[JakePage]

Hey, new to the forum, just thought id submit a few songs I've written and see if I can get any feedback. I sing too and I have the melody to the lyrics, but i haven't produced any recordings, would it be worth uploading a vocal recording alone?

This songs about taking risks and living while you have the chance, and not living by the guidelines society gives.             
                                                      We are young


Down in the city of New Orleans,
I met a girl who lived wild and free,
She had the face of an angel
and the grace of a queen,
and a vigor that only i could see

We spent countless summer days under the sun,
I was the envy of everyone
oh the joy we shared it seemed would always last,
but the months turned to years
and soon those days were past

Then one day she took me by the hand,
by the river in Harahan..... and she told me

We are young, we are young,
so lets live like there's no tomorrow,
yea we are young, we are young,
so lets live as if we die today.......now kiss me and lets be on our way

Well seven years now we've been on the road,
just a Chevy 69 and memories by the truck load,
maybe some day we'll find our way back home,
but for now were drifting like a rolling stone

by the click of a finger we could settle down,
wait to die in a tranquil town,
but id rather my sons have stories to be told
by the passing of youth and the coming of old

Words to live by......

We are young, we are young
so lets live like there's no tomorrow,
we are young, we are young
so lets live as if we die today.........now kiss me and lets be on our way

How many summers will come and die
the bitter jubilation as the years roll bye
oh the glory of twenty-five
the sweetest time
feelin' alive!

(slower)
Oh we are young, we are young
so lets live like there's no tomorrow
we are young, we are young,
so lets live as if we die today.......now kiss me and lets be on our way

                                         

[diademgrove]

Hi Jake,

I really like the chorus, I'm not sure about the use of the word "so". I prefer less short connecting words but if it fits the melody in your head please ignore me.

It seems you have 5 verses which is a lot of words to tell your story and I'm not sure what it is. The first two verses set up the chorus and put you in a relationship that other people admire. The chorus suggests that she then tells you to leave which I found a bit confusing.

The next 2 verses suggest you kill her and go on the run and want to tell your children about it. The last verse suggests that the best time of your life was when you killed her.

If this is the case then they don't seem to fit with the chorus. To me the chorus is about the joy of being young, not living life on the run.

An alternative would be to change the "your way" to "our way" in the chorus and set up a joint killing spree like Bonnie and Clyde, as depicted in the film. Its a great chorus and it seems a shame to hide it in the confusion caused by the verses.

I may be barking up the wrong tree, feel free to ignore me if I am.

Keith

 

[JakePage]

Hey Keith

Yea I think the lyrics can be a little confusing, but that's intentional, I want them to have a touch of mystery.

In this case, The song has nothing to do with killing her at all, I can see how you'd get that idea though. The first two verses are a childhood memory, in which the boy shares a special friendship with the girl, and the reason she tells hims the chorus, is because in the spur of the moment shes expressing that she has romantic feelings for him, and shes proposing a first kiss, hence 'now kiss me and be on your way'. (be on your way meaning that their going to go their separate ways for the evening).

For the third and fourth verses, being on the run is just my way of signalling that hes a drifter, (hes  on the run from reality) and the gun symbolizes he lives life on the edge. this is where the first verses come in, because that memory was his inspiration for living how he does, as he took to heart those words she said.
He wants to live life to the extreme, experiencing all that he can every day, instead of going through life in a boring job, living a routine life hes adventuring everyday, in different places, meeting different people.  The chorus acts as his motto to life, taken from what the girl said to him.

So yea, the songs all about an ideology to life, to instead of sticking to the path that society expects us to walk,( college, career etc) to live exactly how you like, and just enjoy every moment.

[diademgrove]

Hi Jake,

thanks for the explanation. I can see how the lyrics would work but why try and confuse the person reading/hearing your words? Your lyrics will leave some people dissatisfied because they don't understand your words, some people like me will invent their own story which with influence their reaction, and some people will just give up.

The first two verses and chorus are really strong, they place the girl/woman centre stage, but then she disappears and all that's left is a chorus that's far too strong to be an echo from the past.

What you may consider is making the woman the drifter by changing the last line of the chorus to "kiss me and I'll be on my way".

Verses 3 and 4 could then be the struggle between the life led by the singer (2.4 cars, car and mortgage?) and the live led by the woman as he follows her exploits on the road from family, friends, etc.

The final verse could be I'm pleased I stayed at home or why didn't I follow her advice, depending on how you feel.

Feel free to ignore my thoughts if they don't fit in with how you see the song.

Keith

[hardtwistmusic]

I agree with Keith.  I've been writing lyrics for as long as I can remember.  There is absolutely no NEED to "confuse people" to create mystery.

Those who wish to be confused (or who are habitually confused) will simply not hear any parts of your lyric they don't want to hear. 

Few people will listen hard enough to your lyrics to even GET the mystery you so carefully nurtured there.... and many of them will (as Keith did) feel baffled by it more than challenged. 

It's always a bad idea to tell TOO MUCH of the story.  Leave parts out so that the listener can fill in the blanks from his/her own experience... but be VERY careful not to mislead them with complex metaphors or allegories or other devices that send them in a false direction.  That's just advice from someone who has never had a song published btw... but I'm pretty sure it's good advice. 

The vast majority of listeners CAN'T puzzle their way through an excessively complex set of symbolic lines, and most of those who CAN, won't. 

My best advice would be Shorten and simplify. 

Regarding your a-capella sung version.  WAYYYYYYYYY worthwhile. 

And, if someone hears your song and it "speaks to them" there are many people here (myself included) who can get you at least rudimentary accompaniment for it as you sing it. 

AND.... if you have time and a minimal investment (to purchase software, not to send to me) you can begin writing your own accompaniment with an investment of around $30.00 and about 40 hours of learning time. 

If any of that interests you, feel free to ask me about it.

[GTB]

Hi Jake,
Great idea for a song.  I tried to 'think' the rhythm (using Eagles tempo) but I was left confused by the different number of lines in the verses (first 2 have 5, the rest have 4) and their different length.  This made it hard for me to appreciate fully so I would say a vocal only version would help a lot.
cheers,
GTB

[JakePage]

Just updated it, its a lot more straightforward now and more focal on the main message of the song, hopes its less confusing now!

cheers

[diademgrove]

Not only less confusing but much, much better. I hope you agree.

Got to go to work,

Keith

[JakePage]

Yea I feel this is miles better than my original, I wrote it ages ago, literally just make my songs up on the spot while recording then write up what I sung so they always need a little touching up tobmake sense, its just easier to create the tune that way I feel

[hardtwistmusic]

This is now infinitely better.  more later