in this context as well. Production sounds good but I think the vox is to up front esp. in the first part, the balance is a bit better later on. I would also have prefered electronic drum sound for this track but that is of course a matter of taste.
A very brave and successful attemp at moving out fof the box!
Thanks for the lovely comments. The volume of the various parts of the mix is a matter of taste - others have recommended the opposite of what you prefer. The saying goes "You can't please everyone so you'd better please yourself". ;)
Hi, very good stuff.
I'm undecided whether the main synth is too much all the way through but that's probably just me.
I agree with an earlier poster that the sfx cheapen it a little, perhaps the waves with the gulls.mthis isn't to say I haven't used them myself but I don't think you need them.
Impressive lyrics.
Well done.
Yodasdad
Thanks for the comments. I see where you're coming from but I don't agree. Used carefully, the effects can enhance the immersion and set the scene of the song which they do here.
this is lovely, Alan
i wouldn't have thought that the synth-y sounds would have worked well with your old-fashioned vocal style...but it worked brilliantly...nice job :)
Thanks. I wasn't sure the combination would work either. "Old fashioned" eh? If it's fashionable now, it's going to sound dated next week so I prefer "vintage" or "retro". It will come around again ;D
Hi Alan,
Very nice write.
I like the addition of the synthy sounds. Something of a departure from your signature sound.
Vocals are top notch.
It was like a folksy Enya.
Well thought out and constructed piece.
Digger
A folksy Enya? I'll definately take that as a compliment. Glad you liked the track.
Lovely song
I like the recurring synth in the song.
Vocals are well produced and haunting.
I like sound affects!
Great lyrics too.
Sandeep
Thanks Sandeep - your comments are much appreciated as always.
This is simply the best thing you've done Alan. The arrangement, melody, lyrics, cross-rhythms, chorus...emotion, it has everything. It still has your vocal character but with a real heartfelt ambience that really shines through. It is simply stunning.
The instrumentation and arrangement are pushing your boundaries and it is great to hear. A load of thought has gone into this and it shows. I so dig the chorus, I simply wasn't expecting it but it works and sticks in the head. You've got a real piece of art here.
Martyn,
That's one of the best reviews of my work that I've ever heard and it really made my day. I thought that this track was pretty special and it's gratifying to hear that others agree. Many thanks again.
Well I've not heard your other stuff but I like this very much. Crystal clear production encourages listening, and you've got that spot on. Clever and emotional lyrics and an insistent and infectious groove. I really liked this song.
Thanks Bill. This is completely unlike my other songs from an instrumental point of view but lyrically, melodically and vocally it's pretty representative.
Super lyrics. Really lovely imagery and similies. They bring pictures into the mind and I can really see the scene and feel the loss / missing. I love the slow build throughout, too - the gradual introduction of elements until they're all there, and then gone. That works well and is beautifully handled, right through to the perfect introduction of the tambourine. The melody and vocals (which are great) fit all of this really well.
What I don't like is the percussive synth line that's running throughout. Once I locked onto this I couldn't get away from it and it sat on top of everything (even when other elements were louder) and I couldn't get beyond it to enjoy the song. It's probably just me and it's definitely not uncommon with me - sometimes a hi-hat or a rim shot will do the same to me and others don't seem to mind so it's probably no biggie.
Hi delboy. You're the only person who didn't like the synth which is the part that I think really makes the song but I understand everyone hears everything differently. I appreciate your positive feedback on the song itself - those compliments mean a lot.
Wow Alan,quite a musical departure for you on this track. :o
Awesome imagery depicted by the lyrics,I can taste the salty air as I nurse my regret and desolation.
Loved it all. :)
Hi Skub,
You got it! So plased that you liked the new sound and the song itself.
"That is most excellent! I most definitely think it works. I have to get really picky to find any nits, but I found two. They're only grammar, so nothing to do with the music or lyric overall, both of which are totally first class in my book.
First grammar nit is this part:
The rusting steel and rotten keels
Of the ancient boats
Stranded on the shoreline
Reminds me of the way I feel
The sentence, without the parenthetical description is "The rusting steel and rotten keels...remind me of...." instead of "reminds me of".
The other one--I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding it, or if it's really a grammar nit. It's this bit:
A seagull flies his keening cries
Sounds just like
A babies wailing
If you add punctuation, I think this is saying "A seagull flies; his keening cries sound just like a baby's wailing." If I got it wrong, just kick me off the dock.
Bottom line is, I don't have any worthwhile nits, so I have to rely on picky grammar issues...I'm putting your song on my new sharing list. I've started posting links to songs by "obscure singer-songwriters" on my Facebook and Twitter accounts, in the hope people will share them and they'll get more extensive exposure. Aren't you just excited??? Grin"
Thanks CalioMoko. A bit weird that you took up so much time over minor gramatical niggles but that's your way. Pleased that you could see past those and like d the song anyway.
I was very surprised by this from you Alan. It's a big departure form the other stuff of yours that I've heard and I really liked it. You've developed a great ambience. Vocals are understated but convey the emotion perfectly. Like the subtle synth backings. Good stuff
John
Thanks, John. You pretty much reflect what a lot of people have said so I'm happy.
Beautiful song and damn fine lyrics, nice production and arrangement..
shadowfax
Thanks, Kevin. that means a lot coming from the maestro.
Leonard Cohen meets Echo and the Bunnymen with a hint of Tom Rush. Definitely works for me.
The words suggested a longing for a past love, the music hints at something far more sinister. Right up my street.
Keith
Thanks keith,
What a trio of comparisons! I'm truly flattered. I'm so pleased that you liked the song.
Thanks once again to everyone who posted.
M
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Hi Alan, well, I didn't expect that! I loved the melody as it went in a direction I didn't expect. The lyrics are excellent too! Lovely vocal and the Production sounds great too. Very different for you, and a welcome departure for that!
Really good Alan!
Cheers
Jamie
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Hi Alan
Very nice to hear sth different from you - way to push the envelope!
This has a nice wistful feel to it and the seagull sounds really fit.
Vocals a quality as usual.
TBH I found it a minute too long (I sound like a broken record on length don't I?)
and I would have liked a break from the lead vocal with another instrument taking a short solo just to keep things fresh. But hard to find any nit bigger than those tiny ones.
Nice work - great to hear you producing again
Paul
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Hey Alan I like this very much. Lyrics are very good and music is fine and in a new style what is very good. ;)
Only the first part till 0.56 is worth to work on again. Music is cool but I think you have to redo the singing in some parts of the first minute. Sometimes it sounds like you not feeling comfortable.(only for me and only the first minute)
Very nice developing song.
Alexander
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Hi Alan
I really liked this song and the way it develops. I think the synth sound was the defining part for me. The lyrics really do capture the feeling, and it takes me back to the lovely Cornish fishing villages of Mousehole and Sennen, though I dont normally feel melancholic there! I would have loader drums, but that's just my taste.
Really lovely song
James
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Alan,
Great lyrics and good melody. I think I prefer it when the whole of the backing is there rather than the intro but that's probably me being conservative whilst you're pushing the boundaries. Did you write it like that or on a guitar?
:)
Neil
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The lyrics are very evocative and are the highlight for me of a very good song.
I guess people either like the synths or not: I would vary it ( possibly drop it in the middle and leave it at the beginning and end) but that is very much down to personal taste. Overall, I agree with the feedback from others, this is really something special, well done.
Kevin
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Hi Alan
Very nice to hear sth different from you - way to push the envelope!
This has a nice wistful feel to it and the seagull sounds really fit.
Vocals a quality as usual.
TBH I found it a minute too long (I sound like a broken record on length don't I?)
and I would have liked a break from the lead vocal with another instrument taking a short solo just to keep things fresh. But hard to find any nit bigger than those tiny ones.
Nice work - great to hear you producing again
Paul
Thanks for listening Paul. I was trying to create a dreamlike mood which I didn't want to break by introducing a break or a different instrument. The focus was on the story, the lyrics and the atmosphere. I'm not trying to write hits so I'll take as long as the song needs even if it's over 4 minutes :-)
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Hey Alan I like this very much. Lyrics are very good and music is fine and in a new style what is very good. ;)
Only the first part till 0.56 is worth to work on again. Music is cool but I think you have to redo the singing in some parts of the first minute. Sometimes it sounds like you not feeling comfortable.(only for me and only the first minute)
Very nice developing song.
Alexander
Great to hear from you and thanks for commenting on my song. I don't really get what you mean about the first minute and no-one else has noticed anything - weird. Anyhow, thanks again.
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Hi Alan
I really liked this song and the way it develops. I think the synth sound was the defining part for me. The lyrics really do capture the feeling, and it takes me back to the lovely Cornish fishing villages of Mousehole and Sennen, though I dont normally feel melancholic there! I would have loader drums, but that's just my taste.
Really lovely song
James
Thank you, James. I'm pleased that you picked up that it's the synth sound that carries this song and matches the subject matter. Melancholic Cornish seaside villages is just the feel I was after. Try going in the winter when the sea mist is rolling in......
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Alan,
Great lyrics and good melody. I think I prefer it when the whole of the backing is there rather than the intro but that's probably me being conservative whilst you're pushing the boundaries. Did you write it like that or on a guitar?
:)
Neil
Hi Neil,
Thanks for the positive feedback. I wrote it on the guitar like everything I do but it wasn't waorking so I messed about with garageband and fell upon this sound.
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The lyrics are very evocative and are the highlight for me of a very good song.
I guess people either like the synths or not: I would vary it ( possibly drop it in the middle and leave it at the beginning and end) but that is very much down to personal taste. Overall, I agree with the feedback from others, this is really something special, well done.
Kevin
Thank you so much Kevin. Your comments made my day. I try so hard to write decent lyrics so it's gratifying when people "get" them. I'm delighted that you thought it was something really special - once I'd found that synth sound and combined it with what I already had, I thought that too. It's probably one of the 2 or 3 songs of the 70 or so I've posted on here that i'm most proud of.
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Alan - very high standard of writing here - I particularly liked the internal rhymes and in the first verse especially your use of the sounds of the words seemed really successful.
The backing seemed really well chosen and arranged too. I was in two minds whether the relentlessness of the track was correct - up till 2.00 you can hear the build and after that some details but I thought it might ebb and flow (hoho) a bit more. Perhaps you might do something different with the drums which did sound a bit samey all through? Just a thought.
All in all a great listen and I really liked the juxtaposition of your vocal and the synths.