The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: CaliaMoko on July 11, 2018, 01:58:49 AM
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This song is pretty much finished, but not produced or mixed or anything. I'm only looking for feedback on the lyrics and the melody...how they go together, whether I should consider any edits.
This is totally not my typical thing, as I don't normally write love songs, especially pining away for somebody love songs, but I was looking at some ancient music (I love looking through old public domain stuff) and I was inspired by one. This is not exactly a rewrite of the old song, but I did get the bit about the pawn ticket from it. That original lyric goes, "...my heart's in pawn, the ticket you can keep", so that bit's pretty much plagiarized, but it isn't under copyright, so I filched it. To see the rest of the similarities, you can search "That's Genuine First Class Yiddisha Love" at the Johns Hopkins Levy Music Library (http://levysheetmusic.mse.jhu.edu/)
For the song, go to SoundCloud: https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/where-do-you-go-my-romeo/s-nAIRJ.
Where Do You Go, My Romeo?
Honey Pie, I moan and sigh, I lie awake all night
In my head I’m filled with dread, I weep.
Torn apart; I’ve pawned my heart, the ticket’s yours to keep;
Will I ever, ever get to sleep?
Where do you go, my Romeo? I cry for you all day.
I do believe you’re avoiding me, Oh why do you treat me this way?
In my dreams you come to me; your arms are open wide.
When you close them I am safe inside.
Then reality assails me in the morning light.
I prefer the darkness of the night.
Where do you go, my Romeo? I cry for you all day.
I do believe you’re avoiding me, oh why do you treat me this way?
Where do you go, my Romeo? I cry for you all day.
I do believe you’re avoiding me, oh why do you treat me this way?
Why do you treat me this way?
Why do you treat me this way?
Copyright 2018 VM Goble
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Hi Calia Moko,
I’m so glad you explained the inspiration for this song, because otherwise I would’ve been very curious ( I kinda still am ) as to who your target audience was. Those poetic lyrics were so refreshing but had me wondering where people used such language still. No offence intended. Loved your gentle voice, and rhyming pattern. The rhythm of the first words “ honey pie” seemed unsure. Being that it’s a term of endearment, I was thinking less rushed would be a possible choice. I wonder how the chorus would sound without the “do” in “ I do believe”... I wonder if it’s temoval will allow for a more punctuated “ believe”. Just some thoughts. Loved your song! Congratulations!
Miu
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Lovely to hear something new from you Vicki. :D You sound fab and the guitar is nicely played.
I like the “avoiding” line actually, I like the rhythm of it and the other option is used soooo much. ;)
This isn’t a nit at all, I just found it interesting how the verses focus on the night and the chorus has you crying all day aswell... :) Poor lonely girl! I’m gonna have a word with this Romeo chap and point him in her direction.
Lovely stuff! ;D
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@Miuzia : Thanks so much. I love getting feedback that gives me something to work on. Target audience: Well, actually, I consider this a kind of tongue-in-cheek piece. I know that's not immediately obvious, but it would work in a live performance. I think it can go both ways, though--serious, or not so much. Since I personally don't support the type of behavior probably exhibited by the protagonist of the piece, I have a hard time taking it seriously.
I never thought of leaving out the "do", but I can see how that would really work, so thanks for the idea! I may use it. I'll take a listen to the "honey pie" line, but frankly, I've been hoping I can think of something better for that spot, anyway. No luck so far, though.
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) : Thank you! I'm getting all giddy over the "nicely played" guitar remark, as I've been taking lessons, so now I'm thinking maybe they're actually helping! :o ;D
I think I'm going to have to have another thought about the "avoiding" line and maybe put it back in.
Thanks again for the remarks, and also thanks to everyone who has listened!
Vicki
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Yo Vicki.
Ya gone and got all medieval on us this time! :D
Love the general folksy feel,I could hear Steeleye Span or Fairport Convention doing a song like this.
If,as you say,this is a trial taster rather than a finished article,I'd say unequivocally this is well worth developing.
So get to it lass. :)
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Hi CaliaMoko
This track is really easy to listen too. Not usually my style but I like acoustic tracks and the melody you have going on is very nice.
Chorus is catchy too. It lifts the song to another place then drops back to the story...
Great work.
Andy
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Lovely melody, and I thought the intimate recording really suited the song. Nothing negative to say about it.
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Really pretty. I know you like tough criticism, but unfortunately I don't have any. I like it a lot. Your beautiful singing and the simple arrangement are all it needs.
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Hi again,
This is lovely. Displaying your usual melodic gifts and ability to fit lyrics easily into the meter of the song. Your vocals are more assured than I've heard before and the song is pitched right in the sweet spot of your voice. Guitar playing is fine. This needs nothing else.
Very much right up my street.
Alan
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@Skub I love Steeleye Dan, so I'll take that any day. I'll have to look up Fairport Convention. :) I think I've finished the words now. And I think I'll have this one done up all pretty for a CD soon.
@Cawproductions (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20938) : Thanks, Andy! I've been practicing guitar more, trying to get better and have even had a couple lessons. Plus, I'm doing exercises from the justinguitar.com course. Maybe it's working... ??
@richardyot (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20130) : Thank you muchly for the complimentary comments. It's nice to hear. Err, read...
@redrhodie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21171) : Well, at least you tried. And, really, I don't mind the nice words, even though I really can't "get my teeth into" them. :P ;D
@montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653) : Thanks, Alan! I find my vocals are more stable if I vocalize consistently every day (or close to every say). The Vaccai exercises seem especially helpful to me. I'm so glad you like it.
Thanks to all of you for all the very nice complimentary remarks. I could easily get an over-inflated sense of my musical abilities.
And thank you to everyone who listened. I played this one at the most recent family reunion this summer, and they liked it, too.
Vicki
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Hi Vicki
Haven't heard your tracks for a while.
I like the song a lot, strong guitar playing. The song and lyrics feel somber.... Just as I like them.
Can imagine this song on a love movie soundtrack.
A good listen
Sandeep
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@Movin Flavour : Thanks so much! Maybe lessons and practice actually do improve guitar playing. I'll have to keep at it.
Thanks for listening and commenting.
Vicki
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Hey @CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) ...
Late to this I know and I got sucked into the discussion on the lyrics....... so I thought I'd give my tuppence worth :)!
Firstly - I really like the song. But then I'm a folkie at heart so that's not surprising. You've a lovely tone to your voice and the simple guitar arrangement is lovely (nice guitar playing I would agree!).
On the lyrics you're playing with, I think you can keep the "do" in "I do believe" and reduce the rushing by changing the emphasis a little. You're singing 'I...do.be.lieve' but if you put equal emphasis on all 4 syllables of 'I.do.be.lieve' starting just on beat 4 of the previous bar so 'do' is sung where you are now singing 'I'? I'm not sure if that makes sense? I can record a snippet for you to demonstrate if you wish... Now, I think it works as is but since you're playing around with it...
Also (and you might hate this idea) but why not swap around Honey Pie and I moan and sigh and sing "I moan and sigh, my honey pie...." as it avoids you starting with Honey Pie if that's disturbing you....
Anyway, lovely song - look forward to hearing the next iteration ;D ;D!
Karen
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Very nice thing indeed. Got the feel of that last song on an album, people include as a bonus, where they have already put out all the complicated ideas in the previous songs and and now just doing something simple and pure for themselves.
It's very simple but probably better for that (god knows I know how to over egg and song/pudding!).
Love the idea of going to old songs for inspiration. Songs sometimes seem like they are genetic formed from older songs, and just keep spawning into new ones.
Feels that way for me often.
Lovely work :D
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Hi, Calia Moko
I feel like this is a very personal song for you to sing.
And it must have taken a big deal of courage to make this song.
I enjoy your folky sound.
Nice use of repetition and your melody line along with your phrasing is good.
All in all, well done!
All the best
Tor Løvstad
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@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) : Interesting ideas. I'll have to try them out and see what happens. I've been singing it "I believe" for a few days now, and I've grown accustomed to it that way. If I added the "do" back it it would be a case of considering
i DO be LIEVE vs I do be LIEVE
and determining which emphasis I want.
It hadn't occurred to me to reverse the phrases of the first line. I'll have to play with that a bit. Thanks for the input! And I'm so glad you like it. :)
@tboswell (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20223) : Good idea! I'm working on an album and could put this at the end. It IS very simple and really not the type of thing I ordinarily do at all. Thanks for the complimentary remarks.
@Tor Løvstad (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22190) : Thanks for your lovely comments. I actually took the idea for this song from an old song from the 1800s, although, I think I made it more "stalky" than the inspirational piece. It isn't particularly personal, but I consider it a compliment that it gives that impression. Thanks so much!
And thanks to everyone for listening. :D
Vicki
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@CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928): That took me by surprise. I did not know it was an old song from the 1800´s and that it was not a very personal song. Agreed it may sound a bit "stalky" as you say. Anyway I like what you have done in this recording :)
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@Tor Løvstad (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22190) : I should record the song that inspired me...the one from the 1800s. Maybe I'll do that one of these days so you can compare the song that inspired me with the song I wrote. ;D
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@CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) Yes, that´s a great Idea. Go for it! Sounds like an exiting project, comparing your song to the one that Inspired you. :)
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Hi Vicki. This is lovely. It reminds me of an olde English folk song. Something that would have been sung around the fire by all and sundry. I would definitely pursue it as it's got so much potential :)
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@Tor Løvstad (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22190) : Well, it appears I will not be recording the original version unless I find myself a ragtime piano player. I've tried to work out the chords so I could play it on guitar, but some of them are beyond my current level. I tried entering the music into the computer and playing it back with a midi instrument, but it sounded horrible. I'll just say...it's in ragtime style and it's about twice as long as what I ended up with. And the "my heart's in pawn...you can keep the ticket" part came right out the original, not quite word for word. I, unfortunately, never thought up that awesome idea on my own. :(
@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) : Thanks, John! I think folk must be my natural style. We did a lot of playing and singing around the fire in college and it's in my blood.
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Well, that´s a shame. Lets hope you get hold of a ragtime piano player. Perhaps it´s best to let that idea rest for a little while? Great lyrics. :) you will come up with something that´s as good as that. ;) Who wrote the original?
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@Tor Løvstad (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22190) : The original song, written in 1880, is "That's Genuine First Class Yiddisha Love" written by Addison Burkhardt and Harry von Tilzer.
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@CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) Thank you for the information :)