- Does the melody have the ability to draw you in, & make you feel something?
I'm not sure about this. The melody is very repetitious and does not vary much in pattern or range...almost, but not quite, like a chant. A chant can be mesmerizing and is good for encouraging reflection.
- Do the lyrics have potential to get in your head, make you think about yourself & your own life?
Yes. I especially like the use of near rhymes to create some instability.
- Does it flow from section to section in a way that works? If not, any advice to fix the transitioning points?
I like the contrasts in the guitar playing styles from section to section. For me it definitely works.
- What are the weakest points, what does it need to boost it up, make it better, especially musically?
Possible weak spots: I remember that afternoon in December Why December? Is the afternoon in December specifically important to the song? It doesn't work for me, as the rest of the song seems to be a description of (1) how you used to be, (2) how you are now and (3) how you plan/expect to get back to the more desirable way you used to be. It feels more expansive than any specific afternoon in December.
but one day I looked up above. I have an automatic bias against the phrase "up above" (or "on high"). They're just too cliché for me. Of course, I'm guilty of using them myself, so I can't say much! But I'm sure there's a better way to get this point across. To stick with the rainbow and dove image, you might try something like, "Then suddenly one day I saw / A rainbow promise and a dove". Still too cliché sounding for me, but a little better. You can probably do far better with a little thought.
by this fog I am defined. I always try to keep the flow of phrases natural. I would never say to to someone "By this fog I am defined." I would say, "I am defined by this fog." Unnatural turns of phrases, in my opinion, weaken the line. This would be a deeper rewrite, but it's possible. For instance, something like this might work: "I am defined by the haze / But I will run / Back to my life of brighter days / I'll find the sun."
in my eyes hope will shine bright. Same problem as the fog line above. One would say "Hope will shine bright in my eyes" in real life. One way to re-arrange the first two lines of that verse might be "Imagine me beneath sunny skies / Hope shining brightly in my eyes".
a moment to always remember. This entire verse, actually, is probably (in my opinion) the weakest in your whole piece and would probably benefit from more thought. This line, by itself feels wrong for me for two reasons. First, it has the phrase "to always remember", which should be "always to remember" or "to remember always" to be grammatically correct (I'm obsessive about grammar and believe "bad" grammar should only be used to achieve a specific purpose, not because you've given up trying to think of a better way to say what you want). Second, it says "a moment" which, like the reference to December, suddenly narrows down what otherwise appears to be a broad reference to a much longer period of time than a moment. Unless you're trying to say something like "all of life is but a moment", in which case that should be more clear in the rest of the lyric. So what could you say here to make it stronger? Hmm...if we continue from the "Imagine me" part, maybe "Inspired by possibilities / Delighting my sensibilities". Or "Ignoring negativity" (for last line). I didn't spend much time on this. With some reflection, and referring to a rhyming dictionary, I'm sure there are many strong possibilities for this verse.
- What is your opinion overall, is it's any good or not
I think it still needs some work but I definitely think it has potential. I think you should keep working on it. I never put this much time into a review if I don't think the song is any good. It isn't the kind of song I would expect to hear on the radio but that isn't bad. It just means it might not have main stream appeal. For instance, your title only occurs one time in the song, and it is not the hook. And, in fact, your song doesn't have a hook. Popular songs nearly always have hooks. The song isn't really about the rainbow and the dove, so maybe something else would be more suitable for the title. Consider what your song is about, really, and think about what title would reflect that. Or add a catchy chorus with a hook and use that for the title. On the other hand, popular songs don't always have hooks, or even choruses. Leonard Cohen's "Suzanne" is a good example. It does have a strong structure, though. What do you see as the structure of your song? Is it Verse 1, Verse 2, Verse 3, etc? Does it have a chorus? A bridge? Are the verses parallel to each other? And does any chorus or bridge provide a contrast in rhythm and or melody? Food for thought.
If I were writing this song, I would approach the whole thing differently, but that's strictly a personal preference thing. I reviewed it the way you wrote it, and I think the way you wrote it works. Feel free to disagree with anything I wrote. I am very thick-skinned (if you review any of my songs, please be brutally honest, if the song warrants it). If you like any of my ideas, you are totally free to use them or anything similar.
I hope this has been helpful.
Vicki[/list]
First off, thanks for listening
So is it a boring melody? Or just okay?
I'm glad to hear that the lyrics make you think about your own life, that is what I was hoping for.
The reason I used the word "December" is because I believe that even when you mention personal details that no one else can latch on to and relate to, as long as the whole song isn't like that, it could work nicely. Also, it does have to be specific because I'm talking about a picture that is a good representation of that time, but in the end it is still one snapshot.
I understand what you mean, but don't memories really work like that? You remember an instant rather than a whole chunk of time all at once. You don't suddenly think "oh those 5 years between 2000 & 2005 were great", you remember more specific instances, like "that day when I was at ___ doing ____", that doesn't mean it's not a representation of the the whole period. Do tell me if that makes sense, though.
I hate cliches, but for some reason "looked up above" doesn't feel like it to me. The lyrics later say "climb out of this hole", so I'm not "looking up above" for some sort of inspirational moment or whatever, it feels like I'm kind of trapped and that's my only window to the world.
I try to avoid forced ways of saying things that sound fake just for the sake of a rhyme, and I'm sure I do it some times without acknowledging how obvious it must be. "By this fog I am defined" feels different to me, though. I can't remember exactly when I wrote it, but I think to me it felt like saying it that way put more emphasis on the fact that it is "defining me" which is a brutal thought, in my opinion, it catches you off guard to attract your attention to that, rather than casually saying this fog is defining me, wouldn't carry the same weight. Do you know what I mean? I could be wrong, so tell me if it still sounds forced, now that I explained it.
"In my eyes hope will shine bright", so you think the beginning has that problem too? Where it goes "I was young and in my eyes hope shined bright"?
I might agree with you here. Even though I don't usually write lyrics that are conversational, and more often than not I feel like I pull it off and it doesn't sound forced or weird. This song has a different vibe to most of my songs, so usually they're they are less like things you'd say in real life than this, so maybe I'm just out of my element. Another thing is the problem with songs that you play a million times is you just get so used to it being that way, and any changes would just ruin it. I guess sometimes that might mean it works now that it grew on you, just needs getting used to, which isn't necessarily a bad thing in my opinion. This might be different, but it is hard for me to think there is something wrong with it, just because I'm so used to it and have grown to feel like it's just the way it goes.
I will definitely give this more thought. It would change the two cornerstones of the song drastically, and now it feels like "well, what am I left with then??" lol, but I will definitely take into consideration.
The reason the last verse goes the way it does, is because I'm trying to make it as similar as the first verse as possible, just in the future tense. If the first verse didn't go like that, the last one definitely wouldn't work. What you're saying is it still doesn't, though. Naturally if I change the "I was young & in my eyes hope shined bright" in the beginning, this ending would as well. So I guess they go hand in hand.
"A moment to always remember", the word "moment" has similar reasoning behind it as I explained about "decemeber", but I will admit that even to me it doesn't work as well as december does. So, I will work on that as well
As for the title, I realize titles are the reason someone decides whether or not to listen to a song. I just don't think I'm the kind of person who puts that much concentration on titles, and I don't think it's a bad thing.
That being said, "A Rainbow & A Dove" are, to me, the turning point of the song. That's where everything goes from "can you see me now through the fog" to "I will run, to the life I left behind, I'll find the sun". So, I don't think it's a problem. I also try not to force writing a "hook", I don't think I'm trying to make it a "popular" song as much as a "good" song, and like you said good songs don't always need hooks.
Yeah, this does have a weird structure, doesn't it? Does that bother a listener, though? If you're just looking for a good song rather than a radio hit. I mean is it the songwriter in you that thinks the structure needs work, or the listener as well?
I really appreciate all the time you put into your review of the song. I really do, it means a lot. I'm glad you think it has potential
I'm sorry I had an argument against most of your suggestions, but they made me think in more detail, which always good, and they're definitely appreciated
So, thank you!