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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: MichaelA on May 22, 2019, 01:59:35 PM
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Here's a narrative song I have just finished after spending time day-dreaming about some old school friends + some gender related issues that seem to have grown in prevalence in recent years, usually for the good. The story/lyrics became the most interesting bit for me, but as its timeline spans many years then I think I may have overdone the length a bit. Let me know please.
Secondly I have tried a slightly different vocal technique featuring dual voices an octave apart in the feature sections, apart from the end when I have reverted to my usual style of harmonising. Maybe it worked, who knows! ;)
https://soundcloud.com/michael-a-duffy/agnes-battersby (https://soundcloud.com/michael-a-duffy/agnes-battersby)
LYRICS:
Agnes Battersby
If you remember
Our dictionary, no word ‘transgender’
It was not yet invented
Folk were firmly oriented
But you inspired me
With thoughts that would hot wire me
Androgynous illusion
For the rest of us - confusion
In awe you were that girl
And I would always dream of you
Agnes Battersby from our school
Enigmatic, so cool
That was you
I always wanted to be you
Agnes Battersby from our school
Who no one would dare ridicule
That was true
(Still I do
Want to be just like you
Wah-hoo)
A whole life later
I become investigator
And I stalk you out on Facebook
Your aura cannot be mistook
You gladly greet me
A relief, then plan to meet me
I feel my head go spinning
It’s real, I might be winning
But are you still that girl?
RPT CHORUS
In the fake authentic South American coffee bar
Your statuesque frame fills the door
And you stride over, hug me, maybe take it too far
Kiss my lips till my lips become sore
Then you say it
I look different
But maybe in a good way
And I say it
I am different
Cos of you
I turned out this way
Cos of you
I’m this person today
RPT CHORUS
Now I do
Feel exactly like you
Here’s a clue
Meet Sue
Wah hoo
I’m Sue
Wah hoo
I’m Sue
Wah hoo
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Love this, Michael. I was expecting it to be funny, but it's sweet and beautiful. Great singing. I'm listening as I write, and I don't think it's too long. I'm at the middle 8, and it keeps it fresh throughout. Great one. Definitely not too long.
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A great modern sound and a well written synopsis
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Thought this was really good Michael. It's a very cleverly put together song which is as catchy as anything. You always tell a fascinating story with your lyrics. Your own unmistakable vocal style which I think makes your music particularly unique and I like what you've done harmony wise. Together with those twangy guitars makes it an absolute cracker :)
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Very original combination of sounds. The dual octave vocals work a treat... I'd bank that technique for future use... I've tried it sometimes too but yours sound a lot more natural. Lyrically what a great theme... very clever, nice twist in the tail - it has that Jarvis Cocker-esque, urban, slightly kinky feel to it. Splendid indie pop.
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Thanks for these comments folks!
@redrhodie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21171) cheers! I don't think anyone has called my music 'sweet and beautiful' before, so I will take that! ;D Amazing!!!
@Skub (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20061) , ta, yeah relatively modern I guess, thank you kind sir. But while I am on, how come all your songs on Soundcloud have hundreds of listens and I struggle to get just a few. Apart from you being a creative genius, ha ha! What's your secret?! ;D
Thanks John, very kind of you @pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269). As deserving winner of the Spring Quest you are obviously a discerning listener! ;D
cheers @PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) , I'm a fan of old Jarvis, so don't mind that comparison at all + thanks for the affirmation re the dual octave vox, which I enjoyed doing!
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Really fascinating stuff, reminds me of listening to Prefab Sprout. I could imagine Paddy McAloon writing to something like this.
And is the Sue at the end a Boy Named Sue thing? Little Johnny Cash reference?
Musically really works. Vocals work is super, especially the octave vocals in the chorus.
Great listen and thought provoking.
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Thanks @tboswell (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20223) , I really like Prefab Sprout though I doubt I will ever reach the creative heights of their leader, Paddy M. Your comment made me search to see what he is up to today, and he is still going relatively strong, although not particularly healthy these days. But still writing every day, he says, which is amazing.
Yes, there is indeed a bit of a throwback to the Johnny Cash song. I thought it showed how attitudes had changed these past decades. There was a guy being teased about his name and being more macho as a result. Here we have a guy who WANTS to be Sue! ;D
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Amazing song.
I think you were very lucky to have her in the school.
An unlikely inspiration, stranger than fiction.
All the folks from my school were slow burners if anything at all, oh including myself.
Well done.
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Thanks for this @Rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219). Well the fictitious 'Agnes' in the song is a dreamt up combination of a couple of different real-life girls I knew and worshipped so many years ago!
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Hi Micheal,
A great pop sound track, this track and your vocal reminds of Pulp or baby face. I saw them on TFI Friday.
I am glad I gave it a full listen as wasn't sure to start from but clever lyrics and a pop sound helped to get me engaged.
Nice track dude,.
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Have to say, I'm fascinated by the rhythmic placement and phrasing of the vocals. Nearly exclusively polyrhythmic and offbeat. That is an awesome touch, and it works beautifully.
As for the story and the general lyricism of the song, have to give you top marks for that too. It's engaging, and interesting. The first verse especially, a fantastic opening gambit.
Very britpop, and awesome. I'd love to hear what it would sound like with a really nice grand piano highlighting the chords on it.
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Yeah, very offbeat and accentuated by the tremolo anti-rhythm in the Chorus, along with those triplet Agnes Battersby lyric - made me mind swirl.
Not too convinced about the Mid 8, that seems too long, could have been sung by a Human League kind of female vocalist, the split octaves Vox works very well.
Really nice work Michael. Top Top work.
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Great song Michael. The lyrics are absolutely brilliant. Wasn't sure where the story was going until the twist and then everything fell into place. Production and delivery in that unique style are to your usual high standards. Like Cowparsleyman I was also not convinced by the M8. It's just not needed. Try another version without it. Will be worth it
Cheers Micky
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Hey @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) - this is indeed a sweet song.. It's more serious than your recent material while still retaining that humorous and quirky turn of phrase. Sorry I know I overuse "quirky" with you but I mean it as a compliment... I remember back when you talked about your "sound" well I think it's firmly this. I just LOVE it... Lyrics are superb.. great story, great instrumentation...
I could have saved myself and you all the wordiness - one word really would do it: Wahoo!
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Thanks for all these latest comments guys, much appreciated.
@Cawproductions (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20938) , thanks for giving it a full listen - especially as the punch line comes only in the last few phrases!
@David Christy Jones (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21130) thanks for that more technical analysis. I have been experimenting lately with different approaches to vocals v instrumental counter melodies. Glad you thought some of this worked, and nice to meet you by the way.
@cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) thanks for the mostly positive response. Same @mickyplankton (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20769) :). But seeing you both mentioned the mid8 I will reflect on this. Maybe there needs to a shorter 'single' version without it, as I realise it's a bit long. Sometimes it is tricky with narrative songs, where the story is king, to fit everything in! Cheers guys!
@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) , thanks for these supportive words Karen! On the subject of my 'sound' I am pleased to say that these days I am getting more and more comments on and offline that folk are recognising a signature sound in my stuff, esp a signature vocal sound. So I think that is good progress when I think where I was a couple of years back - completely lost, ha! ;D Anyhow, I'm glad you liked this story, you seem to be a sucker for a good tale! ;) And so 'Wahoo' back at you!
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Hi Michael,
the music took me back to some of the singles released in the late 1970s. I can imagine Jilted John singing this, definitely a good thing.
The only thing that didn't work for me was the rhyming scheme in the middle 8. It was too much of a jolt to the system and took me away from the song thinking that sounds odd, he's switched the rhymes. I didn't think the meaning of the words were strong enough to support the jolt. The second half of the middle 8 was very impressive.
A great way to start my Saturday morning. Feel free to ignore me if you disagree.
Keith
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So much authentic happiness, those childish sounds are great, fit song perfectly. Also it brings back school memories so it is bittersweet for me. Still more sweet than bitter :)
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Hi Michael @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274)
Every now and again on this forum you come across a song that really deserves a much wider audience - this is 100% one of those songs, it's a real gem.
I honestly love everything about it. The vocal style you have tried and the octave vocals are brilliant - both work really well.There is a great instrumental hook running through the thing. The words are so relevant today, the lyrics are clever and original and yet you keep some humour in there too. Musically it's got a happy upbeat vibe running through it.
Utterly fabulous!
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Hi Keith @diademgrove (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19135) , yay Jilted John! That's a blast from the past! Mind I would settle for a one hit wonder career like him! Cheers for that, made me smile! ;D
Thanks @Jibbek (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22379) , glad the school memories you have are more sweet than bitter! ;)
Hello Bill @Bill Saunders (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18525) , wow that's a very kind review! I think I need to put it on the song's single cover if there will be ever be such a thing! ;) Thanks for this! Here's to my one-hit-wonder career taking off!
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Well..it's all been said :) this is a very good song with ultra interesting lyrics and those harmonies work so well..super track 8) 8) :) :)
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Listened. Nothing original to say. Love the harmonies. And all of it, really. If I were in a nit picky mood, I might discuss strong and weak beats and where they fall, but I'm not. And, besides, in this case, it might suit the song. I'm not sure. Because, like, I'm not in the mood.... :P ::) ;D
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Fabulous.
On first listen,it didn’t quite hit the spot for me, somehow...
I’m very much a fan of yours, and I’ve followed the story of your vocal journey with interest having been on a bit of a kerfuffle of my own in that regard.
I absolutely get the idea of making your singing distinctive and it’s working great for you...but, sticking my neck out, could I possibly dare to suggest holding a little bit back? I thought maybe the “wahoo” bits in particular were in danger of dipping one tootsie into the murky soup of novelty. Please don’t take that the wrong way...it’s just a thought from a misery-guts who really admires what you do.
Anyway...the production and overall sound didn’t quite sit with me...and I couldn’t figure out why it felt like it fell slightly short of being fantastic. I left it for a while and when I came back to it,I came to the conclusion that it is such a special song that it needs a production that’s probably beyond most of our abilities to do it justice. You’ve done a very good job on it...I just felt it’s one of those songs that could genuinely go pro.
I loved the new order and pulp feeling I got from it...and although the lyrics felt too personal for me to identify with...they’re very clever and expertly crafted.
The title made me assume it was some kind of piss-take initially...like a character that Les Dawson (a genius and one of my all-time favourites) might have created. It was, of course, a sucker punch and you had successfully led me up the garden path. It’s very tender and poignant. Bravo :)
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Thanks for these comments @shadowfax (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20024) and @CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) , much appreciated! ;)
Hi @PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253) thanks so much for your detailed comments which if I'm honest I agreed with mostly. I think the extrovert vocal persona maybe was a little over the top, but I was trying to get across the exuberant joy the protagonist felt at revealing his long-time secret to Agnes.
Production wise, well I think I am not going to get much better unless I quite my ipad and garageband combo. My songs are inevitably demos, but of course I would love them to sound better! ;)
As for the Agnes Battersby comic name, yes good shout on Les Dawson. I came up with this when remembering some very beautiful girls I knew when growing up in a Lancashire Mill Town. Surnames like Ramsbottom, Eckersley and Crankshaw seemed somehow at odds with the beauty of these old heart throbs!
Cheers, made me think these words!
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Hi,
I love the musical setting - a perfect match for the song which is beautifully written in a Jarvis Cockeresque style. Could hold it's own on a pro album.
No negatives from me except maybe a little long.
Alan
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Listened a few times and have a bit of a love-hate relationship with this one!
Love: those lyrical touches - "oriented", "mistook". The story - I also don't think it's really possible to tell it with fewer verses.
Possibly I might have gone with a shorter chorus at least early on, to try to be a bit more "hooky", not sure...
Less love: the wahoos. Generally, I do like "interjections" in songs as they can really be hooky and singalong-y. I get that it's an important concept here - but I think my issue was that it rhymed, and so gave me a bit of a "Keyboard, Oh Lord" moment.
So not really hate, but that just took a little shine off for me... (sorry! Still, you're in good company).
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Hi Michael,
Interesting song.
I too could imagine Jarvis singing this.
Some interesting sounds in there makes it that bit different - which is always a good thing.
Thought the vocal delivery was really engaging.
Digger
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Hi all, thanks for these latest comments.
@montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653), yes maybe it is a little long, but having tried an edit on one version I think it will have to stay that way! Thanks for the kind words though! ;)
Hi Adam @adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) , well I know you like quirky songs generally, so I will take your comments on the vocal seriously. I think I maybe need not to get too carried away with it in future. But 'love/hate' is not always a bad thing. I've had people say that about my entire style - you either love it, or hate it. But at least it is not bland and so I think it hits a niche audience generally, which I am quite OK with. Looks like I will die poor but happy! ;)
Hey @digger72 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=9823) thanks for stopping by, glad you liked it.