[Kevin j]

so this song is meant to be a kind of love song, its about a guy looking into this girl he loves etes, and the world of perfectness he sees inside, how he gets lost inside of them.
hope you get it, and can give me a few tips and things on it, imagine it to be kind of like "i wont give up" by jason mraz, that kind of a feel to it, music wise  


Verse
A fisherman I fish for the smallest clues,
To your deepest wish, it's dark jade hue,
I anchor myself, by the florescent shore,
As the Irish bells, grow more and more,

Verse
I delve deeper, with my fishing line,
Hook and reap, our souls entwine,
These waters flow with green grace,
never alone, you've blessed my faith,

Pre-chorus
Lost in this world, built from glistening green,
Our future unfurls, I fall, I lean,

Chorus
Lost in your eyes, those pools of green,    
lost I sigh, lost beautifully,                          
Lost myself, found a new me,                      
In your eyes, those pools of green            


Verse
In the midst, of this emerald sea,
My boat sits sound, oh perfectly,
No other shade felt quite as true,
Their colours grey, compared to you,

Pre-chorus
Chorus
Chorus

so what do yous think?
*irish bells are a type of flower, in case anyone isnt sure

[seriousfun]

This is a super write Kevin, i love the way you have interwoven the fishing theme through the love story.

My only knitpick is with your opening line. To me it is both cumbersome and detracts from the abstract nature of the fishing side of the story. The use of fish twice in that line is the cumbersome part and while i can see what you are saying with the line i wonder if its perhaps a little too direct. Its an important line, being the opening line of the lyric and it would be well worth playing with to get it more abstract and flowing better.

I wonder about

"I fish in your well for the smallest of clues"

Or something similar.  By not stating he is a fisherman helps to leave that abstract feeling in the air and the use of well both hints at a more abstract and deeper meaning while at the same time tying in with the next line and the mention of a wish ( wishing well ).  Just some thoughts to help refine what is a very nice lyric. If you take this path the unfortunately the 'line' would then need a tweak as well.

I also noticed that you are not clear with who you are speaking to. At times yiu refer to her and other times its you.  There is an important need to be consistent here so you need decide what tense you are writing in and adapt the lyric to it throughout. Its only a small job but very important. If its ti her then there is simply one line to change. Make it "to your deepest wish". And then yiu are goid to go. On that front.


Great lyric, i am really taken with this.

Allan.

[benjo]

 hey kevin J

 it's really clever how you've gone for the mix
 I know what Irish bell is nice choice
 this has got a lot of good feeling about it

 normally to mix fishing with romance just wouldn't work
 but brave thing to do
 I enjoyed reading that well done mate

             
 

[seriousfun]

Love these lyrics and just had another read and two points came to mind, both very minor but could be worth a tweak.

In the second verse you begin "in the midst of this emerald sea". Its a lovely line but in the previous vers you have anchored by the shore so the use of the word midst is perhaps not quite right. You may like to think on that.

The second suggestion is in the chorus with "lost myself, found a new me".  Just feels a little cumbersome and may not sing well. You may like to consider "lost my self, then found anew". Just flows better than three short single syllable words together.

Just my observations and the may not be worth a tin of shite so keep or sweep as you see fit.

Again, marvellous lyrics mate.

Allan.

[Alan Starkie]

Fluorescent shore... Love that line. I instantly got a vision of that place. Brilliant.

This is great writing. Cheers.

Real poetry.

Alan.

@seriousfun - tin of shite? Lol

[Kevin j]

thanks for the comments! their a great help

seriousfun- thank you alot for your help, its greatly appreciated, i'll have to change tat first line...
lost myself, found a new me, seems to be fitting fine with the tune i have, but thanks for the suggestion

benjo- thank you, hope i pulled it off

alan- thanks, one of my favourite lines too glad you liked it

what do you think of me switching the second and third verses instead of changing 'in the midst of this emerald sea' do you think it would work? to kind of say that he is going deeper and deeper into her eyes, no longer at the shore but now in the midst?
i'll have a good think on how i  can change that first line, i havent thought of anything good by myself yet, but i'm sure it'll com to me

[seriousfun]

Swapping verses 2and3 i believe is a great idea. It brings a growing sense of depth to the story. I dont know what melody you have in mind but if it fits you could start the new third verse with "then in the midst..." that would sort if imply a new scene and tie everything together.

Hope that helps

[montydog]

Hi,

Nice lyrics. My suggestion is that you have used the word "green"too much.

Regards

M

[PeeJay]

Hi Kevin,

There are some good lines here. Poetic with romance too!

I also thought the word ‘green’ is used too much and should be used more sparingly.

I had these lines in mind or something similar to maybe fit in:

Verdant meadows lie behind your eyes
Love’s grass grows greener on the other side

As ‘verdant’ is another word for green. Then again, you could ignore this totally!

Nice one,

Phil.

[Bernd]

I like that a lot.
Great imagery, and it's consistent throughout the lyrics.

I'd second the suggestion to swap verse 2 and 3, gives the text kind of a story line.

Bernd

[hardtwistmusic]

so this song is meant to be a kind of love song, its about a guy looking into this girl he loves etes, and the world of perfectness he sees inside, how he gets lost inside of them.
hope you get it, and can give me a few tips and things on it, imagine it to be kind of like "i wont give up" by jason mraz, that kind of a feel to it, music wise  


Verse
A fisherman I fish for the smallest clues,
To your deepest wish, it's dark jade hue,
I anchor myself, by the florescent shore,
As the Irish bells, grow more and more,

Verse
I delve deeper, with my fishing line,
Hook and reap, our souls entwine,
These waters flow with green grace,
never alone, you've blessed my faith,

Pre-chorus
Lost in this world, built from glistening green,
Our future unfurls, I fall, I lean,

Chorus
Lost in your eyes, those pools of green,    
lost I sigh, lost beautifully,                          
Lost myself, found a new me,                      
In your eyes, those pools of green            


Verse
In the midst, of this emerald sea,
My boat sits sound, oh perfectly,
No other shade felt quite as true,
Their colours grey, compared to you,

Pre-chorus
Chorus
Chorus

so what do yous think?
*irish bells are a type of flower, in case anyone isnt sure

I agree that "Green" is overused. 

When I first read through, I though you needed another syllable here, and it get's rid of a "green".

"I delve deeper, with my fishing line,
Hook and reap, our souls entwine,
These waters flow with AQUA grace,
never alone, you've blessed my faith,"

[hardtwistmusic]

Oh.... and btw... I too thought the lyric was excellent.  Never thought to say so because it was so obvious.

[seriousfun]

I have been reading the 'green' discussion with interest and i must agree there are probably a couple of greens too many in they lyric, however i would be careful about introducing more colours as that will detract from the green theme which is important. There may be opportunities though to use completely new words in a couple of places that will not only reduce the overuse of the word and also add to the lyric at the same time.

Eg:  These waters flow with liquid grace

I think this might be a better change than introducing a new colour. I am sure there are other posssibilities as well.

[Kevin j]

thanks again for the comments, they are helping hugely
montydog, peejay, hardtwistmusic, seriousfun- yes i am using green a bit too much, i'm going to have to change that, i was thinking for instead of in the second verse 'these waters flow with green grace'
having instead 'these waters flow with angelic grace', which would cut out a green and also add in that extra syllable you were talking about hardtwistmusic. this leaves no more 'green' in the verses.
bernd- thanks, yeah i've swapped them now, i think it helps the feel of the lyric, glad you liked it

what do you guys think, should i cut the green in the pre-chorus out or keep it (i'd have to change line, or all of the pre-chorus), i'm not sure myself.
i' think i'll keep the chorus the way it is though, keep the repitition

[seriousfun]

Imho i reckon its about right now as far as the green goes. Its really only used twice as the third use is more of a line repeat so that leaves it once in the pre and once plus the repeated line in the chorus. Looks good to me.