[JonnyD]

Decided I'd have a go at writing a ridiculously melodramatic love song. Would appreciate some feedback

If you were to leave
I'd follow 'till the sunbeams
Shattered over mountains
And fell into the sea
If you only knew
How much you mean in my life
I promise you I would find
A path for me and you

(Chorus)
Save it for the long road, my love
Save it for the journey so you have enough
The path is lonely the track is dark
So save it for the long road, my love

If you went today
I'd tear away my sorrow
With bittersweet tomorrows
I promise you I'd bleed
For you, only you
You're beautiful in all ways
I know it's something I always say
But I promise you it's true

(Chorus)

[Instrumental bridge]

(Chorus)

Now stop, I've said enough
Finite words can't describe
The love that lives in my heart
So let's not waste them now
We must take it slow
And savour every moment
Don't let our tiny embers
Burn the forest down

(Chorus) x2



 

[Paulski]

Now that is hopelessly romantic, gooey, lovey-dovey et al!
Loved the last two lines - brilliant.
My only nit is what is the "it" she is supposed to save for the long road?
Is "it" Love? Patience? Perseverence? Gasoline??
I think that if "it" could be defined somehow early on,
this would be a super sweet lovesong!
Nice write!
Paul

[JonnyD]

Now that is hopelessly romantic, gooey, lovey-dovey et al!
Loved the last two lines - brilliant.
My only nit is what is the "it" she is supposed to save for the long road?
Is "it" Love? Patience? Perseverence? Gasoline??
I think that if "it" could be defined somehow early on,
this would be a super sweet lovesong!
Nice write!
Paul

Thanks for the kind words - I basically sat down one day and thought 'you know what... I'm tired of writing depressing music... Time for an over the top love song xD'

I'll look into adding some detail as to what 'it' is - my idea was they were saving all these romantic words for when times were hard and they needed them most. I'll try and put something in in the first verse.

Thanks for the feedback, it's appreciated

[Jess]

How weird, I thought exactly the same as Paulski, I really enjoyed the song and it's lovey dovey nature but I was like WHAT'S SHE SAVING? Other than that I thought it was really sweet and wasn't cheesy at all- which can be hard to do when venturing into the love genre.
Favourite lines for me were the sunbeams shattering over the mountains.
In fact the lyrics remind me of Annie's song mixed with Country Roads by John Denver.

[JonnyD]

How weird, I thought exactly the same as Paulski, I really enjoyed the song and it's lovey dovey nature but I was like WHAT'S SHE SAVING? Other than that I thought it was really sweet and wasn't cheesy at all- which can be hard to do when venturing into the love genre.
Favourite lines for me were the sunbeams shattering over the mountains.
In fact the lyrics remind me of Annie's song mixed with Country Roads by John Denver.

Hey thanks for the feedback Jess

Think I definitely need to sort that ambiguity out, haha

[EattheChildren]

I really liked this. A lot of desceiptive language which really does well to go over the top, but doesn't completely delude the message.  Like every other comment, I was a little confused about what the "it" she is saving is.  The only other thing that simultaneously bothered yet intrigued me is the rhyme scheme. It seemed to start out with an ABCA pattern, but then you changed it in the firs half of the second verse to ABBC, then back to ABCA in the second half. Was there a particular reason for this, or did it just happen? Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this!

[BooBoo]

The 'it' bit was confusing but other than it's good. A really good love song here.

[Gwyneth Rose]

HI RS

Beautiful lyrics and how refreshing from the usual sad and sorrowful.
Enjoyed this very much. Thanks for sharing.

Cheers
Gwyneth

[JonnyD]

EattheChildren - thank you, I'll be honest I didn't consciously choose that rhyme scheme :p I wanted it to have a free-flowing feel to it though so that might be why?

BooBoo and Gwyneth Rose Thank you for the kind words

I have added a small intro to clear up the 'it' ambiguity. Simply:

'There are so many words, my love
But let's save them for when times are tough'

An intro in a similar vein to the start of 'If I Fell' by The Beatles, and a different melody to the rest of the song... Is this an improvement at all do we think? Thanks to everyone who's given me feedback on this

[hardtwistmusic]

I knew what they were 'saving for the road' but your new intro still improves it for me. 

I also suspect that after a dozen listens, everyone would know what "it" was.  Most had already surmised that "it" was love... and that would have solidified in their minds with multiple listens.  It usually does. 

Sang and flowed extremely well.  And to a pretty dramatic and "beatlesque" tune too.  When I sang it, the tune that easily came to my mind resembled the tune to "Groovy kind of love" by (I believe) The Turtles. 

I think it's a very good write.  And while I'm writing, I've almost talked myself out of thinking you need that new intro.  Almost. 

[HJB]

The chorus is great to me and in that way the title fits the song correctly, I also like the way the first and second verse go well with the chorus, well done!

[JonnyD]

Thank you hardtwistmusic I agree  the intro improves things, thank you for the kimd words

HJB thank you for the kind words

[laurabh]

Brilliant lyrics, and with a lot of meaning. The Bridge seems really strong to me too, and great rhyming!

[EpiphoneEpiphany]

hey

I really like how you avoided the cliche of writing "the love that's in my heart" / "lies in my heart"
and wrote "lives in my heart" instead