the build up is cool and the most interesting part of the song. (don't hate me but) coldplay are the masters of the build up, an sparked a real trend for that kind of thing a few years back. I know you are not trying to be like anyone else but a cool, simple guitar melody here with the build up would maybe lift it to another level ? also you maybe want to get to it a little earlier at least the mid way point of the song and the vocals should really build in intensity with the music? Just my opinion, i liked it though, pretty cool and it was different which is what it's all about