The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: adamfarr on June 29, 2016, 12:26:51 PM
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Time for my competition entry. Who knew bares bones stuff was so hard to mix?! Everything is so exposed and ... bare!
Talking of which, this one came about when I was out biking and got stuck behind a car with a mother and baby in it. On the back was one of those Playboy rabbit stickers. I thought to myself "Why would a mother do that? Unless..."
It's supposed to be a bit fun and ironic - but is "boobs" OK as a word? Fine? Childish? Offensive? - please do let me know and I will think again...
Playboy Bunny
https://soundcloud.com/lutehill/playboy-bunny
V1
Working for a living ain't no disgrace
Even when you still could be a blonde bombshell
It's a shame no-one remembers your face
But in their browser history your bust rings a bell
CH
Nothing seemed real in the Mansion house
Your boobs got you in and your brains got you out
You cringed when they said that they could make you a star
You like the privacy of your own backyard
You're a playboy bunny with a baby seat in your car
V2
Your young slim friends cried opportunity
Even though to you it seemed a fool's goldmine
Now 23 is just a memory
When it comes to birthdays and to your waistline
M8
The only playmates now are the ones at the play dates
Your blue-ray's blazing but the features it plays are always G-rated
Models in the playpen are just Barbie and Ken
No more keeping thin for businessmen
You don't deal with them, and you won't again
Just with your real friends
Nothing was real up in that mansion
What's real now? 'You and me, baby'
You say: 'You and me, baby'
Final CH
You're an ex-playmate with experience
An ex-centrefold that saw common sense
You won't do topless so you live from the tip jar
Beauty's skin deep, but that's not what you are
You're a playboy bunny with a baby seat in your car
(c) Adam Farr, 2016
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Lovely!!
It's a grower - by the end I was well attuned to the groove and the melody and was thoroughly enjoying it. Love the chords. The lyrics, and the idea, are brilliant. The chorus is nice and catchy. I think it took a few minutes for me to get into it, but once there - yep, brilliant. I'd love to hear this with a cool jazz guitarist playing lead / comping alongside what you've done here. It would still be bare bones, but all that space and those chords are just crying out for a little something extra.
Great work :)
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I know what you mean about the bare bones mixing, you can't cover things up with more kitchen sinks :)
Lovely rich jazz chords make it interesting to the ear without a full arrangement, though there were times you seemed to be modulating to another key and it never quite happened. Would have been nice.
Melodically I like the tunes, they all work well. The lyrics are good but I have to say I didn't quite buy the character of the playboy model who didn't really want to be one. I just couldn't quite get the sense of the girl behind the song but that could be my failing. Perhaps, I need to read Playboy more :D
Obviously could be improved with bass, drums, choirs, a 60 piece orchestra and laser light show but it is very nice just as it is :)
Tom.
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Lovely jazz progressions Adam and your voice is sounding so much more confident these days. The bare bones challenge is great, really focuses you on the song essentials. As you say, the mixing is a challenge. Excellent interesting lyrics as usual. Great stuff, a big thumbs up from me :)
John
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That's a great angle; 'Playboy Bunny with a baby-seat in your car' and you've done a good job with it. I enjoyed the jazz-comping style accompaniment.
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you have some lovely lines here adam ...i realy liked the ones in the M8 like :
The only playmates now are the ones at the play dates!
& I love the way you interpreted 'bare' as in nude model & then did the song bare as in bare minimum....so thats twice bare! if only the bunny girl had bared her teeth & attacked hugh hefer with her bare hands you would have won the competition outright for bareness!
Ive never realy thought about those playboy bunny stickers on cars except they look nice ...i suppose its one of those images that get adopted into fashion & lose its meaning
you deserve top marks for being so brave & doing a jazz song with such bare accompaniment
& tbh the imperfections didnt matter bcos it had so much charm & was such a happy little tale & if you get babies in a song im always going to love it anyway :)
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Adam,
Cool Jazz melody.
Like the guitar and excellent lyrics....reminds me of early Style Council.
Definitely a bare bones feel.
Sandeep
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Very clever lyrics Adam. A great idea well implemented.
It took a couple of plays for me to warm to it and I know it's for the 'bare bones' comp,but I'd love to hear it kick up a notch with other instruments,as the song progresses.
Cool stuff,man. 8)
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Ha, I had a lot of fun with this! Really great story and lyrics, and I like the way you built your song around it. Good playing and very solid vocal performance, too!
A very good entry, I think. :)
Bye Wolfi
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brilliant concept, Adam...and brilliantly executed too
great witty lyrics and i really enjoyed the guitar...sidestepping the purely acoustic thing neatly...and it's really nicely played too
the vocal has loads more confidence now...and quite right too...you should be proud of the stuff you're producing...
excellent...yeah!
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Hi Adam...........what a fun tune. Love the topic, and the image of the PB bunny not wanting fame, but instead preferring the privacy of her own back yard........funny stuff! ;D
Clever lyrics.........nice tune....and love that English accent to your delivery.
Good, good stuff!
8)-Tom
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Thanks everyone for the support and great comments!
Delb0y - many thanks for giving it a chance to grow. Nice to think that it might have potential for a more "fleshed out" arrangement....
Tom - many thanks! I'm not saying this is something I've researched in detail, but I bet there are some bunnies who have a moment of realisation that there is more to life!
Pompeyjazz - thanks for the encouragement - was fun to do and this competition is turning out to be a fun one all round.
ShinyThang - many thanks! I think I live in a different angle ;)
Tinam - glad you liked it... thank you! I did feel a bit brave doing it but actually aren't we always when we put our songs out there for critique?! Yes, babies get me every time...
Movin Flavor - Style Council eh? Never really ocurred to me but probably some influences deep down somewhere. Thanks so much for listening.
Skub - I think you're probably right that outside the competition it should probably grow a bit. Many thanks for the input!
Wolfi - great comments, many thanks! For the lyrics I really did try to make sure everything was on point and no filler.
PaulAds - thanks, man, I think I was quite pleased inside with this one so that probably did make me feel confident to deliver it...
IronKnee - what do you mean - I have an accent?! I thought it was just everybody else... ;) Thanks for great comments!
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Lyrics made me smile and I admire what your doing here and your playing chords I've never even heard of!!
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Took me a while to take this one in but some parts of it have been in the back of my mind while doing dishes and such... :)
The verses and chorus are quite alike so that might be the reason for the time-taking. I really like your timing and rhyming in the spoken parts and of course the storytelling, so far from my own lyricing (is that even a word?). And those chords, they sound as from another era, maybe coming out of an old funnel gramophone (I hope that is right, just made a google translate of the word "trattgrammofon", not in my day to day inner english dictionary no...).
But the payoff "You´re a Playboy..." really sticks like glue :) *head bobbing*
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This was great fun and a fantastic concept for the lyric
Loved the jazzy feel and there were some lovely chords in there
Great stuff
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Enjoyed this one Adam. I can tell you are having fun with it and that enjoyment is infectuous ;) A couple of chord progs lost me a bit but could be I'm just not up on my jazz progs.
Good luck - you prob don't need it with this fine entry :)
Paul
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Original idea and clever approach to the bare bones idea. Some clever lyrical lines but the rhyming scheme was too loose for my taste and melodically it lacked interest. Good to hear some jazz chords on here. This didn't really do it for me as I guess it's not the sort of music I would listen to.
M
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If there was a competition for most clickable song title you may have it sown up already ;D
Nice jazzy feel and I like the spacey, minimal feel of it...fun lyrics and a fun song to listen to listen to. I always like songs with a talking section...I think it fits really well. I also like the ambition of you thinking you can match up to what Mr Hefner has to offer. I can´t believe you saw this in Granada though.
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Thanks everyone for great comments. If the competition was meant to make us write songs about things and in styles we don't normally, then I'm probably the example!
- Shadowfax - thanks man, proper jazzers would probably have a fit over some of those chords, though!
- skogge - I think the similarity between the sections is well spotted and something I have a tendency to fall into (which is probably why I like totally different middle 8s etc.). Glad you found it catchy though! Many thanks.
- Boydie - many thanks - I think fun is what this one is all about.
- Paulski - progressions are a bit mixed it's true (verse is supposed to be based on the rhythm changes and chorus on ii-V-I). Thanks for the encouragement!
- Monty - thanks for listening - definitely take the point re the melody, ie that it could be more adventurous (though probably will be a long time before I attempt anything so jazz-like again!)
- Martyn - made you click ;-) I was a bit wary of the faux rap bit but liked it and thanks for supporting me on that! Granada has an underworld of untold stories...
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Very cute. My only nit you've probably heard before--my pet peeve: pronounciations like donchew, wonchew...in this case "gotchew in" and "gotchew out". But that's something that doesn't bother a lot people, so maybe I'm too picky....
Anyway, I think it's a really cute song and I love the chord progression and delivery of the whole thing.
Vicki
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love the quirky jazz feel kind of oddball and suits the story..
and always enjoy your lyrics
its like a clever neil innes demo before he adds the bonzos or the rutles.
a mischievous smile on its face..
good luck in the comp
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Made me laugh out loud. I loved the lyrics and the jazz chords.
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Hi Adam,
This put a smile on my face.
Different, and engaging.
Great idea for the lyrics - well delivered.,
Digger
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Adam,
i enjoyed listening to this. I think others have said what i heard and thought neat jazzy chords, some neat lyrics. Although a tad hard to get to know the character fully and i think a fuller arrangement would have allowed you to be a bit more melodically adventurous and different the elements of the song.
But that said bare bones it said and bare bones is was so well done for being so brave and doing it live.
:)
Neil
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Hey Adam,
I'm very late to the party on this one...in fact it looks like everyone's left! I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed this.I really like the pay off line "You're a playboy bunny with a baby seat in your car." It just sings really well with all those "b's",it creates a nice rhythm.Well done mate and good luck in the comp!
Leo ;D
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Hi Adam.
Really enjoyed this light-hearted jazzy number with clever, saucy lyrics.
Interesting chord progressions and an unsuspected Middle-8 was the highlight for me. Couldn't help thinking there wasn't enough contrast between the verse and choruses but after a couple of listens I stopped caring about that.
It's just a lot of fun
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Loved the lyrics! Musically I guess it not my prefered genre but to these untrained ears it sound like the real deal. Oddly, in some of the phrases during the break you actually sound a bit like Eminem! ???
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Hi Adam, some nice jazzy chords and an infectious lyric with some clever lines. Agree with other comments about building a more complete arrangement, but a good 'bare bones' entry IMHO!
Cheers
Jamie
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Great lyrics..you really come up with some unusual lyrics my friend...excellent!!!
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Moving through the entries......
Really enjoyed the story.....served over a nice jazzy groove....well done, Adam ....
cheers,
igg
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Clever, sir! A few verse lines seem a little forced and not too imaginative melodically but overall it works very well. Love the choppy chording with the guitar! Well done!
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This is so clever, and so funny Adam ;D totally enjoyed the lyrics and your vocals are perfect in this :)
Good-luck n the comp :) :)