[FlatRabbit]

Hi All, like many folks posting, this is my first ever post, so would really love your honest feedback... I write lyrics only, for the band in my head. This is given my cack handedness with any musical instrument (v. annoying!!). Re the below, I know there are a couple of super cheesy lines, but hey ho... I gloss over that in my head - any options would be welcomed! Generally the song is lullabyesque, with things building to a big release with the chorus... I don't ever show these to anyone so have probably lost a bit of context..


Verse1
When you found me I was incomplete,
A mess of masks and camouflage,
So keen to find a fall,
Unmeasured miles below.

I hid deep down in lost and found,
And made sure I would dislocate,
Abandon, separate,
True home from what I'd make.

[There's a musical bridge here that, as you will see, kind of builds up with words]

Verse2
You caught me deep within a fall.
Held my hand and simply said,
The time to stop has come,
Your rules can be unwrung.

Our journey will never be straight or dull,
You said to me with half a smile,
Your painted lips resolved,
And solar smile absolved.

[still a couple of bars of musical bridge]
Without you there's no reason at all.
Without you there's no reason at all.

Chorus
Our love was new my darling,
Our love was pure, we could never be old,
I take our time as written,
In ageless stars, it was never unknown.


Let me die,
Let me die,
Without you there's no reason at all
Without you there's no reason at all


Verse3
The sun set heavy in my mind,
It caught me out of time and place,
And failing to recall,
The promises I made.

And our journey was never straight or dull.
I think of you, your half-a-smile,
And painted lips recalled,
Your words of love console.

Chorus
Our love was new, my darling
Our love was pure, we could never be old
I take our time as written
In ageless stars, it was never unknown

[diademgrove]

Welcome to the forum FlatRabbit, hope you enjoy your time here.

I think your words flow well and get your message across. I have two comments, the first concerns the let me die section. It seems to me to be out of place. There is nothing else in the lyrics that suggests you want to die, either before or after. Personally I feel the song would be stronger without them.

The second concerns the events in the song and the number of words used. The story is you were lost and miserable before you fell in love and now you're not. For that you have 3 8 line verses, a 2 line pre-chorus and a 4 line chorus plus the 4 line let me die break. For me that's too many and detracts from what is a strong chorus.

I would suggest that you have 2 verses, the first explaining what you were like before you met her/him, the second how you felt when you did meet and maybe a bridge explaining how you see your futures.

Feel free to take what you want from my comments and leave what you don't.

Keith

[FlatRabbit]

Thanks very much Keith, your comments are very useful... in my heart of hearts I kind of knew that it cumulated too abruptly... I guess the story is meant to progress like so... miserable=>meet someone who accepts you warts and all =>have a long and loving life together => partner dies => reflect on the love...

Hmm... writing it out like that, perhaps I've bitten off more than I can chew! So, cut down and focus story...

Thanks again,

John

[JonDavies]

I agree with diademgrove about the structural issues

I don't really see any super cheesy lines - it's a good write, flows nicely with eloquent language

I would recommend changing "we could never be old" to "we could never grow old"

Other than that, good write - welcome to the forum

[diademgrove]

Thanks very much Keith, your comments are very useful... in my heart of hearts I kind of knew that it cumulated too abruptly... I guess the story is meant to progress like so... miserable=>meet someone who accepts you warts and all =>have a long and loving life together => partner dies => reflect on the love...

Hmm... writing it out like that, perhaps I've bitten off more than I can chew! So, cut down and focus story...

Thanks again,

John

Hi John,

I don't think you've bitten off more than you can chew. You need to decide which part of the story is the most important and concentrate on that unless you want to write a traditional ballad that covers everything.

For me the chorus is strong so I'd concentrate on verses that support it. The second part of the chorus about the stars and it being written is looking forward to a life of bliss and not backwards to the end of a life of bliss, at least that's how I read it. So naturally you have life before, the meeting and the anticipation of what is to come.

If you want to concentrate on the tragic end of the relationship you should make that explicit in the initial verses and change the chorus to reflect that.

Lyrics are difficult to write because of the lack of space. 2 verses, a chorus and a bridge is usually the space you have unlike poets and novelists. I nicked this from Jimmy Webb's book on songwriting but it's a good description of what a songwriter does.

Good luck,

Keith

[Darren1664]

Hi FlatRabbit

My first post here too!

I think that's a very good start at lyric writing and I like the theme and your use of language.

The comments and suggestions from diademgrove are excellent so I won't try to add to them.

I will say though to keep this up as it shows great promise. I am curious whether you have a melody set out in mind for these words and how that might go

Anyway, well done

Darren

[FlatRabbit]

Thanks again Keith, I love your Jimmy Webb quote, need to look up that book!

Hi Darren, yes, I do have a melody for this one, if you're interested I will jot down how it goes...

[Paulski]

Hi Flatrabbit - is that like a road-frog which are pretty flat here in Canada anyway?

Welcome to the forum.
I think this is a great start to a story and like others have said very clever word choices and avoidance of cliché IMHO.
I have a big preference to hook-based lyrics so, for me you've kind of abandoned your hook (title) in this. It appears only once at the end of a verse. If "absolved" is truly your hook, it should be "set up" in the verses and delivered in a power position (start or end of the chorus). And repeated so the listener will remember it as the highlight/message of the song. But I'm old-school so feel free to ignore me.

Enjoyed the read!
Paul

[FlatRabbit]

Thanks Paulski. I was trying to come up with a company name many years ago, and was driving around the Highlands (Scotland)... there was a lot of road kill... some very flat rabbits... it kind of stuck with me... irrespective of subject, the a's and t's had a nice alliterative ring to it (I'm sure there'll be some technical term for it!)

I think I should read more on songwriting, I get what you are saying re the hook - definitely something I need to work on... I kind of blurt it all out and need to be better at shaping with a bit more structure.

@JonDavies, (apols for my tardiness) thanks for your suggestion, that definitely works!