The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Yodasdad on February 19, 2017, 08:47:15 PM
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Hi Y'all,
UPDATE
Following some very useful comments I have changed a few things, here is the most recent version if you'd care to listen to this one, instead or as well as.
https://soundcloud.com/my-idiom/i-should-have-loved-you-more-v2-m-blair-2017
I've been awol for a few weeks with my wife playing silly beggars and needing to spend some time in the hospital, I mean, how does she expect me to write songs stuck by a hospital bed. Anyway I've dragged her out of there and managed to get this one finished.
https://soundcloud.com/my-idiom/i-should-have-loved-you-more-m-blair-2017
It's one of those that sounds great to me all the way through, right up until the point when I finish it and then I decide that it's a pile of poo and I hate it!
I'd love some objective ears and to hear what you guys think.
Thanks
Yodasdad
I Should Have Loved You More © M Blair 2017
Verse
I never bought you flowers
I’d just pass them on my way
I had the money in my jeans
It’s little things like that
that I just didn’t do
Even though I knew how much they’d mean
Chorus
I should have loved you more
I should have tried to find a way
I should have shown you that I care
If I’d held you more
just a little more each day
Would you still have walked away
Verse 2
i passed by your house today
theres a new car in the yard
I guess we both know what it means
I’m glad your moving on I hope he treats you well
Hope he’s a better man than me
Mid 8
I had it in me
But I just couldn’t let it out
I felt it burning deep inside
Perhaps I’m broken
Can’t show emotion
But if that’s true why do I cry?
I’ve cried every day since you left me
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Okay, in spite of the fact I don't care for lost love songs as a general rule, a song like this one can make me forget that. The words and melody go together, like, perfect.
My favorite part is the bridge. It's awesome. Except, I don't see a need for the last line. I don't think it adds anything really and even kind of--for me--detracts from the wonderfulness of the bridge otherwise. Personally, I would eliminate that last line.
One other little dinky detail messed slightly with my enjoyment of the whole song. The first instance of the chorus I figured you almost forgot to sing the last line, so you hurried really fast to get it all in there and just didn't feel like doing it over. But every instance of the chorus was the same. Is there some special reason you don't want to start that line sooner so you can sing it clearly and rhythmically and sweetly like the rest of the song? I don't mean to be rude, but for me it definitely does not work the way it is. You have to rush so hard to get all the words in, I wouldn't even know what you are saying if I didn't have printed lyrics. And the line fits quite well if you start it sooner.
In spite of that part, I still like the song much more than I should, you know, considering the topic. ;D Very nice job!
Vicki
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Thanks for listening Vicki,
I think I agree with you about the last line of the chorus although I think it's as much my singing that's the problem as the line. A better singer may be able to do it justice. As I'm not a better singer though, I'm changing the line. That line was always going to be my Achilles heel anyway, I've wrestled with the lyrics for it for at least 2 weeks now!
The end of the bridge I'm not sure about yet. It is unconventional as it is 10 bars rather than 8 but I think it adds a little something. Maybe it's the lyrics again that need a rethink here?
I know what you mean about the subject. It's not my cup of tea either really but it's just what seems to come out. If it's that or nothing, I'll take it.
I'll probably put the new version up once it's done.
Thanks again.
Yodasdad
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this is a great song. it is extremely well written in my view. i would like to hear some separation between the music and the vocals, i lost you a few times. perhaps take some of the effects off of the vocals, they are being washed a bit i think? also, if the vocal intensity could climb in latter verses it would really bring this to new heights... really bring the emotion out, you know?
bravo on a fantastic melody and excellent lyrics.
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Wonderful, heartfelt and catchy storytelling. Melodies, keys and guitar faultless, and it builds really nicely to the end with those gentle harmonies and guitar etc. (Drums could do with being a teeny bit louder in places as they got lost for a mo near the beginning - but it might just be my cr*p earphones.)
Yes, Vicki is totally right about the quick line. I felt the same. You could try starting to sing it earlier, starting the "would" on the third beat. Its a really good line i think.
Had 2 listens. Really nicely done :)
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I've been humming the tune with a single listen
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Nowt wrong with song my friend 'cept the harmonies are barely audible at the end, :) :)
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Great pop song. I'd have to say I think Vicki's comments about the last lines of the chorus and bridge are spot on. For that chorus line I think the jigsaw of number of syllables and available melody just doesn't quite fit together (quick idea: omitting the "still" pretty much gets us there without changing the sense).
The melody and feel are just right - and some really lovely detail such as the bubbly keys in the bridge.
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Yo YD.
This is a lovely listen,better than most stuff on the radio,to my jaded old hearing organs. The lyrics are on the ball and even that last line in the chorus which jarred a little first time,became acceptable and maybe even added a little quirkiness to the song.
I hope Mrs Yodasdad is recovering well.
Ta for posting. :)
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Hey,
Really nice song, the melody fits the song perfectly and is really easy on my ears. I like the chords you use and the build-up is exactly how it should be. I love the acoustic guitar that comes in at the second verse!
The way you sing ''jeans'' on a minor chord and then ''mean'' on a major chord also adds to the progression of the song into something bigger, I'm a big fan of that choice.
I also agree on both of Vicki's points: Bridge would be better off without the last line, it's just a bit too much and not adding anything. And in the chorus, the last lines are hurried too much. ''Would you still have walked away'' can easily be sung earlier, like almost at the end of the previous line. This will give your chorus a more powerful ending too.
And the harmonies should be louder, I can't really hear them and I would love to hear them more especially in the chorus they can be a reall asset!
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Really good song, great performance too. Kind of Oasis style but on Piano and a bit less attitude.
I like it all. For me the only thing to edit might be to make the mix a bit less hot... it's a bit full on. If you're running it through a limiter or something I think just dial it back a bit...
Nice one!
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Hi, liked this song.i get the oasis reference mentioned above, that can't be a bad thing! Well played and sung too.
Nice one!
Cheers
Jamie
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Hi Yodasdad - loved this song - piano ballads are right up my street and this one is special. Great hook - nice vocals and I like the piano sound - is that a VST? Not so keen on the organ sound early on - think it would sound better an octave lower with a warmer sound? Personal preference I know so ignore at will.
Anyway great song!
Paul
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Thank you to all of you who have commented. Just to prove I've read them, I've done a new version, links in the original post.
I think I may have actually responded to all the suggestions:
Last line of chorus revised
End of mid 8 changed (but not omitted completely)
Backing vocals up a little
Drums up a little in last 2 chorus's
A bit of ad lib for melody in last chorus
Backed of the limiter slightly
Thanks for the Oasis comparison, I was quite a fan of theirs back in the day. I can't hear it myself but this did remind me of another Brit pop song as soon as it started to take shape, not a million miles apart. I'll leave you to work out which one.
Thanks again everyone.
Yodasdad
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Thanks Paulski,
Yes it's a stock piano sample in logic with a fair bit of tweeking.
The organ is actually an Oboe, I clearly didn't spend as long working on this as I did the piano but to be fair the sample really isn't that great to begin with. I need to invest I think.
Thanks for listening, glad you enjoyed it.
Yodasdad
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I listened to the revised version.
The result reminds me of a video of a master class by Pat Pattison I watched once. The songwriter played her song. Pat suggested some seemingly minor changes. She incorporated them. There was not a big difference in what she did, but it resulted in an amazing improvement to the song.
The same things applies here. No super big changes, but a definite transformation to the song. Now it just needs to be picked up by a big label and spread around the world. :D
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WOW< Yoda! :o I just listened to the new version, and I think it sounds amazing :o I haven't had a chance to listen to the first one, so can't compare, but man I love this track :) it sounds very professional and radio friendly to me :) Really good vocals and the perfect backing track to support them :) get this out there :)
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The tweaks work great. Maybe some harmonies now? :D
Man I could listen to your voice all day. A beautiful song well sung.
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excellent, the force is most definitely with you !
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Beautiful heart-felt lyrics. I relate to the lyric of this song song so much. The reference to the new car in the yard and well wishes that a new man treats your old partner well. A song that carries a message this strong breaks my heart all over again. A magnificent song to pull at the heart stings. Kudos to you my friend!
Paul
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Hi,
I really like the tune, its got that classic bittersweet piano ballad, i could hear Dame Gary Barlow doing it on Saturday night TV!
Whilst it doesn't cover new ground, I love some of the lines - 'there's a new car in the yard, I guess we both know what it means'
Middle section provides a neat contrast too.
Catchy
:)
Neil
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I really liked this - great job
I was a little worried at the start as with the "piano & vocal" as it was feeling a little similar in performance and sentiment to Bruno Mars' "When I Was Your Man"
However, when the "band" came in it got a whole lot better IMHO - I wonder whether bringing this in sooner would be a good plan?
I liked the "oboe organ"
The lead vocal sounds a little "over processed" for the song - a little less reverb and "presence" on the vocal would give a much more natural sound and sit it in the track
As the reverb is vastly different from everything else it "detaches" the vocal from the rest of the song
The backing vocals are perfect though
The flow of the melody & lyric was excellent and this is a great song
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A lot of good things. I listened to the new version first, then a few bits of the old one so I could see the changes you'd made. Definite improvements. I like the echoed vocal and tinkly bits at the end of the bridge especially.
I was less fond of the wah-ish guitar on the outro, and I can't say the lyrics did a lot for me - they reminded me too much of too many other pop songs I'd heard. Although you might view that as a positive if you're hoping to reach a broad audience!
Your vocal is very good, and you've balanced your instrumentation very well throughout (particularly like the oboe-thing). Would sound not at all out of place on a pop radio station.
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I really enjoyed the music. Good melodic hook in the title ;)
Good writing Yodasdad........Good stuff!
-Tom
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Thanks very much for all your comments and advice people.
Skub, no ones said they like my voice before and that is a lesson on why you should continue with your daw learning. Without mine I would sound like a cat with a firework up its backside.
Boydie thanks, interestingly, the first line was originally 'I should have bought you flowers'. I'm not particularly familiar with the Bruno Mars song but I had obviously subconsciously absorbed it at some point. I was very annoyed with myself when I realised.
Caliamoko, glad you approve, thanks for the advice.
Crystalsuzy, thanks a lot glad you enjoyed it.
Wish I had time to respond to the rest of you but I appreciate all your comments.
Thanks
Yodasdad
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Hi,
I love melody and this is just superb...it's just a great song as simple as that!!
There's been a few comparisons to well known artists so, if we're on the subject, Daniel Powter springs to my mind but why compare
This is just fab on its own
Great work
Phil