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I am Here- new song (work in progress)

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PTCruiser1801

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« on: April 29, 2016, 10:32:40 PM »
Hi everyone,

Looking for a bit of guidance on where I should take this track...I feel that there's definitely a song in it and I may not be too far away from getting that right but any advice is much appreciated!

This is a new song called 'I am Here'. It's about a man who has lost it all and spends his days looking for help or even a conversation with people but they choose to ignore him, as if he is invisible.

https://m.soundcloud.com/ptcruiser1801/i-am-here

Here are the current lyrics:

They shine so bright
As I find my bed
The Stars ignite
above my head

I'd love to talk
With everyone I see
I watch as they walk
But don't see me

Chorus:
I am here
I know you hear my voice
Loud and clear
You need to make a choice
I am here

They don't know
My story
They don't know
The man I used to be

The streets now my home
Im my own family
I'm out here on my own
They don't see me

Chorus x2

Instrumental

Chorus x2
« Last Edit: April 29, 2016, 10:34:30 PM by PTCruiser1801 »

delb0y

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« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2016, 08:30:00 AM »
It's good subject matter for a song. John Prine's mighty Hello In There covers similar ground, in his case, examining what it must be like to be an old person whom everyone just walks by. So yes, well worth pursuing.

The things that jump out at me in the lyrics so far:

I'm not sure of the significance of the stars in the first verse. And the word "ignite" feels wrong - the stars are already burning, so there's no ignition taking place. In the given context I'm sure you could use something such as the stars being the narrator's only light (in the darkness of night).

In the chorus, the words suggests the narrator is speaking aloud but people are ignoring him - it makes me think of an old drunk, or maybe someone with Aspergers (if that's the right condition)  shouting on the street - probably not the image you're after!  Also using the words "here" and "hear" in adjacent lines doesn't feel strong to me. Back to the story - I guess, I'm saying maybe instead of him saying "I know you hear me", why not go back to the visual and say "I know you see me"? Also, the idea of the narrator demanding people make a choice feels a little strong, too. It's as if the narrator is angry - "It's your choice!" That maybe exactly what you're after, but I get the sense that the song could be more of a plea - in which case the word/idea maybe softened a little (but this could simply be because I've John Prine's song in my head now).

The next two verses are spot on - this is setting up the story nicely, and all works well.

So, the way I see it, you can now develop more of that back story and tell us how the narrator came to be where he is, what losses he endured, sacrifices he made, mistakes, etc. Or / And move to a more "this is how it is to be alone and on the streets" type section, where the song becomes a plea for help / a warning / an observation on how we ignore each other. You could have a verse in there about him trying to start conversations but having no voice / nothing to say - how can you have anything to say when no-one ever speaks to you, type thing. You could pull in examples of how he watches a man talk to his dog, and "yet he won't even talk to me." Or people staring at their phones and avoiding eye contact with him (whether deliberate or not - probably not in this day and age. They probably don't even notice him because another Text has just come through). Loads of places to go!

Definitely a good idea and a fine song to be had there!

Cheers
Derek
« Last Edit: April 30, 2016, 08:38:41 AM by delb0y »
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MartynRich

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« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2016, 12:50:20 PM »
I think you have the makings of a great song here. However I thought the current arrangement was a little too laid back. I realise it's a sad message but that doesn't mean it couldn't be given with a bit more ompf. By that I mean try upping the tempo slightly and maybe moving up a key in the chorus. I think you'll find a different energy to it that'll grab people's interest a lot more.

I loved the 7ths in the verses and your harmonies are exquisite as always. It's well crafted...I would just make it quicker.

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2016, 08:47:52 PM »
I liked the lyric.  I loved the music.  But I did not feel they belonged together. 

To my ears, the music is too pretty for this subject.  That said, I could "feel" bits of "Sounds of Silence" and it is a very dark lyric with a really pretty piece of music. 

But even hearing that similarity.... this just didn't have any portions of the music that were dark enough.  Plenty of "sad" coming through, but no "dammit, we have to do something" in the music. 

All THAT said... the song REALLY grows on you through the listen, so that the appreciation at the end is WAY greater than at the beginning. 

It could be that (like "Sounds of Silence,") repeated listens and the accompanying familiarity might just totally mitigate the nit. 

I remember listening to "Sounds of Silence" many times before really comprehending the meaning, and, by the time I got the meaning, any other music would have sounded a bit offensive. 
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

PTCruiser1801

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« Reply #4 on: May 03, 2016, 03:58:49 PM »
Wow guys...thank you all so much! Sorry I haven't written back to your comments until now. I read them a few days ago and I have taken all of your advice on board.

Delboy- Thanks for your mammoth post...you raise entirely valid points and I have revised some of the lyrics based on some of your recommendations. Listening to the song after your comments, I realised that the character in the story did seem a little too forceful in his lines. I have edited them accordingly!

Martyn- Thanks for all that you have said. I am glad you enjoyed the harmonies. I am working on re-recording this song and I am finding the harmonies challenging to get right at the moment. I will plough on though. I like your suggestion for a key change. I may consider this once I am happy with the final arrangement.

Hardtwist- Very valid point...and one that I often grapple with. I sometimes write opposing sounding melodies to the subject matter nearly by accident. I am going to stick with this melody for this song for the moment in the hopes of what you said about the song growing on you is true! Thanks very much for your generous contribution! ;)

Here are my updated lyrics:

Day turns to night,
As I find my bed,
The stars ignite,
Above my head.

I'd love to talk,
With anybody,
I watch as they walk,
But don't see me.

CHORUS
I am here,
Why can't you hear my voice,
Loud and clear,
It isn't out of choice,
That I am here.

They don't know,
My story,
They don't know,
The man I used to be.

The street's now my home,
And my worst enemy,
I'm out here on my own,
But they don't see me.

Chorus X2

Instrumental

Chorus X2